I've always been vocal about how exhausted I am from work. In fact, there have been countless of times when I was on the verge of quitting and have stopped myself from making such rash decision because I know that I am "just" tired. No one should make such big decisions when they're stressed. For the first time in four years, I almost hit the bingo with my 12 hour duties. To make it more specific, 10 out of my 10 duties were all night shift or 6P (6PM-6AM). It was not cool. I was bracing myself to saying goodbye to total darkness during my slumber when something happened. My grandfather died. I know it was inevitable because he has been in and out of the hospital for months due to his recurring pneumonia what with his old age and all. I also know that his death is better then seeing him frail and debilitated. It also just worries me that my Dad is now not only widowed by my mom but is now also completely orphaned. Staying at the mortuary for days gave me a bad case of cough and colds, the kind that gives you a headache when you cough or sneeze, and has proven that I am a true blue probinsyana. Also, try to imagine acquiring such virus during the summer. I was barely recovering from the loss of Papa when I found out that Tatay (my maternal grandfather) also died. We didn't even get the chance to visit him in the hospital. It's true when I say that I have not experienced a worse heartache than when my mother passed away. But experiencing two deaths almost at the same time really took a toll on me. I felt numb. I was glad that I was given a chance to take a leave from work and would joke how it was the last gift of my late grandfathers before they perished. The 18 day leave allowed me to reflect on life and what matters. One thing that I concluded was that I am tired. When friends tell me that they are burnout, I would tell them to go on what I call the "Holiday Experiment" wherein they must take a couple of days off from work to go on a vacation or to simply rest at home. As they near the end of the said break, they must take time to assess whether they feel refreshed and excited or if they feel stuck and unmotivated to go back to work. I, obviously, got the latter result. It also did not help that it was Sarah's last day of duty when I return from my bereavement leave. This means that after four years, every single one from my group of friends has left me to pursue their careers elsewhere. This led to an incident where I ate alone at Tokyo Tokyo after a long 6A duty with no one to recount the crappy day that was because none of my friends were around. I have always been cool about doing things alone, it was just the company that I was missing. It would've been fun to recount every detail of the duty with a good friend, it would be borderline crazy to laugh alone at the restaurant. So I ate my Sriracha Donburi in silence as I stare off the window wondering how my friends are. Some time last week, I felt nauseous after waking up from a night shift. During duty, I was cold was feeling flu-like body pains sans the fever by midnight. When I got home, I slept with the fan turned off thinking I just need to sweat it away. It worked. But it also gave me another conclusion, my body is giving up on me. I don't get sick. I may be late, but I don't get sick. I can even prove it to you by the 15th of June when I am paid all eight of my sick leaves and when my vacation leaves are replenished to twenty. A feat that can only happen when (and I repeat) you don't get sick. I was also PMS-ing hard. My skin is having the breakout of its life and my Korean skincare routine was not working. I was exfoliating my face almost everyday but I still have bumps on my cheeks and all of my supposed pimples became grown up zits. Too much information, I know, but (pun intended) all of my efforts was in vain! As the month comes to an end, I'm just glad that I can summarize everything and close this chapter of my life in this one post. When May ends, June comes next and I can't wait for the rain and the cooler weather (Hooray for us Pluviophiles!). I know that this post may be sad and depressing for some, but life will not always be like seeing butterflies while walking in the park. Life will be hard and it will sometimes hit you all in one blow. But remember that God will never let you experience something you cannot handle. So stay strong, Darling. Stick to fight and brace yourself for better days ahead. -H.
dededos
annaxmalina
titsay
yousharknotpass
germansingergirl
theartofmadeline
