I'm hurt and I just want to talk about it.

It’s been over.

I was free. I was actually finally free from his clutches... and then i let him Happy Birthday himself right back into my life. I missed it and I believed all the lies, AGAIN. But that’s just the point! Everything he was saying were lies. I think the only thing that’s true is that he does love me, he can’t let me go, I live in his mind rent free.... and he does for me as well, but I was finally over him. No way was I ready to fully move on and he ropes me back in with promises of forever and commitment. The commitment was a LIE LMAOOOO. Men just hurt your feelings honestly. At this point, am I the problem? I can’t seem to just let things be what they are. He won’t commit to me... he never has... and honestly I don’t think he ever will. He’s not ready to give up this life, so why can’t he just give me up? Why am I back here? Why am I not good enough? “You’re the only girl i’ve ever loved.” Well that was I lie. You don’t love me. Not the way that I want you to. Yet somehow we’re tethered... so if you don’t love me... I can’t find a way to love myself. Two men in my life and neither love me the way I want them to... the way I NEED them to. Maybe I am better off alone.

Please don’t have somebody waiting on you.

So maybe I’m the narcissist. LMAO. Oh well.

Just choose her. What is even the point of trying to maintain us both? I’m always berated for expressing how I feel. He’s done nothing but make me feel bad about sharing how I feel. It’s okay when it’s not about him, but when it is somehow I’m always so fucking wrong. Fuck you. fuck you and your stupid new bitch. fuck u and your stupid hoe life. Fuck you for lying and dragging me along about how you want to be with me. IM NOT WHO YOU WANT! What’s even the point of lying? How can you go so far as to say you want to have kids with me? KIDS ARE A LIFETIME COMMITMENT. IF YOU CAN’T EVEN COMMIT TO ME, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA COMMIT TO CHILDREN!? Stop telling me what you think I wanna hear. Stop lying to me. You delete your messages, you put me second, you’re always mad at me. I wish we never even met. How was I so okay before i knew you!? Now all I think about is you. This is so stupid. LMAOO Now im actually laughing about it. Fuck you dude.

And here we are. Today, January 18th is his birthday. For weeks I’ve been dreading this day and I’m not even sure why. I still love him. Here I am admitting it even though I’ve known it this whole time. I miss the way he called me baby. I miss him asking for random pictures of myself because he just wanted to see my face. He didn’t care if I thought I looked like death, I was still his pretty girl. I have so much guilt over something I can’t control. I’m usually okay when I think about him, but the closer it got to midnight, the more anxious I got. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It’s been nearly two months and how strongly I feel about him still has a hold over me. Yet, something weird happened when the clock struck midnight. I uttered the words ”Happy Birthday baby, I still love you.” Almost instantly I felt a sense of relief. I’m going to text him happy birthday even if he is over me. What scares me the most is rejection and the thought that by now he has a new girl. He’s attractive, he’s tall, and he has a great package lmao. When will it stop hurting so much? Day 55...

I know that I’m young, but I have encountered a good amount of men before this one, but I’ve never been as vulnerable as I was with him. He made me feel safe. He made me feel loved. He made me feel sexy. As cliche as I always thought those things were, it’s exactly what I wanted. Not to be even cornier with a quote from TVD, but I wanted a love that consumed me, and that’s exactly what this love I had with him did and continues to do. It C O N S U M E S me. I honestly thought I could be with this man for the rest of my life. I completely saw myself laying down to have this man’s children. He was amazing. He was sweet. He was fucking spectacular. I told him things about myself that I feel like I can’t even tell my friends. He knows my fears, and not those cheesy fears like drowning or flying roaches. He knows my real fears, the ones that keep me up at night. The fears that stop me from letting my guard down because I feel like it won’t matter in the future. I’m a mental ticking time bomb waiting to explode and because I trusted him so much I just handed him the detonator.  

Even when we witness public breakups, we still don’t get to see them for what they truly are. Why is that? Why does no one talk about how you feel as if you’re going to die because you’ve broken up with your significant other? Why does no one tell you how it’s going to feel like you lost a very important piece of yourself? Why did no one tell me that I’d cry for a bit and then feel okay, but something as simple as his upcoming birthday would send me spiraling again? I pretend that I’m fine but I’m not. All I’m trying to do is distract myself...

I’ve had Tumblr before, but now I’m back because I have so many thoughts and I don’t know what to do with them. Even if this is just for myself, that’s okay. Sometimes you just need room to breathe. But I’m putting this out there for everyone to see. Since my breakup with my boyfriend, it’s my brain against the world.