live for yourself

While pregnant I was getting checked with sonograms biweekly and sometimes 3 times in one week. Every visit I was terrified I would hear “I’m sorry…” Every visit I would get my blood pressure checked twice because it was always so high walking in and instantly drop back down post sonogram.

I delivered at 34 weeks due to having a marginal cord and high blood pressure. “Baby A” was no longer able to get the nutrients she needed and therefore was also not getting the full oxygen needed from my umbilical cord. I was so scared of having another stillborn even with getting checked every 3/4 days. I knew coming early would have its risks and a nicu stay, but that outweighed the fear of another stillborn while waiting until 37 weeks to deliver. I am so happy my doctor listened to my fears and let me deliver even earlier than planned.

Now that we made it past pregnancy and they are here I am absolutely terrified of sids. I wake up 397492 times a night to check to make sure they are breathing. Every time I walk near them while they are napping I have this horrible vision of them lying there dead. I have grabbed them and picked them up in a panic more times than I can count to double check.

I know my fear of them getting hurt/dying will never go away as they grow. I’d like to believe they have their sissy guardian angel watching over them to make sure nothing will happen to them.