Absurd Clip Art!

Tiny Edible Demons: bet you can’t eat just one!

Silly Guy from Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”!  Why did you think you could drive a car?  You’re much too high-strung for that.  You should take public transit, Guy from Edvard Munch’s “The Scream”.

Remember, children: always keep your drapes closed when you’re changing clothes ... because Tabitha the Pube Plucker could be watching.

Everyone talks about the sleigh ride, the cookies, the happy children.  No one talks about the less glamorous parts of the job.

“In the event of an emergency, gather where the owls glare and await judgement.”

It wasn’t the kiss from Judas, and knowing it had sealed his fate, that bothered Christ.  It was the little tongue action at the end.

Hey kids!  Do you like science?  Well, here’s an experiment.  1.  Poke a pencil through a chocolate chip cookie.  2.  Spin the cookie.  3.  What did you learn?  Who cares—eat the damn cookie, stupid!

As the evil Lucius von Ungezogen’s severed head re-entered the atmosphere and caught fire, the last lingering thought to echo through his dying brain was, “perhaps I should have made the failsafe and detonate buttons on the Volcano Exploder DIFFERENT COLORS...”

Hyperhidrosis Pals was a short-lived but critically acclaimed children’s show that put a happy, multiethnic face on the condition of excessive sweating.

The logical progression of the Man Bun / Hipster Beard combo

The ability to squirt urine from her tear ducts wasn’t the greatest super power, but Vanessa thought she’d give the whole “fight crime” thing a go before enrolling in community college.

“And now, you’ll feel a momentary surge of blinding agony, during which you will beg fruitlessly for the sweet release of death.  Open wide, please...”

Sing!  Faster!  Louder, you shits, JESUS CAN’T HEAR YOU

“Number Three burned my throat a little less than Number Two ... but I still have the ammonia smell of Number One in my nose.  If we agree to taste the last one, will you agree to untie our arms and legs and let us go?”

Too embarrassed to get up and leave, Melvin waited patiently for the moon bats to return with his pants.

“Yes, I’d like to my a gynecological appointment for next Thursday SPIDER! AHHHH!!! (WHACK!) Sorry, are you still there?  Two o’clock?  That’s good, thank you.”

“Thank you for calling the Human Orifice Pest Hotline.  For rectal termite colonization, press ‘1′.  For ocular centipede and millipede outbreaks, press ‘2′.  For nasal spider infestations, please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order we received it...”