lost in reverie

Normal People (2020)

ugh, I love that, I said.

no you don’t, he said. you’re happy right now, so you feel up for it. growth usually happens when you’re not up for it. you love the idea of it, but you’re not going to like it. that’s okay, but it’s important to expect it.

he was right. it’s not romantic, it’s hard. it’s not that warm feeling i like. sometimes it feels a lot more like a limb is about to be pulled out of its socket. you reach a fork in the road, and it’s time to grow again, but God I just rather not today. you made me grow last week. resisting the growth is more painful than the growth.

he was right. it’s not romantic. it’s actually annoying how much growing is going on right now. I am tired of growing.

you know that scene in miss congeniality where she is forced to eat healthy food, so she has hidden junk food under her pageant gown? and her coach makes her give them all up? but there’s more. so he takes those too. no choice. no exceptions. that is how I feel. give me your pride, and now your greed–no, all of it. and jealousy–i’ll be taking that. ok, fine, here. is that enough? no, hand me your resentment. oh! and the comparison. i almost forgot that one–hand it over.

that fork in the road I mentioned with one way being growth–don’t mistake the other road as happiness. like I said, to not walk into the growth is more painful. that’s because resisting it means walking into avoidance, into denial, into defensiveness, into stagnancy, it is anything but happiness.

marriage is a mirror. by design, God created us to reflect back to each other what isn’t resembling him. you can get angry, and defensive, refusing to look in the mirror. you can punish your spouse for functioning as they’re intended to. or you can acknowledge what’s coming up, thank them for showing you, ask them to love you, and choose to grow.