Life O' Mine

Discharge day. It’s here. I feel conflicted about it because I’ve spent the last eight weeks building relationships with people in similarly vulnerable states of mind. We have grown together as a group, even with the ins and outs of the people coming and going unexpectedly. And today, I am one of the ones going. I have a lot of pain and fear about leaving. Losing the daily support I’ve received…

It has been a little over a month since my last post. Consistency has always been difficult for me, but the last month has been overwhelming, difficult to process, and filled with trauma therapy. I ended my last update on marital failure and my personal problems that seemed to lead there. Who knew what came next? One week after my previous post, I was admitted to intensive outpatient care for…

I’m not needed anymore. This isn’t a story of suicide but of marital failure. I’ve been married for five years and we have gone through thick and thin. But during this time and even before I was married, I have struggled intensely and internally with my own identity, success, and inspiration. I regularly feel confused about my purpose and how to best fight for my happiness, and I have a bad…

I’m a super dummy. Everything that I have wanted has been given to me in the past many months, yet I still remain doubtful and unfaithful to myself and the God I’m supposed to follow. I spend a lot of time in self-doubt and self-degradation. I speak with more negativity than positivity. It’s rough and I’m probably the biggest dummy for it. Everything points to success. And all my experiences…

A big decision. A change of life.

Recently, we visited NYC and spent the weekend attending a wedding and exploring Manhatten, Chinatown, and the Brooklyn bridge. We took a ferry to Staten Island and saw the first lady, the Statue of Liberty. We lived a minimalist life, with our suitcases and an empty, rented room (aside from a bed). We lived a life that I can only call calm and peaceful despite the cacophony of the city streets.

And we came to a decision.

For the last three years, we have been renting a house, paying off someone else's mortgage. Rent is expensive enough that we haven't been able to save enough for our own house, or land, or both. As we sat in our single, barren bedroom in NYC, we had a discussion. How? How could I be happier here in the noisiest city I'd ever stayed, in a room that didn't even have decor in the walls? Why was I so depressed in a house back home that we had built our lives around? It was a question we didn't have an answer to, at least not in the moment.

But we could a decision. We need a way to save money, to get out of the cycle we have been in as renters. And so...

We bought an RV. The day after we got back from NYC, we went to our bank for pre-approval for a loan. We were approved. That afternoon we went to an RV showroom. We found a lovely 2018 First River Wildwood that was used, but in great condition and an even better deal. We "closed" on it and now consider it our first home. A home we got on our own, without help from others (including my parents). We felt peace and hope. We still feel peace and hope.

So finally, we have achieved the minimalist way. We can only fit so much in an RV. We get to clear out our house and decrease the junk we own. We are now mobile, and it is a feeling I greatly enjoy thinking about in the morning and afternoon and evening as I plan how we are going to move during the next 3 weeks.

It was a great choice. Saving $700 a month? Awesome. Welcome to the camper life, Ace Verae!

I'm a night owl. I've always been a night owl. Insomnia has been a problem since about 3 years old. It was enough that I'd be awake until 3 or 4am then. But I went on medicine and 3 or 4 am turned into every once in awhile.

And so, two months ago I started the most difficult medication transition of my life. I don't know if getting off the one med wrecked my brain chemical balance or adjusting to using the second med was just difficult for my body... or both. But the reaction was intense.

First came the extreme anxiety. Then came the depression. And finally the insomnia. Intense, bitter, exhausting insomnia. The former two problems lasted a week, maybe two (at most). But the insomnia almost killed me (figuratively).

24 to 30 hours without sleep, 2-5 hours of sleep in-between. Maybe I had forgotten how bad my insomnia was or maybe it worsened with time and I wasn't adapting to its changes due to meds. But I have never felt so exhausted and so literally unable to sleep. The pain of exhaustion and frustration of knowing I needed sleep but was too awake 24/7 (or so it felt) was nearly unbearable.

I finally adjusted to the new medicine. But I don't think I'll ever forget how terrible insomnia actually is and how much I appreciate that medication can manage it.

~

Moral of the story? I guess sacrifice is required to achieve your goals. But sleep deprivation is not a sacrifice I want to make again. Fin.

Life is really unfair. The things that bring happiness are so hard to keep. People always say happiness doesn’t last but joy does. I don’t understand it. 

My father has stage 4 cancer. I know it will probably defeat him in the end even though he’s made it a year since the diagnosis. I know I am losing precious time with him. But it is so hard to face him because I know where this will end.

