We bury the gays and say farewell to RiverLea and Iphengenia.
And we now welcome:
Kallisto (Lara): Iphengenia and Rhea's teenage sister (and Juniper's would-of-been Sister-In-Law), who is a barbarian full of rage and angst. Now traumatised.
Tweed (Georgie): a mysterious masked wood elf monk, who seemingly doesn't talk. (Despite Raven claiming otherwise).
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It has been decided that the title of this session is: Autism
We've leveled up to level 6!
Zain makes a powermove, giving Raven 1 level in Barbarian.
"Yep Alex keep slurping it up" - Zain (not a sex joke)
"There was so much cream in there." - Alex (definitely a sex joke)
"Twas not." - Alex. "That's what she said." - Zain
"Silence in the crunch" - Georgie
*points to Zain* "Autism." - Mick
Lara: *puts a rock on the table. Mick: "Sex"
Georgie wore their dice tray as a hat.
After the successful quest at Axholm, Raven and co. Go to Harbin Wester's house for the payment.
Tweed rips open Harbin's door. (Georgie rolls a slutty 20)
The party has earned 250 gold pieces. They go to the Blue Lions' weaponry to retrieve the silvered weapons.
There are still 2 side quests left: the dragon barrow sword and the brainwashed orcs quest. There is also the side quest to go back to the mountain and kill the wererats.
The party head to the stonehill inn to meet Don John.
Lara makes a suggestive hand gesture to Georgie (Georgie was shaking their dice tray full of dice.)
Her mouth was full of water. Zain tells them to swallow. Lara gets banished to the kitchen.
Don John is spotted at a table. Raven approaches him alone. He didn't need much persuasion as Don agrees to help Raven and the party with killing the wererats.
Raven remembers the Dwarves at the mine and suggests to head to the miners' exchange.
Don John meets the ghosts for the first time.
Zain remembers the group talking about the claylight (fleshlight made of clay).
Zain keeps playing meme soundboards.
Zain is probably gonna enjoy the sex jokes when he starts running his campaign.
more meme soundboard sounds.
There is a receptionist.
James Charles jumpscare.
Alex has a schizo moment (he has two NPCs interacting with one another.)
Turns out the Dwarves are out at Stormweadow hills which is past Neverwinter wood. Harmonoia suggests undertaking the quest with the woodland manse and Don John agrees with that decision.
Don John decides to go to Barthens to grab a bottle of wine. Harmonoia goes to get it as Don John is too drunk to get there.
Harmonoia grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and hands it to Tweed.
More sex jokes. Featuring Georgie getting their "dick" out of Alex's mouth.
"Well Kid, I hope you can see." - Raven
Dhampnir don't need to breathe.
"Long story short, Alex has no gag reflex." - Mick
"I never said that!" - Alex
Georgie was gonna put a pen...inis mouth.
When the party reaches the hunting lodge, there is a huge fortress nearby.
Harmonoia rings the bell. An old fella pops his head out. Turns out he is one of Falcon's staff.
The party is invited into the lodge.
When the party enters the sleeping barracks, Raven feels a sense of familiarity.
"I prefer my Orcs alive." - Dewdrop
Falcon appears and is quite attractive according to Harmonoia.
Falcon mentions that the Orcs have stick figure creatures travel with them. Harmonoia is able to remember hearing tales of blights and how they are created.
The spellcasters seem to take residence of the stone manse in the woods.
Raven hears the noise of a dragon's wings...
Raven leads the party outside and he spots Cryovain approaching them.
Cryovain vs the party 2...to be continued.
Other exciting news! Zain is planning on running a sequel campaign to this one.
We're going to start off with this incorrect quote because it was right before the notes:
Harmonoia: hmmm
Raven: what?
Harmonoia: I wonder what you taste like.
Raven and Harmonoia: *imagine Harmo biting Raven.*
Alistair and Dewdrop: *imagine Harmo and Raven making out.*
Onto the notes!
• "You smell like smut"
• Mick does a tarot reading about the upcoming American election (spoiler: alot of turbulence)
• The word 'excommunicate' gets thrown around alot.
• "Land of the free? More like land of the reee" - Zain and Mick
• Raven tries to slap Juniper awake.
• "Is Dewdrop still getting railed?"
• Iphigenia ghost.exe has entered the chat
• "Have you tried possesting?"
• "It's the only chance you'll have to be inside your girlfriend." - Dewdrop
• Mick really wants Juniper dead.
• "I hand the knife to the toddler." - Georgie
• Ghost rugby team name: the All Deads
• Does the Dagger want to kill? Or does it want to slice some cheese?
• Dewdrop falls into a dagger and then kills Juniper.
• Raven loots Juniper's body as her ghost appears.
• Ghost River-Lea appears.
• "Who are you? Whose Rhea?" (FUCKING BOMBSHELL)
• Ghost Juniper and Ghost Iphigenia leave for a Ghost honeymoon
• Kallisto is straight up not having a good time.
• "I can make fire I don't know how to fuck it though." - River-Lea.
• The party decide to follow where the Lyre sound is coming from.
• Perched atop a rock, there is a Dhampnir woman playing the Lyre...a familiar acquaintance of Raven's:Harmonoia
• Harmonoia joins the party and they all head back into the spider room.
