Alayna

“You’re doing so well. Just breathe and ignore them.” His voice and scent calmed and eased your nerves. “I know you are scared about what’s going to happen next. You don’t have to be. They will never hurt you again. You’re safe with me. Always.”

You desperately wanted to believe the alpha. He had no reason to lie to you or trick you. Maybe, just maybe, he was honest about his intentions. Or maybe he was another bootlicker trying to get in your sister’s good graces. It wouldn’t be the first time you trusted the wrong person.

“I don’t…know.” You murmured, your eyes still glued to the floor. “No one ever protected me. They all do everything to please my sister. If you want to do the same, you should know she’s only ever going to mate with the most powerful leader of a pack.”

Bucky stopped walking. He dropped your hand to step in front of you and cup your cheek. His hand was warm on your skin when he said, “I came to you to make you my omega. I don’t even know your sister’s name.”

The alpha watched your face with concern. He could see the pain and hurt in your eyes. “Her name is Y/S/N. You should reconsider your decision. I told you, I’m no one.”

“You’re a hard nut to crack.” Bucky flashed you a cocky smirk. “I like me a feisty omega putting me in my place.” He took your hand again to lift it to his lips. "I don’t want to know her name. The only name I want to remember for the rest of my life is yours.“

Your cheeks heated up, and you couldn’t stop your heart from doing somersaults. This alpha was so unlike the ones you met before. They were all loud, rough, and aggressive. Most of them ordered you around and treated you like trash.

“She always gets what she wants,” you suddenly said. “My sister wanted your attention, and she will get it. No one has ever been interested in me for long. She always found a way to win them over.”

“Omega,” Bucky used his alpha voice this time. A softer version to get your attention, not to make you compliant. “Do not mistake me with these alphas. If you can even call them that.”

Your whole body went stiff when he leaned closer to nuzzle your neck and inhale your scent deeply. “I’m your mate, the alpha of the largest pack. I will not bring shame over my mate, myself, or my pack by playing stupid games.”

Your sister was stomping her foot when Bucky smiled at you. She angrily scoffed and tugged at your mother’s wrist. “She can’t steal him! He was supposed to choose me. I bet she poured something in his drink or used one of her tricks!”

While you were absorbed in Bucky’s presence and his scent, your sister and mother tried to figure out a way to destroy the bond forming between you and the alpha.

He was about to guide you toward his family and friends when they stormed toward you. Your sister’s shrill voice ruined the sweet moment, and you immediately shrank into yourself.

“What’s wrong?” Another alpha asked, stepping toward you and Bucky. “Buck, why is that girl screaming your way?”

“Steve, perfect timing." Bucky sounded annoyed when he looked at the alpha. “I need some people to be removed from this event.”

“YOU!” Your sister was about to throw yet another tantrum. She spat venomous words your way when Steve blocked her path. But for the first time, you didn’t take her behavior to heart. “She ruined everything. Get her out of here! She’s nothing but a cockroach eating my leftovers.”

“That's her?” Steve cocked his head to look at Bucky. “Do you want me to give them the special treatment?”

Bucky glanced at Steve, silently telling his best friend and ally to get rid of your sister and mother. He then turned back to you, his hand gently running over your head. “We don’t want to cause a scene. I found my mate. It’s a reason to celebrate, not for drastic measures.”

“I’ll be sure they understand their place.” Steve closed the distance between him and your family with three long strides. “Ladies.” His commanding voice made your mother stop in her tracks. She stiffened and looked, for the first time in her life, frightened. “My friend, the host of this year’s event, wants you to stay in the shadows where you belong. If not, I’ll gladly show you the door.”

You watched as your sister’s face twisted in anger. She was furious but didn’t dare disobey a tall and powerful alpha like Steve.

Bucky ignored your sister and mother. The alpha guided you toward his family, murmuring soft, encouraging words. “My mother and sister will love you. They have been rooting for me to find my mate for years.”

Your eyes were darting around the room as Bucky guided you toward two women. The younger one waved at you and Bucky while the elder one offered a soft smile, crinkling her eyes.

“Mom, Rebecca,” Bucky said when you reached them, “this is Y/N, my mate. I finally found her.”

His mother choked out a sob before you found yourself wrapped in a warm embrace.

“Dear,” you were too stunned to react. “We are so glad my son finally found you. I knew he must’ve scented his mate because he ignored the food and everything else.”

“Mother,” Bucky hissed. “I’m a big alpha and have an appetite.”

You hesitated, unsure if you deserved this genuine, warm welcome. His sister took your hand, while his mother told you everything about her son with only a few lines.

“Mrs…” You wrinkled your forehead. Bucky only told you his first name, not his surname. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how to call you.”

Bucky’s mother’s smile widened. She hugged you again, soothingly running one hand over your back. “You can call me Mom from now on. We are going to be family soon.”

Rebecca immediately piped in. "You can call me Becca; all my friends do. Or, if you are comfortable with it, you can just call me sister.”

Behind you, your sister’s voice grew louder. She began to argue with Steve, but the alpha wouldn’t have it.

“I gave you a choice,” he said. "You chose to embarrass yourself.”

Steve motioned for security to escort your family out. The crowd parted, exposing your sister and mother to everyone. You could hear some of the guests chuckle, and some openly laughed. And others clapped their hands.

You didn’t look at them, only at Bucky’s family. They softly spoke to you, offering food and a seat at their table. Bucky's hand moved to the small of your back, encouraging you to join his mother and sister.

“I’ll be right back. No one is going to make you feel like a nobody ever again,” he said. “Give me five minutes to handle things and calm the guests.”

Rebecca simply took your hand to guide you toward the seat next to Bucky’s. A butler pulled the chair for you, bowing like you were someone important.

“Y/N, what do you like to eat?” Bucky’s mother asked, with that warm smile on her lips. “You can have whatever your heart desires.”

“I…” Your voice cracked. No one asked you what you like before. “I don’t know.”

“Well, then let’s find out what you like,” Rebecca cheerfully said. “My brother will be right back, Y/N. Don’t worry. If Bucky likes someone, he fights for them like a lion…”

Every year, the most anticipated holiday arrives.

Christmas songs fill the air, the tree goes up, and presents are being wrapped.

Christmas had always been your favorite holiday. You looked forward to all the festivities; the chance to decorate the house with warm lights, bake cookies, play in the snow, and then cuddle up to watch a movie.

Everyone always seemed happier and jollier this time of year.

Everyone, that is, except for Bucky.

Bucky was like the Grinch of Christmas.

It was as if the light would dim in his eyes every time he saw decorations laid out or the first few flakes of snow. While you were online gift shopping, he would be in the other room, telling you that “we should save our money for other things right now, not expensive gifts.”

When you asked him to play in the snow with you, he would curtly reply with, “I don’t want frostbite.”

When you set up the Christmas tree and asked for help, he would stubbornly stand by the door, claiming, “I don’t want to mess anything up,” or “I don’t want to get in your way,” or simply, “I’d only ruin it.”

In most years, you would let him be and carried on by yourself. But this year, you wanted things to be different. You wanted him to take part in your festivities, to allow himself to be happy with you, to understand what it was like to spend the holidays with someone who loves him.

But so far, he hadn’t made a single effort.

“Hey,” you called out for Bucky, who was walking behind the couch. “Do you think you can help me grab the Christmas decorations?” Your eyes peered up over the back of the seat, flashing him a smile you knew he could never deny.

Bucky looked indifferent. “Where are they?”

“In the basement. They’re inside the bins that are tucked in the far back corner. It says ‘X-MAS’ written in big, bold Sharpie. You won’t miss it,” you explained.

He nodded and set his coffee cup down on a side table. As he opened the basement door, you called out again before he could disappear; “Oh! There are multiple boxes. Maybe five or six. Make sure to grab them all for me!”

After a faint, heavy, and tired exhale, Bucky went to retrieve the bins without another word. Heavy footsteps thudded repeatedly up and down the stairs, each bin being dropped in the middle of the living room with a heavy thud that made the coffee table shake slightly, and his building frustration only more evident.

A few minutes later, he begrudgingly retrieved all six boxes.

“There,” he said gruffly. “That everything?”

You smiled, trying not to push. “Yeah. Thank you.”

He straightened, wiping his hands on his jeans. His gaze flicked briefly to the boxes, indifferent and uninterested, before looking back at you.

“Call me if you need anything else,” he muttered, already reaching for his cup and turning to the hallway.

“Bucky?” you called out softly before he could go.

He paused, looking over his shoulder. “Yeah?”

“You could... stay? Help me unpack a little if you have nothing else to do?”

And you knew he had nothing else to do.

An exasperated sigh left his lips, and you already knew where this was going, but that didn’t mean you were going to stop trying.

“I don’t even know where to begin,” he said, strained. “You’ve already got a system for this kind of stuff. I don’t wanna mess it up.”

And there it was.

You shook your head quickly, already kneeling beside one of the boxes, silently trying to invite him in. “There are no rules. You just take things out of the box, and we’ll figure the rest out together.”

He pressed his lips into a thin line, unconvinced.

You grinned anyway, feeling determined as you lifted the lid off the bin. Christmas-colored tissue paper spilled over the edge, followed by a tangled string of lights. “Just grab the first thing you see, and we’ll start from there.”

He reached into the box, hesitating as his fingers caught on the tangled string of lights. He lifted them out carefully.

“Lights,” he muttered. Then he looked at you. “More electric bills.”

You tried to ignore him, laughing it off. “Try setting them up somewhere, Buck.”

You watched as he stood up with a tired groan, glancing around the room as if searching for the quickest place to be done with them. Eventually, he approached the bookshelf, draping the strand along the top of it, uneven and loose, letting one end dangle down the side.

He didn’t even bother plugging the lights in.

“There,” he said, taking a step back to admire his half-assed work.

Your smile dropped a little, but you reminded yourself that this was him helping—that this was more than he usually did. Even so, you couldn’t stand here and be ecstatic as you looked at the lights. It was crooked, careless, and set up like an afterthought. You wished he had taken a second longer, or at least tried asking where they should go.

You glanced at him, hoping he would rethink his effort, but he was already rubbing the back of his neck, his gaze fixed anywhere but you.

“Are you sure you still want me to help?” he asked, but it wasn’t because he needed reassurance.

It was the classic Bucky way of trying to get out of it.

“It’s okay,” you said, forcing a smile. “We can keep going.” You reached back into the box and pulled out a strand of garland, holding one end out to him. “Can you hang this up? Maybe along the stair railing?”

“Yeah. Sure.”

Your smile brightened just slightly, handing him the garland. “Let me grab some tape.” You walked over to the cabinet, grabbed the roll of scotch tape, tore off a piece, and handed it to him.

Bucky took a few steps up the stairs and lazily taped the garland in place. It drooped in the middle, uneven and already half-sliding down.

“I don’t think we have enough,” he frowned at it. “It’s drooping weird.”

“We do have enough,” you mumbled quietly. “You just weren’t spreading them out right…”

You two continued on anyway. He plucked some random festive decoration from the box and set it on the coffee table without even looking at what it was. One of your matching stockings ended up tossed over the arm of the couch, and he laid the tree skirt in the middle of the living room as if it were a rug.

Each attempt felt rushed, as if he were checking items off a chore list instead of having fun with his partner.

Still, you thanked him every time. You tried to laugh when he muttered under his breath, trying to make it lighthearted. You pretended not to notice when he checked the clock or when he stood off to the side, arms crossed.

Eventually, you moved on to your favorite part of decorating.

“The tree,” you announced happily, unboxing the biggest, final box.

Together, you hauled the pieces out and assembled it in the corner of the living room. He held the base steady while you slotted the branches into place. When you stepped back, the bare tree stood between you—plain and waiting to be decorated with all the colorful ornaments and warm lights.

You reached into another box and pulled out the first ornament, smiling fondly despite everything.

“This one’s my favorite,” you said, holding it up. “My mom gave it to me years ago. She used to put it right at the front.”

You hung it carefully on a branch, adjusting it so it sat like how you remembered.

Then you lifted another one, giggling at it. “I made this one when I was in like, kindergarten,” you chuckled, raising it so he could see how ridiculous and wonky it looked. “It looks silly, but I’ve kept it all these years. I can’t get rid it of now… it’s special, you know?”

Soon, you were talking without realizing it—about where each ornament came from, who gave it to you, which ones always went near the top, and which stayed low. The entire time, Bucky lingered nearby, holding a handful of hooks. He passed them to you one by one, quiet and hardly present.

“Buck,” you smiled softly at him, grabbing another hook and inserting it into an ornament. “I know this kind of stuff isn’t your favorite, but it means a lot to me to have you here.”

Bucky’s eyes stayed down at the hooks, and he felt stiff.

“It’s just…” you continued, oblivious. “I kept thinking how fun it would be to do all of this together. Go gift shopping, maybe grab hot chocolate after. We could also make snowmen and stuff. Or have people over for the holidays—my family and our friends, just a small dinner—”

“No,” he cut you off flatly.

You paused, still holding the ornament between your fingers. “No?”

“I don’t want all that,” he replied, sharper now. “Crowds, shopping, people in the house. It’s—” he shook his head just thinking about it. “It’s too much.”

Your smile wavered. You understood Bucky not being big on shopping and crowds, but at least he was here. You didn’t want to push your luck too much, especially while you still had him.

“It doesn’t have to be all at once. We could just—”

“I said no,” he interrupted, exasperated. “I’m sorry. It just—it… doesn’t sound fun to me, doll.”

The words hurt you more than he seemed to realize.

This entire time, you had been forcing a smile because, finally, your boyfriend was participating in something festive. You tried to convince yourself that he was trying for you, but in matter of fact, he hadn’t been trying at all.

The half-assed decorations, the constant mumbling and sighing—it was all just a chore to him.

“You doing festive activities with me isn’t fun for you?” you asked, broken.

“That’s not what I meant,” he said, already rubbing his temple. “I just don’t get why you need all this. Decorations, dinners, shopping—it’s... it’s all unnecessary.”

“Are you serious, Bucky?” you looked down at the ornament, your voice shaky.

He frowned. “What?”

“You really don’t see it, do you?” you said, lifting your head up slowly with a frown. “This isn’t about the decorations, or the shopping, or any of that.”

“Then what is it?” he pressed, genuinely confused.

“It’s about wanting to share something I love with the person I love!” you snapped, your voice breaking. You raised the ornament, practically shoving it in his face.

“It’s about wanting you to be here with me instead of acting like everything that makes me happy is an inconvenience.”

Bucky’s brows furrowed, and he set the hooks down on the side table. He opened his mouth to respond, his hands lifting slightly as if he were trying to calm the situation.

“I’m just saying—”

“No,” you cut in, trying to hold back from crying, though it was already too late as a stray started to spill down your cheeks. “You’ve said enough and you’ve done enough.”

You turned away from him, pressing the ornament back onto a branch roughly, making the tree shake slightly. Your hands trembled as you spoke again, the words fumbling out in one incoherent, stuttering mess, just trying to lay the frustration out on the table.

“For years, Bucky, I-I’ve let you do your own thing for Christmas,” you said. “I never pushed, and I never complained. I let you disappear into your room or sit it out while I decorated the entire house by myself.”

His body stiffened, and guilt flickered on his face.

“But this year,” you continued, your voice cracking, “I just... really wanted you to be happy with me. I wanted us to get into the holiday spirit together—and you can’t even get through decorating a tree without acting like it’s torture!”

“Sweetheart, I—”

“You’re not even trying,” you snapped. “You’re just dragging your feet so you can say you did something, and I keep trying to remind myself that what you’re doing is enough because I don’t want to ask for more than what you want to give me!”

Bucky had nothing to say.

You just stood there, shoulders shaking from trying to keep yourself together as you stared down at the ornament box. The colors, once vibrant and warm, were all blurred together as tears dripped down from your eyes and onto the wooden floor.

You felt him take a step closer to you, resting a hand on your shoulder. He opened his mouth to say something—though you didn’t want to hear any of it.

You moved away, your feet moving before you could think as you grabbed your coat off the rack and slipped your boots on.

“Wait—” Bucky reached out, trailing after you. “Hold on—wait, where are you going?”

“I can’t—I can’t be here with you right now, Bucky,” you snapped, facing him with hurt written all over your eyes. “Just give me some space, okay? Can you at least give me that?”

Bucky stopped in his tracks, his hand slowly falling to his side. He didn’t know what to do, nor what to say. He watched you stand there, visibly hurt, shoulders shaking, and barely holding yourself together—and for the first time, it clicked that this wasn’t just about Christmas. It was about him. It was about how every time something mattered to you around the holidays, he treated it like a threat instead of an invitation.

He wanted to say something… an apology, an explanation, or a promise just to get you to stay. But every word he thought of sounded wrong.

“I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I’m trying.”

“You know this stuff is hard for me.”

“Okay,” he said instead, quietly and regretfully, as his voice was barely above a whisper. “Take all the space you need. I’ll be here.”

And of all the things he could have said, those exact words were the ones you didn’t want to hear. You wanted him to pull you back in despite your words, to pick the ornaments back up and finish decorating the tree with you, smiling as Christmas music played in the background.

But he didn’t.

So, without another word, you opened the door and left.

You thought going out would help.

You tried wandering through crowded stores, letting the noise and lights distract you from yelling at Bucky. You bought things you didn’t need, things you had planned to pick out together, just to give your hands something to do and your mind a place to settle.

But none of it helped.

If anything, it made it worse.

Every decorated storefront, every couple laughing over hot chocolate, only reminded you of him.

When you finally unlocked the door and stepped inside, you froze.

The house was completely different.

Soft Christmas music drifted through the living room, your favorite songs that you had blasted every time you decorated by yourself. The string lights were on, actually plugged in and on, and strung neatly along the bookshelf. The garland was taped properly along the staircase railing, and the matching stockings were hung perfectly side by side on the mantelpieces by the fireplace.

Everything looked beautiful.

It looked and felt like Christmas.

Then your eyes landed on the tree. It stood in the corner, just as you had left it with the few ornaments that you had hung up yourself. Bucky stood next to it, poking his head from around the corner.

His face lit up slightly at the sight of you, and he physically stopped himself from reaching for you—just in case you still wanted your space.

“You’re home,” he breathed, giving you a shy and hesitant smile. His eyes trailed down, noticing the shopping bags in your hands. “Did... did you have fun?”

You gently set the bags down, removing your coat and boots as you stepped in, warily.

“Bucky...” you looked around. “You did this?”

He looked around apprehensively.

“Uh—yeah,” he rubbed the back of his neck. “After you left, I kind of just stood here by myself and figured I’d give this decorating thing a try.” He waved his hand around as he explained. “It took a lot of trial and error, but I tried to remember how you did it, and I did my best to replicate it. I’m sorry if it’s not good.”

You stepped closer, your teeth caught your bottom lip as you took in the living room.

“Bucky, I...”

“Come here,” he said, nodding to the tree. “I didn’t touch the tree because I knew it was your favorite part, and I didn’t want to take it away from you.” He bent down, pulling an ornament out of the box and holding it up to you.

He forced a smile, though you could see the slight wobble in his lips—how anxious he looked. “Maybe we can try decorating it together? If you’ll still have me?”

You hesitated before reaching out and taking the ornament from his hand.

“Yeah,” you said softly, a small smile finally breaking through. “I’d like that.”

You turned towards the tree and carefully hooked the ornament onto a branch near the front. Bucky followed your lead, choosing one from the box and hanging it a little lower, glancing at you as if checking whether he had done it right. When you nodded to show your approval, his shoulders eased just slightly.

The only sounds that filled the comfy living room were the soft songs of the holiday music, the brush of ornaments touching branches, and the gentle creak of the wooden floor as you moved around the tree together.

Then Bucky cleared his throat.

“I’m... not great with the holidays,” he mumbled, just barely speaking over the music. “Never really have been.”

You paused, listening.

“I grew up in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn,” he continued, placing another ornament on a branch. “Back in the forties. We didn’t have much. No big trees or piles of gifts. My family, when they were alive, we tried to make do with what we had. Thin socks, or secondhand books with a bunch of stains or torn pages.”

He hung up another ornament, his voice going even quieter as he recalled his memories. “There weren’t fancy dinners either, just whatever we could manage. And the snow...” his jaw tightened. “Snow didn’t mean magic... or winter wonderlands, whatever the people called it. It meant cold apartments, frozen pipes, and worrying about whether the heat would last the night—or if we had enough blankets.”

You frowned, gently dropping the ornament in the box as you rested a hand on his arm. “Bucky...”

He flashed you a quick smile that was probably supposed to be reassuring, but it wasn’t. It only made you hurt for him even more.

“And then later,” he went on, “snow meant something else entirely. It reminded me of falling into a cold, freezing mountain of snow, blood everywhere... then being trapped.”

His vibranium fingers stilled against the branch.

“So when all this came around,” he gestured vaguely at the lights, the music, the warmth, “it didn’t feel joyful to me. It felt like being in something I didn’t belong in. Like I was pretending. All I was reminded of was how hard things were.”

He swallowed hard, searching for the right words.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel like enjoying the holidays was an inconvenience. I just didn’t know how to be part of it.” He finally looked at you, his eyes soft, vulnerable, and searching.

“I want to try, though,” he added quietly. “I really do.”

Your heart sank a little deeper with every word Bucky spoke. The crooked, boyish smile on his face wasn’t a happy one. It was a smile filled with regret, heavy with bittersweet memories of holidays gone by.

You stepped into his space and wrapped your arms around him, pressing your cheek against his solid chest. He froze for a second, like he always did when emotions caught him off guard, but then his arms came around you—slow, careful, and warm.

“I’m sorry,” you breathed. “I didn’t know it was like that for you growing up. I just wanted to share something I love with you. I never meant for it to bring up all the bad memories.”

A soft, almost relieved sigh left his lips as he held you tighter, his chin resting against your hair. You could feel his chest rise and fall beneath your cheek; the warmth of him only made you melt deeper into his arms.

“Thank you for doing all this,” you said softly. “Thank you for trying. It means so much to me, more than you know. Y-you know Christmas is my favorite holiday...” you sniffled.

“I know, and I’m sorry, baby,” he murmured, his hand coming up to caress the back of your hair as he nuzzled you even closer. “I should have tried from the start. I’m so sorry.”

Bucky stiffened when he felt his shirt getting damp. He pulled away slightly, and his expression was so soft, it only made you want to cry more at how gentle he looked at you. He raised his hands up and caressed your cheeks softly, both thumbs wiping away the wetness.

“Hey, hey—don’t cry, baby girl.”

The way he spoke, so quiet and careful, made you want to hiccup and choke back a sob.

“Hey,” he cooed again, pulling you close. “I mean it when I say I want to be here with you, baby.” He leaned in, pressing a kiss to your forehead before wiping at your tears again.

“I want to make new memories,” he added quietly. “New, happy memories this time. With you, our friends... I want to go out and gift you something personal instead of picking items off your wishlist. I want to have overly sweet cookies and hot chocolate with you. I want to go outside and make lopsided, uneven snow angels with you.”

You sniffled, rubbing your nose as you let out a weak chuckle. “They’re not lopsided... or uneven.”

A small laugh left his lips too, his finger brushing over your nose. “And I want to see your nose red from the cold and snow—not from crying.”

You nodded against his chest, and Bucky felt his heart clench. He brushed his thumb gently beneath your eye one last time before letting his hands settle at your waist, giving you a soft squeeze.

“Let’s finish decorating the tree, okay?” he murmured. “And after that, we’ll do all of it—the shopping, the cookies, the hot chocolate. Then we’ll bundle up and play in the snow.” He pressed a quick, gentle kiss to your lips. “And yes, sweetheart. They are lopsided and uneven.”

He wrapped a hand around your shoulder, gently turning you to face the tree again with a smile. He bent down, picking a clanky, weird looking ornament from the box.

“You made this one too?” he asked, chuckling at it.

You nodded. “In seventh grade.”

Bucky handed it to you with a gentle hand.

“Then show me where it goes, baby.”

thank you for reading this lil story, and merry christmas to those who celebrate!

Your beloved husband was a murderer, but instead of reeling back in shock or horror, as any other person would have, you placed a hand over your heart and softly exhaled. All those late-night shifts he supposedly picked up at the network, those lame, half-assed excuses that reeked of bullshit, they had nothing to do with your suspicions.

That Vincent was lying to you, cheating on you, driving your stress to an unhealthy level.

One which you could not afford to deal with at the risk of losing something special.

Hell, after he apologized to you and lovingly bid you goodnight over the phone, you decided to get out of bed and make a beeline for your closet, only to hastily put on some clothes and grab the keys to your car. The fear of him cheating spurred you on to investigate, especially with the news you had yet to share with him nestled within your core.

A baby, a human being, a soon-to-be living and breathing testament of your shared love, or at least that’s what it was supposed to be.

On your part, there was no doubt — but on his?

Your suspicions over his late-night escapades unfortunately aligned with the time you found out about your condition, two months ago.

Vincent was a busy man long before you entertained the thought of being with him. Hell, you only knew him because you used to be sweet on his late friend, Paul, who also happened to be his predecessor. When he went missing, he swooped in to comfort you. One thing led to another, and now, you were 5-years into a happy marriage.

But then God decided to chuck a reality check at you in the form of a baby, forcing you to confront all the little details you had previously overlooked. His tendency to stay in the office at inconspicuous hours of the night, his refusal to share any explicit details about what he got up to, among other nerve-racking things.

Anyway, your husband was a charming man with a silver tongue, his words powerful, efficacious. The last thing you wanted to do was allow yourself to be coaxed into giving him another chance for the sake of your baby — even if the thought of leaving him, of starting anew as a divorced woman with an unborn child sickened you.

Fortunately, though, you found out you were wrong about the cheating.

“I… uh, hey there, sweetheart?”