The house and place I so loved to live didn’t work out. I miss New Mexico every year. I miss Santa Fe. I miss Rio Rancho. I miss the desert. I know we had to move away because jobs didn’t work out - we were broke and barely had enough to eat. We needed help. But in the process, I lost the place that brought me peace. I lost my joy. We had nothing then, but I was happy there.

I miss my grandmother. I distinctly recall the house she lived my entire life, with its roses and wolf-shaped bush, and the tepee in the backyard, and the ocean view from up above where she lived. I miss her creativity and her smile; I wish I had managed to visit her for Thanksgiving but I decided to wait until New Year’s Eve and she died just before Christmas. She never met my husband. She never saw my final achievements. She isn’t here to tell her stories and she will never hear of my goals that I have today.

I am very sad. I yearn for the past. 

If I was an actor, I would be great at the sad scenes. Natural tears would come easily. I often weep when I think of my father - even before he got sick - and my grandmother - and New Mexico. They are all part of the same story, the same happiness, the same dream. Two of them are now gone. One remains. And it doesn’t look good.

I wish life was more fair. I wish the people I love lasted forever. I wish we could go back to New Mexico. But alas, I have to accept that what I have left is memories only I can recall.

I should be thankful for what I have now. Appreciate it, love it. I am with people who care and whom I care about... But it doesn’t change my pain. I pity myself because I hold on so sharply to it. I just want to find that peace again, the peace I had with my grandmother and in New Mexico. To see my father live to a ripe old age and for him to see my children. But life is unfair. I am even more unfair. I can’t stop desiring for things that have ended. I need to love harder the things I may lose.

I have struggled with weight-loss for years, but this is the first sensible advice I've ever heard. And it's so true. When I cook my own food, my weight stabilizes and the scale even goes down. When I eat out at places or bring home takeout, I experience the opposite effect. Watch the video and tell me what you think!

Today is the last day of this 30 day blogging challenge. I barely made it to the end, to this post. My overly complicated life doubled its complicated reality over the past 24 hours and I am horribly behind on my final for my master’s class.

As such, I am glad this event is over. I am glad I can focus for the next two days on my schoolwork. I am glad that after Wednesday, I am allowed a two week break from my master’s program to readjust to working full time as a teacher now that school has started up again for elementary kids and high schoolers alike.

Most of all, I am thankful I made it to the end. Some days were really hard and some days I was falling asleep in the shower from the most exhaustion I’ve ever experienced. But without the encouragement of my blogger in crime, fellow writer of Thoughts Vault, who participated in this challenge with me... I don’t think I would have made it.

So here’s to El Fin 2.0: the end of the end of the end. Because there is no way I’m doing another challenge until I get my feet back on the ground and my time management skills up to par.

Ace’d It, Didn’t I?

See ya later, gang.

Ace out.

Guess what? Teacher's butt. Wanna buy a pound?

I got a call over breakfast from the head of school that they needed to split my 9-11th history classes in half. Suddenly I'm in charge of the entire high school history department and these new teacher's lesson plans, not to mention there's a bit of drama at the school over my medusa piercing.

So, instead of spending my Labor Day catching up on homework, I am meeting these newly recruited teachers to set up a game plan for this and all following weeks. Principal, vice principal, head facilitator of kids with learning differences, three new teachers, and me... We're all going to be there.

Well, that means I need to sleep. It's 10:18 p.m. and guess who's getting her butt out of bed at 5 a.m. again? This teacher!

Over and out.

Sincerely,

A Teacher In Crisis

Tired is a weird phenomenon. One moment you're exhausted and falling asleep in the shower. The next moment your body is forcing energy to pump through your veins to keep up. I wonder if my body will ever reach a point when it shuts down. I came pretty close this week. First week of school, last week of class (master's) and I totally failed to keep up.

Sometimes I think about time and how it impacts tiredness. When I am so overwhelmed, time seems almost non-existent because I am moving so fast. But there doesn't seem to be enough time for everything even then.

Maybe my interpretation of ultimate exhaustion will change from one week to the next. For now, it consists of starting to fall asleep at 7pm, bed at 9pm, wake up at 3am (stress), and repeat.

Here's to the strange phenomenon where energy finds you in your weakest moment. Here's to exhaustion and the rest we all need. Happy weekend!

