Xela, Guatemala

The following is the last paragraph of an assignment written in late May 2014 during the two-week BVC retreat. The prompt was: What challenges do you think you will go through during your time as a volunteer in the Benedictine Volunteer Corps?

I know that this will be a good experience for me but it is also difficult not knowing exactly what difficulties I will be dealing with yet. I fell that this is like an assignment where the real progress is comparing what I thought the difficulties would be with what they actually were.

What an incredibly insightful, yet evasive answer. I was trying to weigh the personal challenges against the communal challenges that might arise and guess at which would be more difficult. My inability to come up with a concrete answer in turn led to the non-answer above. I realized recently that I have a habit of giving non-answers when I am uncertain, or unsure how to respond to a question.

After writing about a half page, we had a short discussion about what we had written. There were a number of varying responses, some of which I had expected, as well as a few that I had not. Eventually the conversation turned to ‘self-discovery,’ which I had had been thinking enough about that I felt willed to contribute to the discussion.

“I agree with the self-discovery is a good personal goal, but I don’t believe that it is looked upon highly enough in society that it constitutes as an acceptable answer to the question, ‘Why did you join the BVC.’ What are your plans after college? Oh, I am going to go find myself in Guatemala.” It got a laugh, and the subject changed to something else, but I decided that the personal difficulties might outweigh any of the other difficulties that may arise.

So at this point, I should have had enough time to make an assessment of the challenges that I have gone through and if they were of the ‘self-discovery’ category that I made light of nine months prior. In truth, this comparison is the real difficulty because it has required some deep thought that I would not have otherwise pushed myself to really ponder.

I have come to the conclusion that the so-called, process of self-discovery is the wrong way to go about personal growth. The basis of this is that one can only discover something if it already exists. Before this thought-train leaves the station to Philosophy-ville, I realize that the whole pre-destination thing has its own set of tracks, but just let me explain. Self-reflection leads not to discovery, but to that of creation.

Each moment is spent creating yourself anew. The instant you attempt to find out who you are, it becomes an analysis of the past instead of a vision towards the future. Determine who you want to be, and become that person. What is the point of always looking inwards for some hidden talents or qualities, when you could be actively seeking to better yourself.

A couple of weeks ago, I was chatting with Prof. Valdemar in the woodshop and he asked me if my time in Guatemala had been good or bad. I wanted to explain that it was impossible for me to just sum up eight months with a single word. I doubt that I would be able to even start to explain all that I have been through in English, let alone broken Spanish. Part of the reason for these blogs is to try and put a swarm of ideas into a coherent ordered structure. It is tougher than it sounds. I eventually answered that it was too early to tell. At some point in the future, maybe I would be able to look back at the experience, or reread a blog and say, “Yeah, I did not realize it at the moment, but _____________.” He kind of nodded his head at this response and seemed to accept that I really did not have a concrete answer for him.

The closest to describing it in a single word might be, ‘raw,’ but that does not really do it justice because it still needs a fair amount of explaining. To put it lightly, almost nothing about this experience has been sugarcoated in any way, figuratively or literally. (My dentist, Dr. Nye, is going to be so proud of my teeth since my sugar intake has dropped to almost zero.) Before arriving, I thought I had some idea of what it would be like to observe the culture from the viewpoint of an outsider. I am Caucasian. American. English-speaking. Sure there would be formalities, but after that, I would just be another ‘gringo’ that came for a short amount of time for an ‘experience.’ This was most certainly not the case.

Almost from day one, I have been living the life of a monk. The only thing that has been missing is the robe, and I actually would have preferred the robes because it would have meant less wash cycles on my formalwear. (Soft water for laundry and showers has been sorely missed.) It stands to reason that my experience was more ‘raw’ (and starchy) because of it. ‘Raw’ is not synonymous with ‘real’ in this case, because something that is processed or synthetic can still be real. The definition I am searching for is somewhat closer to ‘untreated’ or ‘unrefined.’

Over the past week, I was asked the same question by two different people, which means I will probably be asked it again a number of times in the next few months. The question was, “If you had the knowledge that you have now, would you hit the ‘Rewind’ button and do it again?” I had to think about that for a while but the answer to that question is, “Yes.” It definitely is not a decision I would feel I could make for someone else, because it is not something that everyone would feel the need to commit to, but my current self would tell my past self to take the leap and do it again.

The Benedictine Volunteer Corps Handbook states, “A man’s year in service as a Benedictine Volunteer is one of growth, risk taking, opportunity, vision, and formation.” I can attest to each of these. More than that, I gained a worldview that encompasses how more than half of the world lives every single day. Poverty is raw.

Imagine a circle. It is yellow. It is safe. It is non-threatening. This is the comfort zone. Within this circle are many different aspects of your life including: social lifestyle, educational studies, occupational assignments, recreational activities, exercise routine, etc. One example of this might be lounging on the couch watching Netflix on a Saturday in your pajama pants because school got cancelled the night before due to heavy snowfall, and your boss emailed you and said you did not have to come in to work. If I found myself in this position, I doubt my resting heart rate would get above 60 beats per minute the entire day. At least until I heard a microwave ‘ding’ signifying that a plate of nachos was ready, at which point it would probably jump up to a 65.

Towards the edges of this circle, the yellow starts to become more of an orange color. Beyond the edges of the original circle, the yellow starts to dissipate and eventually becomes entirely orange. This area is the growth zone. It has irregularities and anomalies but not to the point of uncomfortableness. Maybe instead of sitting in your warm house eating up bandwidth watching House of Cards, you decide to go outside and build the biggest, most elaborate snow fort possible because school got cancelled the night before due to heavy snowfall, and your boss emailed you and said you did not have to come in to work. You text some friends, grab your shovel and start digging.

Now, you can probably guess what color the next circle will be. And if you guessed purple, you are right. Just kidding, it is obviously red. So eventually, the orange gives way to red and this is the panic zone. If you are brave enough, you might find yourself at the edge of your growth zone staring into the abyss of the unknown. Maybe you have never tried snowboarding before and today is the best day to try it because school got cancelled the night before due to heavy snowfall, and your boss emailed you and said you did not have to come in to work. At the end of the day, and many wipeouts later, you find yourself on the top of a run marked black diamond. If you decide to push off, adrenaline takes over and you either make it to the bottom on your own board, or on a stretcher with a broken arm. Either way, you found your limit and stretched it a bit beyond where it was before.

Everybody has different amounts of yellow, orange, and red that they are willing to tolerate, or explore, based on previous experiences. There are individuals like Elon Musk, or Bill Gates, who thrive at the edge of their panic zone, because it expands their growth zone and drives them to new innovation. When possible, I like to keep myself in the orange. Orange is my jam. Give me a new computer problem to solve. What is your new favorite band to listen to? Here, try this turtle soup. Have you read anything by Tolstoy? I should learn how to change my own oil.