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Week 6: I fell inlove with you.

As I was thinking yesterday of what I can write for this last blog, I remembered the day my Dad bought this guitar for me.

When I was a kid, as a beginner, I really had a hard time learning all the basic chords, simple progressions, strumming up and down and all that stuff. I nearly give up and lose interest. Especially, seeing those calluses on my fingers.

One day, I realized that despite all challenges while learning this instrument, I eventually started to enjoy it. I would always have that feeling of excitement of learning whenever my Dad will teach me new guitar lessons again. And as of now, I can write my own compositions of different themes of songs with the use of my passion, playing guitar.

I can compare these happenings with what happened to me and all my realizations this week.

My subject in Calculus made me thought of this.

We had a take home seatwork and as usual, I won't take it seriously. I was chill at first.

I am not studios. I don't like doing a serious review for my exams, quizzes, seatworks and any other works related to school.

Still I wanted to get high grades despite my laziness. I do participate in class, but not that all out. I was a complacent student. What's my final score is my score. I won't do anything for it. But everytime I would get low grades, deep inside me always wanted to get the opposite scene.

Then one day of this week, I realized that I won't excel in school if I won't push and help myself doing what I should be doing.

With that in my mind, I started to quit the attitude of always settling for "okays".

Not to brag, but I literally pushed myself answering all the given problem in any different subject we have on a particular day.

More than doing it for show-offs, I learned that It's also for my sake. It's also for a brighter future that is ahead of me. It's also for my growth as a student.

It's also for me to make an impact and share to you that we should never settle easily for something because God sees our capabilities more than we can see.

Just like my life in playing guitar, it was painful at first. It's a kind of hard to swallow pills. But as I continue doing it, I became better in it. I literally loved doing it.

It's called "moving out from your comfort zone."

I'm still working on with my math skills. *nice.*

So....

To all people who would always tell me

"Kaya mo 'yan!" "Rest, Sam."

You guys are awesome! I am forever grateful to God giving people like you to me.

This week is a pretty good week. There's considerably more fun things that happen if you compare it to last week.

Sunday was a pretty dynamic day. I woke up sick that day, which made me grumpy and gloomy. I just feel weak and tired and I remember having a mental breakdown that morning. During the CPR training in school though, my mood changed for some reason. I was happier and much more energetic.

Here's the good part. After the CPR training, we went to Shakey's to eat (I don't know why we ate there, considering how sick I am). Oh well, after eating, dad said he's going to Okada Manila for a ceremony or something like that. He showed us his money. I forgot why he did (I was busy eating my carbonara). For some reason, I joked about a new cellphone. To my surprise, my dad agreed to buy me one.

A few hours later, we went to MOA, while our dad was in Okada. I was searching up which cellphone to buy. I wasn't really hoping for a good one, because our budget is only 13k. Usually the gaming phones are 15k+. I was again surprised that there was a very high sale in Vivo store, so it immediately caught my eye. The salesman was salestalking me to buy the Vivo S1, which is not really my type (and it's also more expensive). But at that time I was so captivated to my first choice, so I was like “shut up and take my money”. After that, we strolled around the mall. Y'know just buying food and lazing around until our dad is finish in the ceremony. The next day, I just organized the new phone to my liking, and maybe studied a little bit.

On Tuesday, after a very very long vacation, I went to school again. And oh boy I was sick. What a bad day to start the school. To make it worse, the lesson in Math 1 was being a pain in the ass too. My mind can't just work at that time. That didn't stop me to flex my new phone though. :)

The next day, we had that lesson in Math 1 again. We had a seatwork, which I though was hard. My mind is so beaten up at that time. I felt sad and insecure too because I thought everyone got the right answer already. The people in my back was so chill and they're laughing a lot. I realized, though, that they're not that ahead of me after the class.

At home, I still continued doing the Math 1 seatwork. I was so pissed off because I realized that all possible rational zeros didn't work. It was such a waste of time, considering how many HW's I had in Physics at that time.