You scoffed at his greeting, tossing aside the wire you had used to pick your way inside.

Vincent dropped the cable in his hand and stared at you, a deep crease forming in between his brows, mouth slowly opening and closing like a fish. A small part of him appeared to be relieved to know that you weren’t terrified by the revelation sitting slumped against the corner of his office, pale and void of life, but your reaction?

He certainly found it to be strange, his usually coherent, well-crafted speech failing him.

“Vincent Whittman, you lying, son-of-a-bitch,” You hissed through your teeth, voice barely above a whisper. “I thought you were cheating on me!”

At least you were quick to explain yourself, though, shutting the door behind you and hastily locking it.

Your heels clicked against the floor with every long stride you took towards him, a flicker of acknowledgement passing through your features as you moved past the elephant in the room — the deceased body of the CEO of the network. But that was it. You didn’t flinch, you didn’t grimace, nothing, your gaze fixated on him and only him.

“I… uhh, what?” Vincent stammered out as you stopped in front of him, neck craning to look up at him. “I am so confused… do you not see Robert —”

He tried to turn away from you to gesture at the body, but you reached up and grabbed ahold of his face, thumb and forefinger sinking into his cheeks and promptly forcing him to turn his attention back to you. A muffled gasp seeped past his smooshed lips, mismatched irises staring down at you with a mixture of shock and disbelief.

“You know what? You being insecure doesn’t come as a surprise to me. I mean, Paul disappeared the day before he was supposed to take me on a date.”

He instantly snatched your wrist, pulling your hand away from his face, a glare taking over his features.

“I’m sorry, what?” Vincent shook his head and sputtered. “I didn’t take out Paul to — you chose to date me because — how long have you known?”

Your brows shot up to your hairline and your lips parted with a gasp.

“Ah-ha! So you did kill Paul for me?” You laughed incredulously. “Jesus, it was just a sneaking suspicion, but thanks for confirming it, you dolt!”

Oh, he had walked into that one. Vincent dropped your hand with a sigh, whirling around on his heel and trying to resume what he was doing before you barged into his office, grumbling softly under his breath. He could deal with you knowing what kind of person he truly was, but that? No, not really. It didn’t help that you had called him insecure.

Clearly, you didn’t understand the motivating factor behind the people he decided to murder. It wasn’t personal.

He saw them as nothing but a blockade in his path to success.

They were his competition, and it only made sense to take them out instead of trying to surpass them… right?

Vincent suddenly doubled down over his desk, one hand shakily clutching at a sharp, wooden edge, the other carding into his silver-streaked hair, his chest heaving with a maniacal laugh. You weren’t phased by his behavior, however, folding your arms over your chest and arching a brow at him as he went off his hinges, obviously unimpressed.

“You’re pathetic,” You mused, making him whip around. “At least I now know that you’re not unfaithful on top of that, though.”

He wildly flailed his arms around and sputtered.

“If you suspected that I took out Paul for you, why the fuck would you think I’d cheat? I mean, that’s a lot of wasted effort, don’t you think, sweetheart?”

You unfolded an arm to wave him off.

“You may be my first husband, but you’re not the first man I’ve been with. You’d be surprised at how often men tend to contradict themselves.”

It was late, about 11 P.M., give or take, and now that you had confirmed that your beloved husband was not a cheater, you supposed that it was alright to take your leave. He had… unfinished business sitting across the room, and though you weren’t phased by it, you weren’t particularly interested in finding out how he disposed of his victims.

So, you approached Vincent and reached out to him once more.

Instead of grabbing his face, however, your fingers curled into the lapels of his coat and tugged, encouraging him to meet you halfway down.

A questioning look passed his features as you balanced yourself on your tiptoes.

Vincent opened his mouth to ask what you were doing, but before his tongue could curl to form a single syllable, you lifted your head and captured his lips in a kiss. It was soft, sweet, unexpected, but he couldn’t just stand there like a fool and not kiss his beloved wife back, one hand scrambling to grasp at your waist, the other, your jaw.

Though right as he melted into the gesture, chest pushing up against yours, thin lips smoothly gliding across your supple ones, you pulled away, leaving him chasing after you with a disappointed whine. You let out a giggle and turned your head to the side, but your gaze remained on his, mismatched irises overshadowed by his blown pupils.

“Sorry, but I’m not exactly keen on making out with a corpse in the room,” You hummed, planting your heels on the ground. “And I’m a bit tired, too.”

You were right, and he knew that.

Still, he couldn’t help but let out a groan, especially as you let go of his coat and slowly walked back.

What a goddamn tease you were.

“I’m assuming you’ll be able to sleep just fine tonight,” Vincent muttered, leaning back on his desk. “Since, you know, I’m not a fucking cheater.”

You nodded your head with a shit-eating grin, steadily making your way to the door, heels clicking against the floor. However, as you latched your fingertips on the doorknob, your face lightened up and your lips parted with an ‘Ah!’, remembering something important. The very reason why you came out to verify he wasn’t cheating.

Of course, he arched a brow at you, curious.

“I mean, you being a murderer isn’t any better,” You hummed, placing a hand on your belly. “But, I guess our baby will be well protected.”

You took your leave before he could say anything.

Vincent stared ahead, hands shakily coming up to clutch at his hair, streaks of silver cascading over his forehead as you left him left alone to celebrate the good news — with his predecessor’s body still sitting lifeless in his office, waiting to be disposed of. How cruel of you, though he supposed it was the least he deserved for worrying you.

"Y/N?" Bucky scoffed again. "I could never fall for that disgusting mess." His words cold and stiff. The tears that had been in Y/N's eyes started to trail down her cheeks in thick droplets.

"Awe, come on man. She's not that bad. She's kinda cute." She could barely hear Sam over her own heartbeat and the slam of weights. Her hand slid over her mouth, eyes closing.

"Cute? Is that what we call it?" Bucky grunted as more plates slammed. Y/N too off into a dead run to her room, not letting her sobs out until she was in her room.

"FRIDAY, protocol privacy lock-down. I will not be taking any phone calls or visitors." Y/N's voice cracked, her breathes ragged as she heard to locks move into place.

"Understood, Miss. Y/N. Should I inform Mr. Stark of your unusual heart rate?" The robotic voice filled her room.

"No, FRIDAY... Just set a timer for 0800. I have a mission." She locked herself into the bathroom not bothering to hear FRIDAY's reply. Y/N stared into the mirror, her hand tugging off her over sized sweatshirt and dropping her pants standing their in her underwear.

"Disgusting?" She croaked her hands sliding through her hair, over her shoulders and stopping at her small breasts. She cupped them, tears flowing in a mess. Then slowly her hands trailed over her chubby curves, her pear shape undeniable. She sobbed. "I thought... Thought he liked chubby girls... Maybe he does women like Nat.." She choked on the words, hands moving to grope her large ass.

Y/N sobbed more. For once in her life she thought she had finally got confident, thought she had finally managed to be attractive to someone. However, now she was realizing she was just a disgusting mess to Bucky.

After an hour of sobbing in the bathroom, she went back to her room curling under her sheets and closing her eyes. Her emotional display draining her dry, and forcing her into a dark slumber. Dinner time came and went and she never made an appearance. She could hear FRIDAY tell someone she had engaged locks, demanding to be alone. She didn't care who it was as she wallowed.

___________________________________________________________

Present time...

Y/N's side was still gushing blood and she could hear footsteps getting closer. She scurried up looking around seeing the duct work, forcing herself up through it. It was a tight squeeze on her hips, but she managed to wiggle herself out of eyesight and shut the door right as the door burst inward. She heard shouting and screaming.

"No one is here! But there's blood. Bet they escaped back out the other way. They were too fat to fit through the ducts..." Y/N head the footsteps go back into another direction. At least being chubby finally had an advantage. She continued to wiggle through, her vision a little blurry as her side burned. Her mind went back to this morning when it all came crashing down.

_________________________________________________8 hours ago...

Y/N woke up with a start at FRIDAY's alarm reminding her of her mission. She shut the alarm down, before tiredly stumbling to the bathroom. She didn't look in the mirror as she slipped in the shower, washing off with unscented soap, a hack she had learned from Bucky of all people. It helped an agent keep from getting discovered by their scent. She got out, braiding her hair back and putting on a hooded mask, pulling the mouth piece down. She slipped on her tactile suit, hating how it clung to her. Tony had said it would make slipping in and out of rooms easier, she didn't really believe him.

She made her way to the kitchen, a tired and drained look on her face as she grabbed a pear from the counter. She froze when she heard Bucky and Nat's voices down the hall. She angrily chomped the pear, staring at the window as their voices went hushed upon entering the room. She didn't look at either of them as she threw the core away.

"Woah, where you going?" Nat asked with that judging tone of hers. Y/N looked at her refusing to look at Bucky.

"I have a mission. I am surprised Tony didn't mention it considering we spent the majority of the day yesterday preparing for it." Her words clipped and tired. She was not in the mood to pretend to be happy or content. She was tired and didn't want to be alive much less awake. She moved to walk by Bucky, whole body seizing up when he grabbed her arm.

"Hey Doll, what's with the attitude?" Her head shot up, a venomous hiss crossing her look.

"None of your fucking business." She jerked away as if he burned her. Him calling her Doll used to make her heart flutter, but now it just shattered her. "Don't fucking call me that ever that ever!" She growled stomping away.

"Y/N?" Bucky called out, his voice full of confusion. His shoulder length brushed his jaw as he shook his head confused. He acted like he had no idea what he did wrong.

Within the next hour, Y/N was on the jet on her way to an abandoned Hydra Base in Russia.

_____________________________________________________________

Present Time...

Y/N's breathes were ragged, pain scoring throughout her entire body. She had managed to make it further through the vents, leaving a trail of blood behind her. She was starting to get scared that she had bleed too much, but she couldn't give up yet.

Y/N froze when a creaking sound surrounded her making her look around the vents confused. Then suddenly without warning the ventilation shaft gave way sending her outside into a thick pile of snow sliding down the bank and hitting the frozen surface of a river hard.

_____________________________________________________________

1 Hour Ago....

Y/N had landed and entered the base successfully. She felt like she was finally winning as she made it to the mainframe pushing Tony's flash drive into the old computer giving him remote access.

"See? I told you it would be easy." Y/N knew Tony could hear her smile across her comm unit as she watched the screen.

"Yeah, yeah... Don't get a big head yet. You still have to blow the place up and make it home in one peace that airhead." His tone was joking, but the words struck a cord with her that made her suck in a breathe.

"To-" Before she could finish, Y/N heard yelling on Tony's side of the comm.

"Why the fuck is Y/N IN Russia?" It was Bucky's voice, loud and pissed. Y/N froze, eyebrows coming together. Why the hell did he care?

"Tin-man, she's at an abandoned based giving us access to Hydra files. I picked the easiest mission for her." Tony was not concerned by Bucky's temper tantrum, used to them by now.

"You know she's not made for that shit!!" Y/N rolled her eyes, watching the bar on the screen. She shifted, her plush hip brushed the console. "Y/N!! Get your ass back on the jet and get back here."

"No." Y/N's voice was clear and defiant.

"What do you mean no?" Bucky hissed, voice clearer. He had clearly wrestled the comm from Tony. "You are not made for this kind of work Y/N."

"Not made... You know what Bucky? Fuck you!" She screamed in the base, her voice angry and hurt. "Just think of it this way, at least my disgusting person isn't in the fucking base."

"What are you tal-"Bucky got quiet, telling Y/N realization was now hitting him. "You weren't meant to hear that Doll..." His voice quiet, a static sound coming through as his gruff rubbed the microphone.

"I told you not to call me that!! You don't de-" A loud shot rang through the room as Y/N slammed into the console gasping. Her eyes turned toward the door seeing a Hydra agent with a gun in his hands. Her hand slid down to her side. She was bleeding, but the adrenaline made it hard for her to feel it. She grabbed the comm trying to hear anything, but when she had slammed into the console she screwed the comm up.

"And just who might you be marshmallow?" The man's voice thick with a Russian accent. He had a wicked smirked on his face seeing her pained expression. "You're far from home..."

"Fuck.. Fuck you.." Y/N gasped.

"Awe.. Such grown words for such a little squish." He hummed coming closer, sliding the barrel of his gun against her jaw. Y/N eyes were wide, hands shaking as she tried to remember her training. But of course she wasn't trained to be put into a hand to hand combat situation. In a rush of luck, she slammed her wrist into his hand just as he pulled the trigger. His eyes went wide as he slumped to the floor bleeding heavily from his shoulder. Y/N kicked the gun away, staring at him.

"Sorry bout this..." She hit the detonating button on her remote, before stumbling from the room down the hall. That side of the base erupted in fire and smoke as she barely managed to get herself into a closet. Her side was gusting as she barely managed to pulled her knife out.

"Fuck..." She cried slamming the knife into the gun shot wound, slicing her skin open into a gash and forced the bullet out. Her vision was slightly blurred with pain, her teeth gritted. Her head fell back as she tried to remember how she got there.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Present time...

Y/N had lost consciousness when she hit the ice. Her legs dangled in the freezing water as she came through. She used her arms to shakily crawl over to the ledge of the bank, arms going weak and face hitting the ground. Her world was spinning, she couldn't make anything out as she laid there. She didn't know how long she had been there, but her everything hurt from cold. But at least now she couldn't feel her side or how her heart had broken the day before.

✦Author's Note: This is an alternate timeline Avenger's AU! Starts some time after Age of Ultron, but Hulk never went off world. Enjoy!✦

Not even when you need to use the restroom. He followed you inside, taking the opportunity to feel you up. His hands were all over your body, groping, claiming what’s rightfully his.

“Smile and look like a happy wife. I gave you four orgasms today already,” Steve whispers in your ear, making your cheeks heat up. You quiver in his hold, unsure how much longer you can stop his cum from running further down your thighs. “You can still feel me inside of you. Your pretty cunt is stuffed full.”

“Steve, I want to go. I need a shower and to wash it off,” you huff, now wiggling in his hold. “You made a point, okay. Tonight, you win. I’m worn out and hungry. You didn’t let me eat a single bite.”

“I have something nice in my slacks if you are hungry, doll,” Steve purrs in your ear. You don’t know what got into him tonight. His libido seems to be out of control. “Do you want to lick it?”

You are about to suggest finding a room to get naughty when two women call your husband’s name. One of them touches his arm, and he doesn’t shake her hand off.

They shamelessly chat Steve up while you are standing right next to him, wearing his ring. You give your husband the benefit of the doubt and wait for his reaction.

He clears his throat before, to your disappointment, he drops his arm from your middle to chat with the women.

“Typical,” you comment and turn to leave. Steve doesn’t even recognize that you walked away to finally get food. He falls back into old patterns, puffing his chest like a peacock, bathing in the attention of women whose names he’ll forget in the morning.

“Y/N?” Steve finally realizes that you left his side too late. It’s been almost an hour since you not only left his side but also the party.

“She left soon after you started chatting up those bimbos,” Bucky comments. He’s the only person getting away with talking like that to his friend. “I thought you wanted to try to make this marriage work.

”Fuck.” Steve curses loudly. Everyone at the party watched him pay more attention to the women he didn’t even know than to his wife. “Do you know where she went?”

“Home, I assume,” Bucky replies, laughing at his friend’s pained expression. “I don’t get why you seek attention from random women. Y/N looked at you like she saw more in you than a deal you and her father made. The spark you ignited died the moment you forgot about your wife—again.”

Steve ran out of the ballroom, ignoring the confused looks he earned from the other guests. He had to get home as fast as possible to, once again, make things up to you. Or die trying…

Meanwhile, back at the mansion, you decided to have a bubble bath, followed by ordering food from your favorite restaurant and, to piss your husband off, moving all your belongings to one of the guest rooms.

From now on, you won’t share a bed with a man who repeatedly ignored and disrespected you in front of everyone you know.

“Fucking perfect,” you moan between bites. “I shouldn’t have gone to that stupid party. I knew it was a mistake. Steve cannot be trusted.”

“Y/N! Do not play with me!” Steve searches for you in your shared bedroom. All your belongings are gone, even your favorite pillow, and he fears you left him for good.

“Doll, I know you are here! I can smell your shampoo.” He frantically runs his fingers through his hair, thinking about people you’d contact if you needed help. “Fuck…”

“Sir, Mr. Rogers,” one of the maids nervously pokes her head into the bedroom. “Mrs. Rogers resides in the guest room in the left wing. She told me to tell you to…” She averts her gaze, wincing because she doesn’t want to repeat your words.

“What did she say?” Steve exhales sharply. He’s relieved you did not leave him, but angry at the same time. Your husband was worried sick, believing you had finally left him for good. “I don’t have all day!”

“Get fucked.” The maid splutters. “That’s what she said, Mr. Rogers. I think she’s very angry with you. She doesn’t want to see you.”

“I decide if my wife sees me or not,” Steve growls in the poor woman’s direction. She flinches, not used to being yelled at. “You are dismissed. Go home and get some rest. My wife shouldn’t have dragged you into our personal affairs.”

She almost stumbles out of the room, never looking back. Steve follows her out of the room to storm toward the guest room. He tries to tell himself to calm down, but he just can’t tame his anger. – You made him look like a fool tonight. It doesn’t matter to him that he was the one ruining the party for you.

You can hear Steve yell your name from down the hallway. He’s, as so often, convinced that it is your fault the night didn’t play out as planned.

“You better pack your shit and move back into our bedroom,” he yells while slamming his fist into the door. “Open the fucking door! You won’t hide from your husband.”

You’re unimpressed by his anger. Taking your time to slip out of bed and walking toward the door, you smirk. You unlock the door, sizing your husband up the moment your eyes land on him.

“What can I do for Mr. Rogers?” You cross your arms over your chest, pushing your tits out on purpose. For a moment, Steve gets distracted. He stares at your tits, licking his lips. “I believed you were still busy with these girls half your age.”

“Half my…what?” He lifts his eyes from your chest to look at your face. “You left me at the party. I won’t let you make a fool out of me ever again. I told you to stay by my side all night.”

“I wanted to tell you to follow me into one of the bedrooms at Stark’s mansion and let me suck your cock.” You grin at your husband. “It seemed like you’d rather spend your time with these girls than let your wife give you a blowjob.”

You shrug and turn to close the door. “I told you that I did not want to come to that party. We both knew it’d end like this. You always get caught up with some woman. Mostly of the time, more than one.”

Steve winces. You are not wrong. He promised not to let you out of sight and to pay attention to you all night. Steve failed you, and he can’t blame you for leaving.

“I was distracted for a moment. You left and… I didn’t want to be impolite.” You laugh at his poor excuse.

“Steve, I left your side to get food because you were busy letting these skanks chat you up. I watched you from afar, waiting for you to come to me. Everyone was staring at me. I gave you sixty minutes to get your shit together and stop being an asshole.”

You slam the door in his face. Tonight is the first time that you don’t scream or start a fight. You’re tired of fighting for his attention or to keep women away from him.

“You know what, I don’t give a shit. Go ahead and spend the night with those skanks, too. Because from now on, your dick will stay away from me, just like the rest of you…”

After months of wanting one of your closest friends, falling for him more and more every time you were forced to take a solo mission with him, share a bed for the night, have his hands so gentle on you as he looked over a wound. 

You knew you couldn’t make Bucky want you, hell the man had spent too many years of his life wrapped up in other people forcing his hand. The problem was you couldn’t exactly turn your heart off at the blink of an eye either. 

Maybe that was why you started taking more missions with Sam and Joaquin? Maybe that was why you started gravitating towards Yelena or Ava when it came time for missions to be handed down. You had to put some distance between you and the blue eyed soldier who had your heart in the palm of his hand. You refused to lose him as a friend so that was the only option.

Bucky stood to the side of the room, a drink clenched in his right hand and scanning the crowd. He tried to ignore the itching between his shoulders every time his eyes wanted nothing more than to find you. He wasn’t sure what was going on between you and him. He had no clue what he’d done, how to fix it. You were pulling away, little by little. It hurt but he couldn’t force you to be his partner on missions any more than he could force you to make your way across this.. What the hell was this again? Gala? Press junket? It didn't matter. You weren’t at his side and he knew deep down it was somehow his fault. 

“Bucky” he groaned inwardly at hearing John’s voice and turned to see the other man  approach “Yeah?” John nodded around to the room “Nice turn out” Bucky nodded slowly, feeling a headache forming behind his eyes. “Guess so” 

He looked away and then looked back at John before asking “Do you have any clue what I did to her?” John’s eyes got comically wide “I know you don’t mean Yelena, Ava or Kate” “No” Bucky muttered, eyes scanning the room until they finally found their intended target, you.

You were near the stage, talking to some guy in a three piece suit. The guy was a little too close for his liking but your posture was relaxed, everything about you said you welcomed the guy closer. He hated that almost worse than if you needed a rescue. “I’m not sure, I just know she’s asked me if it came down to it if me and Ava would switch partners for a couple weeks if nothing else” 

That stopped Bucky short. You’d rather partner with Walker than him? He looked back at John who shrugged “I don’t know” he could tell from the look on John’s that he honestly didn’t.

He looked back at the guy was saying something and oh fuck no he just put his hand on your waist. “Bucky..” he vaguely registered John’s voice calling him but he didn’t really care. He was moving across the room without a thought as to what he’d do when he got there.

One moment you were talking to Parker, a sergeant in the marines that had gotten invited to the press junket because his father was a general in the army. He was actually pretty charming and handsome to boot. The next moment you heard Bucky’s voice “Excuse us” before his arm slipped around your waist and you were getting dragged across the room.

“What the fuck Barnes!” you growled once he’d tugged you into the corner. “I um.. He touched you!” He looked damn near frantic. You laughed lightly, “I know! I let him”  there was something there, oh god, he was jealous. “Bucky?” you spoke his name softly and his face dropped “I didn’t like seeing him touch you. I don’t like that you haven’t been partnering with me, I don’t like that you’ve been avoiding me..I um I miss you” 

You stood there, mouth agape for a moment before you finally shook your head “I’m not doing this” you spun around and headed for the side door. You should’ve known Bucky would be right before you. The moment the cool evening air wrapped around you he spoke again “Doll, please”

You spun to face him “Why? Why do you miss me Bucky?” you crossed your arms over your chest as if you could physically guard your heart from the inevitable break that was coming, “Because..” he took a deep breath before finally meeting your eyes “Because I’ve had feelings for you for a long time. I could never figure out how to get them into words. Partnering with you, being close to you.. It means a lot to me”

You laughed bitterly, feeling tears burn your eyes. “It should not take seeing me with another man to realize you want me.” you nearly whispered the words but knew he heard them. 

He shook his head, taking a half a step towards you “I have always wanted you. Longer than I probably would care to even admit to myself. But it has never mattered what I wanted, it is what you want. What do you want?"  

Your heart was in your throat, threatening to leap out but one look in his eyes told you he meant every word. Was this a leap worth taking or would you both fall flat? Before you had time to overthink it your mouth decided to move on its own “You. I want you”

A smile slipped onto his face, nervous but genuine “Can I..can i kiss you?” you laughed, nodding your head before finally managing “Please” 

Bucky closed the space between you and pulled you into his arms, one hand at your hip, the other gently cupping your chin. His lips brushed yours like you were made of glass, like he was worried you may shatter. You tugged him closer, deepening the kiss yourself and felt the tension leave his body along with a low groan as his tongue flicked past your lips, tangling with your own. You whined lightly, tucking yourself closer to him.

Before the kiss could get any further heated you heard clapping. The two of you broke apart and realized you’d had an audience. John, Yelena, Ava, Bob, Joaquin, Sam and Kate.  You could feel your face heat up as you buried it in Bucky’s chest. You could hear them teasing and Bucky telling them to get lost. “That’s right Barnes, protect your girl” Yelena teased with a laugh.

After a moment Bucky kissed the top of your head “They’re gone sweetheart” you peeked up at him and grinned “So, are we really doing this?” he nodded “If you want” “I want” you whispered and he smiled “Then we’re doing this” and tugged you into another kiss. 

Bucky Barnes Fanfic

He clicked his tongue.

The realization grated on him. This was a matter of life and death. Because those chains the Queen had placed on him still hummed beneath his skin, suffocating, limiting, mocking him.

He strode through the halls of the hotel, cane clicking rhythmically, a forced calm stretched over the irritation simmering through him. He reached the part of the hotel you had claimed for yourself. It looked like… an office.

Sinners hustled in and out clutching documents. They were rushing, yes but not panicking. Busy, yes. Focused, certainly. But not afraid.

They were… comfortable.

How annoyingly admirable. Clearly, you were a capable ruler—something he filed away in a corner of his mind, labelled for later use. 

He took a step forward and abruptly, someone stepped directly in his path. Blocking him. Alastor froze, not out of shock, but out of the sheer absurdity of the gesture.

Her eyes were sharp, bored, unimpressed. “Name and purpose of visit?”

Alastor blinked once. Then he laughed—a deep, smooth ripple of amusement that crackled at the edges with radio static. “Name? My dear, if you require an introduction, you are comically unqualified for your position.”

The assistant did not smile. “Oh, I know who you are,” she said, unimpressed. “But the Duchess is busy. Do you have an appointment or not?”

Alastor’s grin stretched a little too wide. “That’s a no,” he answered cheerfully.

“Hm,” she hummed, marking something on her clipboard with clear disappointment. “Figures. No manners.”

His smile twitched.

Before he could respond, she tilted her head and asked far too casually, “Alright. Then are you here for work or fuck?”

The radio static screech that tore out of him made three imps drop their paperwork. He leaned in slowly, voice velvet-wrapped murder.  “…Pardon?”

The assistant didn’t flinch. “Well, everyone who comes to see the Duchess fits one of those categories,” she said matter-of-factly. “Urgent business, or… sex.” She flipped a page on her clipboard. “She has a lot of one-time hookups. Very unhealthy lifestyle, if you ask me—”

Alastor didn’t let her finish.

