#session recaps

• "You smell like smut"

• Mick does a tarot reading about the upcoming American election (spoiler: alot of turbulence)

• The word 'excommunicate' gets thrown around alot.

• "Land of the free? More like land of the reee" - Zain and Mick

• Raven tries to slap Juniper awake.

• "Is Dewdrop still getting railed?"

• Iphigenia ghost.exe has entered the chat

• "Have you tried possesting?"

• "It's the only chance you'll have to be inside your girlfriend." - Dewdrop

• Mick really wants Juniper dead.

• "I hand the knife to the toddler." - Georgie

• Ghost rugby team name: the All Deads

• Does the Dagger want to kill? Or does it want to slice some cheese?

• Dewdrop falls into a dagger and then kills Juniper.

• Raven loots Juniper's body as her ghost appears.

• Ghost River-Lea appears.

• "Who are you? Whose Rhea?" (FUCKING BOMBSHELL)

• Ghost Juniper and Ghost Iphigenia leave for a Ghost honeymoon

• Kallisto is straight up not having a good time.

• "I can make fire I don't know how to fuck it though." - River-Lea.

• The party decide to follow where the Lyre sound is coming from.

• Perched atop a rock, there is a Dhampnir woman playing the Lyre...a familiar acquaintance of Raven's:Harmonoia

• Harmonoia joins the party and they all head back into the spider room.

• Tweed is so tall he pats Raven on the head.

• There is a Shild (Alex's wording) on top of the fireplace.

• Dewdrop and Alistair sing the secret tunnel song, then Dewdrop sing WAP.

• Harmonoia may fuck the dragon Cryovain???

• There are no feet in the foot locker. Raven makes a joke about foot fetishes.

• Tweed takes the shield off the top of the fireplace and gives it to Kallisto.

• "Tweed? Like the fabric?" - Harmonoia

• Tweed is officially Canon.

• "Oh no can she feel ghosts?" - Zain

• Harmonoia can feel the ectoplasm.

• Zain, Mick and Georgie misinterpret what Alex says about the next room the party reaches.

• Raven, Harmonoia and Tweed adopt Kallisto as their younger sister.

• Harmonoia just drops the info of the ghosts being around Axholm. Raven got called "Kennedy".

• There is a glint of silver. Tweed wanted Raven to shoot it. The glint of silver ends up being armor.

• Raven shoots at the armor and annoys Harmonoia. They exchange banter.

• More doors! All these doors.

• Raven opens the "soggy" door. More lore gets dropped about Raven and Harmonoia's past.

• "Two hearths make a right."

• The party hears a fluttering noise in the abandoned blacksmiths' forge. Harmonoia casts dancing lights to light up the room.

• The fluttering noise is coming from the chimney as more mosquitos pop into the room.

• Raven pops the mosquito with a crossbow bolt.

• "Fuck yeah concrete!" - Georgie

• Harmonoia has martial envy, jealous of Raven's proficiency.

• Raven finds a full tool rack of smithing tools.

• Mick opens up the index of the player's handbook and sees "sex."

• Mick scares everyone (Zain and Lara a little bit)

• The holy bibble.

• "Tool room? Yeah I sure hope it does." - Georgie

• We make a bunch of sex jokes which send Alex into Spain without the A.

• "Smithing without the ing." - Zain

• "Who the fuck is Smith?" - Alex

• "SMITH DEEZ NUTS" - Zain

• More sex jokes.

• "It's not that I can't breathe I just forgot to." - Alex.

• The party now goes to the eat room. We immediately leave as there are all those Ghouls we killed a few sessions ago.

• We go to the weetbix door. Raven recognizes the room.

• "Is this a sex dungeon?" - Harmonoia. Alex loses it. Raven spots a gloryhole before he leaves.

• "Oh dear lord you've been to the Daily." - Raven

• The party go through the never weet-bix door.

• The party sees rocks in the fireplaces.

• We have explored all but two of the rooms in the throne room. Raven leads the party into the western doors and into a dining room.

• Through a small door in the dining room and the party sees a kitchen. Raven finds a small bottle of beer.

• The party has explored all of Axholm. They decided to haul all the ghouls into one mass pit outside of Axholm. Raven makes a bonfire using a scimitar and his fire rune.

This session has started off with a yelling match about who's fault it is that the shapeshifter was in Gnomengard and killed Alistair and Rhea

They are arguing about using glass bottles instead of using barrels

They're trying to convince the gnomes to give them the giant siege weapon from session one

It is not going well

Alistair is speaking from the dead

They forgot about the fact the barrels of wine are on fire

"That's your fault you fucking incel!"

This session has just been bickering

Still bickering

There is still a fire

Zain finally checked the spells the gnome he was playing had.

"You could have done that this whole time!?"

The ray of frost completely misses

"So now what?" "Drink the barrel of wine, in one go!"

They're arguing again

The gnome Rhea killed had it coming The gnomes husband got mutilated by a cactus

We still haven't put the fire out

(not that I can do anything, Rhea is dead)

The fire has finally been put out in between all this bantering

"Does anyone have a sword?" "WHAT!" "The only way to get the mimic off is to cut the arm off."

It is revealed the kings are gay. Gay jokes ensue

Theorising how to use the mimic corpse to kill the dragon

Rest in peace, Alistair. You missed the chance to fuck the dragon

And they are arguing who's fault it is that Alistair and Rhea died. Again.

Juniper just threatened regicide

"Daggers solve everything!"