• Tweed is so tall he pats Raven on the head.
• There is a Shild (Alex's wording) on top of the fireplace.
• Dewdrop and Alistair sing the secret tunnel song, then Dewdrop sing WAP.
• Harmonoia may fuck the dragon Cryovain???
• There are no feet in the foot locker. Raven makes a joke about foot fetishes.
• Tweed takes the shield off the top of the fireplace and gives it to Kallisto.
• "Tweed? Like the fabric?" - Harmonoia
• Tweed is officially Canon.
• "Oh no can she feel ghosts?" - Zain
• Harmonoia can feel the ectoplasm.
• Zain, Mick and Georgie misinterpret what Alex says about the next room the party reaches.
• Raven, Harmonoia and Tweed adopt Kallisto as their younger sister.
• Harmonoia just drops the info of the ghosts being around Axholm. Raven got called "Kennedy".
• There is a glint of silver. Tweed wanted Raven to shoot it. The glint of silver ends up being armor.
• Raven shoots at the armor and annoys Harmonoia. They exchange banter.
• More doors! All these doors.
• Raven opens the "soggy" door. More lore gets dropped about Raven and Harmonoia's past.
• "Two hearths make a right."
• The party hears a fluttering noise in the abandoned blacksmiths' forge. Harmonoia casts dancing lights to light up the room.
• The fluttering noise is coming from the chimney as more mosquitos pop into the room.
• Raven pops the mosquito with a crossbow bolt.
• "Fuck yeah concrete!" - Georgie
• Harmonoia has martial envy, jealous of Raven's proficiency.
• Raven finds a full tool rack of smithing tools.
• Mick opens up the index of the player's handbook and sees "sex."
• Mick scares everyone (Zain and Lara a little bit)
• The holy bibble.
• "Tool room? Yeah I sure hope it does." - Georgie
• We make a bunch of sex jokes which send Alex into Spain without the A.
• "Smithing without the ing." - Zain
• "Who the fuck is Smith?" - Alex
• "SMITH DEEZ NUTS" - Zain
• More sex jokes.
• "It's not that I can't breathe I just forgot to." - Alex.
• The party now goes to the eat room. We immediately leave as there are all those Ghouls we killed a few sessions ago.
• We go to the weetbix door. Raven recognizes the room.
• "Is this a sex dungeon?" - Harmonoia. Alex loses it. Raven spots a gloryhole before he leaves.
• "Oh dear lord you've been to the Daily." - Raven
• The party go through the never weet-bix door.
• The party sees rocks in the fireplaces.
• We have explored all but two of the rooms in the throne room. Raven leads the party into the western doors and into a dining room.
• Through a small door in the dining room and the party sees a kitchen. Raven finds a small bottle of beer.
• The party has explored all of Axholm. They decided to haul all the ghouls into one mass pit outside of Axholm. Raven makes a bonfire using a scimitar and his fire rune.
• We end the session by T-posing around Alex while reciting the "crazy" meme.
Ha! I actually know the date for this one. Only because it was yesterday's session. Might be long so again, under the cut
Alex finally notices the pentagram on his DM screen (it has been 3 months)
Georgie points out Alex's NZ shirt which has an arrow pointing down to his crotch. (It's a dick joke)
"Is your penis New Zealand? Is your penis state highway 1?" - Zain
Raven gives Kallisto the dread helm, but keeps the gauntlets of Ogre power. (Can you imagine a short, blue, teenage barbarian full of rage with glowing red eyes?)
Raven's last name is now Kennedy (he keeps shooting at locks) (There was some confusion about if it was a JFK reference. It is not)
"Roughly bum-sized hole." - Alex
"Torture dungeon?" - Mick
"No it's a BDSM cave." - Zain
Juniper founds some gnawed Dwarven bones and takes them. Then they find an amulet of the Dwarven god.
Raven finds a potion of superior healing in an unlocked coffer.
Coin clinking has made Alex's eye hurt.
"And you come to this-" Alex
"Hehe cum." - Mick
"He was crucified, not hung." - Alex
"WAS HE WELL HUNG FROM A ROPE?!" - Zain and Mick
Resurrectal disfunction
Zain makes the discovery that humans are just very sun resistant vampires.
"There'll be rocks in this room." - Alex
"We can't Last 2 minutes." - Georgie
"There's a rocky room." - Alex, moments before Zain starts singing the Rocky theme
Alex is WHEEZING
Zain threw Alex a SENZU BEAN!
"Flick the Senzu bean" - Zain
"He did better than Yajirobe." - Georgie
Raven found a very small cavern (2 foot wide). The party elects Kallisto to squeeze into the hole. (Sacrifice the child, we all say)
"It stinks." - Alex.
"Is it Rotorua?" - Georgie
Kallisto opened a door and may have triggered an encounter with some spiders.
Kallisto becomes blue(y) and avoids spiders. (She was always blue. Rhea was green, Iphigenia was gold, Kallisto)
The party splits into two groups: Juniper and Kallisto go through the hole again while Raven and Tweed go through a door further north. It's the room where they lasso'd the lever down to enter the abandoned keep.
The pair find themselves spiders in between a couple of pillars. These spiders are big.