He took one elegant step to the side, cane tapping sharply as he swept past her, effectively dismissing her existence. He would not tolerate the image. He would not even entertain the notion.

The assistant called after him, “I’ll just—put you down as work, then!”

He ignored her entirely. Alastor was already irritated when he reached the second set of doors. But by the time he stood before them, irritation had hardened into something sharper—into the kind of focus one has before gutting a deer.

Did you truly expect him to… perform such disgusting displays?

He nearly gagged.

But if you invoked your side of the deal—if you demanded it—then yes, technically, the agreement would require him to participate.

The thought made his skin crawl. So what choice did he have?

The doors opened with a soft hum and he stepped inside. There you were. Sitting at your desk, hunched over papers, scribbling with that terrifying concentration.

You didn’t sense him. Of course you didn’t. The annoyance that flared inside him was immediate and unreasonable.

He approached slowly, until he stood right before your desk. At last, finally you looked up. Your eyes widened with genuine surprise. “Alastor? What brings you here?”

He narrowed his eyes. Had you really not spent a week letting him twist, waiting, wondering, like a bug pinned beneath your thumb? Or did you truly forget?

“What else,” he said coldly, “but our deal?”

You sighed and lowered your gaze, flipping through the papers again. “Yes, yes, I know. I intended to get to it, but I’ve been busy handling the paperwork with Heaven.” You waved a dismissive hand. “They’re refusing to move Charlie’s meeting to an earlier date—”

He didn’t care. He didn’t care about Heaven. He didn’t care about your paperwork. And he certainly didn’t care for the fact that you were talking to him with the same tone one used for a mildly annoying clerk. Your dismissive tone crackled something ugly inside him.

Without warning, Alastor swept a hand across your desk. Papers flew. He perched on the desk itself, legs dangling, smiling sharply down at you. You stared at him, irritated. “What are you—”

But your words died as Alastor loosened his bowtie with a sharp tug, fingers sliding to his collar. His jaw clenched. The movement was tense, mechanical, and resentful.

Fine. If this was the humiliation you wanted, he could give you a small dose–

His thoughts shattered when you shot up from your chair so quickly it almost toppled. “WOAH—HEY—HEY!” Your blush flared instantly, hands flying up to cover your eyes. “What are you doing, Alastor?!”

Alastor froze.

“Well,” he hissed, chin tilted with stiff arrogance, “wasn’t this what you wanted?”

You blinked at him, genuinely baffled. A soft noise of confusion left your lips. “What? When did I ever say that?”

He clicked his tongue and looked sharply away, the gesture small but telling, like a curtain drawn over embarrassment. “Your assistant certainly believes so. And you,” his gaze flicked back, pointed, “apparently have numerous trysts under your belt.”

You sighed. Not frustrated, more weary, and almost fond. “I would never force you,” you said quietly.

He could handle deceit. He could dissect manipulation with surgical precision. He could withstand fear, hatred, awe, worship. He was made to devour all of it. But sincerity? It cut deeper.

And there it was, undeniable—shining in your eyes and threaded into every syllable. You meant it.

“…Why not?” he challenged anyway, but the edge was duller now.

You moved back to your seat, letting your body sink into the chair with the tired elegance of someone who spent far too long handling things far beneath them. You gave him a small, knowing smile. “Because we don’t have to sleep together to be known as lovers, Alastor. Our agreement was to be fake lovers. Fake.” You gestured lightly between the two of you. “And besides… you clearly weren’t enjoying what you just tried to do.”

That earnest tone again. It irritated him. It soothed him. It confused him immensely.

Alastor didn’t respond. His fingers moved automatically, buttoning up his shirt with precise, efficient motions. The collar snapped back into place. His bowtie tightened into its immaculate knot.

Only then did he hum—a low, thoughtful note. A decent bone in your body… who would’ve thought?

Alastor slid off your desk with a smooth, predatory grace, straightening his coat. “Then,” he drawled, eyes narrowing, “what does the deal pertain to? What precisely do I have to do?”

You opened your mouth to answer but your phone shrieked alive in a sharp SOS-red flash, vibrating with a pitch that meant someone was either dying or being stupid enough to risk it.

Your expression instantly tightened. You snatched the device, thumb gliding across the screen. The phone lifted from your hand, hovering horizontally in the air as the image projected forward like a floating window.

Vassago appeared. You softened, your voice warming without conscious thought. “Vassago?”

He bowed his head deeply. “Your Grace.”

Alastor’s eyes flickered at the softness in your tone. Interesting.

Vassago barely held the greeting before bursting forward with panic, voice rising into anxious screeching. “You’re needed urgently in the Wrath Court!”

You blinked. “…Why? I’m not scheduled to meet Satan until three weeks from now—”

A high-pitched birdlike shriek tore from him. “No, no, no! This is urgent—Satan is passing unjust judgement over Stolas!”

The slam of your palm on the desk echoed like a whip crack. “WHAT?!” Your power spiked in the air, rippling across papers, rattling drawers. Vassago swallowed. “He gave his grimoire to Blitzo—”

“That imp he’s in love with?” you deadpanned.

Vassago nodded.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” You were already rising, already summoning your magic. “I’m coming over.”

The projection dissolved as you cut the call, and already your fingers were slicing through the air. A portal tore open.

Alastor stepped closer. “I would like to join you,” he declared, the polite tone not hiding the hungry curiosity beneath. He wanted answers. He wanted leverage.

You blinked at him, thrown off. “Why would you—? You know what, I don’t have time for this. Fine. Come along. Just try not to die.”

And together, you stepped into the wrathful heat of the Ring.

__________________________

Alastor walked beside you, hands folded neatly behind his back, whistling something jaunty and wildly out of place. His eyes, however, were drinking in every detail, no Pride sinner must have seen what he was experiencing.

At last, you reached the towering double doors; symbols of all Seven Sins were carved into it. The two guards standing watch… were not.

They were hunched over a cracked phone, snickering at something on-screen, so engrossed they didn’t even glance up.

One waved a lazy hand without looking. “Get lost, we’re on break.”

Your brow twitched. You didn’t speak, or warn or lift a finger. You simply let your power ripple. Golden energy snapped through the air. The guard’s phone shattered instantly, splintering into a cloud of broken glass and metal shards.

Both guards froze. Their eyes widened. Their faces drained. 

“Y–Your Grace!” one squeaked, tripping over his own feet as he scrambled upright. “S-so sorry!” the other stuttered. “We—we didn’t know—uh—I mean—It’s just been a long time since you’ve—”

You leveled a cold stare at them. “Open the doors.”

They nodded so fast their helmets clanged together, then practically launched themselves at the handles, pushing the heavy gates open with frantic strength.

Alastor hummed approvingly at your side, entirely smug.

Stolas collapsed forward on the execution block. Stolas, barely able to lift his head, whispered hoarsely, “B-but… what about my daughter…?”

“Oh, don’t fret,” Andrealphus said sweetly, venom dripping beneath every syllable. “She’ll be safe and sound… with her mother.” His eyes glinted. “The wholesome parent.”

Satan clapped his hands together.  “Well! That settles it. The court’s adjourned. Time for lunch!”

He hopped down from his platform, turning and froze when he saw you. Every other Sin froze with him. Satan recovered quickly, his grin spreading wide across his demonic maw. “Well, well! I didn’t expect to see you so soon!” he boomed. “What brings you—”

“What,” you growled, “is the meaning of this?”

You stepped forward, your voice slicing through the court like a blade.

“How,” you continued, “do you pass judgement without allowing him defense? Without giving him the chance to speak? And—” your eyes snapped toward Andrealphus, who suddenly stood very, very still “—without consulting his daughter on which parent she wishes to stay with?”

Satan’s bravado faltered. His shoulders hunched ever so slightly, a guilty schoolboy caught misbehaving before the headmistress. “I—I… well—” he sputtered.

But Andrealphus glided forward like a serpent scenting injury. “Your Grace,” he said smoothly, bowing just enough to be polite but never humble, “are you here to defend Stolas?” His feathers rustled with false concern. “Would that not be… biased?”

You opened your mouth but he barrelled on, his voice rising theatrically for the benefit of the gathered Sins and noble houses. “How could you give Via—an innocent child—to be raised by a criminal? By a prince who broke one of our sacred laws?”

The court erupted in hushed arguments. Goetic princes muttered among themselves.

For the first time, Alastor saw something flickered across your face. A tiny crack, so small it might’ve gone unnoticed by anyone else. Your shoulders stiffened. Your fingers curled inward. You took a step back—subtle, instinctive, as if the accusations had actually landed.

Alastor’s eye twitched.

How dare they. How dare these pampered, preening, lesser aristocrats speak to you this way?

Satan, emboldened by the shift in the room, folded his arms. “With all due respect,” Satan rumbled, a phrase that always meant the opposite, “you and Lucifer haven’t exactly been present in the last century. So how could you question the judgement of those who’ve been handling matters down here?”

A ripple of agreement shivered through the gallery. Alastor felt an irrational spike of irritation crawl up his spine. Irritation toward them. And, if he was honest—irritation toward you, too. For letting them get to you. For forgetting, even momentarily, that you were not made to be questioned. 

He took one quiet step closer to you. And suddenly every pair of eyes shifted to him as if pulled by invisible strings.

Alastor leaned in, his voice low enough for only you to hear. “Are you going to allow these people,” he murmured, “to speak to you like that?”

You stiffened.

He saw the uncertainty flicker in your eyes. “I—” your voice cracked, just barely. 

Alastor’s hand rose, slow and deliberate, and settled on your shoulder. His grip was steady, warm, unyielding. “If you can keep Hell running on your own,” he whispered, “then you can manage this insignificant thing as well.”

Your eyes widened, shifting. Alastor watched the transformation with a quiet, private satisfaction as something steadfast lit behind your gaze. And you smiled, soft and grateful. Unexpected. Alastor’s grin froze for the briefest fraction of a second before he smoothed it back into composure.

You stepped forward, “I may not have visited in some time, but that is because no case of importance has been brought before this court.”

Satan swallowed. 

“According to Hell’s law,” you continued, “any case involving our people—” your eyes swept over the Goetia nobles “—must be brought to either Lucifer or myself. The co-creators of your line.”

Murmurs rippled through the room. Several princes stiffened; a few lowered their heads.

“And since,” you went on, your tone growing icier, “I received no hell-mail, no summons, not even a courtesy notice, that means one thing.”

“A mistake has been made,” you said, “on your end.”

Satan’s face drained of color. “I—It must have been—”

Your gaze slid to Andrealphus. "And as for being biased…” you purred, your voice echoing through every stone in the hall.

Andrealphus opened his beak-like mouth to speak—

You didn’t let him.

Your glare, vicious and bright as a solar flare, pinned him to the spot. “Because if memory serves,” you said sweetly, “you and your sister have been plotting to seize Stolas’ legions for months now.”

The entire court gasped.

Andrealphus sputtered so violently he nearly choked. “T-Th—that is—that is a vile accusation! Baseless! I—You—Your Grace, I assure you—!”

You lifted a brow, unimpressed.

You stepped forward. He stepped back. “So tell me, Andrealphus,” you said, tilting your head. “Should I punish you right now for treason?”

Alastor, just behind your shoulder, chuckled under his breath.  Now this was entertainment.

“I understand,” you began, your tone low but carrying to every corner of the hall, “that judgement has been passed. And I acknowledge that neither I nor Lucifer may interfere with the verdict itself.” You paused, letting the air coil around the weight of your words before turning a cold, unimpressed stare toward Andre. “But,” you continued, “I can address what comes after.”

Andre flinched visibly even before you said the next part.

“While Stolas is… indisposed,” you said, selecting the word with unmistakable disdain, “his lands, legions, and titles will be placed temporarily under Vassago. He has proven, consistently and without scandal, that he can manage territory of that scale.”

Andre’s curse tore out of him like a punctured pipe. “You—you can’t—!”

You didn’t spare him a look.  Then your gaze slid back to Satan, sharp as a blade dragged across glass. “And as for you, Satan,” you said, voice deceptively mild.

He perked up warily. “…Yes?”

“No more lunch breaks.”

Satan gasped like you’d stabbed him. “You’re too cruel!”

You only shrugged. “A just punishment. And it might help you improve your administrative discipline. This court is adjourned.”

You descended the steps and crossed to where Stolas sat bowed in defeat. You placed a steadying hand beneath his arm. “I’m sorry,” you murmured, helping him to his feet, “I couldn’t do more.”

“You did more than enough,” he said softly. “More than I expected. I know my daughter is safe. That is… everything.”

He squeezed your hand once—grateful, shaking, then turned and trudged away. You watched him go, sadness tugging at your chest like an old, familiar ache.

You didn’t stand alone for long.

A burst of honey-sweet perfume heralded Beelzebub before she even fully materialized beside you. “There you are, girl!” she exclaimed, grabbing your shoulders. “Where have you been? You and Lu haven’t shown up to one of my parties in forever!”

You huffed a laugh. “Last time you told me to ‘let loose,’ I was drunk for a week.”

Beel flicked her hair dismissively. “Pshhh, so what? You needed it!”

Before you could answer, Ozzie swept in, arms already open. “Darling,” he purred, pulling you into a surprisingly tight hug, “it’s been too long.”

You smiled against his shoulder until suddenly there were more voices, more hands, more towering figures closing in, every Sin eager for answers, for gossip, for updates on you and Lucifer, on your return, on what you planned next—

Nope. Not now.

You snapped your fingers. A portal roared open, spiralling like a hungry vortex. “I’ll contact you all later!” you shouted over the swell of complaints and demands.

Then you reached back, grabbed Alastor by his hand, and yanked him through with you—leaving six bewildered, mildly offended Sins behind in the courtroom as the portal snapped shut like a door slammed in their faces.

*

The portal spat the two of you out back in your office. You barely took a step before your shoulders sagged—just a fraction, just enough that anyone less perceptive than he would have missed it. He stood perfectly still, cane held loosely in his hand as he watched you exhale, long and deep, before lowering yourself onto your chair.

You had been magnificent in that court—sharp-tongued, commanding, practically humming with authority. The kind of raw, unrestrained power that made something in him purr with a hunger he had not indulged in decades.

Alastor’s grin softened, not out of empathy, but contemplation. Every moment with you peeled back another sliver of mystery. Every decision, every quip, every burst of wrath or wit… he learned something new.

What you valued. What you feared. What you hid. And most importantly… what you needed.

He stepped closer, adjusting his bowtie as if preparing for a performance. “So,” he said lightly, “where were we in our earlier conversation? You never gave me your answer.”

You lifted your head sluggishly, eyes half-lidded with exhaustion. “Alastor,” you sighed, rubbing your temple, “just… do some courtship gestures in front of the hotel guests. Bring flowers or some shit.”

Your head hit the desk with a low, exhausted thump. You closed them for just a moment.

A mistake.

“My, my… It’s almost impressive how you and the king have allowed such disarray to run amok. All this power, and nothing to show for it.”

Your brow twitched. With a slow exhale, you leaned back in your chair and met his gaze. “We’re more than a few millennia old, Alastor. This kind of bullshit gets boring after a while.”

He hummed thoughtfully. But he was not done. “More excuses?” he crooned. “How disappointing. I would never have expected that from you.”

Your jaw tensed. He stepped closer, close enough that his grin gleamed like a razor. “I see how the others behave in your presence. Unruly children, the lot of them. And you—” his eyes flicked over you, amused “—have such a soft spot for them. But every child needs discipline.”

You stared back, bored, unamused. “So what?” you drawled. “You want to be the ruler now?”

Alastor’s laugh was bright, delighted, and sharp enough to cut. “Heavens no! I simply want to be judge, jury, and executioner.” He tilted his head, static whispering faintly around him. “Much better than your current… incompetence.”

Your glare sharpened. “Alastor,” you warned, voice low, “watch it. You don’t know anything about me.”

His grin widened. “Oh, but I do,” he said softly. “Picking up the King’s slack. Trying to keep things together after the Queen’s… unfortunate disappearance. And you’re failing rather spectacularly.”

Your fingers dug into the armrest. “Enough,” you said coldly.

But Alastor was already on a roll. “And I can’t help but wonder,” he continued, “why the king has been pestering you about finding love again. Is it because you simply can’t move on from your former paramour?” His grin twisted cruelly. “How pathetic.”

That was the line.

Your demon form surged before he even finished the last syllable. A pulse of blistering golden light filled the room. The air cracked.

Alastor barely had time to blink before luminous chains erupted from the floor, snapping tight around his wrists with a sound like cracking bone. He was yanked downward—knees slamming against the ground—your power pulling him into a forced bow.

Another chain materialized, coiling around his throat like a serpent of molten gold. You tugged. His head snapped upward, forced to meet your gaze.

“Know your place,” you hissed, voice warped by divine fury. “Do not mistake my lenience for weakness.”

You leaned down, chains rattling, your glare bright enough to burn.

“Your entire existence is a speck in my eternal life,” you whispered. “You are nothing. D̸̠̪̊̉̏I̷̘͎̼̓D̵̜͂ ̴͓̓̀Y̴̢̨̽̍͌Ơ̵̜̽̄Ü̶̦͝ͅ ̴͍͈T̴͕̈́̅̀Ŗ̵̀U̵̲̱͓͆̽̈L̶̞͍̈́̒Y̶̹̘̖̒̃ ̷̬Ṱ̸͛̾̕H̶̛͕͊I̷̛̩N̴̪̓K̷̭̈͊́ ̴Y̵̗͓̎͗̃O̷̼̳̒͠U̴̝͂̑ ̶͇C̴̞̮͖͆̑͝A̵̱̔̄Ǹ̴͎̳̎́ ̸̪P̴̳͉̾͌̿L̸̩̱̅͛͘A̴͈̔́Ỷ̷̥̞̊̆ ̴̪Ẁ̵̠̑͆ͅI̵̩̎̒͠T̴̾ͅḤ̵̩͈̈́͂̈́ ̶M̶͍̰̣͂̋͝Ė̷̱͋, ̷͈͕̆̿͊S̶̢̊Ī̷̢̥̣̈́̒N̵̳̰̑̽̕N̸̯̥̙̈́̈́͊Ĕ̴̙̲͠R̷̻̙̒͗?̵̾͊ͅ

Alastor’s breath hitched as the chain tightened, digging into his neck. 

You yanked again. “Ă̶̳̱̺͍̥͚̿̑̂͠N̴͔̼̺͔̈́͑͐́̚͜͝ͅS̶͉̝͆̿̒̋̇́̕W̷̤̣̓͑̃̐̑ͅÉ̶̩̦̭ͅȒ̴̛̠͈̺̦͇́̿̂̄ ̴̦̯͓̋̃͂͝M̸̢̙͎͘Ẹ̴̠̳͇̣͊̾͒̕ͅ” you commanded.

His voice came strained, gravelly, forced out between clenched teeth. “…no.”

You released the chains instantly. His body sagged forward, palms hitting the floor as he sucked in a rough breath. The golden bindings dissolved into dust.

You turned away with a bored yawn, stretching your arms over your head. “You’re dismissed,” you said casually, already walking toward the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another sacrifice you have to make is becoming an early riser. The Na’vi tend to wake up as soon as there is daylight and the Sully’s wake up even earlier when there is going to be an attack on the RDA supply lines.

You’re having a pleasant albeit sweaty dream when you’re disturbed by the sound of several feet shuffling around you. Even though they try to remain as quite as possible as to not wake you, six bodies moving around in a small open area is bound to create enough noise to wake you.

Tuk is the first one to notice you waking up. “Mommy’s awake!” With all the enthusiasm of a happy child who forgets the size difference between you two, Tuk tackles you into a hug knocking the wind out of your drowsy body. “Tuk, you know you can’t jump on her like that anymore, you’re bigger than her now.” Jake scolds causing Tuk to pout, her big yellow eyes are starting to gloss over. “I’m sorry sa’nu, did I hurt you?” She looks like she’s going to cry any second now fearing that she’s hurt you. You pull the child into your lap with ease, cuddling her like you used to when she was much smaller. “I’m okay Tuk-Tuk. You just startled me.”

Tuk starts to add more braids into your hair as the others get ready for the raid, Kiri eventually comes to braid your hair as well. Days like this always makes you nervous; even though you know that Jake and Neytiri are excellent warriors you still worry for their wellbeing, but today Neteyam and Lo’ak are joining so your nerves are worse than usual. They’re putting on their war paint and you can’t help but to stare at them. Kiri seems to notice this and places a gentle hand on your shoulder, even when she was young Kiri was in tune with others emotions and that skill has only improved as she’s gotten older.

“Alright you to fall in.” Your attention is grabbed when Jake motions to your sons. “Remember you two are to stay on your ikrans at all times. You spot the enemy and you call it in, that is all. Do I make myself clear?” “Yes sir.”

Soon all of you are out of your marui and make your way to the entrance of High Camp with the other warriors readying their ikrans. You’re busy fussing over your sons making sure they have everything they need. 

“Did you tighten your bow strings?” “Yes, mom.” 

“And you packed extra arrows right?” “Yes.”

‘You checked your throat mic-“ “Sa’nu I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry so much.” Lo’ak sighs from his squatting position in front of you.

“I’m your mother, I’ll ever stop worry about you.” You ruffle his hair causing him to give out half-hearted complaints and you turn your head to look at Neteyam who’s also squatting in front of you. “And do you have everything you need?” Neteyam gives you a small smile, he already knew you were going to ask him that. “Yep! Triple checked and everything.”

You reach out to cup their one of their cheeks in you hands, careful to not smudge the paint. “It seems like yesterday you two were having your first communion with Eywa and look at you now, my little warriors.” “How can you call us little when we have to squat to be eye level with you.” Lo’ak jokes, you raise your hand from his cheek to lightly pinch his ear. “Even when you both are ten feet tall and a hundred years old you’ll still be my little boys.”

Eventually your mates make their way to you. “MaSyulang, we have to leave now.” Neytiri kneels down to press a soft kiss to the top of your head. “Okay.” You bring your attention back to your boys. “Promise me you’ll be safe.” “We will.” They say in unison and you turn to look at Lo’ak specifically, “Don’t do anything dangerous or stupid.” Lo’ak looks slightly offended, “Why’re you looking at me?” You give him a deadpan stare and he shuts up. “Fight well my little warriors.” You give both of them a kiss on the forehead after taking of your mask for a moment. 

“My love, you’re gonna drill a hole in the back of their heads if you keep staring.” You weren’t aware of your staring and you weren’t aware of Jake kneeling beside you. “I’m just a little worried.” You lean into his side. “They’ll be fine my love, we’ll be fine.” Neytiri engulfs your hands in hers, she always knows how to make your nerves lessen. “We have to go now baby, we’ll see you later.” Jake gets up to walk away but before he can you grab his wrist. “You forgot something.” You tap on your mask, gesturing to your lips. Jake just smirks before lifting the mask to give you a deep but short kiss and Neytiri follows suit before you need to put your mask on. 

“Please don’t spend all day in that human lab while we’re gone.” Neytiri’s dislike for the lab never fails to make you laugh. “Don’t worry Tiri, I was actually planning to help Mo’at and then weave some items with Kiri.” This makes her smile and press her forehead on your covered one. 

“I see you.”

“I love you.”

Jake breaks you two out of your embrace when he calls for Neytiri. You hate to let her go, but you know she has to. As you watch them fly off on their ikrans, you can’t help but to pray to Eywa for their safety.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

You enjoy spending time with your mother-in-law; being Tsahìk meant that Mo’at had vast knowledge of Pandoran plants and medicine. It’s like every day you spend with her you learn something new. Sometimes you fear that you annoy her with your never-ending questions, but she has assured you that she enjoys talking about Eywa’s creations especially with someone who shares the same enthusiasm as her late-daughter, Sylwanin. On days the warriors are out on raids, you help Mo’at prepare medicine and pastes for the injured.

“Ma’itetsyìp, what is on your mind. You have been asking a lot about medicine for the brain.”  You freeze, stopping the grinding of the spices in your molcajete. “N-nothing’s on my mind.” You stutter. Mo’at raises a hairless eyebrow, clearly not believing your words. “Oh, so those questions have nothing to do with your dream walker body?” Your eyes go wide as you stare in disbelief at the Tsahìk, was one of her abilities mind reading?

“How did you know?” She gives a small smile, “I am Tsahìk. So tell me Ma’ite what has brought this about?” You sigh knowing that there’s no point in lying to her.

“It’s been 15 years Mo’at, I miss that body. I miss being able to be outside without a mask. I miss being able to eat all the meat I want without getting stomach cramps. I miss being next to my mates without feeling like a child. I miss being able to make tsaheylu with them.” You can feel tears prickling your eyes and your grip tightening on the stone masher in your hand. “I want to be able to hug my children without them worrying about breaking my ribs. I want to fly with my family. I want to feel like I truly am one of The People again.”

Mo’at lets you finish your rant before speaking. “You have passed all of the rites of passage of the Omatikaya. You are on of The People.” You sniffle a little. “I know that I technically am one of The People. But it doesn’t feel right to call myself that in this body. In the body that hasn’t and could never go through the rites of passage.” The elder Na’vi closes the distance between you two. “And you think Na’vi medicine will help you get that body back?” You nod while you look at the molcajete still in your hands. “I’ve been trying for for over a decade to fix her brain; but with the limited resources here in the lab I’ve barely made any changes.” You finally look at Mo’at, “But maybe Na’vi medicine can help. I know my avatar is probably a lost cause at this point, but I can’t stop trying.”

It’s almost unnerving how calm Mo’at remains while you are starting to spiral. “Have you talked to my daughter and Jakesully about this?” You shake your head. “No, there’s no way I could. Neytiri is skeptical of human technology and Jake he wouldn’t let me risk it, not after last time I tried to link thinking her brain was working. They’ve practically forbidden me from trying anything with my Avatar. And the children, I can’t let them get their hopes up. It’d crush them if I kept failing.”

