I’ve made a few gainer friends over the past few years, and I’ve gotten especially close to one in particular. He’s further along than me — well over 350 pounds — but he started at a similar weight and we’ve had a lot of similar feelings about our gaining journeys.
I told him that even though I love the feeling of having a belly, sometimes I get in my head about how I look. Clothes don’t really fit right anymore and I feel like my only options are big and baggy (which I hate) or more fitted (which shows off my body too much). He said he used to feel the same way and it’s totally normal to love the gains and still feel conflicted about some of the effects — and that clothes shopping just gets harder and harder.
“The trick is to think to yourself, ‘that shirt must have shrunk in the washer.’ Any time you’re feeling self-conscious, just shift the blame for a moment and you’ll forget all about it. It’ll help you to get past any of those negative feelings and you’ll find yourself refocused on feeling good in your growing body.”
It made sense. I have a lot of clothes that don’t fit anymore and the number kept growing. So I took his advice to heart and told myself “wow I really need to be more careful doing my laundry, another shirt shrunk in the washer.” It’s a kind of self-delusion that you’re aware of and know isn’t true, but it really does help in the moment, kind of like putting on a character. I did this for months, just shuffling the thoughts back into my head and blaming my laundry skills for any fit issues. My gainer friend checked in with me frequently and reinforced that obvious lie (“you know, I hear washing things on cold is supposed to help”). And the entire time, I enjoyed my growing belly more and more.
This past weekend I wore a shirt to the bar with my friend that I knew was a little tight, but it still looked pretty good and I didn’t think about it too much. I didn’t even lie to myself about the wash, I just put it on and rushed out the door. When I got to the bar, my friend was with 5 buddies that I’d met once or twice but didn’t know well. I struggled to place some of them, but I knew a few of them were at my friend’s barbecue last August and figured they were all there.
My friend greeted me with a big hug and we all made small talk for a few minutes before I excused myself to order a drink. When I came back with a gin and tonic in hand, my friend teased me about looking a little thicker than usual. “Skip the gym this week? I think you jiggled a little on your walk back here.” My friend is a good-natured joker and I know from his previous relationships that he doesn’t mind a bigger man, so I laughed it off with a quick excuse that I hadn’t said to anyone but myself. I just didn’t think twice about it. Until I heard everyone’s reaction to what I said.
“Oh yeah, I’m just so bad at laundry I think I shrunk my shirt a little.”
All 6 of them erupted in laughter. It came so automatically and without any hint of malice that I instantly knew I’d said something so ridiculous that they assumed I was joking. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment and I tried to move the conversation along, but they clearly took my apparent joke as a license to openly discuss my weight.
“If you gain any more weight you’ll probably need a whole new wardrobe. That sounds so expensive!”
“I think it looks great, but I do think you would look even better with another 5 or 10 pounds.”
“I’m just glad you aren’t self-conscious about it or anything, I was dying to say something.”
“Of course he isn’t self-conscious! It looks good on him and he’s clearly trying to show off a little with that shirt.”
“Hey should we order some mozzarella sticks? One for you and one for the table?”
“Oh yeah! Mozzarella sticks and definitely some fries. I bet you would eat a lot of the fries, right?”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I could see in their eyes and hear in their voices that they weren’t being hurtful, but I was still shocked one throwaway comment from me opened the floodgates to talk about my belly that openly. All of the attention felt overwhelming but exciting, but when I eventually sat down and my bulging gut looked even more obvious they doubled down.
“Whoa ok it’s a lot more noticeable now. We are definitely going to the bear bar tonight.”
“Oh they’re going to love you at the bear bar! I’ll hold on to your shirt for you if you want to show off your tits!”
And it kept going like that all night. We talked about other things, like the new guy my friend was dating and our other friend’s recent breakup, but somehow one of them always brought it back to my obvious weight gain. We hopped from bar to bar and they even suggested grabbing some pizza and cookies “in case you’re hungry.”
I called my gainer friend the next day and told him all about what happened and how it all started with his laundry line. He laughed and told me it wasn’t meant to be a line to anyone else — of course people laughed because they can see the transformation with their own eyes. “Still, it’s good that you broke the ice. That lie served its purpose but now you need to know that everyone can tell, nobody thinks it’s accidental, and everyone wants you to keep going. Some guys are attracted to it, some guys like it so they can tease you, some guys like it because you aren’t competition anymore for any guys not into fat fucks. It’s out there now, and you know they’ve all talked about it before last night. So let’s get you some donuts so all those men can get what they want.”
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