Zain found a tik tok with the super 17 audio: "HA HAA NOBODY CAN BEAT ME WHEN I'M SUPER 17"
Tweed: Fuck.
Raven: Is there any other word you know?
Tweed: Fuck off.
Tweed and Juniper throw their daggers at the spiders.
"If Costco..." - Zain
KALLISTO CAN FAESTEP!
The spiders are kinky fucks.
A spider shoots white...web at Juniper.
Another spider suffers from projectile dysfunction.
Raven goes big. The spider is scared shirtless.
Another spider suffers from projectile dysfunction.
"The orgy that we never wanted." - Georgie
"You got them begging for state highway 1." - Zain
Juniper is JACKED and breaks out of the webbing.
Juniper wants to die really badly.
A-monk us
Zain throws Mick a SENZU BEAN
Tweed is being attacked from both sides.
Tweed is on that weave game. Tweave.
"I swear I'm trying not to get a toddler with a knife." - Alex
A spider tries to attack from Juniper. Mick just grins.
Tweed does an elbow drop on a spider.
Another spider is getting in on the spider gang attack on Juniper.
Juniper consents to the spider orgy.
"No fucking this time." - Alex
Raven tries to play hero and fight the spiders who are attacking Juniper.
Kallisto is raging thanks to puberty.
Live Tweed reaction: reflect attack
Tweed got critical twice.
Juniper is on death saves.
With a newfound determination to save Juniper, Raven killed 2 spiders brutally and bloody.
Georgie accidentally rolls a 10 on a d10. Georgie rerolls with a d8 and rolls an 8. (Context: attack with a dagger)
Mick is upset with a success on a death save.
Raven stabilizes Juniper, forcefully saving his comrade from death.
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We bury the gays and say farewell to RiverLea and Iphengenia.
And we now welcome:
Kallisto (Lara): Iphengenia and Rhea's teenage sister (and Juniper's would-of-been Sister-In-Law), who is a barbarian full of rage and angst. Now traumatised.
Tweed (Georgie): a mysterious masked wood elf monk, who seemingly doesn't talk. (Despite Raven claiming otherwise).
I'm blanking on dates right now so this is a combination of two previous sessions
Could I look it up? Probably. But not right now. I might add proper dates if I do. Anyway, time for Zain and Georgie's wonderful notes (under the read more because this will get long)
First Session:
WARRRRRRR IIIIIIS OOOOOOVERRRRRRRRR (we're back at it again)
"If you make a helmet in Stockholm does it become a Holmet?"
"How does River-Lea become more conservative than she already is?" - Georgie
"Super conservative." - Zain
Zain throws Georgie a senzu bean (SENZU BEAN!)
Iphigenia found a ring off a Ghoul. They use it to marry Juniper.
Alex: giggly shit
Zain: Giggleshitter?!
Lara had a crochet frog on their head. Alex cracks up laughing.
Alex screamed in lowercase as Mick throws the frog at him.
"It's missing some mechanics" (context: stinky throne)
The party goes up the stairs, which leads them to another hallway.
Juniper steal bones. That be it for room.
"you see a humanoid figure in the hallway"
"Jesus, is that you?"
old man DM. His knees be tinging.
Because Zain had to leave, it is now canon that our Ghostly friends knock out Raven and take him away to discuss how he can hook up with River-Lea.
The ring fits on Juniper's thumb.
A Ghost Elf girl appeared. She screamed at us to get off her supposed property like a Karen.
Death, Distruction, Chaos the new Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss.
Ow now my knee!!!
God it's spreading.
Changing the lyrics pumped out.
The elf ghost caught of fire from Juniper and is screaming like the gummy bear.
Ghost Elf makes a horrifying face that scared the shit out of the Sapphic couple, not so much River-Lea (he has seen some shit on tour)
Scary face looks like a ball sack.
Oh fuck, we're all unconscious!! Please don't have a bury your days moment.
The DM is stumped.
Second Session:
"Twink"
Georgie talks about monster fucking, Zain talks about murder.
Georgie tries really hard not to let the Fizzy drink explode while they open it.
Zain: "pop my corners if you know what I mean."
Alex breaks to this.
Raven was pulled aside by the ghosts to talk about River-Lea. He walks back to where he last saw them but they aren't there.
There are bodies everywhere...IT'S THE REST OF THE PARTY!!!
Raven seems convinced that the party is dead. The cause of these deaths is sheer fucking terror.
Juniper is still alive, but is not able to wake up from their slumber.
There is a head that pokes out, Raven points his crossbow at it. The elven woman is angry about the party invading her home and tells Raven to leave. Raven seemingly pisses her off and a 1v1 fight commences.
Raven was able to beat the creature in an awesome display of might. Afterwards he takes it all in: two of his party members have died. Raven spends the rest of the day making graves for his fallen comrades.
He makes one for River-Lea before resting for the next day where he prepares a grave for Iphigenia. Raven and Juniper decide to leave Axholm and take some time to mourn. The Couatl is now Juniper's pet.
When the pair head back to Phandalin, Raven tells River-Lea's father about the news. He hands him the Dagger and then leaves, his last words to Raven before he left were "thank you son."
