Digging into the college life I'm about to embrace, words cannot describe just how anxious, yet terrified I am to be for what I am getting into. This isn't going to be simple, but rather extravagant. However with such disposition that all this can be connected, my lack of mental capacity, along with deconstructed memory will in my own hypothesis, destroy me. I feel prepared to enter what is to be the future, but at the same time, have no guidance. It's all about what I can do that will decide my future. What sounded through my mouth like the life I will be leading, in my mind and heart says that this will be the biggest obstacle I'll ever have to face in my entire life. My future, my limits, my knowledge, and my power rest at what my will can manage.
I am afraid.
I don't know if I can do this. My major of Computer Science/Engineering PRE is just an undecided course. Yet, the advisers at the orientation gave little help to the plethora of questions that I had. Figures why every teacher only knows a particular field--that part limits their understanding of the vastness that is the University and the branches that it takes and paths that I wanted to understand through asking. The topics discussed weren't even relevant; Civil Engineering, Mechanical Engineering, Aviation--there's nothing I want to do in there. Little to nothing was discussed about computers. Software I could make, possibilities of creation and career development through the computer approach. Where was all that? Who will be teaching this? The teachers that show much bias towards the civil engineering passion or mechanical, with myself learning this when I had no intention to at all? Where is my branch?
I've lost my confidence.
It was too overwhelming, what was being talked about was destroying my brain. I have frequent headaches now because of what I have to deal with and what I want to deal with. There's no fine approach. I just don't know how I'll not manage, but reach that goal. Everything before the initial classroom setting was so empowering and motivating. I felt so happy to be at the University, my soon to be home.
But how can I feel at home if everything is just a stranger to me, and I can't reach what was never discussed?
I want to switch majors.
Money is no object, but if you're trying to get a new major, or simply switching, it's a long road. My failures were at Chemistry, Physics, and wholeheartedly, Calculus. All these classes were needed for my field. It didn't feel that way, however, due to the fact that my major was barely mentioned. Not a word. Will it all be the same? Or is it all different and I'm just worrying over nothing? Will the engineering of others apply to me, and I have to follow in their footsteps the way I never intended to? Was I lied to? I don't even have the comfort to take even one class I wanted and loved--Japanese, because I took the "they'll help me out with this" risk and lost. I'll have to wait for that and suffer in what I'm in now.
I don't feel welcome, I feel trapped!
I have myriads of opportunities ahead of me, but that doesn't mean they'll be available when I want to. Not saying I'm lazy, but when I want to do something or find something out, it's either too late, or no help at all. I'm not saying that I don't want to work for my major, but I want to be able to have some guide or sense of ease that 1. my brain will handle it and 2. that my life is heading in a secure and safe direction.
There is no telling now. I have to wait like I've been doing until it all happens. It's the way it shouldn't be, but I've no other option. This is my life now, and in honest words, I see the future and it's caving in.