So there's this thing that happens to me where I will suddenly dream wide, dream high and decide maybe I should just drop everything and pursue my passions. Drop my job, yes. Drop my idea of money. Actually go out and be the animal whisperer people know me as, be the writer I haven't been because life is just busy and honestly made me forget how to do me, myself, and I.

I wrote the above a few years ago and never finished the diary entry because, honestly, where an I supposed to do with that? I found it when I was reading through some old stuff at 3 a.m. in the morning last night since stress woke me up. It really rang true for me when I read it, so here we are to discuss it.

Animals are probably my greatest passion, and teaching history is my second. I haven't done the latter very long, but I enjoy it enough to go back to school for a graduate degree in the field, and the former has been a lifelong persistence.

Right now, I am stretched thin. Incredibly overworked and deeply exhausted. I have no time for myself because everything I do is for work (full-time), school (full-time), and rescuing animals (part-time). Whatever is left (none but I make it happen anyway) I use to make sure I'm still keeping up with the friends I care about (though consistency is lacking), and making sure the house is taken care of (chores, chores, chores). So as you can imagine, waking up at 5 a m. and sleeping by 9:30-10 p.m., there's a lot to do between.

My only console is my work ethic. As long as I keep moving and stay productive, I find time to get everything done... But only barely. I'm worried my body can handle so much before it breaks.

That's where I am now. Those moments when a person starts cracking and just seconds before they shatter from one small tap. If I can get through one more week, I'll finish my online class and have two weeks to reset. Here's to the final push, guys. Stay tuned to see if it's a success. (Still debating animals full-time, but, until then, here I am).

Peace.

My name is Ace.

My middle name is Tired.

And my last name is Workaholic.

Ace the tired workaholic at your service.

Sometimes I wonder when this will end, but then people remind me I did this to myself. And they're right. You choose to work your butt off... It doesn't just happen on its own.

So here I am. I'll see you next time, with maybe a joke and a little more positive news.

Well, the first day of school did not go as expected. I, for one, went to bed too late last night and, therefore, woke up late this morning. I didn’t have time to cook breakfast, or take care of the animals, or do a bible study, or anything I normally do in the morning before work.

Adjustment to the social distancing requirements among students was also nightmarish for a first day of school, as the kids haven’t seen each other since March and desperately wanted to hug each other and be extremely involved in the proximity of each other’s faces. 

So, though I felt rushed this morning, I managed to get to school on time. Tonight, I felt just as rushed because I didn’t have the time I needed this morning to do certain tasks. Plus, I have to sleep in an hour. So, with homework still unfinished, here I am overwhelmed, overworked, with a wake up disaster on the first day back at work.

Wish me luck for tomorrow, friends. I'm not a morning person and I need to be up at 5 a.m. sharp. That's why tonight's post is short. I know if I keep writing... I'll start ranting. And I need sleep. Badly.

Thanks for the listen though. Sayonara!

So we have this fabulous gas grill that has not only a decent sized grilling rack, but also a side burner for a pot. I have never used this side burner. In fact, we haven't used the grill in two years! It's just been sitting on our back porch and then our garage when we moved.

Well, yesterday, the electricity went out in the late afternoon (wreck out something? We heard sirens...) and it wasn't supposed to come back to us until well after 9 p.m. The whole block went out actually. All the neighbor came out of their houses, "Do you have power?" and "Has anyone called the electrical company?"

Meanwhile, drastic measures needed to be taken. After all, I refused to cheat on my keto diet and we were waking up at 5 a.m. the next morning (this morning) so were required to be in bed by 9:30 p.m. As such, dinner must be served before then.

So with electricity out, I unhooked the garage door for a manual open, unpacked the grill from a bunch of other storage debris, checked the gas tank (still some left), and began to set it up for cleaning, only then to realize I didn't have a grill brush.

I then sent my wonderful but exhausted husband to Walmart for a grill and fresh bag of broccoli. Officially, while he ran this errand, I moved the grill to the back yard.

With pork chops seasoned and prepped, I lit a group of candles and prepared for darkness. Husband returned (at last!) and we ate a wonderful grill dinner that included boiled broccoli from the grill's side burner. We went to bed on time and thought that was the end of it, despite the light timers in the animal room drastically put off schedule by the power outage.

And here I sit, 5:30 in the morning, and the electricity is coming on and going off every few minutes. So much for "fixed" and "back to normal," electrical company. I am disappointed in you.