AcesLastWrd

I rarely post on here and I’m sure no one will read this and I am ok with that. There’s things that’s been on my mind but I dont’ really like speaking to people and don’t care for their thoughts so I would much rather write & get it all down with no interruptions.

First day of the new year. *insert cliche statement and/or resolution* and shit really just carried over for me; as expected. I never expect much from the new year I really always just hope I pass my classes for the spring. I stopped telling myself this year will be my year because it rarely ever is and that’s all on my own account. Doesn’t matter how much Haitian soup I eat for good luck nothing is that big of difference. I don’t really believe in luck, unfortunate events? yes, but luck? not so much. I do believe in energy. what you put in and what you receive. But luck isn’t really real to me, being in the right place at the right time, meeting the right people, speaking up when needed..all those things I would say create luck? Energy I guess creates luck to those who believe in said luck. Energy is exactly what it is…you don’t make it happen it won’t happen. I have tendency to make things happen in my mind (crazy people shit) like it has already happened & I believe this is how it will go (crazy people shit again I guess) but its more so like I think of these things that I want to do and how I want to do it but I never actually do it. I don’t put the energy out..fear of it not working? maybe or poor planning..not doing research, being too lazy to do research or finding a whole bunch of other excuses as to why my mental vision can’t blossom. I’m dealing with a lot these days and there’s those people out there who are too selfish with their own life to notice or care or don’t really understand and that’s fine. We’re program to only worry about ourself. If we spent every waking day worrying about other people how would anything we need done get done? Better time management? or I don’t know maybe asking other people genuinely “how are you?” “how’s your family?” but people really don’t do that these either. I can go weeks or longer and not speak to some of my close friends and when do finally speak its brief and vague. But we also live in the world of “if you won’t tell me how would I know?” or the ” I was waiting for you to say something?” Some times it doesn’t matter how long you know a person they really don’t know you. I can almost always tell when something is wrong a friend..I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve I guess. Then you have those friends that are soooo self-absorbed and selfish! and needy and those are the people I never care to speak to..never voluntary pick up the phone b/c I already know how that conversation will go…and at time I know I could be that person people don’t want to talk either and that’s fine..I’m not perfect. i’m actually a really terrible person lol seriously. but i do care for a lot people and usually super concerned about others…I’ve met some people who aren’t like that..they have a decent portion of their life in order where they don’t need to necessarily communicate with me I shall say..am I nosey? yes who isn’t but Im a caring kind of nosey..always think I could help. They don’t want that. 

This year…won’t be different from the last..my father will still be sick and slowly dying right before my eyes, me and my sister will be going on uhhhh 17 years not speaking (oh she’s getting a nasty letter after this post) and these additional children who my father decided to bring up here will continue to not be shit & I will find a ever possible way to get them deported or moved out. What will change is me saying no. Me finally not living for other people. I live for my father and I gave up many things while doing and loss many jobs in the process; she hasn’t. Its only me. I need to take a break from everyone and really take care of my mental visions that I will like to bring to life. 

Drafting my thoughts in advance so I don't forget. I have to do this or I'll never post anything on here like I've been doing. 

A quick rundown on what's been happening in the past 5 months...

Father had to stop working due to illness.

I'm working overtime taking care of him

that car accident I feel may have shift gears for me; & not in a good way

I'm writing for a website now. Felt like a big deal.

I'm cooking sooo much more now and I love it.

I got a new stove (thanks awesome dad!) it has a window & errythang

Coming out of my shell more now. 

The writing is helping me understand people & myself.

Well that's all for now. Whoever reads this see you in I'll say another 5mos or maybe sooner.

***Disclaimer**

#KOTD Enjoy your Valentine Day people. I unfortunately was hit by a vehicle on my way to school but I’m ok. I lie Im not ok. Quite pissed I must say. Bitch wasnt even paying attention!! Talking about “sorry” nooo!! Pay attention heifer! My day is ruined (not that I had anything planned) but now your day is ruined as well!

Up late thinking about what next week has to bring, or better yet what I have to bring. The start of a new semester, I'm not too too prepared but stalling isn't going to prepare me either.