I JUST CAN'T — M. ROBINAVITCH/J.ABBOT
TW: SELF HARM!!!! Alcohol Consumption/Drug Use/Su!cidal Ideation!!
Pairings- Michael Robinavitch/Jack Abbot
"Brother I am so glad to see you," Robby gently hugged Abbot, Abbot's eyebrows raised as he laid a hand on his back. As they turned, Abbot looked at Robby noticing Robby's glistening eyes that screamed "I'm going to lose my mind soon."
Hours later, Robby looked at Abbot as Abbot was entering data within the computer system for a patient. Abbot took a glance and nodded at Robby as Robby grabbed his backpack and walked upstairs through the fire door towards the roof.
Minutes later, Abbot joined the spot, quietly but just loudly enough to catch Robby's attention. The wind gently blew against Robby's warm but emotional face as he tried not to cry. It was mainly warm, an eventful summer ending day.
"You're in my spot," Abbot admitted.
Robby was quiet, but this time he peered down and leaned his head then turning as he heard Abbot's voice. He couldn't decide if he wanted to silently cry, or become hysterical in Abbot's arms. Either way, he just wanted Abbot to hold him.
Abbot furrowed his eyebrows, hopping over the metal barrier and quickly grabbing onto Robby pulling him back just enough to be away from the edge. Suddenly, Robby just let out a stifling cry. Abbot's heart jumped, then his hands turned to his face. Robby was in tears already. Abbot took his stethoscope off, throwing it to the side and hugging Robby intimately, arms underneath Robby's and wrapped around his waist. He leaned back to view the brokenhearted Robby. He sobbed noisily, not being able to hold in his emotions as well as he usually does.
"Michael, baby? What's going on?" He whispered, kissing Robby's forehead continuously in small pecks, laying his chin against his neck, shaking softly in anxiety. Robby's legs and body shook as he released his built up emotions. Usually this would have to be reported, but Abbot decided this moment was more important than ever, especially as his boyfriend sobbed in his arms.
Robby tried to collect his words, but all they came out were "I can't- I just- god fuck me" he stumbled, coughing out as he shook. Abbot held his face with one hand while laying his other on his back, kissing his neck where it meets the shoulder muscle to comfort Robby. These spots were Robby's safe places to feel better, but he wasn't having any of it tonight.
"Jack, I just- we need to leave. I can't do this right now. I can't stay here," he whispered harshly, "I don't feel safe. I don't feel okay, at all." Abbot's hazel eyes dilated in fear, "What? What do you mean, Mikey. Talk to me, I'm right here." He held his hands tightly now, he never signaled a movement of discomfort even though his body was screaming to sit properly. Robby's lip trembled, then a noise came out from his chest, almost like a whimper.
Abbot started to become even more worried. Scared. "Mikey. Please," he quietly said, knowing that talking could trigger a harsh reaction like the last time he tried. Robby grabbed Abbot close, and squeezed as hard as he could. Abbot croaked, "Careful," his voice strained. Robby let go but stood up now, pacing back and forth around the roof with his hands on his head. Abbot watched, his eyes never leaving Robby's lean body.
Robby fell to his knees, and prayed whatever he could remember from his Jewish grandmother's days. Whispering, he clutched his Star of David necklace, whispering. Abbot followed silently, and held his hands, listening to his words. Robby shifted his hands, to also clasp Abbot's hands in his.
"Jack.. I feel suicidal tonight." Robby admitted, "I don't want to scare you but I just-" he paused, looking away, "I need you. I want to go home. I want to just be okay with you holding me. That's all I want."
"Okay," Abbot swallowed, "Is it a harm type, or just 'I want to disappear' type of suicide baby?"
As soon as they got home, they took their scrubs off, both barely just naked, only in boxers. Robby pulled Abbot onto the bed, and hid in his neck, wrapping around him like a koala. Abbot was terrified, he's never seen Robby like this. They were both quiet, Robby silent as he laid into Abbot's chest. Abbot ran his calloused fingers through Robby's short black hair. Robby whispered, "I feel safer, but I don't feel good at all, Jack."
"Okay, Mikey. That's good. I'm glad, god you scared the hell out of me. Do you need anything?"
Robby leaned back to look at Abbot, then nuzzled his nose and kissed him. Abbot smiled softly, "There's my Robin boy," he scratched Robby's bare back gently. Robby's eyes traced Abbot's nose and eye shape, his eyes turning into hearts. Abbot watched, then noticed Robby's slightly reddened forearms. "What's this?" Abbot asked, "What's that from? Something happened at work?" Abbot inspected it deeper, Robby shoved him off, putting his shirt back on, then Abbot tackled him down, "Robby what the hell! What is that, hm? Are you harming again? Without ME knowing?" He nearly shouted.