Juniper tells Iphigenia's parents of the loss of their daughter. The father gives Juniper a seashell necklace which was meant to be a marriage gift for Juniper.
The next morning: Raven and Juniper have a modest breakfast and talk about who to recruit for their return trip when they hear someone playing the flute.
"He did make it harder for enemies to hit him because he was flat." - Juniper, talking about Scott.
The party head over to the blue lions weapon store to find out if Annette knows anyone who can help.
Kalisto has joined the party
We have no idea what the age of consent (of being an adventurer) is in Phandalin. (This is so they can figure out if they can legally take 15-year-old Kallisto with them)
"Dewdrop's probably getting railed by orcs at this point." - Alex
The new party make for Axholm again.
There's a giant mosquito in one of the bedrooms.
Zain and Georgie overhear talk about mad cow disease (and someone wanting to be eaten by it)
Alex punched his own knee.
Combat music for this battle: it's going down now from Persona 3 remake
Kalisto blew up one mosquito
Tweed one punches a mosquito while Juniper burns a couple of them to smithereens.
"Probiscus implies the existence of noobiscus." - Zain
Alex learns about proshipping and antishipping.
Raven sees some handprints in the side of the fireplace. He pushes onto the wall and it gives way to a secret room.
It's empty except for a chest. Raven shoots at the chest and pops the lid off clean.
There is a dread helm and a pair of gauntlets of Ogre power. Raven now has these.
The party travels to Axeholm to clear out the area and make it safe for inhabitation.
Uber kids: a child trafficking app.
"Why the fuck are you eating children for?"
Mick makes a lord of the rings reference.
Lara remembers that Iphigenia can fey step.
Iphigenia cannot find a way to open the portcullis.
"Ahhh yes the three sizes: small, medium and ghost."
Raven climbs the portcullis and onto an arrow slit. He sees the lever to pull the portcullis open.
The party makes a lasso and Raven is able to get it around the lever. Then the party tries to pull on the rope.
Raven goes big and makes the portculus open up to 10 feet.
Alistair is a godly fucker. Dewdrop is an Orc prostitute.
Raven and River-Lea go ham on the bolted door (it has to be this way.mp4)
Lara suggests using fire on the bolted door. Iphigenia uses fire bolt and sets the door on fire.
Raven destroys the door with a nat 20. The party can now venture into the abandoned settlement.
It is not abandoned. There are 15 undead creatures.
"They're a bit corpsy and smell kinda bad."
They are 15 undead ghouls HOLY SHIT.
Zain and Lara both get the same initiative. Zain won the roll off and got to go first.
"I've got good spells." - Mick
"And I'm pretty big." - Zain
Lara shows Zain and Georgie a game called 'we know the devil'. "We know the devil may cry." Zain and Georgie go AYYYYYYYYYYYY in unison.
"Hard? More like hard on!" - Mick
Cbat.mp4
Juniper is horny.
"Hah! Look at that it's the actions to your own consequences." - Georgie
Iphigenia and Juniper are now in a relationship (they're at A support)
Must be noted that this was suddenly decided because Alex told Mick whether or not ghouls were resistant to fire, and we decided that if Juniper was going to tell anyone, it would be Iphigenia. We couldn't remember if they were actually together or not. They spent the previous night together at the bakery, things happened.
One step closer to the polycule
"Yall need a new bar of soap." - Alex
"Beige" - Zain and Mick (slams hand(s) on table)
"What are we doing?" - Georgie
Ghoul jumpscare
Raven is OP and badass (and still pretty big)
Alex takes the time to monch on some chicken.
Juniper, a death domain Cleric, can use destroy undead THIS ENTIRE FUCKING TIME!!!
River-ree. Liver-lee.
BITCH LASAGNA.
Georgie's signature sound effect for tonight: eeeEEE
River-Lea gets paralyzed by a Ghoul. Breaks out of it immediately after.
Juniper activated insta kill and killed 2 ghouls.
Raven with the fire rune = he has the fire emblem.
Live Raven reaction: use the stone rune to charm a Ghoul.
The charmed Ghoul is getting fucked by Alistair. (That is how Zain flavors it.)
"It is a bit salty not gonna lie."
The homebrew cumshot.
The fight is over. Raven killed 10 of the 15 ghouls.
we keep going on haitus because something keeps coming up
BING BONG WE'RE BACK AGAIN
Georgie uses Jesus. It's super effective.
There is a spare chair that neither Zain nor Georgie sit on.
Praise the floor! (reference to TAAOD and the floormans)
Lara is now bulk buying books instead of crystals. (jesus, really calling me out on that one. y'all think books are an improvement to crystals)
Georgie has also fallen head first into sonic lore. Zain approves of this.
Zain goes goblin mode and jumpscares Alex.
The 5 Dwarves size up the rats (?) And think they can take them...in a fight, right?
Alex has completely lost it. "It took one sentence?! To make a sex joke?!" (new record)
Mick makes a small yelp. I don't know why they made that.
The Dwarves are not fighters, they're lovers.
Lara was really close to throwing their embroidery work at Georgie.
"The Gnomes want to fuck the rats" - Zain
"They're Dwarves." - Alex
"The Dwarves want to fuck the rats" - Zain
"Viscerally." - Mick
"With Pickaxes." - Georgie
"This is the weirdest Minecraft porn I've ever heard of." - Zain
It has been 17 minutes and Alex is so very broken.