Mo’at sighs, “It may be possible to heal your other body with the medicine of The People. But Ma’itetsyìp, you should discuss how you feel with your mates.”

“No!” You shout almost too quickly. “They can never know. Not unless I know with certainty that my avatar is healed and I’m 100 percent certain that I can link with her safely. Please don’t say anything Mo’at. Please keep this between us.” You plead. Before Mo’at can say anything the curtains to the healers hut is opened revealing your two daughters. 

“There you are mommy! We looked all over the lab for you but Norm and Max said you didn’t come in!” Tuk whines hopping over you to carefully engulf you in a hug. When Kiri walks over she notices your still glossy eyes. “Sa’nu, are you okay? You look like you’ve been crying.”

You quickly lift you mask to wipe away your tears. “It’s nothing Kiri, me and your grandmother were just reminiscing about your aunt, Sylwanin. I guess I got a little emotional.” You hate how easily you were able to come up with that lie but you didn’t want her worrying about you.

“Sa’nu, you promised us that you’d help us weave some clothes for you. Can we go do that now.” Tuk pleads childishly. You look at Mo’at and she speaks up before you can say anything. “Go Ma’itetsyìp. Maybe go and make some proper Na’vi clothing too.” Mo’at jokes, your family doesn’t really like that you still wear human clothing. But you also know that Mo’at rarely jokes so this is her way of letting you know that your secret is safe with her even though she doesn’t agree with it.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Weaving was never something you thought about while you lived on Earth, you were too busy studying Na’vi and preparing for the Avatar program. But since you’ve made your life here on Pandora, you’ve picked up a few hobbies from the Omatikaya. It took a while to learn the patterns of the Omatikaya, but eventually you did and weaving became one of your favorite activities. It was therapeutic, the constant repeating motions and the gentle hum of the weaving song always seemed to calm you. One of the first items you completed all on your own was a baby carrier for Neytiri when she was pregnant with Neteyam. You loved weaving especially when you were doing so with your family.

“Sa’nu, what do you think of this.” Kiri reveals a suspiciously human sized Na’vi top. Well top was an overstatement by human standards; this was a bunch of beautifully and intricately woven cords and beads. By human standards, it was more akin to a necklace that barely covers your nipples than a top.

“It is beautiful Kiri.” Her face lights up and you can see her tail wagging excitedly. “You should try it on so I can see how it fits you!” You look away, “Kiri, you know that’s much too revealing for me.”

She rolls her eyes at your protest. “You and your weird tawtute modesty. I’d wear this top.” She gestures to herself wearing a very similar style. “Yes but you are Na’vi and I am human.” “So?” Kiri groans failing to see the issue. Suddenly you feel arms wrap around you and Tuk placing her cheek on your shoulder. “Please wear it mommy. It’d look so pretty on you and I made some waist beads for you too.” Tuk looks at you with big pleading yellow eyes. The combination of her pouting, large eyes, and wagging tail reminds you of puppy and you can feel you resolve crumbling. Everyone knows that Tuk’s puppy dog eyes are your weakness; she could probably get away with murder with that look. “You two planned this didn’t you.” You sigh knowing you couldn’t deny Tuk any longer. You’ve fallen for her act hook, line, and sinker. “Fine I’ll wear it.” Both of the girls start cheering, happy that their plan was a success. “But there is no way I’ll wear a tewng too.” Tuk deflates and you can see a mischievous glint in Kiri’s eyes, she’s definitely plotting a way to eventually get you into full Na’vi attire.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

The rest of the afternoon is rather uneventful; you’ve ditched your tank top to wear the top and waistbands your daughters made for you, Kiri is helping Spider put on his blue stripes, and Tuk is running around with her toy ikran probably playing with Popiti, Norm’s daughter.

You’ve mostly gotten over the embarrassment of wearing the revealing top since its only you, Kiri, and Spider in the marui, but you’re sure that you’d explode from embarrassment when other people see you. You take your mind off your future embarrassment by focusing on weaving leg guards for Lo’ak just as you did for Neteyam after he passed his Iknimaya. Your mind drifts off to your sons and mates, they should be back soon, you can only pray to Eywa that they return unscathed. Your thoughts are interrupted by the sound of a horn bellowing and Tuk’s excited yelling.

“Sanu, Kiri, Spider! The war party has come back!”  Almost instantaneously the children rush out of the marui before you even get a chance to stand up. By the time you are near the entrance of camp you can clearly see Jake scolding Neteyam and Lo’ak. 

“Dad—sir, I take full responsibility.”

“Yeah you do. That’s right. ‘Cause you’re the older brother, you gotta act like it.”

The closer you get you can see Neteyam’s ears and tail fall down from the scolding and soon you see all of the scraps and blood that is littering his body; you can’t help but to run up to him.

“MaJake, your son is actually bleeding.”

“Mother, it’s fine. I…”

“Neteyam! Are you okay?” You immediately start examining his wounds. From where you stand nothing looks major, but these defiantly shouldn’t have happened if he was just supposed to be a spotter. You’re so focused on Neteyam’s injuries that you barely register Neytiri guiding him to Mo’at’s marui until you hear Jake reprimand Lo’ak.

“You do understand that you almost got your brother killed.”

Lo’ak’s ears fall ever so slightly but he maintains eye contact with Jake, “Yes sir.”

Jake sighs, “You’re grounded. No flying for a month. Now, see to the ikran. All of ‘em.” “Yes sir.” “And get that crap off your face.” Jake walks off before you can even ask him what’s happened. All you can do is turn your attention to Lo’ak so you can examine his body and interrogate him about what happened.

You give a sigh of relief when you see that there aren’t any injuries on him, only superficial scrapes and cuts. “Lo’ak come down here.” He reluctantly squats down. No bleeding on his face either, good. You cup his face in your hands. “Ma’itan, what happened? Why’s Neteyam bleeding? Are you okay?” Unlike with Jake Lo’ak refuses to meet you in the eye. “Lo’ak, tell me what’s going on.” “Mom, please…” He sighs dejectedly. You don’t push him any further, you’re sure Jake and Neytiri will fill you in anyways. “Okay, just tell me that you’re not hurt.” “I’m fine.” Lo’ak walks off to tend to the ikran just as his father instructed. It’s a little frustrating to be blown off by everyone, especially since you know it tends to happen when tensions rise.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Hearing any of your children cry out in pain always breaks your heart, it’s even worse when Neteyam is the one crying out in pain because you know how much he hates feeling weak and vulnerable in front of his siblings. You can’t help but feel bad since you’re technically the cause of all his wincing sine you’re helping Mo’at apply the stinging medicine all over his back and shoulders.

“I would use yalna bark.” Mo’at raises her hairless brow at Kiri’s statement. “Oh, you would? And who’s Tsahìk?” Kiri continues to walk over. “You are grand…move!” She pushes Lo’ak out of the way. “You are grandmother. But yalna bark is better. It stings less.” While Kiri is right about yalna bark stinging less, but your time with Mo’at has taught you that yalna back slower at healing compared to what she’s using right now, so for warriors like Neteyam this current medicine is best even though it stings like a bitch. You hear Lo’ak teasing his brother by calling a “mighty warrior,” which earns Lo’ak another glare before lets out another yelp of pain.

In the corner of your eye you can see Neytiri crouching down to Jake who’s fiddling with his gun, you make a mental note to have a conversation with them.

“I have finished” Mo’at states as she puts the medicinal paste jar on the floor beside her, “Don’t do anything strenuous tomorrow and make sure to wash the paste off by the afternoon. You can continue your normal duties after tomorrow.” Neteyam sighs in relief, finally free from the constant stinging of the paste. “Thank you, grandmother.”

You all leave Mo’at’s marui and you tell the kids to make their way to the communal eating area so you can talk to your mates. When you notice Jake’s glossy eyes you immediately run over and throw your arms over his shoulders since he’s still squatting. “MaJake, what happened?” You hear him sniffle a little as he wraps his arms around your waist and nudges his head into the crook of your neck. “I thought I lost them.” He says it so quietly that you almost miss it. All you can do is is comfort him by caressing his hair and letting him hold you. “It’s okay. They’re okay, Jake.” Neytiri comes around so she can hug Jake’s back. The three of you stay like this until Jake has calmed down.

“Come let’s eat, I’m sure you’re starving right now.” You grab his hands in yours. “You take care of everyone, it’s time we take care of you.” You try to lead him towards the communal eating area but obviously Jake is too heavy to drag him; he’s just staring at you like you’ve hung the stars in the sky. Before you can say anything, Jake stands up grabbing you in one hand, startling you. You gasp and wrap your arms around his neck for stability even though you know he’d never drop you, it’s still jarring being nearly nine feet in the air. “Jake, put me down.” You giggle as you playfully kick your feet. “I love you yawne.” You feel Jake trace random squiggles on your exposed waist and you’re reminded of your attire. Your face starts to heat up at the realization and when you feel Neytiri walk over to play with your waist beads, you try to hide your face in Jake’s chest. “You look so beautiful in Na’vi clothes. You should only wear the clothes of my people.” Neytiri accentuates her point by tugging on the belt loop of your shorts. “I’m not going to wear a tewng Tiri.” You mumble into Jake’s chest causing to two Na’vi to laugh at you as you make your way to eat with the rest of the Omatikaya. 

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

It’s been a few days since the raid on the RDA’s maglev. Jake, Neytiri, and Neteyam are out scouting on their ikrans; Lo’ak, Kiri, Tuk, and Spider are probably out somewhere exploring the forest floor; and you have been stuck in the lab trying to conduct research on plants that may help your Avatar but it’s been to no avail. 

With a heavy sigh, you get up from your desk and make your way to the area of the lab where your and Grace’s Avatars reside. You look lovingly at the body that felt more like home than your current one. You can still remember the feeling of the first time you linked, it was a little weird having ears that seemed to move on their own and a tail that couldn’t help but knock things over; but by the time you got used to your new body you could only describe the feeling as liberating. You can’t help but smile when you remember how it felt to take a bite out of a Spartan fruit for the first time; it was juicy and oh so sweet, nothing like any of the poor excuses of fruit that still existed on Earth. If only you could trade your current body for your Avatars.

When you’ve had enough of reminiscing of the past you decide to put on your mask to talk a walk around camp to clear your head. You lost track of time inside the lab and are a little shocked when you see that its night and there are no signs of any of the Sully’s. They all should be back by now especially the children who would’ve made their presence known to you by joining you in the lab. Before you panic you take a look inside your marui; nobody’s there. There’s no sight on any of their ikrans either. With shaky hands you reach for the communication device strapped to your neck. “MaJake, where are you?”

No answer.

“Neytiri.”

“Neteyam.”

“Lo’ak!”

“Somebody, answer me…please…”

You’re nerves are getting the best of you. Normally someone would have answered you by now. The only explanation you can think of why they aren’t answering is because they’re in danger. If only you could link up to your Avatar you would have flown out of camp on your ikran  to find them. 

“Yawne, we’re okay, everyone’s okay.” Jake finally responds but he sounds out of breath and his voice is shaky. “What happened?” Is all you can manage to choke out. “We’ll talk when we get back.”

The wait for their arrival was agonizing, your mind is spiraling with all the possibilities of what could have happened. You’re pacing a little too close to the camp’s entrance. Time feels like its stopped until you hear the familiar screeching of ikran, you release your breath you didn’t know you were holding. You immediately rush over to check on your children. They’re soaked and have a few scrapes on them but at least there doesn’t seem to be any wounds. You turn your attention towards your mates and being to examine them for any injuries. “My loves, what happened?” 

“Let’s talk somewhere private.” Jake walks off to your marui, you can see how tense his muscles are and his brow remained in a permanent furrowed position. “You all stay out here.” Neytiri addresses the children before she guides you to the marui.

Inside the marui you see Jake hunched over in a squatting position with his head buried in his hands. You walk in front of Jake and gently remove his hands from his face so you can make eye contact with him. “You’re worrying me, Jake. Please tell me what’s going on.” The look he gives you stops your heart, you see pure fear and confusion swarming in his eyes. “It’s Quaritch…he’s back.”

“What?” You say in disbelief. “What do you mean? Quaritch is back? How? Didn’t Neytiri kill him?”

“Look I don’t know how but he’s back. I don’t know what the RDA did but he’s like an Avatar now!” Jake snaps startling you a little. He’s normally so calm and collected, but seeing the blue ghost of someone who should be dead has clearly shaken him. “All those sec-ops fucks should be dead! But somehow they’re not! And they had our kids!”

Neytiri crouches down to place a comforting hand on Jake’s shoulder blade. “What are we going to do MaJake?” He just shakes his head, “Fuck I don’t know…I don’t know.” It pains you to see your husband like this. “Look we’ll figure something out, and we’ll do it together. But right now you two need rest. We’ll think of nothing with you both mentally and physically exhausted.” You caress their cheeks. “Go on and wash up for bed. I’ll go check on the children.”

As you expected the children were already cleaned up and peaking through the cracks of the marui eavesdropping on your conversation. You can’t help but notice that lack of one child in particular. “Where’s Spider.” All of their ears and tails drop. “They took him.” Kiri’s voice cracks and her eyes are watering. You pull her into a hug and she let’s go of the emotions she’s been holding in. “He’ll be okay ma’ite. Everything will be okay.” You pray to Eywa that your words aren’t hollow.

That night Jake holds everyone tighter than normal. Even with everyone asleep, he remains wide awake, just staring at the roof of the marui.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

The next morning was tense, the kids were immediately shoo’d out of the marui and right now Neytiri and Jake are arguing over his plan while you’re sitting on a box trying to process everything.

“This thing. This. Quaritch. Whatever he is…he can walk right in here. He can walk right under Eywa’s nose.”

“This is our family. This is our home.” Neytiri shouts, her tail stiffening.

“This is about our family. This is about our little ones.”

“I cannot. You cannot ask this.” Neytiri walks around the marui clearly exasperated. “I cannot leave my people. I will not.”

“He’s hunting us. He’s targeting our family.” Jake states calmly standing at the marui’s entrance.

“You cannot ask this!” Neytiri hisses at him. “The children. Everything they’ve ever known. The forest. This is our home!”

“He had our children. He had ‘em under his knife!” Jake emphasizes his point with a hand gesture and Neytiri walks to the spot in the marui where her father’s bow rests.

She presents the bow in front of Jake. “My father gave me this bow as he lay dying.” Her voice is starting to crack. “And he said protect The People. You’re Toruk Makto!”

“This will protect The People! Quaritch has Spider. And that kid knows everything. He knows our whole operation, and he can lead them right in here.” Jake takes a step to Neytiri,  maintaining eye contact with her. “In The People harbor us, they will die. Do you understand?”

There’s a short moment of silence while Neytiri tries to digest Jake’s words. “Look, I got nothing. I got no plan…But I can protect this family. That I can do.” Neytiri sighs, placing a hand on her head trying to prevent any tears from escaping her eyes. Jake closes the distance between them by placing his hands on her shoulders, “I know one thing. Wherever we go, this family is our fortress.” The two embrace as Neytiri reluctantly accepts Jake’s idea. “I need a moment to myself.”  Neytiri walks out of the marui leaving you and Jake alone.

“So where will we go?” You finally speak up, Jake stiffens at the sound of your voice. He avoids direct eye contact as he squats to where you are. “I’m sorry baby, but you can’t come.” 

You scoff in disbelief, “What? Why not?”

Jakes lips form a thin line before he speaks again. “Look baby, the Metkayina may have a hard time accepting us as forest people. They’ve never encountered humans but they’ve definitely heard the horror stories. It wouldn’t be safe for you there, it’s better for you to stay here.” You can’t even form a response, you just stare at him in pure disbelief. “Quaritch has seen all of us, he knows about the existence of the children. But he doesn’t know about you baby.”

You can feel tears prickling your eyes but you hold back. “MaJake you can’t be serious. Surely the Metkayina will see that I am not like those humans. For fucks sake I have passed my Iknimaya and I have survived Uniltaron; I have gone through all of the rites of passage for the Omatikaya. I am Omatikaya. I have proven myself to be one of The People.”

Jake looks exasperated, as if you and Neytiri are making things more difficult than they need to be. “Baby, you’re human.” You shoot him an annoyed look. “Don’t baby me. You were also human and that doesn’t change that you are one of The People now. The same applies to me.”

His hands shoot up to hushed, he’s getting more and more stressed and annoyed as the argument continues. “Your Avatar did all of that stuff. I’m in the body that did all of that stuff, you aren’t; that’s the difference.” You blink back the tears that are forming, he hit an insecurity you haven’t told him about.

You seem to have forgotten why that’s the case, Jake.

You take a deep breath. “And what of the children? You can’t expect me to be away from my children for an indefinite amount of time. They need their mother.” Your voice is beginning to crack.

“Their mother will be with them, they’ll be fine without you.”

His words breaks your heart. It’s like he knew how to target all of your insecurities. It both saddens and infuriates you. “So what am I then.” You hate how weak your voice is at the moment. Jake just groans like you’re being overdramatic. “Don’t be like this.”

“Don’t be like what Jake? Like someone who was just told by her husband that she isn’t a mother?” You’re beyond furious right now and it’s only made worse with Jake rolls his eyes at you. “You know what I meant.”

You look at Jake straight in his eyes. “If I’m not their mother then what am I Jake? Just some human babysitter?”  You poke at his chest. “If you think that I’m not their mother because I’m human and couldn’t give birth to them, then what does that make us?” You poke him once more. “Are we not mates because this isn’t the body that made tsaheylu with you as you mated before Eywa? Am I just some whore you can shove your cock into? Are you just keeping around as a toy—” “Enough, y/n!” Jake shoots up to his full height towering over you even more than normal since you’re still sitting on the box.

“I am the Olo’eyktan, I have decided! It is decided! You will stay here.”

You bite your inner bottom lip, trying not to cry as you crane your head up to maintain eye contact with the angry Na’vi. “Alright, Olo’eyktan.” You sarcastically retort as you exit the marui. You ignore the concerned comments from your children as you practically run to your room inside the lab. As soon as the door to your room closes, you start sobbing. All of your fears and insecurities come crashing down. 

For the next few days you avoid Jake like the plague. By now Neytiri and the children have found out that you won’t be leaving with them and nothing they say has changed Jake’s mind. All you can do is spend as much time with them as possible. A part of you dies when the day you family departs finally arrives. Tuk has been inseparable from you all day, her tears have been soaking you shoulder all morning; you have to rub her back gently to prevent your own tears from falling.

“Are you sure you can’t come mommy?” Tuk’s little sniffles breaks your heart. You pull the girl closer to you. “I’m sorry Tuk, I have to stay.” You ruffle the girls hair trying to keep a smile on your face. “How about this, everyday after eclipse we’ll look at the brightest star in the sky, and every time you miss me just remember that no matter how far apart we are from each other that we’ll be looking at the same star together.” You words reassure Tuk just a little bit and she gives you one last big squeeze before making her away over to her grandmother.

You walk over to Kiri who’s beside her ikran. You dig inside your cargo shorts for the neatly folded woven shawl you made for her. She tears up when you present the gift to her. “This is for you my little angel.” She can’t help but smile even as her lips are trembling slightly, “Oh mom, you didn’t have to.” She pulls you into a hug. “Of course I did. You made such a pretty top for me, I had to make something for you too.” You drape the shawl over her shoulders, carefully adjusting it as you do so. “Now I can always hug you even when I’m not with you.”

You make your way to your sons. Lo’ak can’t help but crouch down to tackle you into a hug. “I can’t believe you’re staying here. I’m gonna miss you mom.” Lo’ak normally tries to act stoic but in this situation it’d be impossible for him to do so. “I’m going to miss you too ma’itan.” Lo’ak rests his head on your shoulder. “I wish you could come.” His words are muffled but you understood everything. “I do too. But promise me this, don’t cause too much trouble while I’m away.” Lo’ak reluctantly agrees still holding onto you tightly. “Bro, you’re gonna squish sa’nu if you hold her any tighter.” Neteyam squats down to you and Lo’ak begrudgingly lets you go. You ruffle Neteyam’s hair a little and he giggles. “My little warrior please make sure to take care of yourself as well. I know you want to be there for your siblings but you shouldn’t neglect yourself.” You pull Neteyam into a hug, “I’ll do my best mom.”

Neytiri is that last one you meet up with. She’s taking the leave harder than anyone else. She’s always been deeply connected to the forest and her people so having to leave all that behind is like losing a peace of her identity. Tears are still streaking down after saying her goodbyes with her mother. “MaNeytiri, come here please.” Neytiri falls into your outstretched arms. “MaSyulang, Jake is a skxawng. You shouldn’t be left behind.” You rub Neytiri’s back. “I know my love, I know hard this is for you. But I need you to be strong for the children.” You place your small hand over her heart, “Strong heart.” Neytiri wipes away her tears and places her forehead on top of your mask. 

“I see you.”

“I see you too.” 

This seems to have triggered Neytiri’s tears to fall once more. Normally you’d respond with ‘I love you’, but today it feels more appropriate to say it in a way to resonates with Neytiri more. Your ribs are definitely going to be sore in the morning with the way she’s embracing you, but you can’t bring yourself to care. “I didn’t think I’d ever be separated from you again, tsmuke.” Her voice cracks. “I know, I know, my love. But this time won’t be like the last.” You reassure her shaking form. Over Neytiri’s shoulder, you can see Jake peering over at you, he looks like he wants to say something, you’ve been ignoring him since your argument; his words truly hurt you and you’re still mad at him. You’re not ready to forgive him. Your attention is brought back to Neytiri, she seems to have calmed down a little. You look at her in her eyes. Even with puffy eyes, she’s still beautiful, one of the most beautiful people you’ve met in your life. It’s going to be hard to not see her everyday, but you’ve done it before, surely you can do it again. Knowing that your time together is limited you lift your mask to press your lips to Neytiri’s, bringing her into a deep passionate kiss. Your lips are perfectly molded against each others. You both cup each others cheeks to bring each other even closer. With your thumb you try to wipe away some of the tear streaks on Neytiri’s face. You want to stay kissing her for as long as possible, going so far as to ignore the burning sensation in your lungs. Much to your dismay, Neytiri breaks the kiss knowing that you need to breath.

Somehow you managed to keep your tears at bay, but as soon as their ikrans are far in the horizon, you can’t stop the waterfall of tears from leaving your eyes.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

The days are all a blur. You’ve long since lost track of the time your family has been gone. The only thing that’s kept your sense of time relatively on track is the promise you make to Tuk. 

Most days you’ve focused on your research, neglecting your body and mind. Mo’at, Norm, and Max are worried about your declining health, but nothing they’ve said or tried has gotten through to you. 

Its been days, weeks, or months since you’ve last held your family in your arm, you don’t even know at this point. You yearn to hear Tuk’s enthusiastic giggles and Lo’ak’s terrible jokes. You miss weaving with Kiri. You miss lounging around the lab with Neteyam. You miss singing and dancing with Neytiri. And no matter how much you hate to admit it right now, you miss Jake and talking to him about your lives before Pandora. On the days you especially miss your family, you turn to the little book you have stashed inside of your desk drawer. It’s a photo album you’ve made just before you left Earth. You wanted to document your life on Pandora, you’re glad you’ve kept up with this even after over a decade of living here.

You flip through the pages until you reach one of your milestone photos, it’s the photo you took when Grace’s school opened and you met Neytiri, Tsu’tey, and Sylwanin for the very first time.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

You we’re so excited that day, you had only been on pandora for a month at that point, but because you were still very young, you were chosen to help Grace at the school since she thought the Na’vi would feel more comfortable with someone close in age.

You had left the school with a small basket hoping to forage for some fruits to act as a snack for the children. You didn’t think that they would enjoy human snacks, so it’d be better to give them something they’re familiar with. You were desperate to make a good impression. Although you had some knowledge of Pandoran botany, you came to the moon as a linguist and anthropologist, so trying to figure out what was edible and what wasn’t was a bit of a challenge. You really should’ve asked Grace what to pick. You had already picked a few fruits but something that was hanging off a branch caught your eye. It is quite high up but despite your better judgement you decided to climb up the tree. You somehow managed to get up the tree but you couldn’t quite reach the fruit and you ended up in a precarious position.

“What is that demon doing?” 

The sound of a male Na’vi speaking startled you and you ended up falling off the tree branch with a loud thud. You probably would have been seriously injured if it was your human body that fell from that height. Thankfully your Avatar was much studier so the only thing that was injured was your pride. 

“Are you okay?” You see a girl walk up to you reaching her hand out to help you get up from the bush. That’s when you notice the group of Na’vi of various ages all staring at you. “Yes, I am okay.” The girl seemed shocked that you spoke Na’vi. “You speak Na’vi?” She questioned as you got off the ground. “Yes, I’ve studied it for many years, I hope it’s not too bad.” You look out to address the others, “Are you here to come to Grace’s school?” The male Na’vi seemed annoyed by your question, “Why else would we be so close to your demon camp?”

“I see. Although this isn’t how I hoped our first encounter to go, it’s nice to meet you all. I’m y/n and I’ll be one of your teachers alongside Grace.”

“Y/N? Your name sounds weird.” A different female Na’vi comments. 

“A skxawng who can’t climb a tree properly is going to be our teacher?” The male Na’vi scoffs.

“Neytiri! Tsu’tey! Be nice!” The girl in front of you whips her head at the group to scold the two. “I’m sorry about them, they did not want to come. I’m Sylwanin by the way.”

Sylwanin, Neytiri, and Tsu’tey; those names sounded familiar and all of a sudden a lightbulb goes off in your head. “You’re the Olo’eyktan’s daughter, and that’s your sister. And he’s going to be Olo’eyktan in the future.” Sylwanin’s eyes light up. “You know about us?” You smile at her, “Yes of course! Grace has told me so much about you three. Come, let’s head to the school.”

