ask us things!

if you can, I would really, really recommend speaking to a therapist or other professional because anxiety is a bitch and it is really hard to be alone with those thoughts all the time. if you are attracted to your bf, enjoy being with him, and can see a future with him, then I think that’s enough. obviously you deserve to figure things out with yourself and your anxiety, but it does sound like it is interfering with your perspective on this. I would just try to not fixate on it too much (easier said than done, I know) and seek some professional help to work on things if you can <3 

I don’t know you or your experiences beyond what little you’ve told me and can’t say how you should identify (& I know you weren’t asking that either!) but as a lesbian, much of what you’ve said sounds very relatable to me earlier on in my coming out/coming to terms journey. I think continuing to reflect and figure your shit out is good (but also balancing without overthinking it). I’m not saying having relationships/sexual experiences with women might help clarify things for you, but I know it did for me (lol). things will start to click into place and it’s ok to not fully know where you stand! there is no timeline for figuring yourself out - it’s a long process and unlearning all the internalized stuff just takes time and reflection

it is SO hard to unlearn the societal conditioning that goes into sexuality and the assumption that all women have to like men and men only. I wish I had more specific advice for you but I think it’s really great that you are in tune with these dynamics and recognizing them within yourself. I think it just gets easier with time, and when you feel yourself thinking these things, disrupting those thoughts and trying to push back and remind yourself where they might be coming from might be helpful. 

hey anon, I think your attraction to real life people is much more reliable metric than looking at random celebs! i personally don’t find that many famous women/models that attractive (like, I could look and be like yes objectively this person is hot but it’s very different than when you have a crush on someone irl or meet someone attractive at least for me). I think this probably means that you are attracted to women! it’s totally normal to feel more attraction/investment in irl crushes and all people experience things a bit differently, but it sounds like you find it easier to feel attraction when you already know people which is great and normal too! 

I understand feeling bad about this but you should never feel pressured to reciprocate with anyone just because they like you - same applies when you are dating women too! you don’t owe anyone anything

again, I of course can’t know how you feel about your partner. I think it’s kind of normal to not be sexually attracted to your partner 24/7? like, I think of my girlfriend as hot and attractive but I personally don’t experience attraction like...constantly or anything, it’s definitely most apparent when we are being intimate so that sounds fairly normal to me (but again, I think everyone experiences attraction a little bit differently). it’s entirely possible to be bi with a preference for women, but still love and be attracted to your partner. this is really hard to sort out and I wish I had more concrete advice for you but I don’t have any personal experience w this type of scenario! if any followers who are bi women or lesbians who used to date men want to chime in, feel free!!

i would reflect more on what you want in real life - if you were presented with a situation where you could have sex with a man, would you actually want to? when you fantasize about having sex is it with men or women? imo, that information is way more telling than your porn preferences. 

good luck anon, sorry your friend is behaving like that! 

yes, absolutely! many lesbians are non binary themselves. non-binary itself isn’t a coherent identity category & can mean a lot of things to different people, so you can’t really make generalizations but lesbians can and do date some nonp-binary people. not all non-binary people necessarily want to date lesbians (for example, i know some non-binary people who would consider themselves mlm and others wlw so it just depends). but short answer - yes! 

trust yourself - you are the only person who knows your experience and the only one who can define your identity. of course I don’t know you but I will say it sounds like you are a lesbian from this ask! if you are only attracted to and want to pursue relationships with women, then you’re a lesbian - even if in the past you've been with men. you are certainly not a fraud and I think you might be surprised how many lesbians relate to your experience! good luck anon! 

again, I think the most important part is what you actually want in real life - if you can picture yourself with women and actively want that, then I would try not to overthink the rest of it (easier said than done, I know!). it is hard to untangle comphet from all of this too since there is so much societal pressure/conditioning toward heterosexuality. I am sorry you’re feeling anxious about this but I promise you are not disgusting and that you have nothing to be ashamed of. if you want to only pursue relationships with women and aren’t interested in relationships/sex with men, you are a lesbian! 

I think that porn is porn and it’s normal to be aroused by sex in general. I would ask if you are turned on by it simply because it’s sex and sex of any type can be sexy or if you actively wish you were having sex with a man (which is different and might complicate things for someone identifying as a lesbian). I don’t watch porn but I have heard plenty of gay women who watch gay male porn which is obviously not the same as het but I think a similar principle applies - sex is sex and you can watch porn that doesn’t necessarily align 100% with your desires. 

i really think that you are far from alone here & there is not a cutoff for a reasonable age to come out by or anything. don’t let any of that make you feel bad about your own journey getting here. you are not any less of a lesbian if you come out a little bit later in life (& honestly, you’re still quite young!). best of luck & congrats on figuring this out about yourself <3 

hey anon! I think it is really just up to you and your partner to see if it’s something you’re interested in trying together. i think many women do use straps, but many also do not and it really comes down to personal preference. it doesn’t hurt to ask & its healthy to communicate about your sexual desires with your partner, even if you don’t end up trying it. you can ask in a low pressure way and open up the conversation - you’ll never know unless you talk to them about it! 

(2/2)  to add to my last question i have sometimes had sexual attraction towards women i DON'T know and whom i don't know their sexuality either. it's moreso straight women i know that i don't ever feel any romantic/sexual attraction to. this is all so new to me still and i feel like a mess. i just know that the feelings i have already had, have been towards wlw. but i feel invalid bc i have heard of times of wlw having serious crushes on straight women but i can’t relate to that. YES! that is 100% valid and honestly normal? i wouldn’t say it’s abnormal to have crushes on straight women but i know lots of wlw who are not attracted to women once they know they are straight. i don’t relate to crushing on straight women myself - it’s just not a part of my experience personally and i am very very much a lesbian. imo, it makes sense that you would be developing feelings for women you know might reciprocate (vs. straight women). i wouldn’t read too much into it & for all the pining after straight women is a normal wlw experience talk, i know comparatively few wlw irl who have that experience. so tldr you are totally valid & i relate much more to your ask than to experiences of crushing on het women.

hey anon, it’s normal for crushes to come and go! i also think it’s normal to be insecure in your attraction to women or constantly feeling like you’re faking - i experience some of that and i’ve heard lots of my wlw friends express sentiments like “maybe i’m just having crushes on girls because i’m surrounded by attractive women all the time not because i’m actually gay” (which sounds a bit silly because that statement reads VERY gay to me but i’ve had multiple people tell me that exact statement before and it reminded me of what you said in your message). it’s so engrained in our society to be straight that it’s hard to come to terms with your attraction to women or feel confident in that, but i would try your best not to overthink it (easier said than done!). i don’t know if you deal with anxiety or anything related, but i personally have ocd and i’ve dealt with some related intrusive thoughts like “you’re faking being gay” etc and sometimes those still pop up for me even though i’ve only ever dated women & am happily in a long term relationship with another woman & am confident in my identity as a lesbian. again - this might not apply to you but just wanted to share my experiences with some of these thought patterns that might be relatable even if we don’t share any mental illness diagnoses!   and finally - you can still be attracted to women even if you don’t have an “active” crush. it’s stressful to confess to crushes also, but the outcome doesn’t change your attraction to women in general or have a bearing on your sexuality. good luck anon! <3