Reasons Why I'm a Mess

Thinking about a vampire dude bro who won't drink girl blood- because he's afraid it will estroginise him soy products style- getting trapped in a mental cage when he learns vampire dude who only bites other dudes reads as gay

people without any whimsy scare me. why are you like that. where are your trinkets.

must feel good as fuck to curse a prince for being rude to you while you were larping as an old woman for no reason

the strongest bond is probably pad wings to themselves. the weakest is probably pad wings to your underwear

there should be an emoji of every berry

it really is insane how little you hear about "america has the world's highest prison population by such a significant margin that it would be seen as excessively over-the-top if it was used in fiction"

I sometimes feel that I'm not doing enough with my life, but at least I grew my first two arms significantly before a cactus would have been expected to.

Reblog if you grew your first two arms significantly before a cactus would be expected to

Be sure to give adolescent saguaros a thumbs up to let them know they’re doing a good job.

I know it's been like 15 years but "hey where's your bus pass, boy? When you're waiting for the bus in the rain have your bus pass ready or the people on the bus get annoyed" is a) still one of the funniest song lyrics out there and b) a really important PSA

It's spring now which means the kids in my city have started drawing hopscotches on the sidewalk and as a rule I do every hopscotch I see because 1. Use it or lose it (ability to scotch) and 2. If a child got down on the hardscrabble streets of Boston Massachusetts to draw a scotch the least I can do is use it, but in doing the hopscotches, I've learned that about 50% of them are the typical 8-10 step scotch and the other 50% are. Somewhat avant-garde. And of course I'm not vetting the entire scotch before I start it so sometimes it's like haha 8 steps woo! Childlike whimsy! And sometimes they're 20 steps or 30 or they've got a section with three squares instead of two where you have to do a little Charleston to step on all three, or, memorably, FORTY one foot squares. A full BLOCK of jumping on one foot but I'm no quitter so once I've started Jigsaw Junior's fuckin hopscotch gauntlet I'm there til the end just a daily pot smoker in her thirties jumping kasa-obake style through an affluent suburb while some little proto-kennedy watches from his bedroom window rubbing his sadistic little third grade hands together and cackling. It's amazing. I love spring.

That was the correct thing to say.

nothing will save you like a moment of shared amusement with strangers on public transport