Adam Brooks

Like, “No, the quest can wait. There’s a mall nearby and I now have to buy leg warmers for my character because you did this and you can only blame yourself,” feral.

Dwarves: No hair. Anywhere. Not even eyelashes. Nope. Just angry, hard-boiled eggs.

Elves: Clumsiest people in the world. Slobs. Fingers always shaded orange from artificial cheese dust.

Halflings: Unlucky. Can’t hide easy. Why? They glow. They are always surrounded by a neon glow.

Dragonborn: Just humans who, from birth, are gifted with an extensive, pervasive, and all-encompassing knowledge of dragons. Which don’t exist. At all.

Half-orcs: World’s. Greatest. Scientists.

Aarakocra: Only variants are pigeons, turkeys, geese, and the rare swan.

Warforged: Need to be recharged every night. Can only use one specific type of cable to charge. Only one artificer company makes the proper (and overpriced) cable. They complain and sometimes won’t charge when you use a third-party cable. Constantly needs to return to town for software updates, which seem to degrade their functionality. New Warforged are always being created EVERY. YEAR. New ones ALWAYS have improved features. Must sign contract with actual devil to upgrade.