•a fist full of daisies•

Alright so I slept on it..and I have a few thoughts about last night’s episode, and then I’ll be done talking about it forever. This is probably going to be long, sorry.

Spoilers for episode 16x16 of Grey’s Anatomy

(although I’m pretty sure everyone knows what happened by now).

First, some disclaimers. I understand this is a fictional show. I understand that the characters are not real people and these story lines don’t actually exist. I also understand that actors ARE real people with real lives and real families and real issues who deserve and earn breaks. They have the right to change their mind about the direction of their careers. I don’t know what goes on behind the scenes of Grey’s Anatomy, but if an actor says that he needs to leave in the middle of the season for personal reasons, then that’s something that I’m going to respect...even if he plays my favorite character. I’m not in the entertainment industry, but I am a teacher, so I understand having a demanding job that can be soul crushing and absolutely draining.

But I’m also an English teacher, which means getting attached to fictional worlds, and characters, and storylines, and over analyzing them is literally how I make my living. The books I read, the music I listen to, and the television shows and movies I watch are more than just entertainment for me. They help shape me into the person that I am.

When Grey’s Anatomy started, I was 15 years old. It was this new exciting medical drama with great writing, incredible story lines, and the best music. I’m turning 30 in a couple of months, which means I have dedicated and invested roughly an hour a week to watching this show for literally half of my life. If you count how many times I have re-watched the series, it’s much more than that. For me, and for a lot of us, this isn’t a show we just randomly found on Netflix and decided to casually watch. It’s been part of our lives for a long time—for some of us, half of a lifetime. That’s a huge commitment to give to a television show. It’s asking a lot from an audience. It’s asking even more from the cast and crew.

I’m seeing a lot of people say they are never going to watch Grey’s Anatomy again. I was one of them. I stopped watching after the midseason finale with the car crash and had no intention of catching up. But I did because I wanted to watch Alex‘s last episode. I’m interested to see what the fallout will be next week, but after that, I don’t know. I can’t see continuing this weekly commitment when I feel like the integrity of the show is gone.

I’m also seeing a lot of people say that they would rather Alex have died than this. I don’t think I feel that way. I’m glad he’s alive. I’m glad that he’s happy. But I’m so mad. I’m so mad that this is his ending.

I don’t know what the right answers are. When they killed off Derek, part of their defense for that decision was realism. People’s spouses die in accidents all the time. Kids lose their parents to tragic situations, but I can’t see realism holding up as an excuse this time. It doesn’t seem realistic to me that a man who has gone through as much as Alex Karev has gone through would make this decision. He wants to be with his kids. I get that. He should be. He was right that they deserve two parents who love them enough to stay. But he also made vows. He made vows to Izzie, and she left him. And then he made vows to Jo, who loved him through everything, and tried to protect him from her past. Their relationship was refreshing. To see two characters rise from the ashes of their pasts and make each other better people was my favorite part of the last eight seasons. I was looking forward to seeing their future.

I’m not going to go through this episode point by point because I think the fandom has that covered. But I will say, that I viscerally felt every character’s reaction listening to those letters. I was Bailey, watching one of my toughest students blossom into his full potential, and step up to raise the family he never had. I was Richard, angry that someone I invested so much time in teaching and working with could just leave everything he built and everyone he loved, like it was the easiest decision in the world. I was Jo, abandoned and betrayed by yet another person I loved. A person I spent nearly a decade building a life and planning a future with. A person who knew everything about me—everything I had gone through. A person who chose me time and time again when I gave him every reason not to. A person who patiently dismantled the fortress around my soul and surrounded me with unconditional love...then chose someone else, leaving me with nothing but a letter and his shares in the hospital. And then...I was Meredith, happy for my friend. Glad that he found something good. Sad to see him go. Sad that my kids lost another father figure.

So what now? How far can you push a fan base before they call it quits? Reading through comments and reactions, it doesn’t feel like a group of petulant children crying because they didn’t get what they wanted. We got what we wanted. Alex had a complicated but healthy marriage. He had a best friend and a family. He had a successful career that he worked so hard for, and a new hospital he was turning around. Alex Karev got his happy ending, and then he walked away.

If anything, I hope this makes Meredith and Jo become even closer. I hope Jo becomes a bigger part of Meredith’s family, and for both of them to kick ass and revolutionize the future of general surgery. I hope Jo forgives Alex. She has every right to hold onto this forever, but I don’t want her to. Other than Alex, she has become my favorite character. I would hate for this unravel her when she’s been through worse. I hope she moves on and finds someone who will stay. Maybe that will be Link, maybe someone new, maybe no one, but she deserves to be happy both professionally and personally.

‘cause all of my enemies started out friends