acid

i have this coping mechanism where if i'm not doing okay i just lock in and get shit done. if i have to be not okay, i try to make myself do it while standing up and/or materially improving the quality of my life. i cry while i clean the kitchen. i cry while i sew. i cry while i take a bubble bath and braid my hair.

i've gotten so good at it that most times i don't even need to cry, i just have my emotions while i do the task that makes my life a little better. this is just how i deal with having cptsd and bipolar disorder, it's my main coping tool.

the flashbacks are too slow to catch me, they can't pull me to the ground if i keep moving. the guilt and shame at my existence can be combated by material evidence of progress. maintaining normalcy even while i swing from hypomania to depression helps regulate my thoughts and emotions. i force myself into the rigid structure of routine and, like a splint on a broken leg, it holds me together.

the catch is that people see this behavior and call me "put together". a clean home, punctuality, a routine, none of those things scream "a person in crisis". it's impossible to tell when i did the dishes because they needed done or because i needed something to hold onto for fifteen minutes. if i did my makeup to feel cute or to give myself a reason not to cry it all off. if i've been waking up early because the insomnia is chewing on my brain stem or if i just wanted to work on my projects.