This looks like Moraine — where we laid together. It looks like a dream, where we would smile forever. I can see you here, waiting for me, looking back at me. I can smell you near, loving me, loving me. We are wrapped around one another, in the lake, in euphoric state. Time would freeze, and the sun shines warmly. You go underwater and swim towards me. I laugh like a child. We embrace and I feel so seen, loved, comfortable, at peace. I could be myself, in a way I have not been myself. We would talk in the water, facing each other, observing surroundings, basking in the hot summer sun. I trust you, in a way I don’t trust others. I surrender myself to you. With you, I feel whole, complete, and that I understand what people mean when they say you find your person. Yes, oh yes, I understand. He carried himself in a certain way. Some days he was enthusiastic, sarcastic, exciting. Other days he walked like there was an anchor dragging behind him, tied to each ankle. He walked with trudge, like the mental exhaustion was physical. When you spoke to him, you could see he was never really there. Not in a way where someone is simply not engaged, it was very different. His energy was unbalanced, he could not see himself the way I did, he could not see, well, the way through. Lately, I look back and can piece together many things that appear like a very long, thought out plan. It is not surprising he ended his life. I just wish he hadn’t.
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