The next day was so different though, I was very happy. In contrast, the day after was not. I was kinda feeling down this day. My brother was sick so he was absent. I was feeling haggard throughout the day, and it's getting worse hour by hour. The air conditioner above me was dripping wet too, which just made the day worse. What a bad day to end the week. :(

Our blogging journey has come to an end and this is one of my favorite projects. So that means after this blog we have to react each others blogsヾ(´︶`♡)ﾉ

Monday, we have no classes at this time and I am recovering from my sickness since Saturday, good thing hot lemons help and medicine. Also I decided to play with my phone to cherish the last no classes day.

Tuesday, we were announced that we wouldn't have any sembreak because of the suspension last week. I was VERY sad because if only the suspension didn't happen we would have sembreak. I really cried about this when I got home, and luckily one of my friends are in the same boat because she doesn't have sembreak #JusticeForPsyche

Wednesday, we finally finished our report which made me breathe because that four days is literal hell for me. I did a little celebration while doing my homework and also play with my phone after I did.

Thursday, We have no homework at this moment. But we did zumba which I did not plan and my mind is telling me "Yow what ze heck are ya doin?" I know I am weird, and I'm proud of it, to those who don't I hope you get mosquitoes while you sleep😊

Friday, I only realized what the pain is causing on my left cheek is because my gum hurts so bad, I found out recently while writing this xD. This day is pretty great to be honest while my gum hurts because we have a lot of freetime YEET. When I was about to go home I noticed that I left my lunch bag at the classroom, so I ran while panting towards the room and I have to run back down. My mom says its for me to get an exercise but its fine.

That's it, last blog for today and I am sad that this is about to end, but I ain't planning to delete this app because here is where I get my resources for somethings.

To the person who will react to my blog, PLEASE DO REACT and don't make me cry at your reaction to my blog, don't put hurtful words because my heart is too weak for that😙, and if you do react hurtly I guess I have to accept it while pain will spread inside of me.....

#LastDayOfBlog

#NoSembreak

This week has been a flat week again. I'm pretty sure that's because of the consecutive class suspensions that happened this week. We only had two classes, and one of that is a half day.

Monday started as a gloomy day. The day was cold and lonely, which kinda made me tired to go to school. Everyone was feeling the same. In fact, when I came, there wasn't that much people yet. I said to myself that it was going to be a boring day. I was wishing for a class suspension because of that. Luckily, there was a class suspension, just a little late. That made my day, of course.

The next day, I wasn't really hoping for another suspension. We just had a class suspension yesterday. But to my surprise, there was still another class suspension. I was kinda happy because I didn't really study for the upcoming Filipino quiz.

Something a little bad happened, after that day. Our principal came to our classroom for some reason I don't know. It was very surprising because we didn't even had a warning. Turns out it was to check about our behavior, which we failed badly. :/

Another class suspension happened the next day. I wanted to go to the mall that day, so I kinda urged my mom. Thankfully, she was actually planning to go to SM Trece. Right after that, I just lazed around the whole day.

Then, another class suspension happened this day. I was half-heartedly wanting it because I kinda miss some of my subjects. Although, I guess I should be happy as I'll probably busy the next week. It was another cold day so we had a big breakfast. I kinda ate too much. In fact, I wanted to eat more but I can feel their eyes staring at me so I decided to hold back my urge.

This week was a little boring to be honest. There wasn't really that much highlights, atleast that's what I think so.

On Monday and Tuesday, our Science teacher is absent. Because of that, we had 2 free timeslots for 2 days. I don't remember how I spent those free timeslots. To be honest, I can't even remember anything in those days.

On Wednesday, our classmates made Mac and cheese. I ate some of it. It was kinda chewy because the pasta wasn't that much cooked, which is caused by the lack of time. Atleast the taste was good, I love cheese. :)

After Wednesday, it's our time to cook pasta. I fucking love our pasta. I've been wishing, maybe even imploring, for a pesto pasta. Ours was carbonara with some pesto mixed. As I smell the aroma, I can't help but jump out of excitement. Of course, in our recess, we immediately started to eat the pasta. And the taste . . . I felt like I haven't eaten for years. In fact, even after lunch, I was still thinking of the pasta. I love pasta. (Also, it's not chewy because we precooked the pasta <3)

At that same day, my English teacher discussed about Psychology. Not related to English but I'm not complaining. Actually, the original plan was to study Figures Of Speech. Luckily, instead of listening to my classmate's presentation, we studied Psychology. After that, I was happy because we wouldn't have classes on Friday. Another three-day vacation.

