”And never have i been disappointed in my du’a’s to You.”

a person’s mistakes are not the sum of who they are or who they have been. every person has a consciousness, a perceiving and reacting heart, that is vaster than their actions.

if you think, i forgive myself, my consciousness, for actions of my past and smaller consciousnesses, so that in the present, I don’t suffer under the weight of my own shame, and think this over and over, then perhaps you will come to peace.

we worry that if we stop remembering our mistakes, we might repeat them. but the body remembers mistakes for you, so that you never truly repeat them. your body remembers the lessons you’ve learned, which means you don’t need so many bad memories. your heart need not carry such shame.

sometimes i visually look like i am being too easy on myself and letting myself be irresponsible. this always coicides with the times that something deep down inside me is being merciless towards myself. so it’s all out of alignment. when the thing very deep down inside you is good to yourself, believing of your worthiness, then on a day to day outer basis you actually do take stronger responsibility for yourself and behave with more grace. when you hate yourself, deep down, you don’t always believe you’re even capable of doing better.

when shame is let go of, it is not as though we lose ourselves and our integrity. instead, it’s the opposite: the less shame you have, the more graceful you are. the better you listen to others. shame ultimately protects you from nothing. it does nothing that a sense of integrity doesn’t do better. shame serves no purpose towards a good existence. it does not make you a better person.

some people forgive themself for their mistakes very quickly with no thought for who they’ve affected. That isn’t what i mean, here, either. instead, i mean—to look at yourself honestly, see all your actions’ consequences truly, and not flinch or look away—and after all that looking, still forgive yourself—to keep your integrity and self-mercy together in combination—that is the ideal.

But when the sun has gone to bed suddenly my time is my own. I can do with it what I will and oftentimes that means the cleaning I’ve been meaning to do, the projects I’ve been putting off. They suddenly don’t seem overwhelming to me.