A study of myself?

I don’t want any of this to continue, I’m done. I quit. My mind is just a constant argument with myself & I have to keep myself busy continuously. I distract myself from my mind with errands & tasks. I actually procrastinate self hate, the second I stop typing, reading, writing, or talking my mind snaps back into reality & I’m right into contemplating how I should kill myself again. Sleep doesn’t help, it just gives my mind full control, I wake up in fear & showers are no different, I always end up crying. It’s like I’m fighting with myself for control 100% of the time & I’m actually scared of myself. I can’t stand who I am, but I want to like who I am, even though I’m always telling myself I can’t do anything right or pointing out everyone of my flaws.     

But what's to say you don't stand out to a specific set of people, what if, say. 300 people out of every person that's ever lived what if they loved you to an unbelivable amount. those 300 people are your entire world. they're all you know. You're special to them. They're special to you.

It’s the strangest sensation, when your feelings & emotions contort into pain, & what used to be joy slowly fades into fear. My life is a nightmare, I’m scared to go on. My confusion grows by the second, & I can’t help but feel alone.

Hello, you. You beautiful person. I love you. I appreciate you. You deserve happiness, because in the end, you are a person. You’re human, & you may not fully understand what that means, self doubt may get in the way sometimes, but you come from a species that’s lasted 6 million years. You’re wonderful. You’re living in the present, but you can remember the past, & set goals for the future. There’s no other animal like that on the planet. You’re special. 6 million years of evolution, & the result is you. You do great things just by going to sleep & waking up. You need to understand that you’re special. I know you are.  I love you.

My life has taken a dramatic twist today, so this blog, which was actually just supposed to be a test, has become & will continue to grow into, a pool of my emotions. So welcome to my study.