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My fake son learned the alphabet today. I’m so proud of him, in theory.

happy decade to the horrible beast i have wrought

If I had a Boyfriend I Would Make Him Sleep in a Cage

you gotta make sure the clown feels included.

and once i learn how to hold a conversation some of you girls MIGHT be hearing from me!!!

forehead tattoo that says "the consequences of not checking your email are always bigger than the consequences of checking your email"

There’s a cool trick you can do where you pour a shot and then add an expired antidepressant to it and it gets you super fucked up so you can save money when you go out for the night. In other news I just discovered that if you ask any man at a goth rave if you can bite him he will say yes. He thinks he’s getting laid but you can just bite him super hard and walk away. Life is full of beautiful moments

if you call your girlfriend a bitch you gotta die I don’t make the rules

Where are my royalties, Vsauce???