"He's just Don John." - Georgie
"Anywhere else and he would be a racist black guy." - Zain
"The default for racists is white." - Georgie
Ew we're talking about religion.
Zain now wants to burn a Bible.
Communion wafers are made of Jesus' flesh.
"Who the fuck wants to eat Jesus?" - Zain (blame Jesus, he's the one who came up with the eucharist)
Georgie and Mick are Pagan. Zain immediately thinks of Pagan Min from far cry 4 (May Pagan's light shine upon us all.)
"We could take it 3 way." - Georgie
We try to figure out the context of the choc'd or Fingered quote. Georgie wondered if we fingered anybody.
There's a locked door behind the Dwarves. Iphigenia breaks their thieves' tools.
Mick was very closing in searching up 'how to make a bomb in D&D.'
Raven knows how to make gunpowder.
One of the Dwarves finally tell us of another way that involves climbing up a cliff.
Raven does a resident evil 4 and shoots the lock with his crossbow. He gets a nat 20 and breaks it.
Raven convinces the Dwarves not to fight the Lycanthorpe rats. The Dwarves made River-Lea literally swear to come back. (River-Lea says fuck).
The party stealthily make it to where they can see the exit. There are two guards that are standing in the way, watching out towards the clearing.
Zain ponders how to deal with this in the toilet.
Zain has decided to resort to violence with a suprise round.
"Gaylight, Girlkeep, Gasboss."
Plan has changed, Don John gets yeeted by River-Lea (georgie temporarily regains yeeting privileges which were revoked from the yeeting incident)
Raven is gonna suprise shoot a mofo.
Alex's brain is fried from all the sex jokes.
"Man your brain is really fucked up." - Zain
SUPRISE ROUND STARTS:
Juniper makes the guards crispy with a couple of scorching rays.
Raven gets a headshot on one and then brutally murders the other.
Raven has "edged the Dwarves emotionally."
There's another wererat that opens the door and sees the scene unfold. Then the party decides to bolt it out of there.
The party makes it back to Phandalin by sunset.
"What has Wester done for this village?" - Georgie
"Shit his pants" - Zain
Alistair and Dewdrop have been quiet this entire session.
Dewdrop was getting railed by Orcs and Alistair was just quiet.
Iphigenia and Juniper sleep at Iphigenia's family bakery and Raven and River-Lea sleep at the farm.
IT'S A NEW DAY, YES IT IS!
Zain falls for the Mind Goblin joke.
The party tries to persuade Wester to get double the payment. Instead the party gets 100 from Wester and 100 from Don John.
"Polycule is good for your finances." - Georgie.
Juniper is designated group accountant.
The party now goes to the blue lions store now run by Annette fire emblem.
Zain now voices Annette fire emblem in this campaign.
Raven fails to try and rizz Annette.
Georgie throws an eraser into the poutine.
We have 3 new quests! The party are ready to head out for Axholm and make a safe haven in the event of evacuation.
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yeah, and then we didn't have another session last week so i don't know where our hiatus is sitting
"I'm reveling in Highbury Library" - Alex
Alex cannot remember what the voice was for the crackhead rat. We are off to a great start.
Mick hates their brain.
Georgie: "welcome to neurodivergent."
"Crazy? I was crazy once. They locked me in a room. A rubber room. A rubber room with rats. The rats made me crazy."
"Cabin, cabin, crackhead rat." - Alex again.
Kevin says he's energetic. River-Lea thinks it's ADHD.
The party is lead to a very trashed office. Very trashed. (The chair is upside down!)
"Empty chairs at empty tables!"
Georgie sounds like Mickey mouse when they say "that is Mahogany!"
Kevin is fine. (He isn't)
Georgie and the flat dog have a staring contest.
Mick hears Bob the Builder out of vital organs.
Alex got tested for ADHD. He does not have ADHD.
Don John just goes through the messy desk of stuff.
There is some paper crunching. Kevin is eating paper. Juniper tells him to drop the paper.
Juniper picks up the chewed paper and sees a gold deposit.
Don John has found something odd: there are no records of the past 2 weeks (which are 10 days a week). In the same time, the communication has stopped.
Juniper bribes Kevin with paper.
Kevin leads the party to where the previous workers are... slaves?!!
Raven and Juniper convince (and threaten) Kevin to keep going to where the previous workers are.
"Why are you forcing her to touch the knob?" - Georgie.
Kevin forces Juniper's hand to open the door.
AND NOW WE ARE IN INITIATIVE! (thanks Kevin)
"The rats made me racist." - Don John
We are very distracted by songs
Alex plays the battle theme of pokemon red and blue for this battle.
Don John is now a racist black guy.
"Where the fuck are my glasses?"
"Up your ass."
A hellhound only deals 2 fire damage with burning hands (River-Lea is represented by a hellhound mini)
Juniper got Kevin to piss himself.
"Is he gonna recite the Holy Bibble?"
Kevin has a sword. The crackhead rat has a sword.
TIME FOR RIVER-LEA TO PLAY WHACK-A-RAT. They rolled a nat 20.