That was the beginning of your friendship with the older three Na’vi at the school. They picked up the language incredibly fast and you enjoyed learning about their culture and way of life. Even though they were hesitant at first Tsu’tey and Neytiri eventually enjoyed their time at the school. In the blink of an eye several months had passed. Eventually the students started to call you tsmuke just like they called Grace sa’nok.

“Tsmuke, what’s it like on Earth?” Tsu’tey’s question shocked you, he rarely ever cared to learn about life on Earth. You just stared at him for a moment before speaking. “Honestly it sucked. Everything was so polluted and gray. It’s nothing like here. Y’know I never tasted fresh fruit until I came to Pandora.” The three Na’vi just stare at you with wide eyes.

“What does your Great Mother do about that?” Neytiri asks genuinely concerned about your past. “We don’t have a Great Mother like Eywa. If we did, I’m sure that we wouldn’t have a bunch of rich fat fucks who only care about money destroying our planet. It’s like all humans can do is destroy and kill.” You try not to curse around them but it’s hard not to especially when those same people are wanting to do the same thing to Pandora.

“You are not like those people. You’re like an atokirina, you’re a very pure spirit.” Tsu’tey speaks up and Neytiri nods in agreement. “He’s right tsmuke, you see the beauty of nature and life, you see us.”

Your bond with them only grew stronger as time passed. One day it was just you and Sylwanin walking by the river bank, just talking in English as friends.

“You know Neytiri has a little crush on you tsmuke.” Sylwanin teases and you look at her in disbelief, not saying anything. “I’m not lying! My sister definitely likes you, I’ve never seen her look at anyone the way she looks at you!” She defends her statement, “I’m not against it either. I’d love to have you as a sister even if you’re a dreamwalker.”

“What about you and Tsu’tey. You look at him like he’s the most handsome Na’vi around.” You deflect.

“Is it wrong for a woman to find her betrothed handsome? I enjoy admiring Eywa’s creation especially when she took her time with him.” Sylwanin puffs out her chest, not embarrassed at all by her love for Tsu’tey.

Everything was great. Until it wasn’t.

The day everything fell apart was mostly normal, sure Sylwanin and a few other students weren’t at the school but it was nothing about of the ordinary, she was the tsakarem after all and had been angry at the actions of the RDA. 

The lessons were going well until you all heard the distant sound of gunshots and soon a couple of Na’vi children running away from some sec-ops. Everything was a blur and going way too fast. You manage to shield a few of the children but you were rewarded with a few bullets piercing through your skin and your vision blurring. The last thing you see before blacking out is Sylwanin’s body being shot dead at the entrance of the school.

When you finally come to, Grace filled you in on everything. You Avatar was still alive, but three students including Sylwanin were killed by some sec-ops after they attacked and destroyed a few pieces of RDA equipment. The school was closed down and all humans including Avatars were forbidden from entering Omatikaya territory. The news was distressing. You couldn’t help but blame yourself for Sylwanin’s death, if you were a better friend you could have saved her somehow. You couldn’t even say goodbye to her body. You didn’t even get a chance to give your condolences to Neytiri and Tsu’tey who were for sure more devastated about the loss.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

The next photos you reminisce on are the ones you took when Jake came to Pandora and shook up the status quo.

Grace had told you a lot about Tom Sully, who like you was a child prodigy and was selected for the Avatar program as well. Tom’s death was unexpected so you were curious to about the man who would take the place of his twin brother, surely that man would be just as exceptional as his brother.

Let’s just say that Jake didn’t meet your expectations. You didn’t expect him to be a wheelchair bound ex-marine who knew basically nothing about Pandora or the Avatar program. It really seemed as though the RDA didn’t want their five billion dollar Avatar investment to go to waste so they let him join. Grace was less than thrilled about Jake, but you decided to give him a chance, thinking that he could bring a new perspective; him being cute both in human and Avatar form was a plus.

Once Jake and Norm got the hang of their new bodies, you joined them and Grace to explore the Pandoran ecosystem. Seeing the old school brought back painful memories, both you and Grace dodged their questions; the bullet holes littering the walls made it clear what happened.

Jake had a bad habit of wandering around so you decided to follow him while Grace and Norm we’re geeking out about the Pandoran neural network. Who knew that decision would have you chased by a thanator and lost in the forest at night with the skxawng. 

While Pandora is beautiful at night, it’s also incredibly dangerous. The distant giggling of viperwolves was terrifying, it was even more so when Jake made a torch illuminating the pack. Fighting them back was a challenge, you thank Eywa that you still remember some of the survival tips Tsu’tey taught you. Unfortunately for you, one of the viperwolves managed to trip causing your ankle to twist and for you to yelp out in pain. Jake manages to throw that viperwolf off of you but gets tackled by another one that is trying to munch on his face. He’s only saved by an arrow shot by a female Na’vi. You don’t get a good glimpse at her face as she fights off the viperwolves and sadly having to kill a few. You don’t pay too much attention to your savior, you’re too focused on army crawling to your little backpack to find something to use on your ankle.

“Look, I know you probably don’t understand this but, uh…thank you.” Jake crouches down. ‘“Thank you.”

Even from the corner of your eye you could see that the Na’vi was ignoring Jakes presence, only focused on reciting the death prayer.

“That was pretty impressive. We would’ve been screwed if you hadn’t come along. It was…Hey, wait a second. Hey, where are you going?” Just as soon as you manage to make a makeshift splint for your ankle, Jake yanks you up to follow the Na’vi.

“Wait Jake what are you doing. We shouldn’t be following her.” Jake just ignores your protest as he tries to keep up with the mysterious Na’vi, leaving you limp behind them.

“Hey slow down.” The Na’vi continues to ignore Jake.  Her graceful maneuvers around the forest floor is in stark contrast to Jake’s clumsy ones.

“Look, wait up, I just wanted to say thanks for killing those things.” He reaches to grab her upper arm only to be immediately struck down by her backhanding him in the face with her bow causing him to fall.

“Damn!”

“Don’t thank.” She threatens him with the tip of her bow. “You don’t thank for this. This is sad. Very sad only.”

Even though she’s now facing you, you’re still too far away to see what she looks like.

“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry.” Jake tries to see the situation while still sitting on the ground. “Whatever I did, I am sorry.”

“All this is your fault. They did not need to die.”

“My fault? They attacked me. How am I the bad guy?” Jake asks genuinely confused but that only seems to make her more mad as she once again threatens him with her bow hissing “your fault” at him.

“You’re like a baby. Making noise, don’t know what to do.”

Jake finally manages to get up off the ground. “If you love your little forest friends, why not let them just kill our asses? What’s the thinking?” “Why save you?” “Yeah. Why save me?”

“You have a strong heart. No fear.” She says gently, her voice sounds familiar but you’re still too far away to understand why that is. “But stupid! Ignorant like a child!” And with that the Na’vi just walks off, Jake scoffs and gestures for you to hurry up before continuing to follow her.

“Well if I’m like a child then…look, maybe you should teach me.”

“Sky People cannot learn. You do not See.” She seems to be speeding up her pace.

“Well, then teach me how to See.” By now the two are on a log, high above the ground and you’re still in their dust. “No one can teach you to See.” You have to bite back the pain to pick up your pace to catch up with them. “Look, can’t we talk?” Jake is starting run out of breath. “Say, where’d you learn to speak English? Dr. Augustine’s school? Whoa! Little help!” Jake nearly slips and falls off the log but thankfully the woman saves him. “You’re like a baby.” She hisses at him once more.

“We need your help.” Jake says sincerely. “You should not be here.” “Okay, take us with you.” “No! Go back.” The na’vi pushes Jake’s chest when he once again tries to follow her. “Go back.” You’ve finally managed to catch up to them and you see someone you never thought you’d get to see again.

“Neytiri?”

Her eyes go wide as her attention is brought to you for the first time in the night. “Y/N? Is that you tsmuke?” She asks in disbelief, not believing her eyes. Before you can answer her, both of your attention is brought to the wood sprites that have appeared and you both scold Jake when he slaps them away. Soon enough the sprites come to cover Jake and your bodies. While Jack looks nervous, you feel at peace in the presence of Eywa. Neytiri takes a step back to take in the scene in front of her. “What are they?” Jake asks. “Seeds of the sacred tree. Very pure spirits.” Jake doesn’t seem to understand her. “What was that all about?” Neytiri doesn’t answer him and just insists that you both come. The trek through the forest is a bit easier now that Jake is finally helping you walk, although you both are  still far away from Neytiri. Things are going well until both of your legs are caught in in a trap and you fall off a log, Jake ends falling on top of you and your head is spinning. You’re a little dizzy at the moment but you can hear the sounds of several pa’li and yipping Na’vi circling you.

“Calm people, calm.” You hear Neytiri’s voice “What are you doing, Tsu’tey?”

Tsu’tey? Tsu’tey is here? You try to scan the crowd of Na’vi to find him but your vision is still a little blurry.

“These demons are forbidden here!” Thanks to your enhanced hearing you’re able to pin point where Tsu’tey is. Two years has changed him a lot. “There has been a sign! This is a matter for the Tsahìk!” Neytiri retorts. “Tsmuke is here as well.” Your vision has finally cleared up and you can see the mixed emotions that mars Tsu’tey’s face. Jake is just incredibly confused and lost. “Bring them!” With that the other Na’vi warriors grab you and Jake by your kuru’s and lead you towards Hometree. All you can tell Jake is to not do anything stupid as he questions what’s happening.

You never thought that you’d be brought back to Hometree like this, you’re basically a prisoner with hundreds of Na’vi yipping and staring at you. Soon you’re brought before Eytukan.

“Father, I see you.” Neytiri greets

Eytukan sizes Jake up but he’s a little shocked to see you as well.

“This creature, why did you bring him here?” The Olo’eyktan asks his daughter. “I was going to kill him but there was a sign from Eywa.”

“I have said no dreamwalker will come here. His alien smell fills my nose.” Eytukan’s comment causes a few Na’vi to chuckle. “My father is deciding whether to kill you.” Is what Neytiri responds with when Jake asks what he’s saying. Jake tries to be polite upon discovering that the man who’ll decide his fate is Neytiri’s father by reaching his hand out to shake his; it seems as though he’s forgotten that he’s not dealing with humans so he looks genuinely shocked when you smack his and and the Na’vi scold and hiss at him.

“Step back! I will look at this alien.” Mo’at makes her presence known has she descends the staircase on one of the tree branches. You have to stop yourself from smacking your forehead when Jake asks who Eywa after Neytiri tells him who Mo’at is. The Tsahìk circles Jake’s she examines his body. “What are you called?” “Jake Sully.”

After pricking him and tasting his blood Mo’at continues to question him. “Why did you come to us?” “I came to learn.” Mo’at smirks a little at his comment. “We have tried to teach other Sky People. It is hard to fill a cup which is already full.”

“Well, my cup is empty, trust me.” He’s defiantly not lying about that part, it’s almost astonishing that Jake came to an alien planet knowing next to nothing. “Just ask Dr. Augustine. I’m no scientist.” “What are you?” Mo’at asks with no hesitation.

“I was a Marine.” Jake looks around, he’s getting a little nervous by Mo’at’s interrogation. “A warrior of the Jarhead clan.”

“A warrior? I could kill him easily!” Tsu’tey shouts trying to make his way to Jake but is stopped by Eytukan. “This is the first warrior dreamwalker we have seen. We need to learn more about him.”

The Olo’eyktan turns his attention to you once more. “Y/N, the children have told me what you did for them, you have my sincere gratitude.” It doesn’t feel right to hear Eytukan thank you, he should be mad you! He should be telling you that you should’ve done more! He should be yelling at you for not protecting the children; for not protecting Sylwanin! “I do not deserve your gratitude, Olo’eyktan. I should have done a better job of protecting the children.” Your head is bowed now, you have to blink back tears as you remember that horrible day. “Nonsense child, if you had not sacrificed yourself, more of our children would have died.” Mo’at interjects. “Why have you come here child?”

“Honestly, I never thought that I’d end up here; I was just following this skxawng trying to keep him from dying. But now that I’m here…” You clench your fists and raise your head, full of determination. “…now that I’m here, I want to do right by The People. I want to be able to protect them. I never want another tragedy to befall you all.”

Mo’at just nods at your response. “My daughter, you will teach them our way; to speak and walk as we do.” “Why me? That’s not fair…” Neytiri tries to protest the idea of having to teach Jake too but she’s quickly brushed off by Mo’at. 

“It is decided.” Mo’at makes her way back to you and Jake. “My daughter will teach you our ways. Learn well, Jakesully. Then we will see if your insanity can be cured.”

That was the beginning of your life as a warrior of the Omatikaya. You we’re kind of jealous of how quickly was able to adapt to the physical aspects, but it was to be expected since he was a Marine. Besides you excelled at the language and spiritual aspects; it was funny to see Neytiri smack Jake every time he messed up simple words and phrases. Being able to talk to Tsu’tey again was also a plus, even though you couldn’t talk to him as often as you wished since he had many duties as the future Olo’eyktan.

Time flew and soon you would be too. The day of your Iknimaya was nerve wracking. Tsu’tey made Jake go first hoping to see his failure. To everyone’s astonishment Jake managed to bond with the ikran even after being tossed off the side of the mountain. Your turn went surprisingly quick. The ikran that chose you wasn’t as aggressive as the others, but it still did try to kill you. Your ikran was a beautiful shade of magenta with orange and yellow accents, you decided to name him Sreton’ong because his colors reminded you of dusk and the beautiful sunsets on Pandora. Neytiri was so excited for you both and she couldn’t wait for you both to seal the bond and fly with her. It was in that moment when you came to realize something, you were in love with Jake and Neytiri. You kept that information to yourself fearing that your friendship with them would end if they found out about it. Eventually you and Jake were ready to go through Uniltaron and it was probably the most painful thing you had ever experienced. The other scientists were worried about what it would do to your Avatars since Na’vi have died from it before, thankfully both you and Jake survived. Towards the end of the celebration Neytiri leads you both to Utraya Mokri, the Tree of Voices. You can’t help but notice Neytiri’s appearance; her dark hair is loose and cascading down her shoulders, something you’ve never seen before, and she’s wearing an ornate top that accentuates her figure. There aren’t words that can capture her beauty.

Neytiri places a hand on both of your hearts. “You are Omatikaya now. You may make your bow from the wood of Hometree.” She turns away from you. “And you may choose a mate. There are many fine people.” She starts playing with an atokirina with her back still to you both. “Ninat is the best singer.” You feel Jake rest his hand on the small of your back and his tail wraps protectively around your thigh, you’re too stunned to speak.

“But I don’t want Ninat.” Eywa, his voice sounds way too sultry right now. “Beyral is a good hunter.” “Yeah, she is a good hunter.” Jake’s agreement makes Neytiri whip her head back at us.

“I’ve already chosen, but these women must also choose me.” Jake speaks softly, looking at you both. Neytiri flashes him a smile, “She already has.” The two now look at you expectantly, 

“W-wait, you both like me?” You stammer unable to think properly right now. Jake just tightens his grip around your waist and chuckles. “Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed how crazy we are for you baby.” Neytiri steps closer to you to cup your face, “We choose you syulang do you, do you choose us?” You can’t believe that the two people you love with all of your heart have just confessed to you. “Yes, I choose you both.” You say with a smile, tears of joy running down your cheeks.

That night the three of you become one and are mated before Eywa.

Everything was great. Until it wasn’t.

Everything went by too fast. You wake up to hearing. Neytiri’s panicked pleas as you see giant machinery tearing down the Tree of Voices. Soon you are heartbroken alongside Neytiri upon discovering Jake’s betrayal. Next thing you know you’re helping the Omatikaya escape into the forest as the RDA makes Hometree collapse. Next thing you know you’re imprisoned by the RDA and are only freed with the help of Trudy. Grace is shot and when you manage to link back to your Avatar, you see that you’re at the Tree of Souls with the Omatikaya who are mourning their fallen. You do your best to assure Neytiri that you had no idea what the RDA was planning and that you were just as blindsided by Jake as she was. Eventually Jake arrives flying a toruk and informs you all that Grace is dying; her condition rapidly deteriorated after you linked. The consciousness transfer failed and you mourned the loss of your mentor and friend. War wasn’t something you wanted, but it came to you and you vowed to do all you could to protect The People. The actual battle is a blur. You killed several people, but you pushed that thought to the back of your mind.

Somehow Sreton’ong got injured and you were thrown off of him. The sight before you horrifies you, Quaritch is holding Jake by his kuru while Neytiri is pinned between a dead thanator and the ground. Your body reacts faster than your mind can think and you charge at Quaritch when you see him try to strike a fatal blow at Jake. You take the blow but everything goes black when you hit the ground.

When you wake up you’re surrounded by bright fluorescent lights and the steady beeping of machinery. You realize that you’re in your human body now. The most surprising sight when you wake up is seeing your mates sleeping with their heads resting at the edge of your feet, masks pressed against their faces; Jake is still blue. You try to sit up but pain shoot through your body, your movements cause your mates to immediately wake up.

“Oh thank you Great Mother!”

“Baby, you’re awake!” 

“What happened? Did we win?” You ask slowly, it hurts talk. 

“Yes, maSyulang, we won. The Demons have long since left.” Neytiri presses a kiss on your forehead, it’s weird considering the size difference; then you realize, this is the first time Neytiri has seen your human body.

“Baby, so much has happened these past few months.” Jake speaks up, unsure of where to start.

Months? How long were you in a coma?

“The RDA is gone, the only humans left are those loyal to the Na’vi.” He clears his throat. “I’m also permanently in my Avatar and I’m now Olo’eyktan.”

“Tsu’tey is dead?” Neytiri nods solemnly, “He is with Eywa now; he is with my sister.” You can’t help but cry, Tsu’tey was like a brother to you and now he’s gone. Your eyes travel down Neytiri’s form until you land on her swollen belly. “You’re pregnant?” She cups your cheek, “Eywa has blessed us maSyulang.” In the corner of your eye you can see Jake fidgeting beside you. “What is it maJake?” 

“There’s something else we must tell you yawne.” Jake takes a deep breath as he holds your small hands in his much larger ones. “Your Avatar is brain dead. You’ll never be able to link with it ever again.” You bawl when the reality of the situation finally hits.

Even now while you’re frustrated and mad with Jake, you can’t find it in yourself to regret sacrificing your Avatar for Jakes. 

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

The series of photos from Neteyam’s first birthday are some of your favorites.

Neytiri never really understood the concept of birthdays; the Na’vi didn’t celebrate them, and she really didn’t understand why his first birthday was such a big deal to you.

“Please help me understand maSyulang. Why celebrate life on one day when we celebrate it everyday.” You just sigh knowing that there’s no way to get out of this conversation; Neytiri is as stubborn as she is beautiful, and she is bewitching. You look down at the cooing baby boy in your arms who’s trying and failing to pull on the braids in your hair.

“Human babies are weak and fragile. Not too long ago it was common for half of all babies born die before they turn one.” You look up to give your mate a small sad smile. “In many places babies weren’t even given a name at birth because so many died young.” The little baby in your arms managed to grab onto one of your braids. “One of the biggest threats to humans is something we can’t even see. It’s only within the past two hundred years that babies surviving into adulthood became the norm.”

Neytiri squats down next to you, carefully cradling Kiri’s head as she sleeps in the baby sling that’s wrapped around her torso. “I didn’t know things were that bad, maSyulang.”

“Look I know Neteyam is Na’vi, but he still has some human DNA in him. I can’t help but be worried about him, and I can’t help but be excited that he’s a year old, well a year by Earth time; I don’t know maybe this is just something innate within me. I probably sound ridiculous.” You stop yourself from rambling.

“No you don’t tìyawn. Thank you for explaining.” The look in her eyes is genuine. “So what do Sky People do on the day of their birth?”

You face lights up at her genuine interest, you can’t help but get excited at the prospect of explaining birthdays to Neytiri. “Well it depends a lot by culture and time, but where I’m from making a cake and having a party is pretty common.”

Neytiri listened and absorbed everything you were saying she even wanted to recreate a birthday party with your help. It was a challenge to do so; you couldn’t even make a cake, but it was still perfect. The Omatikaya love to find any reason to sing and dance so most were on board once the concept was explained to them. A blending of human and Na’vi culture happened that night, it was amazing.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

Your trip down memory lane is interrupted when you hear frantic shuffling happening in the lab. You carefully exit your room, with your knife in hand prepared to fight if needed. And then you hear familiar voices.

“Keep the the noise to a minimum, Max. Jake said y/n can’t find out about this.” That’s Norm’s voice. What was he talking about? He had contact with Jake? What weren’t you supposed to find out. You continue to quietly eavesdrop on the conversation.

“I know what Jake said, but it doesn’t feel right to keep this from her.” Max sounds conflicted, you can feel your heart beating at a million miles an hour. What is happening? “Y/N should know that Kiri has had a seizure.”

Your heart stops and you freeze. Kiri had a seizure? And Jake is trying to keep it from you? Your body acts on its own and you move away from your hiding spot beside the doorway, surprising the two men.

You thought you’d know pain. 

The hits on missions. The battle at HQ when it fell. Training with the team. The violent father that dipped in and out. The mother who dabbled in alcoholism and any prescription meds she could get her hands on. 

But the pain of water in your lungs and a red hot knife cutting into you was something else. Your high pain tolerance and sheer determination to not break only pissed off your captors more. Leading to more cuts and burns.

Using a hot blade had meant the wounds were cauterising as they were cut leaving open wounds scattering your body. 

Now and again he’d reopen one. Wherever you were was filthy and it was only a matter of time before you got an infection. This Sokovian fucker knew what he was doing. Sat in a chair beside yours with his trolley of toys and devices, he had clearly done this before. 

Maybe he’d trained with Zemo and wasn’t some sort of weird super fan?

Agent 17 stood in the corner, smirking at your treatment. You kinda wished they’d put the tape back over your eyes.

“Look if she’s not going to say anything, shouldn’t we be moving on? Maybe pull out a few teeth.”

“Do I have to explain this again to you?” The Sokovian replied, as he sliced at your skin again. “There is a process.”

“Well it’s taking too long. We need to know where the safe houses are.”

“There is a process!!!” The Sokovian snapped back, moving quickly to turn towards 17, throwing down the knife and knocking the trolley as he did. The items laid out on it bounced and you pushed down the urge to glance over to see if any were near the edge. 17 was watching you too much for that. 

“Well, we’re on the clock and whilst they’re busy looking for her we need to deal with the safe houses.”

Okay. Part one of their plan is confirmed. Take down the safe houses, you thought to yourself. That would leave the team vulnerable. Their loved ones too. Your thoughts strayed to Scott’s daughter and Sam’s nephews. So they were trying to take down the Avengers, probably try and use their families as collateral too.

The Sokovian turned back to you. Before picking up the knife again from the tray.

“You have anything to say before we start again?”

You went to reply but he cut you off. 

“Something that’s not telling Agent 17 to go fuck himself.”

“I do actually.”

“Go on.”

You looked over at 17. Looked him dead in the eye.

“I’m gonna kill you first.”

Meanwhile….

“Any update?” Steve asked T’Challa.

“The only way they could have left so silently, so quickly, has to have been by jet. One like ours, or yours…..or”

“The new S.H.I.E.L.D jets.”

“Captain, we need to act with caution here. This has been done to pull you apart. Like you were before. Don’t let that happen. Don’t let them win. In any way.”

“I have to get her back T’Challa.”

“We will brother. We will.” T’Challa reassured, squeezing his shoulder. 

The door to the briefing room slid open and Bucky stepped out. His expression unreadable.

“They’ve sent another recording.”

“Fuck.” Steve muttered, as he and T’Challa followed him back into the room. 

“Friday, before you play it please reread the summary from the first one.” Steve instructed. He scanned the room as the AI read out the list. 

“Water used is cold and appears clean, connection to mains likely. Agent is bound repeatedly with hard knots. Skillset likely to be known. Trackers removed without mistakes. Fit of suit and devices known. Door open meaning escape from this room possible.”

Friday went on listing other points her and the team had noticed, including the possible weight and height of your captors.

“Before we watch this does anyone want to step out?” Steve asked. A reply of head shakes and no’s rang out. “Play it.”

The projection opened up among the others in the centre of the room. Steve heard hard swallows around the room and a ‘Jesus Christ’ from somewhere. 

Your face was bruised. Your suit was cut open in various places, and open wounds scattered your body. It had only been a couple of hours since the last tape and things had already got worse for you. Were these recent? Or when they’d first taken you. The person nipping at your skin with a knife had his back to them. The camera is set up like before, as to show all of you but little of the captors. The doors still open but you are still so heavily bound with no weapons, there was no way of you getting free. They watch as a blowtorch is used to heat the blade, before it’s plunged in your left upper thigh. Your captor has lent forward to do it and partially blocks your face from the camera. There’s no sound but with the tape now gone they see your eyes close briefly, before they look across the room. You flick your head as if gesturing to someone and the captor moves suddenly pulling the knife from your leg and turning towards where you’re looking. The recording stops. 

What your captors don’t realise is that you’ve revealed who one of them is. 

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“I don’t know honey.”

“How is this possible? So I was frozen? But I remember, I remember my childhood. It just doesn’t make sense. Was I frozen? Bruce can you tell if I was frozen?”

“If you had have been we’d only be able to tell immediately after you were unfrozen, defrosted? Whatever you want to call it, but either way your DNA would show the appropriate age, same as those two.”

“Please run it again Bruce.”

“I am, and Tony will take a look when he’s back from the press conference.”

“Press conference?” 

“The spider kid, he caused some issues in the city last night.” Nat added.

