a Merlin side blog

When Gwen looks at her side now there’s an empty throne. Every now and then it feels like a stab to the heart.

She could have it removed, but she chose not to. She wants to remember, even if it pains her.

She suspects Gwaine’s seat at the Round Table remains unoccupied for the same reason.

Sometimes she catches Merlin looking at it – vacant eyes on a vacant seat.

He sits at Gwen’s side, and she misses him. Arthur died after Camlann, but the Merlin she knew never returned either.

“Merlin?” she calls him, genty. He’s gathering some scrolls from the table, absent-mindedly. The knights have left, they’re the only people in the council chamber now, apart from the guards posted at the doors.

The sound of his name seems to bring him back to reality. Where were you? she’d like to ask him. Where do you go when you’re not here?

Instead, she says: “Will you come to my chambers later? I’ve amended my speech for tomorrow and I would like you to review it. If you have the time.”

Merlin gives her an empty smile. “Of course.”

Of course. He always has the time for Gwen, and he’s always perfectly polite. It's like he’s trying to atone for the unforgivable sin of not saving Arthur’s life. She wonders how long it will take him to feel like he has done sufficient penance. Perhaps one day he’ll realise it will never happen, and he will feel free to go.

He’s not staying. She knows it, even if Merlin doesn't. It may be a matter of weeks, or months, or even a few years, but one day the tether binding Merlin to Camelot will snap. It grows more frail by the day.

“Thank you,” she says.

Merlin dips his head and leaves, the bundle of scrolls tucked under his arm.

She looks at Arthur’s throne. Tomorrow she will address the people of Camelot and declare magic no longer unlawful.

“I wish you were here to see it,” she murmurs.

One day she’ll start living for the present and for what is yet to come, and not for the memory of the man she loved. But today she allows herself to dwell on the past, and to take some comfort in it.

As she brushes a tear away, the clouds in the grey sky part, and golden sunlight floods the chamber. It touches the red velvet of the thrones like a caress.

It feels like an answer.

Gwen smiles.