"Good thing I'm not adopted."
Kevin dodges another attack. A crackhead rat on Ultra instinct.
"You wanna get Choc'd or Fingered?"
River-Lea is getting eaten out... violently.
Raven finds out that Kevin is a Lycanthrope with his two attacks.
River-Lea gets punished by Georgie rolling their dice, knocking Iphigenia over and getting a nat 1.
Zain remembers that he successfully cast faerie fire on 3 of the rats. River-Lea successfully kills a rat because of this.
Juniper uses burning hands on the wererat. The wererat does a supersonic-rubber-chicken scream.
Mick jumpscares Alex with a chomp.
Raven kills Kevin with One winged angel playing in the background. His blood goes everywhere.
The rats are still attacking the party, despite Kevin being dead.
RIVER-LEA GETS ANOTHER NAT 20 AND POPS ANOTHER RAT'S HEAD.
Juniper opens the door to see a few Dwarves and talks to them.
Alex skipped Lara's turn.
The voice actors of the party members:
Juniper = Laura Bailey
Raven = Matthew Mercer
River-Lea = Allegra Clark
Iphigenia = ???
Alistair = Gordon Ramsey
That goddamn rat gets a nat 20 on Iphigenia
Five nights at Candies. Iphigenia survives the bite... of 87.
Raven gave Kevin's head to the Dwarves.
They are now playing soccer with it.
What is Iphigenia gonna do with the rat on her ass???
"That's not how you get a rat tail Lara." (Context: rat tail is a hairstyle)
DM: talking about a creature watching us from the shadows
Georgie: is it Shia Le Bouf
Zain: *mumbles something*
DM: what was that about prostitutes?
Arora BOARialous
We cast speak with animals on the boar staring at us
The boar has run away
Mick guessed that it was a wild-shaped druid, Alex does not confirm
We try following the "boar" and come across the logging camp
Sand ants, giant fucking sand ants, apparently called ank heads or something??
Mick asked if they were the same size as a wyvern. They are
Tibor Wester is a pacifist
Juniper accidentally mentioned burning down the buildings at the camp
The lumberjacks are all pussy
The burning of Gnomengarde is still on the table
"Ahhhh I wanna commit arson"
The ank heads spit venom
Juniper attempts to climb into the cabi
"Really?? Right in front of my jellybeans???" - in response to Mick and Georgie joking about knotting
Saying graphic depictions of spaghettification three times fast
We are now in combat
Tibor has a mistress
We traumatise Alex further (jokes about it not being water coming out of the tap)
Iphigenia tried pushing the desk out of the way, it fails
Juniper goes to push the desk out of the way, but ends up hurting herself instead. Alex said that Juniper stubbed their toe. Juniper is a satyr, they don't have toes
Riverlea also couldn't push the desk out the way
The ank head fails at chomping Raven
"First scimitar - oh fuck it's a nat 1"
The desk is still in the way
Georgie smashes the desk
They had to roll damage
It now has a hole in it
"That is mahogany"
Raven just took 13 acid damage
Raven has done some damage back to the ank head
We are free to leave the office
Tibor fucked off
Iphigenia is a master forger
"Fuck you. Literally" Mick to Zain as Zain is standing in front of the ank head. They thought I meant literal fucking so we had a good laugh
Riverlea slides under Raven's legs and casts burning hands
Georgie aggressively rolled their dice and did 12 fire damage
"Everything screams like the fucking gummy bear" -Lara
"You are prone being under Raven's legs" Alex to Georgie
Riverlea just got chomped by the Ank head
"You're going to fucking die" sad Riverlea noises
Riverlea just took 33 damage total. The polycule is barely holding on
"That was uncomfortably close to your groin"
Raven threw Riverlea back into the office and then proceeded to decapitate the Ank head
Raven is now Wally West crossed with Geralt of Rivia
Scaring Alex is becoming a reoccurring theme
Tibor is on the cart of supplies
Raven aims a crossbow at Tibor
Zain rolled a 10, it tied, Tibor is hit with a crossbow and takes 11 damage
Tibor is fucking dead
We are burning the evidence that we killed Tibor
We proceed to burn the camp to the ground
There are 3 more killer ants
"I like your funny words magic man" - Mick, Georgie, and Zain
Juniper has somehow survived this long and idk how
"I have a character called Orpheus" "Its Orphen time"
DM.exe not working again
Raven and Riverlea are going back to the cart
Juniper took 12 damage
Iphigenia did 14 damage to an Ank head
One Ank head is dead, the other is on fire
Juniper takes 4 damage
Iphigenia cast magic missile
Riverlea is going for the head
It failed
"Touch the grass"
Ank head 2 is dead. Juniper burnt it into a crisp
Lara casts magic missile again, and it misses
Mick is just casting burning hands
Iphigenia cast fire bolt
The ank head is disengaging
We are still killing it
The ank head is dead
The logging camp has been burnt to the ground
Off-screen they give the supplies to an orphanage in Neverwinter and then go back to Phandalin
Back to the Cuddle Pile. Raven rolls a high stealth to sneak out of the pile to trance. Iphigenia is technically wide awake in the pile but won't get out because… cuddle pile.
Randomly talking about jars being used to make ancient sex toys. Zain mentions something about an ancient fleshlight - debating if we remember it.