"I've been thinking of this thing, it's called a straightjacket." "How can it be a straightjacket, they're gay."

"He's not my king, therefore it is not regicide. It's just murder."

Juniper is threatening murder

"Are you threatening me?" "I can't tell if she's threatening or flirting." That line worked

Juniper is unhinged

Blood for the blood god

Technoblade never dies

Blob for the blob god

Sorry, 'modest' *limp wrist*

The gnome threw the mimic blob. Juniper threw a dagger. Surprise combat

A king is stuck to a chair Juniper and Dewdrop: kinky

King, to his husband: I just wanted to protect you, dude Juniper: Aww... Gay! Dewdrop: You call your husband dude?

"It's not gay if they have socks on." "Alex do they have socks on?" "Yes I have socks on" "We're talking about the gay gnomes"

They're rolling to see if the gnomes have socks on. They have decided that the gay gnomes have socks on

"Hey gnome kings! Take your shoes off!"

Alistair is going to fuck the god of the dead

Instructions unclear, I have fucked a god

Rhea is just called bush lady

She turned into a bush after death

Does the wand vibrate? Maybe

Juniper still wants the siege weapon

Juniper and the king pinky promise

Do we trust juniper and Dewdrop with a hat of wizardry and a wand of pyrotechnics

Juniper gets the wand, Dewdrop gets the hat. Dewdrop cannot use the hat as Dewdrop is not a wizard

More gifts. Clockwork amulet and a pole of collapsing

Juniper gets the pole, Dewdrop gets the amulet

Everyone gets drunk

Rhea and Alistair's corpses were burned. Just for fun

We survived one night at Freddy's

Zain is playing Scott Pilgrim

Alistair fucked the god

Is Alistair a dom? Nah, he's a brat

"We will not leave unless you help us de--assemble the siege weapon and help us reassemble it and arrange transportation"

"Do it or I will commit regicide"

"I have the power of the ghost of Alistair and he will pelvic thrust you all he fucked a god"

I don't think they're getting the siege weapon

Delaying telling Rhea's family she died

Ask first, kill next, fuck last (in order: Dewdrop, Juniper, Alistair)

Meet Iphigenia. She's mad she's upset. She's down for arson and using Scott as dragon bait

There has been too many sex jokes

"fine. I'll just slide in the tip"

Dewdrop has realised that they have left the chaotic one of the pair alone to handle the delicate task of telling Rhea's family she's dead.

Was Rhea cremated? Close enough

"Juniper do not fuck shit up!" Dewdrop says, as everything is fine

Can Scott see the dice rolls if he thinks he's in a video game? Yes. Yes he can

Swearing is censored for Scott

Iphigenia thinks her sister fucked

Would animal handling work on the manticore?

The manticore took out the cleric in one hit

Dewdrop just bonking the manticore on the head with mage hand Did not last long

Thank fuck Iphigenia didn't die yet

I'm actually doing damage

Georgie's YouTube soundboard isn't working. They got hit by an ad which gives interesting implications

Juniper and Iphigenia are getting on like a house on fire. They've been planning arson together

Helicopter helicopter

Georgie just rickrolled everyone with their soundboard

Soundboard: emotional damage! Alex: yeah that tracks

Poor Alex

Soundboard shenanigans

The first Nat 20!

Iphigenia killed the manticore (this was not the nat 20)

Juniper: come back to the village or I'll kill you Iphigenia: oh my god I love you

That is why she's the goat, Alistair says about the satyr

Scott is the parties waif

Sub plot of Alistair becoming a father figure to Scott, and then discovering that he has a son

Our adventures hopped off the cart to come to the valiant defense of their oxen, as well as a fellow trader on the road. Delsto loosed arrows enhanced by Vincent's magical aid through the heart of one wolf, while Chayenne pulled another close by her whip, and Hobriuthus (Yobling IV of Candlefruit Court) felled another in a rage. It was a close encounter, Chayenne having been knocked unconscious by the attack of one wolf (we love level one combat)- but with their companion stabilized, they now stood outside Phandalin.

They are greeted by Elmar Barthen, the orc shopkeep who had come to the aid of the trader- and his goods. With the trader's injuries and the death of his horse in the attack, Barthen asks for the party's help in delivery of the goods to his shop, Barthen's Provisions, in return for a free item each. The cart now attached to the centaur druid's mildly offended and still wounded self, the party arrives in town. 

After debating their items, finally settling on healers' kits and a game of cards, as well as horrifying the shopkeep with Hobriuthus (Yobling the etc...)'s interest in his candles (and the realization that HY4CC could and will purchase thousands of them. to eat.), Barthen directs the party to the Townmaster's Hall, and the cowardly Townmaster Harbin Wester's requests for help. They look to see the outside of the hall covered in signs poorly warding off dragons, and decide they should immediately mess with the man by pretending to be dragons. Delsto helpfully conjures a flat PNG of a dragon with Minor Illusion at his door.

HY4CC, noticing the man's distress, forces open the slit in the door he speaks through to offer him a candle. The townmaster is exasperated by the party's foolery, but deeply needs the help, and directs them to the job board, where the party selects their first quest- Umbrage Hill.

"The local midwife—an acolyte of Chauntea named Adabra Gwynn—lives by herself in a stone windmill on the side of a hill a few miles south from Phandalin. With dragon sightings becoming common, it's not safe for her to be alone. Urge Adabra to return to Phandalin. Once she's safe, visit Townmaster Wester Harbin to claim a reward of 25gp."