Robby sat up, looking away ashamed. Abbot grabbed his hands fiercely, then his face. "Is this why you've been feeling suicidal? Get one quick cut and say, "Oh I deserve it," after something you couldn't control, right? Or telling yourself "Jack won't mind," babe this is NOT okay!" He slightly shook Robby for emphasis, tears building in his hazel eyes.
Robby swallowed, looking away with tears threatening to fall. Oh god what have I done. What if the only person that loves me leaves me for something stupid I did? Fuck me. Fuck me. FUCK ME.
There was a long silence, Abbot looked at Robby with concerned eyes, then gently turned Robby's face as they both cried. "I-I can't s-ay anything either. I've been burning myself" Abbot cries softly, weeping noisily which Robby's eyes grew even more worried.
"Where?" he whispered, laying his head on Abbot's shoulder and hugging him.
"On my leg, amputated one... and lower thigh behind the knee. God it felt amazing* he admitted.
They both looked at each other, their throats thick with emotion. They both fucked up, both doctors, both lovers. Good grief.
"Oh," he murmured, "Recently?"
"Why do you think I've been hissing to myself for a while now?"
Was he that clueless? Or royally fucked in the head just like Abbot? Abbot was easier at masking his emotion. Though he talked a lot to ignore his emotions.
Robby's brown eyes met Abbot's hazel, and they both leaned into each other's embrace. Abbot breathed heavily, his warm hand laying on the nape of Robby's neck, gently brushing his soft hair. Robby shuddered, then kissed Abbot. Abbot returned hungrily, kissing him harsh, "God we're both so fucked up. I have urges right now,"
"So do I, but it's not right of us to do."
"I don't give a fuck what's right or wrong, we save people's lives every fucking day, see death everyday, it's all wrong. We shouldn't have to but we do. We chose to. And we're both equally fucked in this hell hole" Abbot rambled which made Robby's heart full. At least he's back to being himself, but how do I tell him that I quite literally almost bled out?
Minutes later, Abbot groaned softly, kissing Robby while he lit a cigarette. Robby melted and grinded his body against Abbot's as they kissed, "Burn me," Robby gasped into another make out session. "What?"
"Burn me" Robby repeated, looking into Abbot's eyes dreamily. God they were both fucked. Abbot yanked his pants from the bedside table as he set them earlier and grabbed a small bag. Robby's grin expanded as Abbot poured the pills and small Ziploc baggie out. "LSD? MDMA?" Robby's eyes were blown.
"Molly baby," Abbot grinned, grabbing a knife from his other pocket.
They both grin and swallow it whole. Robby grabbed his cigarette, inhaling and coughing then forcing it against his skin harshly. He sqwuaked, and hissed with a throaty groan. Abbot moaned at his reaction, humping against Robby.
About 2 hours later, their jaws were trembling and eyes blown to a huge circle, bodies shaking and sweating. Robby groaned softly, laughing and humping against Abbot. "Mmmmm my good boy, who's a good boy? Are you my good boy, yeah?" Abbot was dazed, drooling onto Robby's chest as he humped him. Abbot pulled the bottle of whiskey closer, letting Robby take a taste and taking a huge swing of his own.
Robby squeezed his eyes tight, shaking the burning sensation off his throat. Abbot encouraged, "Drink some more, more baby, more Dr Robby, yeah. Just like that" he tipped the engraved bottle upwards, while stroking Robby's dick full of lube. Robby was in heaven, nearly choking from how fast the burning liquid settled down his throat and into his stomach.
"Good boy!" Abbot wickedly grinned, clearly out of his element. His eyes depraved. Robby's were full of trust and both enjoyment.
"ROBBY DON'T STOP. FUCKING HELL" he groaned loudly, ensuring everyone in the apartment building could hear his older man thrusting into his gut. Robby dangerously gripped Abbot's lean body, his nails leaving crescent marks against Abbot's lighter skin, which would turn even more red later. Maybe some bruising.
"I've got you. I've... got you." Robby groaned into his ear, nearly passing out from the alcoholic exhaustion, and residue from the molly high.
Abbot grabbed his face and kissed him, which Robby became elated and pounded his slim body more. Plaps became listenable from rooms down, and the bed nearly broke from the velocity of Robby's thrusts. Abbot whined, and grunted into the pillow, holding onto Robby's dried bloodied arms and hands from their earlier cutting and burning session. Robby groaned, "Jack I'm gonna fucking explode, I'm gonna cum so hard," his voice strained, hair dripping sweat. Abbot encouraged him, toppling over him and switching positions, riding Robby as he rode his high. Robby wailed loudly, and a loud guttural moan released, hands bruising Abbot's lean muscular body. Abbot whined and groaned, slowly flopping onto Robby as he was filled.
Soon, Robby would be fast asleep, squeezing Abbot to near death as he snuggled. They would have the worst things to tell each other the next morning, but at least...
They were not dead. Til death do we not part.
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