I meet a girl on Tinder. I think I won her over with my jokes about loving dirty socks and Ol’ Gregg.
We talk for a while and finally decide to go to a lake. We both love nature.
We go, meet, hug, and sit down on a blanket by the lake.
We talk for a bit. After about 10 minutes, I hear a “SPLAT”. She looks down and laughs. I look down at her leg.
There, sitting there on her right leg, is a big, white, pebbly, bird shit.
I ask, “Did a bird just shit on your leg?”
She says, “Yes,” and laughs again.
Before the date we promised no bullshit. We must be ourselves. I don’t think before I catch myself wiping the bird shit off her leg with my hand. I go to the lake, wash my hand off, and go sit back down.
We have a little laugh, talk for another couple hours, and decide to call it a night.
We go back to our cars and I go to give her the “goodbye.” I wasn’t sure if I should give her a hug or kiss at this point. I didn’t want to be invasive.
As I’m hugging her and thinking about the kiss, I start to get a boner. I start to regret the decision to wear athletic shorts.
I think. I have 2 options.
1) Turn around after the hug and walk back to my car.
2) Try to conspicuously tuck the boner into my waistline of my athletic shorts and go for the kiss.
“I’m getting a boner, I can’t keep hugging you.” We laugh. I hug her again and say, “I’ll talk to you soon.”
We promised we’d be honest. But on my way back to my car I just keep thinking, “Shit, too honest, too honest.”
I turn on my car and wait to see if she’s going to leave first. Then she gets out of her car and walks towards me with something in her hands.
“You forgot the banana bread I made you.”
I couldn’t believe I made her come back to the awkwardness to make her give me the banana bread she made for me. I take it from her, we both still laugh a bit about the boner thing, and I put the banana bread on my passenger seat.
Then, and this is the part I still can’t believe, she leans in. We kiss. A gentle, small, but amazing kiss.
She walks back to her car and drives away. I do a couple fist pumps and then drive home.
On my way home, I start to question what the fuck just happened. So much about myself to doubt, but so much greatness to it.
I’m driving home and Bohemian Rhapsody comes on. I have a Wayne’s World moment. “I WILL NOT LET YOU GOOOOOO!!!!!”
Fast forward three months. We’re still talking. I saw her tonight. We went to a creek again. We have gotten poison ivy from each other, been camping, shared great music. It has all been so great. I don’t ever want to leave her.
When we look back, she says I won her over when I wiped the bird shit off her leg.
Needless to say, that bird was my wingman.
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