“Where have I been all this time though? And why don’t I remember you before? I remember being little, I remember going to school, the foster care, everything, could they, could someone have put that in my head?” 

“Buck, did they give you memories?” Clint asked.

“No, just took them.”

“Where did you think I was?” You asked, looking at Steve and Bucky. You watched them exchange a look.

“We thought you were dead.”

“What?” 

“I looked for you.” Steve replied, pausing to swallow hard. “I asked the team to help too.”

“Well, they know me.” You replied confused. “Why wouldn’t you tell him? Or me?” 

“Well, he gave us a description and well there are a lot of people in the world kid.” Clint replied.

“There’s a photo right here, did you not look at it and think hey I know her?”

“We could have if Rogers would shown it to us.” Nat quipped.

“What? You didn’t show them this?”

Steve shook his head.

“Are you stupid?”

“Excuse me?”

“I said, are you stupid? Why would you not show them this? Are you a complete idiot?”

Steve looked at you offended. Unable to hold in his laughter Clint let out a snort.

“Oh she’s got you there Cap!!” 

Even Bucky let out a chuckle, ruffling Steve’s hair. He brushed him off.

“Anyone would think you didn’t want to find me Rogers.” You mumbled.

“Don’t say that!” He snapped back. “I looked, I looked and looked and they looked, and Sam and Tony, even Fury, but you were gone. I started to think I’d imagined you, the whole damn thing until the file.”

“File?”

“One of my the double O’s gave him a file after Peggy died. It says what happened to you before.” Nat told you.

“What happened?”

“You were institutionalised.”

“Sectioned?”

Nat nodded.

“None of that should have happened though doll, we had it in our papers and we told you, if anything happened you were to go to my Ma’s.” Bucky told you.

“So what? I was sectioned until I died? How long was I there for?”

“Not long. Peggy and Howard both tried to get a guardianship over you.” Natasha continued.

“So I lived with them?”

Nat shook her head.

“You died before. From a broken heart and the shock treatment they gave you. Bruce took a look at the file. It’s unlikely you survived that.”

“But I’m here so I did.”

“Peggy identified you. Howard paid for the funeral.” Steve told you abruptly. 

“Oh.”

The room was silent for a while. 

“Where is she buried? I mean, me before?”

“We never found a grave.” Steve tells you, before letting out a sigh. Bucky squeezed his shoulder.

“So, was it a cover up? Did Peggy and Howard hide me somewhere?”

“We don’t think so.” Nat told you. “Tony’s spent three days going through Howard’s files, paperwork and safes, there’s no mention of you.”

“Someone must know something? Where I’m buried, well where she’s buried at least?”

Steve shook his head.

“Can you not just accept it? We’re back together. That’s all that matters!” He said abruptly.

“But it’s not back together for her Cap, she doesn’t have the memories you have.” Clint said in your defence.

“You don’t seem to taking the soul part of this into consideration.” Bruce muttered.

“What?” Steve snapped. 

“You wanna watch your tone Rogers?” Natasha said, voice firm.

Steve held his hands up and then crossed them over his chest. You fought the urge to kick him of the bed.

“She’s your soulmate and they are yours.” He said, looking between the three of you. “But you’re not taking on the key part here. Soul.”

“You think she was reborn for us?” Bucky asked softly. 

“It’s possible, and there are cases of it happening, it’d explain why she looks the same as then too.”

“How so?” Steve asked.

“Would you have been accepting of another soulmate, a replacement, if she was different?”

They both shook their heads.

“It’d only ever be our doll.” Bucky said stroking your hair, before kissing you on your forehead. 

The room fell silent again and your mind wandered. A realisation washed over you. Your eyes snapped towards Natasha and then Clint. They both tilted their heads as if to ask a question. 

“Do you think that’s why?”

“Why what?” Steve asked, before they had chance to answer.

“There’s something you need to know.” You said quietly, avoiding looking at them by looking down at baby Nathanial. 

You were stopped abruptly as the door slid open and Wanda strode in, fury in her eyes and expression firm. 

“I need to talk to Y/N. Alone.”

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You clicked reply and typed “You’re a good man Joaquin. No matter what Sam says” you knew he’d be calling or replying soon. You and Joaquin had been friends for a while. Hell you gave him the push along with Sam to get with TT. Those two were one hell of a couple. Joaquin had been one of the few people that hadn’t really said anything one way or another about you and John. If you brought it up, he’d be willing to listen and if you asked for advice the only thing he’d said was “You’re an amazing woman. If Walker is too damn stupid to see that, it’s his fault not yours but he seems like he really cares about you”

Now you were sitting with a dilemma. You had already forgiven John in your heart even if you hadn’t said the words to him. You couldn’t hold the anger and pain. Your past was proof of what that could do to a person, his as well. None of your team had done well from holding onto anything like that. You loved him too much to hold onto it. 

The dilemma was, would you ever be able to truly give him a second chance with your heart in the palm of his hand or do you move on? Either option terrified you. You’d never loved anyone the way you loved John yet every time you got close to him you got scared of being hurt again also. He admitted to being a dumbass but no matter what he still very much felt like your dumbass.

Your phone dinged and you looked to see Joaquin had replied “He just mad cause I’m cooler than him” you shook your head and replied “Damn right. I’ll send a pic when I get the hoodie. Tell TT I said what’s up” 

You tossed your blankets off and swung your legs off the side of your bed. You needed to start the damn day. Bucky would be yelling at Valentina, you wanted in on that one. Yelena would be somewhere either training or hanging out with Bob. Ava could be quite literally anywhere within the tower (walls included) you scrubbed a hand down your face. Shower first, even if you ended up getting another one after the gym. You needed it to wake up.

John knew how you started your day. You always showered, no matter what. Even if you showered to go straight down to the gym. You said it woke you up and made you feel less gunky,your words not his.  He wished he knew if you were headed to the gym or to breakfast first. He didn’t want to risk crowding you. No matter how much he craved your company, just being in the same area as you he wouldn’t push. You said you needed time to think, he would give it to you. No matter how long it took.

He laid there for the longest, staring up at the roof. EJ was getting big. Dark curls and a bright smile. He was so damn handsome and so damn innocent. He’d giggled when he saw him. That had hit some broken spot inside of him, he’d been afraid that EJ would cry or cling to Olivia….. not wanting anything to do with him but no, children were resilient. They’d spent time together. He’d gotten to see his son’s room, learn his favorite book, bedtime story and movie.

He was trying, Olivia was letting him, the lawyers were letting him. He wouldn’t fuck up again. EJ deserved a better father than that. Olivia had asked about you. He’d told her that you’d gotten upset at him, that he’d inadvertently said something that ripped your heart out. She’d told him to do whatever he needed to do to fix it because in her words “She pulled you out of a hole I was afraid would swallow Eli’s father whole”

He knew that. He knew that when he was a self deprecating asshole wallowing in self pity, you’d popped up. That damn vault. The way you’d watched his every move. How you’d smirked when he’d acted as if he wasn’t expandable yet how your eyes softened when Bucky revealed the truth.  The shame rooms, seeing your kills. How you regretted them. The way you reacted to Lemar’s death.  He shielded you without even thinking of it, whether it was the innate training to protect his team or what it was second nature to keep you close at hand.

When Valentina announced all of you to the world. Everyone had been stunned to say the least but you? You busted out laughing, shook your head and walked off the stage. Bucky had to drag you back and keep his left arm around you to keep you in place. 

When everyone moved into the tower, with what few possessions you’d had Valentina was there overseeing with her guards. She’d given all of you a shiny new credit card and a reminder “You’re avengers act like it in public”  the jarring reality that none of you knew how to act when given the reins to your own lives? That was a bit horrifying. Hell for a while it seemed Alexei had the best grip on things.

The turning point for Yelena and Bob was figuring out they could set up cucumber a tunnel between their rooms and no one cared. In fact the team encouraged it. Bucky was starting to sleep in an actual bed. Ava was having less pain days which was amazing to say the least. John himself was just still struggling. That was when he started getting close with you. 

_______________________

He’d been up, wandering the tower and trying to stay quiet. Normally he would’ve stayed on his own floor but he needed to stretch his legs further. He made it into the kitchen which was a common area and the lights were off, thanks to the serum his vision was a lot better so he didn’t actually need it. What stopped him in the doorway however was your form sitting on the island. You were crossed legged, a bottle of water in your hands just staring off into space.

He started to leave, not wanting to bother you but you’d turned and looked over your shoulder “Well hell Walker if we both can’t sleep might as well keep each other company”

He walked further into the kitchen, leaning onto the island in front of you “What are you doing up anyways?” you shrugged “Couldn’t sleep. The bed is way too nice. The room is too air conditioned. The rug I bought is too soft, the blankets are too soft. My pjs are too new. Everything is bugging the hell out of me”

A soft laugh escaped him and your eyes flew up to his. He knew that look, you thought he was making fun of you but he quickly shook his head “No honey. I ain’t making fun. I’m just kind of glad I’m not the only one having issues with all this” you nodded then “Oh, I bet it is weird huh?” he nodded “I’ve been living kind of from here to there since me and Olivia split. The papers were signed about two months before we met” 

You nodded, looking down at your water then back up at him “At least Valentina is sending her a good sum for EJ right?” he nodded “Yeah, at least I know he’s taken care of. Even if I couldn’t” you laughed then “Sometimes it’s better to become a better parent and come back then to drag your child along for the ride. Olivia can handle it as a single mother better than you being a wreck”

He liked that about you. You never walked on eggshells around anyone. Yelena went off on the team? You went toe to toe. Bucky had a bad night? You were the first at his door to check on him. Ava’s powers went sideways and she was having a hard time? You ended up getting phased into a wall to help her. You also didn’t mind setting him straight when it was needed. “She’d like you” he offered and you winked at him “Of course she would, I’m a likeable person” 

____________________

Somehow a friendship started to form out of that. When one of you couldn’t sleep, you’d seek out the other. You talked, learned more about each other. You asked about his time in the army but never pushed. He asked about your time in shield but never pushed. You both helped each other find the courage to start therapy, a much needed thing for you both.

You started training together, even if at first he was afraid of hurting you. You got stronger, he got more flexible. The two of you were good as a team. Maybe it was his fault? Maybe he should have been strong enough to see it coming, strong enough to realize with every smile, every teasing remark, every knock of your shoulder against his body, that you were stealing a piece of his heart every single time.

By the time he realized what was happening he was so far in love with you he didn’t know what to do with himself. The problem was you hadn’t been in a relationship in a while due to shield controlling so much of your past, he hadn’t been with anyone in an actual relationship but Olivia and besides her he’d only ever slept with one other person and hell that was back when he was seventeen.

Both of you were nervous, hell John wouldn’t be hesitant to say he was downright afraid. He had fucked up so much. He’d let Lemar get killed, failed the whole world as Captain America, pushed Olivia to feel like she had no other choice but to walk away… what did he have to offer you?

____________________

You stayed, no matter what. After missions, you’d get his help checking your injuries and would make him let you check his. You slowly opened up more to each other. The late nights turned into you falling asleep in each other’s beds and suddenly you were both sleeping through the night if you were curled up to each other. 

He loved the way your lips felt on his, loved how your body felt under his fingers. The two of you had done a lot, he’d tasted you, teased you. He wanted to make you feel good, wanted to please you but was afraid of hurting you. That was why it was so long before you two actually had sex. He was trying to do everything right this time and yet he still fucked up.

A low groan finally left him as he shoved himself up and out of the bed. He may as well grab a shower too. Then he’d see whether or not you were avoiding him and see just how bad the team was chewing Valentina’s ass out for that shit intel. You would think she’d at least try to keep her band of misfits intact. Especially since Bob was still unstable at best and he was bonded to Yelena, Ava and you.

He shook his head and headed into the bathroom, sending up a prayer of “Please lord, don’t let me fuck up any worse than I already have” 

You were in the gym by yourself for once. Yelena had come and gone. Ava too, Bucky was still yelling at Valentina with Sam on a conference call so you were alone. You’d already worked the heavy bags and weights. You were currently hanging upside down from the pullup bar.

Part of you expected Ava to phase in or Bob to wander in and question what the hell you were doing. It just helped your gravity center really. Made it where if a mission called for it you didn’t get dizzy, plus it kind of stroked that spot inside of you that was a kid that never really got to play on the monkey bars.

You had music playing and was humming along to it. The door of the gym opened and you cracked your eyes open to see John standing in the doorway with his head tilted to the side “Darlin, what the hell are you doing?”

You shrugged as best as you could from your current position “Stretching out my back?” he nodded “Ok then. Is it good if I work out or want me to come back?” you shook your head “It’s fine John” 

He walked in and headed for the heavy bags. You told yourself to close your eyes back, concentrate on the song and your remaining time but when he slipped his shirt off and tossed it to the bench you nearly fell off the bar. 

You twisted to grab the bar with your hands then dropped down to your feet. John looked over at you with a raised eyebrow “You good?” you nodded “Yup. Time was up anyways”

You started gathering your stuff and heard him turn back to the heavy bag as the first flew blows started to land. You couldn’t look. Hormones clouded judgement and god knows you had plenty of hormones where he was concerned.  You picked up your water bottle and your feet decided to have a mind of their own because they turned your body around to face John’s back.

You stood there for a moment, watching him work over the bag. The way the muscles in his back moved, the way his body worked. The light sounds falling from his lips. Christ that man. You swallowed the water a bit harder than necessary and hoped he didn’t hear it. 

“Was I any good at least?” you asked and your mouth fell open, horrified at your own question. John missed the bag and it swung back, hitting him in the face and almost knocking him off balance which in turn caused a shocked laugh to escape you. He spun to face you, eyes wide and chest heaving “What?”

You shrugged “Was I at least a good fuck?” you were trying to keep a halfway calm demeanour despite the turmoil in your heart and head. He laughed humorlessly “Baby I love you. You were amazing. I’ve thought about it, about you so damn much since then. More times than you’d probably care to know”

The water bottle in your hand felt heavy. “You know I still love you John, right?” he nodded “I do. You know I’m not going anywhere, right? Unless you tell me point blank John it’s over I don’t want anything to do with you like that anymore” 

You nodded “I figured so but where does that leave us?” he stared at the space between the two of you then looked back up at you. You took a step towards him and the barest of smiles slipped onto his face “That leaves us with the ball firmly in your court honey. I fucked up, I did. Olivia was my only relationship before you. I’d slept with one girl when I was seventeen. I got with Olivia a couple months after that then she was it until we divorced. I never would have meant to slip up, God knows I was not thinking about her in that moment but I will completely understand if you decide you can’t give this another shot. Just know that no matter what I will still love you and do my best to protect you”

“Don’t say that John. I can’t go into missions thinking about you doing something stupid to protect me and then EJ doesn’t know why daddy left again and permanently this time” you whispered and he took a step towards you “Worried about me?” 

You shook your head “Worried about Eli” he smirked “Lucky little boy that one” you nodded “I know right? Hot mom and hot teammate of dad’s being worried about his little self” 

He raised an eyebrow “Did you just call Olivia hot?” you shrugged “I have eyes John” he started laughing “I love you but I swear if you leave me for Olivia…well it would be par for the course for me”

“I wouldn’t do that. If I like it or not I know who my heart belongs to. I just don’t know what to do about it” you admitted and he nodded slowly. You could see a few different emotions cross his face. He wanted to be happy because you said your heart belonged to him but you also said you didn’t know what to do about it. 

“I’m here when you decide” he reminded and you nodded “Well, I’ll leave you to your workout” “Ok sweetheart” you turned on your heel and for the first time since that night you simply walked away, you didn’t run. It wasn’t a lot but it was something. Right?

You should really be used to the amount of times you’d almost been killed. It really shouldn’t be something that woke you up at night. Yet here you were. You were sitting in the middle of your bed, huddled in the air force hoodie that had finally arrived from Joaquin, shaking slightly. 

Yelena always told you it was nothing to be ashamed of. She still had flashbacks of the red room. The difference was she was a child, she had no choice. You’d signed onto shield, thinking you were going good. Their asset when they needed something cleaned up.

Your chest felt tight like you couldn’t breathe. You slipped the hoodie off and stood on shaking legs to put it on top of your dresser. Even down to your camisole and boxers it didn’t get better.  The one thing that would make you feel better you couldn’t have. 

After the third trip around your room, you stepped out into the cool hallway. You told yourself it was just a walk around the tower. It meant nothing. You told yourself that up until the moment you were outside of John’s room, knocking on the door.

___________________

John was in that place between sleep and consciousness when a knock at the door snapped him back fully awake. He knew that knock. He was on his feet and moving without another thought. He opened the door and there you stood, barefooted, wearing your horror movie camisole and boxer set. Your hair was tousled from sleep, eyes wide and he knew it was a nightmare.

“You ok?” he spoke, voice low and you shook your head “I tried, I paced, I got water. I did the breathing but I- I can’t slow my head down. I feel like like my chest is too tight John” he reached his arms out and you crashed against his chest, arms wrapping around him “Can I stay here? Please. I feel safe with you” you whispered as if you felt ashamed at admitting it out loud.  He didn’t know if it was the needing him part or the just needing someone part but he understood either way.

“I’ve got you sweetheart. You know anything that comes for you would have to go through me first” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

____________________

You walked into John’s room with him.The meticulously kept area was as neat as always. His damn bed was even neat with him having just been asleep. Only one side of the blanket was moved back, he didn’t sleep on the right side of the bed. You liked that side. 

When he noticed you looking he shrugged “You like the right side, I got used to the left” you felt your face warm “Can we lay down?” he nodded “Of course” you walked over and slid under the blanket. He laid down next to you but god he was so stiff he felt half dead. “John, relax please” he nodded so you moved closer, laying your head on his chest “Is this ok?” you asked and his voice broke slightly when he replied “It’s perfect”

His arm slipped around you, fingers tracing shapes on your back. “Wanna talk about it?” you shook your head “It was a close call when everything fell. They almost killed me. I was one of the youngest, their little cleaner” he pressed a kiss to your temple “I love you” you smiled and pressed a kiss to the bare skin of his chest and heard him release a huff of air that sounded almost like a sigh of relief at feeling your lips “I love you too John. Now sleep”

When you first started waking up, you became aware of a heavy weight across your hip. You opened one eye to see you’d turned onto your side in your sleep. Your face was burrowed into John’s neck and the weight was his arm, holding you so tightly it seemed like he was afraid you may just float away.

“John” you whispered, squirming to look up at him. He slowly opened his eyes, those blue eyes you adored catching the light in just the right way to make your heart flip and the smile he gave you was nothing short of heart stopping “It wasn’t a really good dream?”

You laughed and playfully shoved his chest “You asshole! You just called my having nightmares a good dream?” He squeezed your hip gently “I meant more so waking up with you in my arms is the best of dreams I could ever imagine” 

One of your hands found their way to his chest, spread across the broad expanse of skin. You should look away, you should climb out of his bed but the way he was looking at you was like you hung the damn moon and stars. “I love you John” you breathed and he smiled so damn softly “I love you too” 

“If I give you another chance, I don’t think I could handle you hurting me again. You’re the only man I’ve ever loved this much” you admitted. He swallowed hard “I don’t deserve another chance. I don’t deserve you but if you ever decide to, I will spend the rest of my life trying to”

When you leaned up to press a kiss to his lips he went deadly still. You pulled away and a small smile slipped onto his face “Yeah?” you nodded “Yeah, now kiss me”

He tugged you closer by the hand on your hip and when his lips met yours it was like your entire body was on fire in the best of ways. You whined lightly into his mouth and a low groan of your name escaped his lips. You laughed and nipped at his bottom lip “What was that?” 

A light blush graced his cheeks but no, you heard it and by god you were going to hear it again. “Get on your back soldier” you whispered against his lips and he shifted to do as he was told. You laughed again at how quickly he’d moved “Damn John, were you waiting for orders baby?”

He watched you with a look that was a mixture of love and hunger “Anything you tell me to do? I’m going to do everything within my power to do it” you rolled your bottom lip between your teeth “What if I do this?” you swung your leg over his waist, effectively straddling him and a strangled moan left him.

“So sensitive” you teased, rocking your hips against his. He watched you with darkened eyes “I’m behaving because you need this” you nodded “I know and I love you for it” before pressing a kiss to his lips.

You leaned up to slip your camisole off and he swallowed hard enough you could see his Adam's apple bobbing. “What’s wrong?” you asked and he grinned “Nothing honey” he was being patient, good even. “Do you want me John?” you asked and he stared at you, breathing your name out like a prayer “You could tell me to take out half of New York and I’d probably try it”

You laughed “Good answer” and leaned down to him. He tugged you up, tongue flicking out to roll one of your nipples into his mouth. Your head fell over with a light gasp. Your fingers threaded into his hair, nails scratching his scalp. You leaned down close to his ear “You’re getting one damn chance John. I’m handing you my body and my heart. Let’s see if you destroy it”

He pulled off your nipple with a wet pop, tilting his head to look at you. “I won’t. This once I won’t fuck up” he swore, pressing a hard kiss to your lips. Your nails found his chest, lightly grazing the skin “Prove it” you whispered into his mouth and he laughed “How do you want me baby?”

________________________

You wanted to be on your stomach, pillow under your hips, giving John the perfect angle. Your fists were balled into his comforter, every thrust was pushing you closer to that edge and from the position it meant your clit was rubbing against the bed as well.  “Gonna cum for me honey?” he growled into your ear, kissing the flesh just below as he tucked a hand under you, fingers finding your clit. Your vision exploded in white dots when your orgasm slammed into you, a gasp of his name leaving you.

You could feel his thrusts getting more frenzied as he chased his own high, pressing kisses across your back and shoulders. Praises that consisted of your name, how amazing you felt falling from his lips in tandem with every snap of his hips. His teeth grazed your neck, your name a little louder this time. You looked up at him, a hard thrust making your eyes roll back slightly. He grabbed your chin to force you to look at him as he said your name again “I love you. I’m yours. I belong to you” 

You could tell he was close, his cock was throbbing inside of you. Tears were forming in your eyes from overstimulation but it still felt so damn good. “All mine” you moaned and he nodded, pressing a kiss to your lips “All yours” as he buried himself into you. When he came with a low grunt of your name, followed by a trail of open mouthed kisses being pressed to the back of your neck you had to catch your breath. He gave a few more slow, deep thrusts, slipping his hand back under you “One more” you whined but his fingers were already wringing one more orgasm out of your spent form.

When you came, walls clenching around him, he bit down on your shoulder. You gasped out, biting into his forearm. He laughed lightly “Bite it harder baby, mark me” you bit harder and he moaned “Good girl, let everyone know who I belong to”

You laid there for a moment as he pressed kisses across your skin, large calloused hands rubbing your back before he gently pulled out. You whined at the loss of his body. He pressed another kiss to your shoulder “Gonna go get something to clean you up” “Ok” you whispered.

He walked into the bathroom and came back with a warm washcloth, he meticulously cleaned between your thighs, pressing kisses everywhere he could reach in the process. He then helped you turn over and get comfortable before finding you one of his shirts and helping you to slip it on. You laid against his pillows as he moved around the room, slipping boxers on.

“So, was that good?” he asked and looked so damn nervous you busted out laughing. His face fell and you held out a hand “Come here baby” he crawled onto the bed, laying partially on top of you. You pulled him down into a kiss “That was amazing. I love you John Walker” he grinned “I love you too. So, I’m yours right? If some gossip site asks..” you groaned “Christ have mercy John. I’ll claim you publicly like a puppy on a leash”

“Woof woof baby” he teased, lips on your neck. You slipped your fingers into his hair, pulling his head back so he had to look at you. He grinned “Yes darlin?” “I’m yours too by the way. I want to meet Olivia officially and it would be my honor to meet EJ one day” he smiled brightly and crashed his lips against yours “I don’t deserve you but thank you for wanting me anyways”

@lilrainbowcloud

@desimarie12

@abaker74

You felt dirty, like a cheap whore. You felt like the other woman almost. Why couldn’t he just have been honest with you? He was an attractive man. Truthfully you would have slept with him weeks ago and just gotten it out of your system. That way no feelings would have gotten involved. Had you been face down in the mattress and he just fucking into you for a release for you both this wouldn’t have hurt. Had you know this was just a fuck, it wouldn’t have hurt. He didn’t have to date you, spend time with you, make you fall for him. He didn’t have to hold you close and whisper sweet nothings.  

He could have just said “I find you attractive, I think you find me attractive. Can we fuck?” that way you wouldn’t feel like this.  The dishonesty was what ripped you in two.

You finally ripped yourself off the floor. You needed to get dressed. You needed some sleep. You were sore, sore from him, sore from the shower, sore from just everything.

You towel dried off and slipped clothes on before padding across the floor to your bed. You laid down then a scent of his cologne from earlier in the night hit your nose. You tore your blankets, sheets and all off the bed and pushed them into the laundry chute. You’d rather sleep on a bare mattress until you could get fresh sheets in the morning. You walked into your closet and found a hoodie Alexei had given you. It was big on him so it fell past your knees. It would work if you got cold. You slipped it on and curled up in the middle of the bed. You just needed a few hours of sleep then you could deal with your broken heart head on.

John woke up and absentmindedly reached for you before remembering the night before. The two of you had spent more than one night sleeping in the same bed but last night was the first time that happened. The way you’d felt under him, how you sounded.. It was damn near perfect until whatever happened happened. He wasn’t sure what he’d done. He knew that the so-called meeting with Valentina’s people was bullshit. He’d done something to you but he wasn’t sure what. 

Did he hurt you? Christ, if he hurt you with his strength he’d never forgive himself. Especially if you felt like you had to hide it from him.  He sat up, running a hand down his face. The slight scent of your shampoo from his pillows hit his nose and he smiled as he grabbed his phone, hoping you had texted him. There was nothing there. He sighed and laid it back down. He learned his lesson about trying to toss his phone down after the third broken one.

