I could never have sex, I don’t want someone to see me naked in the way I hate seeing myself naked. I hate seeing my face and acknowledging how I look. I’ll never be content with how I’m perceived unless I’m playing a role. I don’t think I have the ability to kiss people either, I hate when people touch me because I know I feel so distinctly feminine it’s embarrassing. I want to be rough and sharp in places I can’t be rough and sharp. But I also crave the attention and softness that comes with being a girl.

I tried being a trans boy, I thought I was one for years- since I was 11 but it never fit. None of the names, none of the attention or pictures. I looked at myself and I couldn’t recognize myself. But I can’t even recognize myself nowadays either. I feel ashamed that no matter what I choose to present myself it doesn’t feel right. People tell me that genderfluid or gender neutral are the right terms but it’s not like that. They’re the closest to what I can align myself with yes but. I want to feel cis, I don’t want to struggle understanding myself.