beatrice

I remembered to check my tumblr after months of being inactive, scrolled a few, then thought of revisiting who I used to be 10 years ago.

I read through all of it. From when I was 16, 18, 19. Everything. Some made me laugh, most made me miss old days, some posts literally made me go ‘???’ to myself. I guess I’m still that sentimental person, still the most expressive, still has a lot to say me. I thank my old self for having the guts to post on a website full of strangers everything, and I mean EVERYTHING that went through my head at the time. Because now looking back, I love seeing how I grew, how my perspective changed and how my fears and anxieties grew alongside it too.

When I was 16, I felt my first real heartbreak, and even though I didn’t post lengthy about it because people I knew in real life were stalking me, as I read the few remarks I posted, I can still remember how I was deeply hurt at the time. Now it’s a permanent scar.

When I was 18, it was the beginning of immersing myself to people whom I genuinely enjoyed presence, figured out a few likes and dislikes, developed traits I used to have as a “defense mechanism” whenever emotions and feelings present themselves as is, stuff I now have to unlearn over and over and over again.

When I was 19, there was a lot of unspoken loneliness. From family, friends, someone. Most were kept hidden in drafts. I’ve never felt more defined by my own fear of abandonment, I thought. It was the hardest year I’ve gone through then. The most I’ve cried. A year I wouldn’t even dare to look back.

I was always a little bit sad and lonely.