.

I dunno if I want your viewing to have an open casket or not. I think it would be nice to see you in real life one last time but I dunno if you'll still look the same when you're lifeless and that scares me.

"I love you, times a million."

Knowing that heaven and hell and god are all just metaphors, having someone you knew and cared about die, makes the concept of death so much more terrifying. He just doesn't exist anymore. I used to like to think dying was like, being in a dream forever. It's actually just complete nothingness, I don't know what could possibly be more scary than that.

I always wanted to make you feel okay. I tried so, so hard to keep fighting for it too. You'd ask me how I felt about things knowing I'd be completely blunt with you. You'd ask me if you've improved, sometimes it would be "No, not at all. I still don't know if you mean what you say." and other times it would be "Today Connor, you mean it." I knew in the back of my mind you were just sad and broken, but I always tried to get you to open up to me and feel comfortable and you did. I remember laying in your bed and just talking while we skipped your friends dodgeball game. Being completely vulnerable to each other. I like to think that helped you a bit. I loved calling you and smoking a cigarette at the park or above Ogden while we laid on my car. I loved when you'd call me babe around your friends and make me feel involved. I'm sorry about your brother but more importantly I'm sorry you felt like you couldn't go on anymore. Rest easy, stupid.

"Can I see your dick?"