I feel like a burden, and a nuisance. I don’t feel as though I have anyone’s approval. I feel so genuinely useless to my friends and family. And I can’t help but think how the lack of my life could benefit those around me. Sure, they would grieve, they would hurt, but after all of that, what next? They recover, and the burden eases, there wouldn’t be someone who can’t fulfill their expectations and be so needy. I wouldn’t be such a clueless and stupid kid, as terrible brother and a terrible son. A terrible friend and a terrible uncle. I am a stressful human being and I create internal feelings of disappointment in others when I don’t do what they believe to be best for me and I sincerely cannot take it anymore.
Being alive is so weird. All these technicalities and small specifications in connection are so distressing and I can’t understand them. I cannot understand people experiencing disappointment when I do not follow through what they deem best for me, and as much as I understand people do care, I cannot understand having an ounce of care for me specifically. I fail to understand why others are bothered, when what I do does not affect them, and it makes me really sad to see that I can just never understand or fulfill connections properly. I feel like such a let down these days.
I cannot help but feel vile, and sickly. I feel like the sick one in a horror movie everyone else has to kill to move forward. The one who needs to get buried 6 feet below the earth before the story can progress. Before anyone feels relief and freedom from a weight they have had to carry for years. I simply feel like nothing, and I’m not sure how else to describe this feeling. And at the end of the day, maybe nothing is all I am, and sometimes I feel as though that’s simply something I have to accept and come to terms with.
I loathe that I cannot be self sufficient and independent. At least, not for a little while, as I have spent so long re-learning the fundamentals of living and connection from square one. Relearning steps I should have already known years ago. But instead, I took several steps back instead of forward, and it’s also upsetting that people can’t seem to understand that, can’t seem to understand that I do not comprehend these things and understand that I need time to reconstruct my entire identity and mentality from the ground up, and even redo the frame work off of very little, and this has been an ongoing thing for years.
I don’t expect anyone to fully understand. But I am ostracized from many groups and people because I am deemed incorrect or bizarre, a byproduct of being unable to properly grasp the concept of basic fundamentals and connection as quickly as others. I feel an extreme amount of shame and embarrassment admitting something that seems so simplistic to other people. And to those people who experience ease within these experiences, I truly do envy you more than anything else in the world. I don’t think I could ever experience envy on such a level towards anything else.
I have to remake my identity and who I am. Because there was never me, it was simply a shell of something from before that I lived in for so long because I was uncertain what else to do with myself. And, I was completely drained, and I had nothing left for myself. And I don’t think I could go through an experience more painful, gut wrenching, and truly feels as though I am going through extreme torture each and every day of my life. It is infuriating. It has reached a point that I have grown frustrated with the concept that people care. But I cherish it just as much, it will always be dear to me when people give me their time.
It feels like I have been cursed. I understand others so well, and I can understand the concepts they present to me when they are experiencing a problem, better than I can understand the mental space that I live in every single day. Which is essentially that of.. various complexities that I cannot address on my own.
To me, my existence doesn’t mean anything. I don’t carry anything of worth. I don’t have an identity. I couldn’t tell you the things I am passionate about, I couldn’t tell you 3 things I like or dislike, I couldn’t tell you the more complex parts of my feelings and ideals, I couldn’t tell you anything about me that would be worthwhile. It just feels as though I’m some defective human product.