Week 3: Should I let go of it?

Have you ever tried seating on a chair with wheels and make yourself spin at the same time?

Probably, it would be fun at first but it's a sure ball that when you get dizzy, you'll stop.

What I learned this week is that in everything that we do, we should know what are its limits.

We should be that wise enough to choose things that are beneficial.

I learned that not all things that make you happy will stay forever. Most of them, will be gone in its distinct time. How ironic that what makes you happy would also be the same reason why you would be sad the most.

Let go of anything that weighs you down for you to be pulled up by God.

Be challenged now, enjoy later.

Let go. Let God.

Third blog cause I'm crazy for myself. Everyday I feel like "I just wanna go home because I'm crazy for myself" and now its Friday and now lets celebrate *insert bass boosted music*

Monday, This is clearly the worst day ever to be honest xD. The anime movie called "Weathering with you" has been released in the cinema and my broke self can't go since Home and I are meant to be with each other because with him imma feel rich xD. In English we watched this movie called Dead poets society. One of my friends, lets call him 'Jin' because of his privacy and I don't want to reveal real names here....anyways he gave me a spoiler in Weathering with you because he had watched it and I can't be in peace anymore. Then I gave 'Jin' a spoiler from Two Heroes, the best parts😂😂😂. Well he sent me a voice mail that said "I'm sorry" Now when you give me a spoiler I spoil you back xD #PleaseComfort'Jin'XD

Tuesday, I honestly don't remember what happened in that time because time flies really fast like him leaving me alone so quickly xD. So I'll just punch here my thoughts. Wait I remembered xD, so we were told to print pictures that we like and represent as us for a side silhouette of us to collage it. Basically my pics are mostly anime, webtoon and apps because I am afraid of putting the pics of my biases in the kpop world xD.

Wednesday, When I got home from school I felt like a weak pancake. I felt really bad at that time. Sorry if this paragraph is short since I don't remember what happened.

Thursday, It was really fun yesterday since in Mapeh time we were doing zumba xD. I was sweaty that time and I didn't get to bring an extra T-shirt. We continued watching Dead poets society and halfway to the movie someone committed suicide which made everyone devastated since they liked the guy *I can't remember his name don't come after me xD* Well time to put this 'When your favorite character dies' some of our classmates are crying I didn't cry, I understand their pain. I remembered last summer vacation where me and my friend were watching a traditional kdrama and this scene were my fav character got stabbed because he saved his friend from getting stabbed from his brother. You did not know I cried that much #ThinkHappyThoughts. My fav scene from dead poets society is that where the students say "O captain my captain" and they all stand up from the table.

Friday, We were having much fun in that time because some of my classmates and I are talking about love shit like that xD. Then later on the talk continued till English where we study about poetry. At the end of the discussion since its dismissal we all stand up from the table xD

I hope I don't get spoilers like 'Jin' gave me since he is a freaking baka and didn't know how I will feel. But hey even if he did that I still love that friend....special mention yieee.

#LoveYourself

#StudyFirstMyDudes

This day stood out to me more than the rest. This is a narrative-like story, based on today.

3 Hours

I am very much tired after all the criticism I’ve received from the writer’s seminar with an actual professional editor. I feel miserable because the time I spent to write something so short was brushed off. The reason is that I have forgotten the basics. You see, I realized that I have really lost my touch in poetry. Nothing else in my notebook that I wrote out of love, anger, or hate, etc., means anything anymore. I have tried to find the meaning behind the flowery words that I use, but nothing.

I have lost myself again.

I am happy though. After the conference, a friend of mine (Let’s call her E,) finally confessed her longing for her freedom after being chained so harshly by her own parents. E has been treated not like a child but as a slave they had paid for. In return for keeping her alive, E has to keep up with her parent’s expectations.

This, to me, has made me disappointed in myself because my troubles were pale in comparison to hers. E has been dreaming of freedom while I had too much of that freedom.