Me: Hang on let me go into incognito.
Alex: it's been less than a minute and we're already making sex jokes!!
The amount of times we're getting distracted from the campaign.
Fucking hell, we are ADHD.
Fire emblem is now canon in dnd /hj
Alex: I had to say fucking emblem, didn't I?
Juniper wanting to fuck Raven's mother for killing her abuser. RiverLea: I think she wants to be your Step-Mommy.
Alex: That sounds a lot like "Step on me, mommy"
We finally sold the Orc weapons.
The dwarf who owns the food store is a Scottish twink.
Mick: The dwarf is short and breedable. The dwarf is sounding mighty breedable.
Mick and I are now pissing ourselves.
Mick rolled an escort 20 persuasion for the twink Clerk to accept a tip.
We get food. Have we been hydrating this entire campaign?
There's 2 jugs of water for us to buy.
2 Jugs = 2 Jugs having sex = 2 Elves 1 Jug
Getting a 19 Roll is just edging off 13.
The guards let us through without really checking the cart.
Mick: we could've been kidnapping children for all they know.
It's a shame we didn't have a bard with a flute. Pied Piper the shit out of this.
An army of children to storm Gnomenguard.
Iphigenia and Juniper roll to push Raven into a lake, Raven manages to dodge but is blinded when RL pushes him in.
RL: Look at that. I really did get him wet.
The rations have chopsticks in them. We roll to see who knows how to use them.
Alex: you manage to recall… how do I say this without setting you off??… the hand position.
Paper, scissors, rock to see who gets the first watch.
"That's racist in the most romantic way possible" I don't remember the context. Apparently the line prior was "You fucking goose: and Zain heard Moose in the context of Alex being from Canada.
Alex, telling a story: why am I speaking as if I'm on Stream?
Micks: because you're behind a (DM) screen.
He realising now in hindsight, his sister couldn't fucking see at a young age and recalls all the time prior to the moment realisation that should've been signs.
I think I need an eye test.
We keep detailing. This time was the DM's fault.
"Is God fuckable?"
Everyone's luck is getting pegged by God.
Paper scissors rock again
Gets an escort 20 for the first watch "I'm shagging this mother fucker"
We start this session with talk about Jensen Ackles and morally grey characters with daddy issues
And lots of talk about Percy Jackson
We got severely distracted and are starting the session nearly an hour later than intended
We are heading on a quest
We are levelling up out characters and I forgot my class.... we also all forgot how to level up
IRL ASMR done by Lara using micks water bottle
"Alex is in Spain without the S" "Nah, Alex is in Spain without the A" Alex proceeds to stand up and spin
We have yet to officially start
We went full circle back to one of our first conversations where we discussed the plausibility of using a gnome as a butt plug/dildo to shoving a gnome up your ass and letting the magic go wild
We have yet to actually do shit
Georgie didn't realise that they can stack the lollies to make different flavours
Raven knocked on Westers door like he was Sheldon
"Barthen body works"
Juniper and Iphigenia go to the bakery. Juniper meets Greg (short for Gregor)
We get more cheese
Juniper successfully gaslight Iphigenia's dad-"Where are you from" "uhhh, your mum"
Greg is officially a himbo
The fantasy version of Game Of Thrones is called Fourplay (a series of plays created by a friend). Alex thought it was a sexual thing.
I screamed after accidentally calling Zain Zak. It was a decent scream
The montage of us travelling is to either On My Way (from Brother Bear but by Mick and Alex's choir) or the Indiana Jones theme song
We are travelling 25 miles per day
"Four hours of your mom"
Georgie and I keep comparing Norwegian and Danish as we are both learning them
there are 18 sets of dice on the table rn. I don't have a dice addiction, I swear.
both watches are fine on our first night of camp
"what is the first thing you guys want to do at camp?" "Die."
"Laylon" "Laylon on these nuts!"
Alex is done with us
Shenanigans ensue. Alex is still done with us "Stop jacking off your armlet please" - Zain is talking about my Pandora bracelet because when i shake my wrist it jangles (also seems he forgot the word for bracelet)
Juniper now canonically wears jangly bracelets
Zain and I just rolled two sexy 20s.
Juniper was trying to push Raven off the cart because he called her a Centaur
Juniper got clotheslined
Riverlea and Iphigenia see it in slo-mo
Alex drew Raven clotheslining Juniper
Juniper is now the shooting star meme
Georgie cracked out the soundboard
Juniper climbing onto the cart to push Raven off
Raven: Call an ambulance, but not for me
Juniper sees nothing on her watch
Alex was glad he didn't pay attention when I explained what the blood eagle was
Iphigenia is about to be attacked by bees
They are not bees. They are alarmingly large wasps
Georgie is trying to rick roll Alex
free bird.mp4
we drew a map
Guardian battle.mp4 (Legend of Zelda BOTW)
in halo voice headshot
headshot x2
old mitre 10 ad is referenced
Juniper just used a level 2 spell slot to use burning hands on the wasp
Georgie rolled a slutty 20 to bonk the wasp with a mace
Riverlea caved the wasps skull in
Juniper and Raven play soccer with a wasps corpse
We get stuck in Auckland traffic
We smuggle weapons into Neverwinter
We go to the vinenratt (vine and rat)
There's only one bed. The polycule begins
Juniper, Iphigenia, and Riverlea are all cuddling on the bed, Dewdrop and Alistair's ghosts are going to try and shove Raven onto the bed
It took Divine intervention to get Raven on the bed
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And more edging jokes ensue. Honestly? This entire session is just jokes about edging.
