Not for the Faint of Heart

Everything seems to be falling onto place

Even if it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

I couldn't ask for a better partner in life.

I'm not married to him yet.

But it feels like it sometimes.

We fight. We love.

He has a child and now I do too.

I never thought this is what my life would turn out to be.

But there's definitely not any other way I could hope to go.

I make my own life harder by the mistakes that I make. I don't need you to make me feel worse. I need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. I'm lost and I don't know how to get out of this slump. I can feel myself bottling things up again. I can feel me isolating myself because I don't know who to talk to. I'm more quiet than ever because I'm so scared people will take me the wrong way. Even my roommate/best friend isn't someone I can talk to right now because all she does is say 'I told you so". Not to mention the fact that I never see her anymore. I know I'm fucking up. I recognized it less than 24 hours ago. I'm trying. I'm TRYING. I'm trying to be me, but my soul is exhausted and frankly it's hurt. All I can think about is the next escape. The next time I can drown out my thoughts and the depression I feel every morning when I wake up. I'm tired of feeling like I'm alone. She was right though. I am lonely, but not for a man. I'm lonely because my best friend doesn't feel like my best friend anymore. I'm lonely because I feel like I have no one who understands how hard I'm trying. And how hard I've been working to make a living.