For the longest time, I identified as a lesbian and only dated women. But for most of that time, I was still a child, discovering I was queer in 3rd grade and trying to understand myself before I was even old enough to fully process it all. As I got older, I also began struggling with my gender identity. I’m not transgender, but I’ve often wished I had been born a man so I could be in a heterosexual relationship with a woman.

Around two years ago, I decided I wouldn’t date women anymore unless I could experience a heterosexual relationship. To me, it felt easier if life was black and white: women or men, one or the other. I think part of this comes from internalized biphobia. Recently, I’ve been consuming more queer media, and it’s made me question why I feel unable to simply admit that I’m bisexual. Why do I feel the need to completely shut women out of my life romantically?

Part of it is that I’m attracted to a very specific type of woman, and I worry I may never meet someone who fits that image. Then I spiral into feeling like I’d be a “fake bi.” I also recognize that I’ve judged women who identify as bisexual despite never having been with another woman, even though I know that kind of judgment is unfair and rooted in my own insecurities.

The way I was raised taught me to hide parts of myself from the world, to shelter my true identity instead of embracing it openly. And now I’m trying to untangle what’s genuinely me versus what fear and shame taught me to suppress.