a girl, a blog

Getting ready to talk anxiety and comedy on a friend’s podcast and I’ve never been so nervous about misarticulating my experience. I’ve been so lucky that my Generalized Anxiety with a side of Panic Disorder has become manageable in the last two years. Actually, it’s become so manageable that I’ve forgotten how bad my bad days were and even worse, how bad my good days were. I felt like I needed to research myself to share my own story. The original post is from four years ago and was taken during one of the worst panic episodes I have ever experienced. It included an ER visit because I didn’t refill my meds before my previous prescription ran out, we’re talking like a six month gap at a time I was feeling really good. My procrastination just happened to line up with a major breakdown because of course it did. I couldn’t leave my bed. I could only drink a specific rose tea that was supposed to help with anxiety and ice cold water which I hated but it made me shiver and the shivering would make me feel like I could release the energy building inside of me so I would force myself to drink it. I had to chew mint gum at all times and I would obsessively paint, chip, remove and then repaint my nails just to give myself something busy to do to keep up with the non-stop sprinting that was going on inside of my body. I was experiencing feelings worse than any medication withdrawal I had ever had and there had been some doozies. The adrenaline that never stopped and the super fast beating of my heart that I couldn’t stop checking by touching my neck, are two things I will never forget.  There were a couple similar experiences that followed this one but it’s been a few years. My daily panic attacks stopped after I found job stability and an apartment I loved and side hustles that kept me busier than my intense energy ever could. My anxiety is still there, I’ll feel it come through in various weird symptomatic ways that still make me worried that I have all the cancers and all the diseases but I don’t, luckily. People who know me well can sometimes see my anxiety in slight nervous ticks or speaking patterns, sometimes I won’t make eye contact because I just can’t navigate a situation outside of my own head. It’s still hard to sleep sometimes and every once in a while I just need to stay home and take care of myself instead of following through on the plans I’ve made. BUT these are small and fleeting moments. I don’t live in it like I used to or have the scary side effects (Brain shivers, anyone?) that I used to. Things are so fucking good that I could easily misarticulate my own story and I don’t want to do that to myself or others who live it. Not a bad problem to have, I suppose but still a problem. So here I go to my friend’s house with pages of color coded notes and snacks to share. Let’s hope I get it right! If you can relate or have depression ( or anything in between or outside of this) give SSRWhy? a listen. It’s not an official source of medical advice, just friends chatting about their experiences over beers and a microphone. Every episode is labeled and being baby podcast, they have so many topics to explore- it’ll be cool listening to whatever they cover next.