Walking home was  the strangest thing after seeing E cry her heart out of hopelessness, it was all too new to me. To be comparing myself to others like that because I have always known that, “yeah, people are different, as am I,” however.

I have never looked at myself so weirdly before. I had always known the answer to my questions, except for one where I had my heart broken. So now I wondered why. The second time where I had lost myself into the ocean I so willingly plunged into, knowing what was in it, the ocean was myself. 

Ha-ha I’m a goner. An absolute fucking goner. 

I digress, the sky turned the same shade of violet of the background color of the Blue Apple I had drawn. I had wondered if I the world was telling me I was its canvas. Before returning home in a haze, I had just realized as I was in front of the gate that drops of water fell from the sky. As were my eyes, filled with meaningless tears.

The heavens, as I’d like to believe, was mourning for the loss of my heart. It stopped after I was done crying, my hot tears broke out into heaves because they fell no more. No more.

Entering my house, greeted with the familiar smell of my cat, I sneezed. I sat in the dining table continuing my monologue, I could breathe properly from the breakdown in front of my home. I wondered vaguely;

I had tried so hard to keep up with a facade that had not suited me. I’m trying my best now. So why?

Why now, when I’m truly honest, that the world has suddenly turned gray?

My fake happiness when I was younger,  I assure you, was just an illusion even for me. I never really had any real problems otherwise. Is my honesty the problem? Is my change the problem? Am I the problem?

Week 2: "Grace Extended"

"You don't deserve to be forgiven, you've hurt me so much." Is this week's not-so-good adventure.

Admit it, one of the hardest things to do in life is forgiving others who has wronged you.

Especially, when they have hurt you repeatedly.

Ofcourse, you don't want to die down your weak heart so your tend is to present your roaring pride proving that you're not hurt. That everything is fine. Not long that it will come to the point that whenever people will say "sorry" to you, you would just say:

"Yeah, sure."

While at the back of your mind:

"psh, used to it. Nothing's new."

You would just make them feel that their "sorry" is futile and would give them a hard time reaching out to you as they carry the burden of being sorry.

But you see, the person who really carries the heavier burden is you. You're the one who has no peace of mind. You're the one who is endlessly thinking about that person you have conflict with -- deep inside you, you want to fix it.

But all these was broken down by the question, "What if I am the one who has wronged the people around me? Will I have a hard time too getting their precious forgiveness?"

Eventually, I realized that I once was the one who asked for forgiveness. I was once who was greatfully broken. Desperately asking for a second chance because of my thousand failures.

Despite all these, God loved me gracefully still. No matter what kind of sin I've done, He still chose to gracefully forgive me. Not because of who I am neither what I've done, but because of who He is.

I learned how does it feel to not forgive and be unforgiven.

I also learned how does it feel to forgive and be forgiven -- and I was released from the great hold back.

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

2 Corinthians 12:8‭-‬9 ESV

Forgiving may be our weakness, but think of how God unmeritedly favored us when we asked for it.

We can be an extension of God's grace.

This week was really really better. Monday was pretty okay. Then, the next day I was very busy. I'm very happy of what happened this week. There's not that much that happened, but atleast I'm happy.

In Monday and Tuesday, I was busy. I wasn't in the good mood, but I wasn't really in the bad mood too.

Then on Wednesday, something not so terrible happened. After school, we decided to go to Shakey's. We ordered a pretty big meal with a pizza. Then, when I was eating the pizza, I felt something crumbly, soft, solid thing in my mouth. The texture of it is comparable to polvoron. I didn't know what it was, and so I panicked. I'm not sure if it's just my imagination, but I felt like the polvoron-like thing stung my mouth, like it's poisoning me or some sort. I immediately spat it out, of course.

I'm still not sure what it was, but it felt disgusting. Then I asked myself “should I still eat the pizza?” Of course I still did, I love pizza. Maybe it was a dumb move but I didn't really feel like it matters. I just though it was a hardened cheese or something.

In Thursday and Friday, we did some Zumba. It was a little embarrassing to host a Zumba, but I guess it's “okay.”