It's Personal

i remember when i use to sneak out the house to go see you. We would sit and talk in your car for hours complete innocence. Never anything more. Just enjoying each others company. At the time I wasn’t craving anything more. I wanted things to keep going just like this. You picking me up in your car blasting music as we drove through the streets of our small suburban town. What it felt like to feel free. The wind blowing my hair as youre smiling down the road. Going through a drive thru ordering the randomest amounts of food and sitting late at night at a park talking about what we loved. What we hoped for. What the world had in store for us. I remember sitting on the stairs of the playground and you at the bench I wanted to be closer to you. Yet it was better if we were apart. Laughing and shushing one another to not wake the neighborhood. we were on top of the world then. at least it felt like it.

I feel overwhelmed. A bit suffocated. Every time that I breathe I feel my chest tighten. My shoulders get shifted. And everything just feels so constricted. I don’t like it and I don’t enjoy it. My head feels heavy and I feel like i’m slowly getting my consistent migraines back. I find myself being sad over nothing yet everything at the same time. I keep trying to snap out of it but the more I try the more I feel like the more I get tied down. When I try to think about what’s wrong nothing necessarily makes sense. I feel like I make things too easy. Then I regret it later. I feel like I lack self respect of myself and non chalant of how I am and the things that occur to me. As if every bad thing that has happened to me in my life is something that I deserve. I believe that I shouldn’t be treated well. I believe that I am not worthy of good things. So when those things arrive my brain is confused. It’s used to the consistent chaos and recklessness rather than compassion and love. I don’t understand the concept of comfort being received rather than being given. I am uncertain of certain actions, I read into intentions to closely. I become excited before something even began. The more that I get knocked down or disappointed by my own actions the more that things seem to impossible. In a lack of bettter terms it becomes too difficult. Where I shut down and shutting down is just as bad as exploding but I’m not sure which one is worse. To destroy my thoughts in small outbursts or to let it destroy me instead.

HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO FEEL TOWARDS YOU.

i don’t know how to feel about it. I don’t know if i have the right to be upset. I don’t know how to feel about it. Why am i fixating on it. Why do i care? why does it bug me. Fuck.

i dont know why i got fixated on the past and im sorry. i do sometimes wonder why you stayed. why did we stop being friends. i wonder if i did something wrong but i think these are insecurities that i have as a friend. it happened so long ago so why am i even thinking about it. i forgave you..right..? ahhhh idk. fuck.

i dont know what to do. do i give up. do i try. why did i forgive you after everything. why am i fixating. ahh what am i doing. i dont know anymore. why did you leave. why did you go. what did i do...what did i do.

i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. I wish i could send that.

im honestly just writing everything i wish i could tell you right now. i want to tell you about what ive been trying to do and what is up with me and why i cant date and why youre the reason i cant. when i think of getting close and going to the next thing you dawn on me and i still fucking want you. no one else and it’s irritating because we cant. were friends. we worked so hard to get this far and now i just i...i really dont know what to do a part of me feels like i have to move on this isnt gonna happen but a part of me wants to tell you how i feel so badly but what does that fix. who does that help. what does that do. i dont know what to do and i wish i could talk to you about it but i cant because ITS YOU. its not complicated telling you how i feel is not complicated. im just scared. im scared of not being able to talk to you at all. im scared of losing you. im scared of not having you around. im scared that we will eventually become strangers and i can never go back. loving you isnt hard but...figuring this out isnt easy either.

i love you and i am scared for the day that i lose you..

Why do you always disappear once things are good. Did i fuck up? Did i do something? Did i say something? I don’t get it. I like you I do but I also really like us as friends I don’t want to fuck that up so please explain to me why the fuck you’ve been so distant when I finally make that decision to stay friends. There are so many things I want to tell you and catch up with you on. I want to talk to you about everything and nothing at the same time. Besides me having this really stupid complicated crush thing that I have yet to tell you about...i do miss you stupid. So please come back and be my best friend again because I miss you. I feel like whenever you start to feel something you leave and if that is the case...you don’t have to run...i’ll always be here and i’m always gonna want you around so i don’t know. If you feel something take the leap because maybe possibly I do like you too. But it’s fine friends first but seriously please come back soon i miss you..

i wish i could talk to you. its been roughly a year and more now and when i start to spiral you are still one of the first ones to cross my mind to come and save me but you aren’t here. And that’s okay. I just wish I had an outlet or something. Someone to hold me as I slowly fall apart. I just have so many thoughts and no where to spill them. Sometimes I wish that you would text me to ask me if I am okay or how i am but i know its not your job to fix me and I don’t want you to fix me. I just i miss feeling less alone. Ever since you left I’ve been nothing but scared and it’s not like I want you back or something I just...i haven’t properly opened up to anyone since you and so you’re my last opening. I just wish i could talk to you.