He didn’t want to crowd you but last night was supposed to be special wasn’t it? That was the first time you two had sex, the first time he’d had sex with anyone outside of Olivia since he was nineteen years old. What if he wasn’t any good? What if you were trying to spare his feelings? Fuck now that was an entirely new worry on top of him hurting you. What if he was a grown ass man that had no fucking clue what he was doing with a different woman and he ended up not only not pleasing you but hurting you as well?

Fuck it, he’d go to the gym and take out some frustrations there. Maybe you’d find him like you said you would. That was all he could do for now, right?

You were in the gym with Yelena and Ava. You and Yelena were both working on speed with Ava phasing in and out while the two of you worked to block her and see if either of you could actually land a punch. 

When you approached both of them about training with you this morning you knew you probably looked like shit. You felt like shit but you didn’t want to talk, you wanted to train. You wanted to sweat and to not think about anything but where the next hit was coming from.

You grunted when Ava caught you in the stomach and you rolled up, your back hitting the mat. You twisted when she phased back in and caught her in the lower back, flipping her. Her back hit the mat and she laughed lightly “Good reversal” you nodded “Thanks” Yelena winked at you “Come on now, my turn”

You stood to face Yelena, both of you gave a small nod then started circling each other. You both had similar hand to hand fighting styles. Shield training and Hydra training meeting up in the middle. Both rejects of your programming and just fighting to do better. 

You and her went back and forth. You’d land a blow then she’d land one. It was a dance and an enjoyable one on days like this. She didn’t give you any room to think. She knew you well enough to know when to stay on your ass. “Don’t hesitate!” she urged, kicking you in the back and making your face hit the mat. Bob grimaced where he was watching “Yelena..” you knew he was going to tell her to ease up, he didn’t like seeing you two go hard on each other (Yet loved seeing Bucky and John beat the shit out of each other)

“I’m good Bob” you assured him with a wink as Yelena helped you to your feet. She nodded “She knows her limits” She passed you a water bottle and your towel “Want to talk about this mood?” you shook your head “Want to take Bob and Ava and go shopping instead?” she shrugged “Sounds good to me”

Ava phased behind you “Shopping?” you laughed “With our shiny cards Valentina gave us. All we have to do is be polite in public and smile for photo ops” Ava scrunched up her nose in disgust “Fair enough. Twenty minutes to shower and change?” you nodded “Good with me”

The four of you started for the door but it opened before you got there. John walked in and you had to remind yourself to not freeze on the spot. Your eyes locked with his, a small smile slipping onto his face “Morning” he greeted. “Morning” Bob replied, him and Yelena pushing past John to get out first. 

“Morning Walker” Ava greeted as she walked out. You walked behind Ava. His hand shot out to grab yours “Morning?” you nodded “Morning” and gently pulled your hand out of his grasp. It felt like your skin was on fire everywhere he’d touched. A day ago it would have been the most pleasant of sensations, now? You wanted to rip the flesh away.

He looked towards the door and once he was halfway sure everyone was gone he looked back at you “How’d the meeting go?” “Meeting?” you asked then it hit you “Oh yeah, meeting. It went fine. I gotta go. We’re going shopping. I need new blankets and stuff”

He raised an eyebrow “Yours was fine last night? What about your backup sets?” you shrugged “I asked laundry to toss them all. I need a fresh start on it” he took a step closer but when you stiffened he froze to the spot “Baby, did I hurt you or something?” there was a cop out for you. You could blame this on physical pain and pull away from him. You could say he’d bruised you, been too rough. Something to put more blame on him, to inflict some pain on him.

God help you couldn’t. “Nope, I’m fine” you whispered, eyes looking everywhere but at him. “Is that why you won’t look at me?” he asked. You slowly raised your eyes to his, hoping he wouldn’t clock the tears brewing in yours “See? Fine. Can I go now?” he nodded slowly “Of course. Sorry”

You walked out of the gym, the moment you hit the hallway your feet started moving faster. You told yourself it was to catch up with Bob and Yelena but you knew you were running away from John. 

________________

John could hear your footfalls. He knew you were quite literally running away from him. If he didn’t hurt you then why were you pulling away from him like you were? He thought he’d been doing good with you, thought he’d been better, a better man. 

He punched one of the heavy bags and didn’t pay attention to which one it was. It was unfortunately not a reinforced one and it flew across the room, smashing against a wall. Great, now he had to explain that to Bucky and Valentina. “Fuck” he grunted under his breath. He was losing you now. Just par for the course with his track record.

“Fuck fuck fuck” you groaned under your breath. It was that damn website that ran the article about you and John. One of its people had gotten a report that the four of you were out and about. You grabbed Yelena “Get Bob back to the tower” “What about those assholes” she asked and you shrugged “I’ve got it”

Ava grinned “I’m watching her work” you laughed “Well come on Starr” she fell in next to you while Yelena took Bob the opposite way. You heard your name called along with “Miss STARR” 

You both turned and saw Yelena give a thumbs up as she made it out the door. Just keep their eyes on you long enough to get Bob out of dodge. That was it. “Yes?” you greeted and the perky redhead shoved a tiny mic in your face “Is it true that you and John Walker are an item?” you felt Ava shift at your side and cut your eyes at her to see she was watching you carefully. You sighed, time to put on a show and act like your heart wasn’t in shambles.

“John Walker?” you laughed and she nodded “Yes, we’ve gotten multiple reports and photos of you two getting close and of course that one audio of him saying are you ok peaches when you got injured” you rolled your eyes “Christ, the man has called Alexei peaches! He’s from Georgia for Christ's sake. As for us being an item? I’d sooner be with Miss Starr here. She’s a lot more emotionally stable” Ava and the redhead laughed. 

“Well Miss Starr, any comment?” Ava grinned, slipping an arm around your waist “Not really” the redhead laughed “Anything you’d like to add about any rumors floating around? Squash them once and for all?” you rolled your bottom lip between your teeth. John would more than likely get this routed to him, more than likely see it but maybe Olivia would too. If he was no longer living in the tower or at least not available maybe it would hurt less? 

“John is still very much in love with his ex-wife Olivia. He is staying single in hopes of one day reconciling. I for one support them and wish them the best. That’s all I will say on my team mates relationships well that and Alexei is single and looking!” The redhead and Ava both started laughing again. The redhead looked at her cameraman “You heard it here folks. The supposed new relationship is indeed fake news. John Walker is staying a single man and Mr Shostakov is looking”

She thanked you and Ava for your time then walked away. Ava looked back at you with a raised eyebrow “I thought you and John were..” “Nothing, we’re nothing. Let’s go make sure Yelena and Bob made it back” 

John heard Alexei laughing from the kitchen. “This is good, she is very pretty on camera. Takes charge. Good hero face” “What are you going on about?” he asked as he walked in to see that Alexei and Bucky had an interview of you up. Yelena was standing in front of them, holding cucumber as Bob fed him. 

“Our girl is a natural on camera” Yelena laughed as she hit play. The clothes you were wearing. This was from today. “Where is she?” he asked and Yelena grinned “This is live, she played distraction for us to get out”

He walked over behind them and smiled when he saw your face and that Ava had her arm around you. His heart fell however when you were asked  “Anything you’d like to add about any rumors floating around? Squash them once and for all?” he saw the way you rolled your bottom lip between your teeth. You were overthinking about something. Tell them baby. He thought to himself. Desperate to hear you claim him.

You shifted on your feet and he felt like you were looking straight at him when you said “John is still very much in love with his ex-wife Olivia. He is staying single in hopes of one day reconciling. I for one support them and wish them the best. That’s all I will say on my team mates relationships well that and Alexei is single and looking!”

He was single? That was news to him. He very much thought he was taken. He was also very much not still in love with Olivia. What the hell was going on. Did you just decide to dump him on a fucking gossip site? He was in love with you. He loved you, he was with you just the night before and now he was single?

Alexei’s laughter boomed through the kitchen, nearly drowning out the redhead as she said “You heard it here folks. The supposed new relationship is indeed fake news. John Walker is staying a single man and Mr Shostakov is looking” 

“She’s good, yeah?” Alexei asked him with a broad grin. He managed a weak smile “The best” and walked out of the room. You didn’t want him. That explained how you’d been acting, how fast you wanted him off of you, how fast you left his room. You didn’t want him.

“We’re back” he heard about ten minutes later. You and Ava came walking in, carrying arm loads of bags. He started to move to help you but you shook your head “I got it, thanks” he nodded and motioned to the elevator “I’m going to my floor” “Ok” he heard Alexei talking about your interview as he stepped onto the elevator. At least now it was clear what happened.

Yelena told you John saw the interview. At least now he knew you knew. You could now try to mend your heart and manage to stay on the same team and in the same place. Maybe if Olivia saw it she would reach out? Who knew, some women liked that.

You were in the kitchen, picking through the kitchen in an attempt to find breakfast. “Find what you looking for doll?” you jumped when Bucky walked in behind you. You spun around and laughed “Jesus, it’s not fair how fucking quiet we all move!” 

He grinned “Well you’ve gotten me twice in the last week. I owed you” you shrugged “Fair enough. Want a croissant?” he shrugged “Sure”

You started coffee and tossed your croissants in to warm up as you sat across from Bucky at the island. “So, are we gonna talk about it?” he asked once you slid his coffee and plate to him. “About what?” you questioned and he nodded “So not talking about you and Walker” you stared down into your coffee “You were right. He was with her for many years. That just doesn’t go away. I was a fucking idiot, now I see it”

“Did something happen?” you knew that tone of voice from Bucky. One word and John was dead. “No, nothing happened. Just came to my senses is all” he nodded slowly “Can you two still work and live together?” 

You raised your eyes to his, forcing a smile “Of course” he nodded “Ok, wanna train with me today? We’re do to spar” you grinned “Sounds good to me”

____________________

John woke up and laid there, staring at the ceiling. For the second time he’d fallen in love with a gorgeous woman, an amazing woman. For the second time that woman didn’t want him. The passing him back to the first woman who didn’t want him was a nice touch though. Really make him look pathetic. 

He wasn’t mad at you, he couldn’t blame you. He was mad that he couldn’t be better, be what you needed. He pushed himself out of bed. There were voicemails from the lawyers. Visitation with his son would be starting soon. He’d hoped in a few months time to work up to you meeting him. He wanted you to meet him. He’d talked to Olivia, she’d seemed ok with the idea when they talked through the conference call last week. Maybe it was because of the lawyers or just how much Valentina sent her a month. He was trying, so damn hard. 

He picked up his phone and saw he had a text from Olivia of all people. He clicked it and grimaced when it read What did you do to her? He wished he had an answer for that. He’d been honest with her, told her he was in love with you. Hadn’t wanted her sidelined by any news outlets. She was ok with it, she was dating. They’d come to an agreement on how long they had to be with a person before their son could meet that person. John got to run backgrounds on any of her dates (that was her idea not his)

I don’t know he replied and after a moment she texted back Fix it. You’ve been a better man since meeting her. I like this John again. You need her he laughed more to himself than anything Believe me, I know

He laid the phone down and went to get dressed so he could hit the gym then grab some food. Maybe since a few days had passed you would talk to him now? Before a mission popped up? The idea of you dodging bullets, angry at him…god if something happened to you.

You laughed when your back hit the mat and Bucky all but pouted “I feel like you’re making fun of me doll” you grinned up at him “I feel like you’re treating me like a damn china doll. I won’t break Barnes”

He held out a hand and pulled you to your feet. You held onto that hand then flipped up, hooking your legs around his neck and flipped him across the room. He landed with a grunt. You rolled to your feet and grinned at him, shifting your weight from hip to hip “Come on Bucky. Fight me!” 

He nodded “Alright, but if I hurt you..” you rolled your eyes “Jesus, I’ll yell pineapple” he busted out laughing because you, Yelena and Ava teased the super soldiers by making a safe word for the gym. Whether they liked it or not Pineapple was they were going too hard and needed to back off. “Good girl” he cooed as he grabbed you.

_______________________

John could hear the sounds of training before he made it to the door. Made sense someone else would already be up. He hadn’t expected however to walk in to Bucky straddling you. The anger that rolled through him at that. It took every ounce of self control he ever had to not hit Bucky.

“What the fuck is going on?” you shifted your hips to look out from under Bucky and your eyes widened slightly “Training?” you brought your head up and caught Bucky in the face and when his eyes teared up you flipped your positions pinning him instead. You grinned down at Bucky “Told ya I’d get ya” he rolled his eyes “Wouldn’t have if Walker hadn’t have interrupted”

John scoffed and your eyes flew to him “What?” he waved a hand towards you, considering you were quite literally still sitting in Bucky’s lap, your hands holding his arms down despite John knowing for a fact Bucky could have gotten up easily. “Now I know why you didn’t want me I guess” 

“Excuse me?” you jumped off Bucky so fast you rolled the man to the side in the process. John stayed in place, anger roaring to life in him. You traded him for a different super soldier he guessed.  “You heard me peaches. If you didn’t want me, you could’ve told me face to face. Not on a damn gossip site so you could start fucking Barnes”

“WOAH” Bucky called and you spun pointing a finger at Bucky “Don’t. I can take care of myself” Bucky threw his hands up and you spun back around towards John “You are the world’s biggest fucking idiot” he laughed “I know, I didn’t see this going on”

A sound that was something between a gasp and groan left you. You drew back and open handed slapped him. He could taste his teeth cut into his cheek slightly. Damn that was a hard slap. You shoved his chest, walking forward and despite himself he gave ground. He moved back until his back hit the wall behind you “You’re a stupid bastard because you’re acting like I did something wrong!”

“Tell me what I did then!” He was trying to keep his voice low. He knew you hated raised voices. You looked over at Bucky “Leave” “Are you sure?” Bucky asked and John nearly growled “God dammit she’s safe with me regardless Bucky”

Bucky walked out and that was when John noticed the shake in your hands, the tears in your eyes. What had he done? “You want to know?” you whispered and he nodded, hands going to your hips but you brought your knee up and he barely caught it before it connected with his groin.

“I fell in love with you John. I’m in love with you” he nodded, letting your leg go and trying to ignore how hard his heart flipped at hearing you say you loved him. “Then why tell the world I’m still in love with Olivia and staying single for her?” he asked. You swallowed hard, tears escaping your eyes “Because the first time we had sex, the first time I allowed myself to have you, to trust you completely. You were buried inside of me and you know what you said when you came?”

He tried to wrack his brain to think but all he could remember was how amazing you felt, the emotions flowing through him at having you in his arms. “I don’t know” he admitted. You nodded, sniffling back tears, a wet laugh escaping you. You stepped closer, lips nearly touching his as you whispered “Fuck, feels so good Liv” 

He froze, the words chasing themselves through his mind. No no no no no. He didn’t.  He wasn’t thinking about her. He really wasn’t. He was thinking about you. He was in in love with you. He was just thinking earlier that day about telling you about visitation that mixed with the fact that he hadn’t been with anyone but her in so many years. It had to be that. He’d never… “Baby..” he tried but you used the momentary distraction to bring up your other knee and this time it hit its target. A strangled groan left him. You patted his shoulder “Just know I was actually thinking about you John” then walked out of the gym.

John allowed himself the luxury of sliding down the wall after you were out of the gym. He sat down, clutching his body. What the fuck had he done? Was there even a chance of fixing this? He couldn't imagine the pain he caused you. If roles were reversed and you'd said Bucky's name? God. His head fell back against the wall with a heavy thud. "Fuck" he grunted. He loved you, so damn much and now he'd fucking lost you because he couldn't control his mouth. He wanted you, only you but knew there was no way for you to ever believe that now.

@lilrainbowcloud

@desimarie12

@abaker74

@bonkuss

“What do we do if he’s just using her to try to get Olivia back?” Yelena asked Ava. Neither of them knew you were in the hallway, just shy of their view. You held a hand over your mouth so neither of them would hear you. “We will be there for her. No matter what. They’re both grown” was Ava’s response.

Then you’d overheard Bucky on the phone with Sam. “This is the worst decision she’s ever made. He was with her for how many years? That doesn’t go away” you felt your heart twist. Maybe they were right? Maybe you should just break things off with John before it went any deeper, while you could still be on the same team? The truth was though you were already in love with him. You were just a fucking idiot that let your heart land where it may.

You were curled up on your bed, flipping through a notebook you shared with Yelena and Ava. The three of you used it for days when you didn’t necessarily want to talk but needed to communicate but wasn’t on a mission so this was the means you used. You laughed lightly looking at a sketch of cucumber, Yelena’s guinea pig that Bob had done on the corner of one of the pages. 

When there was a heavy handed yet soft knock at your door you knew who it was. “Yeah John?” you called out and the door opened, he peeked his head in. His blonde locks were falling into his face a little, he pushed them back and offered you a smile. He was dressed in just jeans and a t-shirt. None of you had been forced to leave the tower for a couple days so no one was really dressed outside for comfort.

“Hey sweetheart. You want to go grab dinner or something?” you shook your head “No thanks” his smile fell slightly “Did I do something?” you shifted to sit up, sliding the notebook into your side drawer “No, I just… I don’t feel like the public eye right now” he let out a breath “Oh, ok. Good. I mean…I thought I did something to you, to upset you” “No” you assured him with a smile, half expecting him to leave but he hovered, just inside the door. 

“Was there something else?” you asked, feeling your skin itch with the urge to touch him, to have him touch you but you knew if you didn’t pull away first he would never. “I miss you darlin” he admitted and you laughed lightly “I’m right here John” he nodded “I’ll call for takeout. Want your usual?” you nodded “Yeah, that’s fine”

While John was gone to meet the delivery person you took a shower. You were just towel drying your hair when he knocked again. You walked out the bathroom and across your room to open the door. He  held up the takeout bag “Here honey” you smiled “You don’t want to eat with me?” he shrugged “I don’t want to crowd you” and you felt your heart twist. God why did he have to be so fucking sweet when it was just the two of you? Why couldn’t he be the arrogant asshole? Why did he have to look like a six foot two kicked puppy? 

“Come on John” you pushed the door open a little further and he looked like you’d offered him a million dollars. You rolled your eyes and bumped your shoulder against his “Shoes off Walker and do not spill anything on my bed!” he grinned “Yes ma’am”

You’d just meant to eat with him. You hadn’t meant to eat with him then for him to ask if you wanted to watch a movie and that would result in you going back to his room with him.

John was laid back on the headboard and you were laying back against him.  He had his arms around you as the two of you watched whatever old western he clicked on. You were attempting to fight the urge to pick at him about it. When you tilted your head back however he was already looking at you instead of the screen “What?” you whispered quietly and he shook his head “You’re just really damn beautiful”

You felt your heart flip at his words. Moments like this you wanted to believe him, wanted him to want you as much as you wanted him. You smiled “If I’m so beautiful then kiss me” a smirk slipped onto his face “Yes ma’am” one of his hands came up to hold the back of your head, holding you in place as his lips crashed against yours. When his other hand slipped down and squeezed your thigh just hard enough to pull a gasp out of you he used that moment to roll his tongue into your mouth. You whined lightly against him and his grip tightened just a little. 

You broke away from his mouth, chest heaving “I um..damn” you whispered. You and John had done a lot but hadn’t quite crossed the line into penetrative sex yet. He had his reasons, he didn’t want to hurt you. You were nervous. This felt different. 

“We don’t have to do anything more” he promised, eyes resting on your lips. You wanted him so damn bad. “Do you want me John?” you asked and he nodded, “More than damn near anything I can think of sweetheart” you smiled “Are you sure?” “Yes” he replied so you nodded, turning to slip your legs over his lap, straddling him. He watched you with wide eyes. “I’m trusting you here John. Please don’t hurt me” 

“I promise you, I’ll make you feel good” he swore, pulling you down into a kiss that made your entire body feel like a live wire was run across it. How in the hell he could make you feel more with a kiss than some men had made you feel with their entire bodies was beyond you. “Quit teasing Walker” you breathed into the kiss and he swatted your ass lightly “Be nice baby. I’m gonna take care of you. I promise”

His hands slipped under your shirt, pulling it up and over your head. “So beautiful” he whispered, leaning forward to trail open mouthed kisses along your throat. Your head fell back, a moan escaping you. “Feels good” you breathed and felt him shift under you. You tugged at his shirt and he smiled “You want it off baby?” “Please” you pleaded so he leaned up far enough to tug the shirt off and tossed it. Once his chest was bare to you, you allowed yourself the opportunity to admire the skin now exposed to you, nails lightly scratching the patch of strawberry blonde hair on his chest. You caught his lips in a kiss, rolling your hips against his and his head fell back then “Damn sweetheart” you laughed “Enjoying yourself?” 

He looked up at you, blue eyes shining brightly even in the dimmed lights of his room “I have the most gorgeous woman in my lap, yeah I’m enjoying myself” you rolled your eyes “Quit flirting. You’ve got me” he laughed, pulling you to his chest “Never” and flipped the two of you so your back was to the bed “Now, let’s see how many times I can make you cum before I ever take my damn jeans off” you grinned “Lets see what you’ve got” 

Never challenge a super soldier’s stamina. Your legs were quivering around John’s head. He’d made you see stars so damn many times with just his fingers and tongue. You’d discovered he loved getting praised and if you pulled his hair it unleashed an entirely different side of him. 

“John, please baby” you whimpered and he lifted his head, pressing a lingering kiss to your clit as he held your gaze “What do you need darlin?” you tried twice before getting enough air into your lungs “Need you, god I need you inside me” he smirked, pressing kisses against your thighs “Yes ma’am” 

He slowly kissed his way up your body, when he got to your mouth the kiss he left there was so gentle, so borderline loving it made your head spin. His large hands smoothed down your thighs, calloused fingers digging in before he cursed “I don’t have any fucking condoms. I didn’t plan on this” 

“I’m covered,” you told him. You’d just gotten a new IUD a couple months before, on top of doctor’s being fairly certain you getting pregnant was a very low possibility anyways. “Are you sure? We can wait” he offered and you shook your head “Please” his head fell over on your shoulder “Don’t beg for me, I’m not worth it” your fingers buried in their hair, tugging roughly until he lifted his head to look at you. You smiled at him “Yes you are. Now fuck me” 

He nodded “Ok” and pressed a kiss to your lips before lining himself up with your opening. The feeling of him stretching your body around him had a low moan falling from both of you. “Feels so good John” you whimpered and he laughed lightly “Just what I was gonna tell you”

____________________

He quickly found a pace that had your nails digging into his flesh, his hips snapping into yours with such a force small gasps were ripped from your throat. You could feel the tension in his hips as he held himself back and knowing that was just a portion of his strength? Fuck that did something to you.

“Please don’t stop” you begged, feeling yourself right on the edge of pleasure. He slipped a hand between you, fingers finding your clit. He teased tight circles onto the sensitive bud and you came, hard, shaking around him. His pace never changed, hips never slowed. 

He worked you through your orgasm then buried his face in his neck, chasing his own release. Your nails raked through his hair, down his back. Your breaths coming in sharp gasps. He had to be right there on the edge. He used one hand to lift your body, angling your hips just right and you felt him bury himself as deep as he could inside of you, thick spurts of cum painting your walls and right before you opened your mouth to say something he mumbled “Fuck, feels so good Liv”

You froze under him. It felt like your entire body had gotten dipped into ice water. Feels so good Liv. Liv. He was thinking about her. God, you were a fucking idiot. Everyone tried to warm you. You closed your eyes, begging your breathing to even out. The feeling of his cock buried in you, his body on top of yours made your stomach turn.

“I need to get up John” you whispered after a moment, opening your eyes. He was already looking at you, the bliss of release quickly fading by a look of confusion “Ok, is something wrong? Did I… oh god please don’t tell me I hurt you?” he gently pulled out of you and went to find his shirt to help you clean up but you shook your head “I’ll just take a shower back in my room”

“You’re not staying here?” he asked and almost sounded hurt. Fuck he was a good actor. How the hell had he failed drama class? “No, I um…I’m gonna go” you whispered, standing on shaking legs as he watched you. He slipped his boxers on and took a step forward, whispering your name “Talk to me. What did I do here? You told me you wanted me. I never would do anything you didn’t want. Please tell me I didn’t cross lines”

You shook your head, swallowing down tears because you didn’t want to set off alarm bells. “You didn’t John, I just I have a meeting early with Valentina’s people I just remembered. I’ll come find you in the morning after, ok?” “Ok” he said after a moment but you could tell he didn’t believe you. He took a step forward like he was going to try to kiss you but you stepped around him, using the excuse of plucking your shirt off the foot of the bed. “See you later Walker” you told him before damn near running out of his room. 

@lilrainbowcloud

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Bucky’s Apartment—Washington, D.C.

Hunched over the kitchen island, Bucky stood reading the documents Mr. Gary sent, brows furrowed in deep concentration. You stood beside him, hip brushing against his thigh, and feet bare against the cold tile.

You scooped up some fallen chilli with a torn piece of your bun and took a bite. A low hum of approval escaped your throat as you sucked residue from your thumb.

“This is better than sex,” you muttered, chewing thoughtfully.

Without glancing away from the page he was reading, Bucky bumped your shoulder. “That’s a lie if I ever heard one.”

A grin tugged at your lips. “I guess it depends on who the sex is with.”

Bucky rolled his eyes, shaking his head toward you. Then, like a graceful trash panda rummaging in the night, Bucky leaned forward, tipping his chili dog toward his chest. A splash of meat and sauce hit his white shirt, and onto his vibranium arm.

“Aw shit.” he groaned, looking between his shirt, and the chili dog.

“What happ—” You tried not to laugh as you looked up at him.

He sighed.

Your bottom lip tucked between your teeth, your eyes flickering between the tick of his jaw and the flex of his arm as he peeled his shirt. “How hard is it to get grease out of this?”

