Really missing the person who I thought was gonna be my partner in crime for the rest of my life tonight. Don't know why. I hate it actually. Maybe its because one month ago, I laid in the same exact spot I am right now and sobbed to the same point on the wall that I'm looking at right now, doing the same thing. I still feel so much in the same spot as I was then. I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I still don't know who I can trust. I still feel betrayed by several of my friends who haven't helped me whatsoever, who have basically told me to get over it and haven't been here since. This month I've never felt more alone in my life; I've never wanted to rot in my bed, alone, so badly. I'm trying so hard to be positive about this. I'm telling myself that giving up the most important thing is what you do for someone you love, but that means that I had to give him up for him, and that's so god damned hard, especially when I simply can't believe what he said. I can't believe that the things he said to me he actually meant or believed himself. Thinking about the way he said he still loved me as he closed the door to my apartment makes me want to vomit, like so many other things that were said. Absolutely fucking breaks my heart. And yet, still I can't help but wonder how he'a doing. Worry sick. I hope he's okay. I hope he's dealing with all the other changes in his life okay. I hope there's someone in his life that lets him know how much talent he has. How special he is even though he feels he isn't. I hope he doesn't feel like the world doesn't want him, like he was the accident his siblings always told him, jokingly of course, he was. I can't help but wonder if he opened the box full of memories I thrust at him before he left. I can't help but wonder if he found any of the notes I'd written and hidden over the years, in picture frames, in books, in folders and on notebooks. I can't help but hope he'll feel what I'm feel right now in this moment that I'm feeling, this hollowness in my chest because I realize now that yes, I can live without him, but only at the price of being either miserable or numb. I guess at some point this might change, but I guess now, even a month out, I'll just continue pretending I'm okay. Pretending things are changing and that I'm stoked to go back to my earn my Master's in a campus where I once felt so safe, but now fear that I'll see him and crumble out in the open instead of here in the solidarity of my apartment.
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