"Lara you're a lesbian, stop taking it like a dick."
"Let's horror this cunt."
Raven and Iphigenia are travelling back to Phandalin to manipulate the town master to help them rebuild the ghost town for the orcs (Raven for intimidation, Iphigenia for pulling the 'we saved the town and you killed my sister' card)
Juniper and Riverlea are going to retrieve the cow from last session
We are constantly derailing the campaign to talk about something else.
Goes up to the cow: hey, yo, wassup bitch!
"The most he's done is pull on the tits. How else do you expect to him to get the milk."
"Wait. You mean in Phandalin when people ask for milk they're asking for breast milk?"
"I'm a cow."
"I'M NOT EVEN THERE!"
(Zain breaking the fourth wall to get clarification on the apparent world building)
Juniper stealing ash from the dead bodies she burnt last session.
Two stars. No ghosts in the ghost town. Very disappointing.
"You made cow tits canon!"
"They've always been canon they're called udders!"
There were dreams of arson.
Juniper and Riverlea have had an uneventful night.
Dirty 20? Nah. Slutty 20.
Whore 20 Thot 1
Raven and Iphigenia also had an uneventful night.
Iphigenia just got shot with an arrow. And the bush is on fire. And it is screaming *inset burning gummy bear scream*
"I roll to attack the bush."
BBQ goblin (something to sell to the butcher)
This poor goblin
Any roles higher than a 20 is overstimulation
Fre Shavac Ado (Riverlea's Couatl) ate the goblin.
I have to roll to hit a tree. And I have to roll damage for the tree.
"I quite like being mounted. I've only got a dagger"
So much is happening and I'm missing all of it because it came to my attention I need an arcane focus??
We've driven the town master to alcoholism
There may be a website or wiki in the works for this campaign. Maybe
We spent ages just going through out-of-context quotes we had collected from various places.
"SUCK SUCK SUCK SUCK" Mick dying from the sucking. "Maybe not do that to the person who spilt their drink last year.
River Lea and Raven dump Orc corpses at the butcher:
"Wait… what is this guys race?"
"Oh god, he's not an orc right?"
Did we mention they are naked? The human butcher is hauling naked Orcs to the back of his freezer.
Oop! An opportunity to get more Australi- I mean Orc Meat.
DM.exe is not responding.
Town Master is pretending not to be home to deal with us.
Juniper threatened to break in and enter through the broken window (courtesy of Cryovain)
Yeah the town master hates us now. (I am not surprised)
Bill Neigh the Cowboy Guy!
"Georgie, stop breaking the DM!" I'm on notes today… 👋Hi! Also, I'm making little quips
We now can't stop laughing at saying we're selling Orc meat.
Mr. Wester is a fucking pussy making us do shit while he hides in his broken house.
(Pussy autocorrected to Pussy-cat and I don't know what's funnier)
Bill and his horse having a Flynn Rider and Maximus 'when he looks at me and I look at him' moment.
Bill and Town Master have similar accents.
Looks like the Orcs are Arsonist but in a Minecraft sense.
River Lea is banned from her dead ex's bakery for obvious reasons.
"Firecunt"… can we say cunt on here because we're kiwi? (Lara here, I say yeah. Our blog, we can do what we want)
they exit with a basket full of bread (of different shapes) and a cheese wheel the size of Juniper.
"What's that jerky made out of?"
"Beef"
"Are you sure about that?"
The butcher is traumatised so much that the DM forgot Juniper and Iphigenia did not come in with that Orc meat.
Debating who will mount what creature together. Enter Alistair with a shipping chart. Dewdrop & Alistair are plotting.
*insert shipping chart here*
Going back to the Farmer's house.
"Say boyfriend! Say boys! Say boyfriend!" Zain, 2024 in relation to getting the DM to refer to Raven in his dialogue to his child.
Juniper is canonically unhinged (slay). She may be a cleric but she will say unhinge shit to get a rise out of each other.
During our second long rest:
"Do you want me to roll perception again?"
"Ummm." *rolls dice* "Yes."
"I don't like those sounds"
A long rest later: BOOM white cow.
"You notice some bodies on the ground" Everyone chants 'let the bodies hit the floor'.
"Oh look! Orc meat."
"They are swarming with flies."
"… We're not touching those!"
Australian Orcs have returned.
Zain mispronounced Satyr to Satire.
We bonded with the Orcs over Racism. For once violence wasn't the answer.
Iphigenia is going to pull the dead sister card to get the Town Master to agree to get the folks of Phandalin to help rebuild the ghost town for the orcs
In the tune of Do You Wanna Build a Snowman: 🎶Dewdrop, do you wanna fuck an Orc?🎶
Is Alistair a Furry?
Bonus:
Here is Juniper vs the image the DM had in his head when Juniper and Iphigenia returned with bread and cheese