You raised an eyebrow. “Did you just ask me a laundry question?”

With a soft click, he popped off his vibranium arm, reaching in front of you to open the dishwasher. You watched as he set the arm on the bottom rack, like it belonged among the plates.

“You do that often?”

Now, in just his undershirt, he turned back to you. “What? It’s sustainable. And I thought you’d approve since Stark Industries' focus is cleaner energy.”

“No, I mean, I do approve. I just—” you chuckle softly. “I wasn’t expecting it.”

With that, he wrapped his right arm around your waist and gently tugged you toward the open space of the apartment.

“What are you doing, congressman?” you asked, a grin already etched across your lips.

Music that had been softly playing from Bucky’s sound system faded into something slower, and he rocked side to side a little. “Dancing. Isn’t that obvious?”

You rested your cheek against his chest, leaning in and following his lead as he slowly swayed you both.

After a few minutes of rocking, Bucky took a half-step back. There was a mischievous glint in his eyes before he spun you into a twirling circle. You laughed as the hem of your dress lifted slightly around your ankles. As you turned, you felt his hand leave your body—until he caught you, pulling you back to his chest.

“Show-off,” you laughed, breathless from the spin.

He placed a gentle kiss on the top of your head, and a smirk tugged at his lips. “Even with half the hardware, I’ve still got it.”

There were no words for a while. Just the music and the hum of the dishwasher. Your fingers traced absent patterns against his chest, feeling the rhythm of his chest rise and fall.

His hand slid from your back, up your side, and reached your cheek. His thumb brushes along your jaw, ghosting beneath your chin before tilting your face up. Only barely hesitated, his eyes flickering between your lips, then back to your eyes.

Slow and sure, he leaned down, his breath mingling with yours.

Your lips brushed against each other—

Then, as if on cue, a low vibration hummed from across the kitchen. Bucky’s phone.

At first, he didn’t move. Maybe he hadn’t heard it—or he didn’t want to. But it came again.

“Don’t answer it,” you whispered against his lips.

He didn’t pull away, yet he sighed. “I have to.”

“I know,” you nodded.

Bucky slowly stepped back, his eyes full of something unspoken.

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Still at Bucky’s Apartment—Washington, D.C.

The whirr of the dishwasher and the music had faded into silence. The only sound carrying through the apartment was your feet against the hardwood flooring and Bucky’s low voice. Firm but quiet. He stood back at the kitchen island, phone on speaker in his hand.

His vibranium arm, clean and dry, was now back in place. His white undershirt clung to him, and his shoulders were tense, and his jaw was tight.

You had changed out of your evening dress, now leaned lazily against the kitchen door frame in a black silk sleep gown, lace decorating the hem that brushed your mid-thigh.

At first, you stayed silent. Just watching him.

“I can,” he said, quiet and clipped. “But I don’t do that anymore.”

There was barely room for a pause before the unmistakable voice of Mel came through the receiver, cheerful and rushed: “Thank you, Congressman. Have a great night.”

Then, the line went dead.

Bucky exhaled, taking a moment before lowering the phone. He sensed your presence behind him, lips twitching into a half-smile as he turned to face you.

He saw it in your eyes—the fire—before you even spoke. You didn’t ask what she wanted. You didn’t have to.

“I need to leave in the morning,” you gave him a polite smile, keeping your voice even. “I’m gonna head to bed.”

Without waiting for his reply, you turned and disappeared down the hallway. As you moved, the slip clung to your skin, the dim light of the bedroom catching the black fabric.

Bucky exhaled heavily through his nose as he reached for a glass and opened the freezer.

He soon followed after you. The sound of Ice clinking against the glass echoed through the hallway.

“I’m not going to pretend like that call didn’t piss you off,” he said, setting the glass down on the bedside table. “And I would never insult you by acting like I didn’t notice.”

You shifted under the covers, your back still to him. The way you clutched the sheet to your collarbone showed him the tension you held. “It’s fine,” you muttered under your breath. “We’re not—you don’t owe me anything, Bucky.”

A metal hand moved under the sheets, around your waist, black and gold plated fingers spreading across the silk. Then, he twisted you over onto your back.

When you looked up, he leaned down, speaking directly into your ear, through gritted teeth. “I owe you a lot more than anything, sweetheart.”

You felt the sharp, biting, cold first. A piece of ice trailing from that sweet spot under your ear, down your neck, and over your collarbone.

You gasped. “Bucky—”

A drop of condensation rolled down your chest and between your breasts before evaporating. Only giving you a moment of soothe, before Bucky chased the chill with an ice cube between his teeth. Your back arched for him, the edge of his teeth grazing your sternum.

The sheets were gone, exposing your body. You hadn’t even noticed Bucky pulling them back. Too busy trying to keep your breathing regulated as the silk and lace of your gown began to bunch around your hips.

“Does that feel good?” he asked, brushing the ice over your ribs.

You couldn’t answer.

Clink.

Another cube met your hot skin.

Bucky traced a circle around your nipple. His cold breath fanning over your breast, his eyes darkening at the sight of the goosebumps forming.

You cried out as his lips closed around your nipple, the cold ice pressing against the skin. Your thighs clenched, the temperature contrast leaving you dizzy. You flew a hand to his hair, using him to anchor yourself.

The ice melted quickly.

His tongue became merciless, lapping you like he was trying to claim every inch of you. He gave a quick pinch with his teeth—you inhaled a hiss—before he moved lower down your body.

Clink.

The wetness of the next cube trailed along your stomach. You inhaled sharply as it dipped past the waistband of your underwear.

“Don’t—” you breathed.

“Don’t what, sweetheart?” he asked. “Don’t make you forget the way her voice sounded coming through my phone? Or, don’t make you come so hard that the only thing you remember is my name?”

“Asshole,” you rasped, your chest heaving under him.

He chuckled, sliding the underwear down your thighs, black lace gliding off your legs. He pressed his lips hungrily against the top of your thigh. Then another. Higher. Until the flat of his tongue pressed a slow strip against your core.

Clink.

The ice.

Your body relaxed when it came into contact with you.

Again, Bucky held it in his mouth using his tongue to roll it against your clit. His vibranium arm wrapped around your thigh, hand pressed into your lower stomach. Locking you down tight as you squirmed against his touch.

Began to alternate.

Tongue. Ice. Tongue. Lips.

His mouth never left you, devouring you. He only adjusted to ensure you felt everything. Every swirl. Every pulse. Every flick.

You fought against the tightening coil. Gasping, one hand clawing at the mattress cover, the other tight in his hair.

“Fuck—James—don’t fucking—” you moaned. “Don’t stop, please, James—”

That did it.

The heat of your body melted the ice cube til it was nearly done, but he didn’t need it as he went all in. His flesh hand reached up your body, wrapping around your neck as you began to unravel.

Your thighs trembled against his shoulders, your breath stuttering in pants. Then, with a strangled cry, you came.

He didn’t stop.

His tongue continued to work, letting you ride out the aftershocks. It was only when your body was oversensitive, and began to twitch against him that he relented.

Placing gentle, reverent, open-mouthed kisses against your inner thigh, he eased his grip. Rising slowly and crawling over your body.

You blinked up at him, dazed. His face was wet with you. A smug smile played on his lips, and his blue eyes darkened with lust.

He leaned down, faintly brushing his lips over yours. “Was that better than chilli dogs?”

You didn’t answer.

But your smile—that was enough of an answer.

★ ✮ ★ ☆ ☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆ ☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆ ☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆ ☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆ ☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆ ☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆ ☆ ★ ✮ ★ ☆ ☆ ★ ✮

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Your helmet hung loosely under your arm, your boots scraping against the cruiser's floor, fidgeting. Clones began to move around you in practised order as their voices blended in with the hum of the engine. 

You tried to shake off what Anakin had done to you. But you couldn’t ignore the pang in your heart. 

As you waited for the LAAT gunship to depart, you couldn’t miss the way you saw Rex shifting closer to you, inch by inch. 

Until he cleared his throat. 

“You holding up okay, General?” he asked cautiously. 

You blinked and offered him a tight smile. “I’m not a general,” you softly said, adjusting your gloves. 

Rex rubbed the back of his neck, a sheepish smile on his face. “You could’ve fooled me.”  He said, in an attempt to make you feel better. 

You offered a humorless laugh. “I’m just here to help.”

“And you’re doing more than that,” Rex said gratefully. 

Across the deck, Anakin shifted. 

There was a subtle roll of his shoulders, his head tilting ever so slightly as if he was pretending to study the map and not eavesdrop onto your conversation. You caught it without meaning to. 

And just as fast as you noticed, you dropped your gaze. Focus on the mission. That’s all you had right now.

--- --- --- --- --- ---

Eventually, the gunship roared as it broke the dry clouds of Saleucami, red dirt and dust flying as you descended. 

You stood in the troop bay, your blaster slung across your chest and your palms sweaty. It would be a lie to admit that you’re not nervous. You had fought in battles worse than this but not without your lightsaber. It wasn’t even clipped to your belt right now. 

You were a soldier now. Just like the clones. No Jedi robes, no cloak. INstead, you had armour padded fabric and tactical plates. As soon as the ship touched down, you moved. 

Cody’s voice cracked through the comms. 

“Rex, sweep through the pass. L/n, take the ridge and get eyes on the southern basin. There could be droids underground.”

“Copy that,” you muttered. 

Once the hatch opened, the hot air hit you like a furnace. It hadn’t since you and Dev were there. Still the same dry clay pit. 

Anakin wasn’t paired with you, of course he wasn’t. He hadn’t looked at you once.  He with some of his own troops from the 501st, and you with some of his. 

Dogma and Kix were by your back, “Keep low,” you whispered. “There might be thermal signatures by the rocks. Last time I was here, there were big cave pockets that tunnel out.”

Kix gave a low whistle, “guess you’ve been here more than us.” 

You shrugged, crouching near some scorched stones and you raised your macrobinoculars. There was movement, subtly but there was movement. 

“Something’s moving,” you said, marking it. “West quadrant. Might be droids.” You pulled out your rifle. 

And then a separatist droid stumbled into view, sparking, dragging one leg. 

You shot it clean through the processor. 

And then more. 

And more.

And more. 

The first shots rang out faster than expected. 

“L/n, cut off the canyon mouth!” Cody barked through the comms. 

“Already on it,” You said with clenched teeth. 

Blaster bolts sliced through the air around you. Droids were swarming. 

Dogma rolled beside you, “Ridge is clear!” 

You turned sharply to look and then a B2 battle droid breached through the rocks and opened fire. 

Immediately, you and Dogma turned to duck under a stone, blaster bolts leaving marks on said rock. 

You waited a couple seconds for the droid to automatically reload its bullets. As soon as you had the chance, you peered over and fired once –twice– at the centre of the droid. It collapsed onto the ground, dust flying as he fell. 

Dogma turned to you, “I-thanks, Commander.” You nodded at him. 

And then there was a flash of blue that tore through the smoke beside you. 

Anakin. 

It was hard to miss him, his saber blazing and his own armour now dusted red. His broad shoulders flexed with every movement. He effortlessly and confidently cut down droids in brutal strokes. 

He moved by instinct. Memory. Muscle. He deflected bullets like they were nothing and his saber kept swinging and spinning its own rhythmic dance. 

You couldn’t help but pause to watch. You hadn’t seen him fight like this since before Dev. And even then, you were beside him, not watching from the sidelines. 

He had a careless kind of confident look on his face. His presence burned and it was impossible to not feel it.

A stray bullet flew past your head, your ears rang as you duck. It immediately broke you out of your trance, and without thinking, you covered his flank. 

You continued this until the last droids began to fall. The tunnel network began to collapse itself under repeated pressure. You had watched both Anakin and Obi-wan sweep through the perimeter. 

Everything was quiet now. Rex moved past you, his shoulders brushing yours slightly. “Good work, Commander.” He said casually, trying to keep it normal. 

You shot him a small smile and a nod, “thanks.”

Cody knelt beside one of the wounded and talked quietly with him. 

You swung your blaster across your back. You still felt exposed. Your belt felt empty. Weightless. 

Cody then came up to you, his eyes measured but respectful. “I heard that the supply unit will move through this pass tomorrow now.” He nodded to you. “This mission’s a success.”

Sighing, you rubbed your eyes tiredly. “Good job, guys.” Your boots sunk in the hot Saleucami sand, leaving footprints behind. 

And then a crackle came in through the comms. 

“Everyone regroup at Point Bravo. Perimeter clear.” Anakin’s voice came out. 

Rex and the rest of the clones marched towards the rally point. Everyone’s tired. The hot air only makes it worse. Your feet dragged behind you and every minute that passed you would try to stifle a yawn. 

You could not wait to get out of this dreadful planet and scrub yourself clean. 

Obi-wan and Anakin were ahead now, chatting with Cody and Rex about the mission. You followed maybe ten paces behind them. Close enough that you could hear their boots shovelling against the ground but far enough that you would be forgotten. 

“I assume we will have the brief the Senate after this,” Obi-wan said, trying to lighten the weight, his hand running through his hair. 

Anakin nodded, “Padme was already pressing for details on the blockade before we left Coruscant.” 

You felt yourself stiffen at the mention of Padme. 

And then you felt something so small. Something nudging your sides. Something pulling you back. You stopped walking and your boot dragged along the sand. 

Something was here. Something was wrong. 

Biting your lip, you looked back at the craters formed during the battle. And then you turned your head towards the group that are now increasingly further away from you.

“I’m gonna quickly check something out,” you called out to Rex steadily, who now turned to look at you.

The squad slowed down and Obi-wan’s head lifted to look at you warily. Anakin straightened himself too, his hand instinctively brushed against his lightsaber, his eyebrows furrowed. 

He didn’t say anything and lips tightened. His body shifted and his boots ever so slightly moved —as if he wanted to go after you. 

Without a second thought, you turned your back on them and headed back to the ruins. Towards the force disturbance. 

Your blaster was raised and ready for anything that came. Your eyes squinted as you moved towards the left, behind some of the destruction, out of sight from the rest. 

You moved some more, allowing the Force to guide you. Further. 

It was like walking through a storm where you couldn’t see, you could just feel. Feel that something was wrong. 

Your heart was pounding against your chest and then—

Whrrrrrp

A hum of a lightsaber sliced out from the ruins and aimed for your head. You barely ducked as the crimson blade slashed the air where you had just been. 

“Arrgh!” You hit the ground hard on instinct, rolling through dust and dirt. 

And immediately you began to fire your blaster aimlessly, hoping that while you fell you landed a shot. The shots were deflected with little to no effort as the saber spinned through the smoke.

The attacker stepped into view, their body cloaked, but their face…

Master Sora Bulq.

Like he was twisted by the darkside. 

Sora’s blade readied to hit you but you fired again. 

One shot.

Two shots. 

Three shots. 

Four shots. 

And without fail, each shot was deflected with casual precision. Without warning, he struck down onto you. You dove sideways, your shoulder slamming into a rock and you shrieked in pain. 

You twisted, wanting to kick out his lightsaber from his hands without getting your arms impaled but he was faster, meaner. The hilt of his lightsaber slammed in your ribs sending you sprawling out on the floor, knocking the breath out of you.

You rolled and your blaster fell out of your hands, your hands scrambling through the dirt. 

Pain flared sharply underneath your armour as you tried to get away from the crimson of the lightsaber. 

Without a second thought, Master Bulq reached out with his hands and pushed you. The force flinging your body towards a boulder. Your head slammed against the rough surface. 

Thud

You couldn’t scream in pain. Your voice hoarse and all air escaping from your lungs. 

Your ears began to ring and the desert began to tilt. Light burst as your eyes rolled to the back of your head for a moment. You slumped. Gasping. The taste of blood in your mouth. And then something wet dripping down your forehead. 

Your fingers scraped uselessly at the ground, wanting to push but you couldn’t. They had barely moved. 

Your vision blurred and the force kept screaming at you. Your eyes fluttered, trying to keep them open. 

Then there was a violent shift in the force. A snap. A fit of rage. 

Without warning, two figures emerged from the dust with beams of light swinging with them. Anakin dove in, throwing his saber down with full force. 

You couldn’t move and your ribs screamed in pain. Your mouth agape as you try to take in small breaths, your head lulling to the side. 

Hits and more hits.

You couldn’t make out anything anymore. 

Their figures were blurry and you couldn’t hear anything past the ringing in your skull. You tried your hardest to stay awake, your body falling in and out of consciousness in lapse.

There were clashes and screams of laser on laser. Obi-wan threw his own arm up, pulling Bulq to the floor. His lightsaber fell from his hands and his body slumped. Anakin surged through, his saber raised to finish it. 

Something muffled. Like they were talking. Or screaming. You couldn’t hear anymore but Anakin was pulled back by Obi-wan. 

You couldn’t feel your shoulders or your arms. It was all numb. You fell out of consciousness. And then fell in. And out. And in. 

A figure rushed to your side, the weight of their feet made a crunchy sound on the ground. 

“Hey — hey.” Their voice, closer than expected. Rougher. 

He tried to lift you up without hurting you any further but you fell limp and tired. Your body fell forward and collapsed immediately onto his chest. 

Anakin’s.

His strong arms immediately wrapped around you before you fell past him. You tried to speak but your mouth fell open. The goddamn ringing wouldn’t go away and everything felt tipsy and blurry. 

“Got you,” he muttered, so soft that it could have just said it to reassure himself.

You let him carry you, lifting your body effortlessly and so tightly that he was scared you would slip past his hands. That you would leave him.

Anakin’s breaths came fast. 

His eyes darted across your bruised lips and the trickle of blood that fell down your forehead. His gloved hands cradled the back of your head. Your skin was burning and your armour was streaked with dirt and ash. 

“Y/n,” He said louder now, watching the way your eyes were looking at him but not seeing him. “Stay with me.” His throat was closing up and he could feel his eyes beginning to sting. 

“Anakin!” Obi-wan called out. “We need to move her to the med-bay now-”

“She’s not breathing right.” Anakin’s voice shook.. His own chest heaving and stray strands of hair fell onto his face. 

“She–she…her head…and..her ribs,” Anakin struggled to find the right words. 

“We will lose her if we don’t move now.”

He couldn’t lose you. Not like he lost his mother. You were right here in his arms and he wouldn’t let you go away. 

Anakin moved fast, faster than he had ever did before. 

The hum of the ship faded into static. You weren’t sure what had happened. When the medics had begun to work on you, the cold bacta gel against your ribs. Or when Anakin had finally let go.

If he did at all. 

The world blurred. And you found yourself being pulled in. Pulled into a flicker.

A moment straight from the force.

--- --- --- --- --- ---

You were seventeen again. 

Right before the war had begun and you were just two padawans 

Smiling into your pillow late at night. The temple humming with cool ambience.

Anakin had snuck into your quarters, again. You felt his hands combing through your hair, so gently. Sometimes he would braid little pieces, and they would fall out during missions. 

You moved until your forehead pressed against his collarbone, your lips ghosting just above his skin. 

“I wish we could be together. For real.” Your voice came out, barely a whisper. 

“We are for real,” he murmured, fingers still threading through your locks. 

“Mhmm,” you hummed, planting a kiss on his neck. Anakin felt a smile growing on his face, his fingers now moved to tuck the hair behind your ear. He then leaned forward, and kissed your temple once. 

You didn’t say anything, pulling back enough just to see his eyes. His amber eyes that scanned your face in love, taking in every feature of yours, his fingers caressing the parts he just gazed at. 

You missed this. Missed him. 

Your body twitched. 

And then your monitor spiked. 

--- --- --- --- --- ---

Eyes fluttering open against the blinding medbay lights, you groaned quietly. You felt your scalp tingling and your sore limbs on the bed. 

There were bandages wrapped around your torso and some on your head. Your armour was gone and you were in a medical robe. It was hard to ignore just how useless you felt.

Your first mission back and you were already injured on the bed. You couldn’t blame yourself, really. You had a blaster and he had a lightsaber.

Beside you, on the chair, was Anakin. His chair was far too close than you liked. You were less than an arm's reach away from him. His clenched hands were wrapped around his body, his eyes closed with a tired but hard expression on his face. 

You didn’t know what to say, if you should call out to him or ignore him. 

But the force had other plans. It shifted the air in the room, causing Anakin to cautiously open his eyes, his gaze meeting yours. 

Anakin’s mouth fell slightly agape, surprised that you had woken up. He cleared his throat, wanting to find the right words to say. 

“I…” His voice came out low. 

“How are you feeling?” He came up with. 

You didn’t know what to say. There was a right between you and Anakin. Ever since the meeting, it had only gotten worse and the last person you wanted to wake up to was him. 

“Fine.” You hoarsely said. Your voice clearly hasn’t been used for however long it was you were in here. 

Anakin nodded, inhaling deeply to calm him down. 

“You had a pretty bad concussion.” He revealed, “If he had pushed you any harder…you might not have made it.” 

You stayed silent, letting the words settle in the room. Your hands absently minded rubbed the bandages, feeling the fabric in between your fingers. 

“You were out for a day...Mast-” He cut himself off. “-Sora has already been handled by the council.” 

You still said nothing. You didn’t want Anakin to be one to explain these things to you. You wanted Obi-wan maybe, or no one. Just not Anakin.

Anakin felt the tension in the room and gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing. 

And then finally, like he was debating against it, he spoke up again. 

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” 

The words hung in the air, his voice rough and apologetic. Seeing you on the floor, your body exhausted and on the brink of death. Seeing someone's lightsaber aimed at you to kill you. It changed something inside of him. He wouldn't lose you like his mother. As he waited in the medbay for you to wake, he swore he wouldn't let himself get angry again at you. He swore he would apologise and try to fix your relationship with him.

He shifted awkwardly, his boots scuffing against the tiles. 

“Back at the briefing,” his voice lowered. “I’m sorry, Y/n. I was hurt. I was angry and I didn’t mean to-” 

“Angry about what?” You scoffed, a look of disbelief on your face. “You were the one who came arguing with me at the temple.” 

Anakin was taken back by the sharpness in your voice. 

“Dev told me.” His eyebrows furrowed. 

You shook your head confused. “Told you what?” 

“He told me that you listened to my messages.” Anakin said. “For the entire year.” 

You flinched.

“And you didn’t respond.” Anakin’s voice grew louder but he tried to maintain his composure. 

You laughed in disbelief, tears began to prick your eyes. He had no idea. He really had no faith in you that he believed you would not answer him. That you didn’t care. 

“You really think I didn’t try?” Your voice broke, water began to visibly well up in your eyes that Anakin felt his stomach twist in guilt. 

“I was trying, Anakin. The stupid device broke and I couldn’t relay any messages back.” Your voice cracked. 

“Y/n…” 

Your chest was screaming in protest under the bandages as you felt your back straighten, but you ignored it. 

“You keep doing this, Anakin!” You said, your voice rising. “Over and over!” Tears began to stream down your face, blurring your vision. You couldn’t take it anymore. Even after all the shit you have been through, he had no faith. Even while you were in the med bay bed, there was no comfort. Nothing. 

Anakin felt your words hit him harder than any wound he had taken in battle. He watched your body tremble under pure exhaustion and betrayal. 

“Y/n, please.” Anakin extended his hand, trying to reach out to you but you jerked back like his touch was fire. And that broke something inside of him. He had hurt you to the point where you wouldn’t even let him touch you. 

“And Padme?”

“Padme?” Anakin furrowed his eyebrows. 

“You think it doesn’t hurt me when I see you close to her?” Your voice broke. “I used to come to you when we were together,” You pointed a finger at him. “I told you I was scared. I told you she liked you!”

Anakin’s mouth parted, stunned. “There’s nothing going on between me and Padme.” His voice was fast, not defensive but scared. Like he needed to say it before you could turn away. 

You blinked. You didn’t trust him like you used to. 

“You think I would’ve came running to you the second you fell?” Anakin’s throat began to close up. “I would have left your side as soon as I knew you were safe in the medbay. I would have left for the mission briefing like I was supposed to.” 

He swallowed. 

“It was always you.”

And then quieter. 

“It’s still you.”

You weren’t crying about your injuries or the battle. You were crying because of him. Because of what he had done to you. And he hated watching you unfold like this in front of him.

Tears began to sting his own eyes —fast and hot. 

“I didn’t know,” he whispered. “I didn’t know you tried—” 

“I did everything I could,” you sobbed. “I was so alone, Anakin.” Your voice cracked.

“And all i wanted —all i wanted— was for you to believe in me when I came back.” You choked out, the palm of your hands aggressively trying to wipe away the tears that wouldn’t stop falling. 

“I’m sorry, Y/n.” He looked down in guilt, his hair falling above his eyes, hiding them. 

“I know I went too far! It’s just that–” his hands clenched, “-just something inside me — snapped.”

You shook your head, slow and exhausted. “Sometimes I don’t know who’s in there.” 

“But Y/n—” 

“I-I just…can’t do this anymore, Anakin.” You couldn’t stop crying now, your hands trembling. 

Anakin pressed both his hands to his face and dragged them down. His chest rose and fell in ragged breaths. His mistakes crushing him from the inside. 

“I’ll fix this,” he said. “I swear to the Force, I’ll fix it.” 

“I don’t want you to fix this,” You gasped in another sob. “I just wanted you there.” You wanted him to help you, support you and comfort you all those times the Council spoke to you like you were nothing. 

You didn’t want him to ignore you and in anger and rage. 

“I’m sorry, Y/n. For all of it.”

Anakin didn’t speak again. He didn’t have anything else to say. He stood up to leave, his hands shaking and his heartbroken.

He finally understood just how badly he had lost you. 

A/n: SRRY IT WAS A LITTLE LATE ive just been stuck with Uni labs all week </3 ALSOOO I REACHED 2K FOLLOWERS thxs so much yall im loving this little community on here genuinely i get so happy reading all ur asks and comments.

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