Anibè

January 5, 2023

Woke up.... checked my phone

3 am in the morning...

Everything is kinda blurry. Even outside, it's cold and rainy.I realize that my hair is not yellow anymore but it's short and frizzy. I can't retrieve all of my memories yet so I decided to check my social media accounts before reviewing Bea's journal and notes....

To my surprise everything went surprisingly smooth in year 2022. 

-Graduated with Latin Honor

-Try living in a dorm.

-Passed the Board Exam

-Attended oath taking

-Get a job related to my course

-Take action about our goal working abroad.

-Go on dates 

-Acquired Gold

-Make time for friends and family

-Sleep

-Participate in the apple ecosystem (iphone, ipad, airpods)

Etc...

Reading her notes there were additionals such as 

-Tried different foods.

-Tried surfing

-Learned how to insert NGT, catheterization, subcutaneous etc.

-Become a top rank Minotaur in Manila (ML) 

-Reach 50 WPM or better

And so on ... 

She actually made a 2022 summary video for documentation only and I still could not believe it. She messed up my ig feed but I'm happy about it.

There's also a bunch of reminders and weird routines. 

-Angkong

-Digital decluttering

-Make time for friends and family 

Etc..

2022 is the year of learning and probably the year of spending. 

My financial report was terrible. All I did was just spend in year 2022. Converted a lot of crypto to pesos even though crypto is down. 🙃

I reviewed some of my receipts and shoppee purchases. It's not justifiable. Most of my personal expense last year was food. I immediately checked my weight, it's 54kg 🙃. I don't feel so healthy atm. What's with this tummy : (

Speaking of health.I missed all of my dentist appointment last year. There are notes saying

-"Go to Dentist"

    -Fix wisdom teeth (3/4)

-"Go see an ENT"  

-"Change lense of glasses"

-"Continue Gluta"

-"Fix hair when its long enough"

-"Fix wardrobe"

-"Exercise" 

-"Therapy"

-"Swimming Therapy"

Etc.

I also noticed that I have a lot of weird shaped pants and white uniforms. 

It's terribly cold and I don't have a jacket. My bag is still the same, my umbrella is also messed up and I DON'T HAVE A WATCH. This scares me the most cause all of my personalities are required to wear a watch so that we can cope up with our normal life and live harmoniously without chaos. Well, she did not even bought a decent watch 🙃 for me to wear. All of my watches have no freaking battery. 

Anyways, I checked the record and reviews of people I met and spent most time with in year 2022 and I was surprised. 

One of our goal was to develop my EQ so I guess this is good. I learned about about emotions, empathizing, caring, making time, being happy, having a crush and less controlling of the situation. I'm happy about it. 

Emotions are weird but very essential in life. So maybe, it's not that bad to express some of it. (Still depends on the situation tho). I don't know if it's good to over calculate things either. I guess we'll take one step at a time with this whole emotion thing.

Probably with relationships and dating too. She went on a date with this kind of hairstyle? yikes. Although, journal notes said it turned out fine. I'm just a little concerned about relationship of marketing and dating notes right here. 

There's also a note on the last page of her entry "Somewhere in Ann Arbor". I looked it up and it's about a sad song. 

I don't know if it's for me for being too greedy or if it's for someone else.

Nevertheless, I guess it's my turn to survive 2023. 

But there are no future pending plans on my goal list. Just a bunch of random to do's, pending works, reminders and researches.

I'm fucking lost.... 

I don't have an actual planner this year because I think we planned on going digital. I guess I need to learn how to use an ipad.

I mean there's a fcking concept map with major decisions that needs to be addressed but...

where's the blueprint?

What do I want?

*should?

Why me?

Do you want me to make these decisions because I rarely feel any emotion or should I use emotion in getting the right next answer or decision?

I'm probably overthinking

Idk...

Maybe I need time 

or atleast a watch

or a decent hair style first?

From a vigorous celebration with a feast. I have witnessed the most beautiful face in Greece. Stunning eyes that could tame a beast. Exquisite lips that would put you on your knees. 

They say it's unlawful to steal a kiss. However, it's too late to move If I have been seized. Enchanted by a touch that I could not resist. Slowly guiding me to unwrapped a masterpiece. Hearing a voice saying "I may do as I please".I try not to take it as a tease.

A face that could launch a thousand ship. Innocently begging me to tighten my grip. As the silhouette tries to strip. I might have written a forbidden script. Tracing wonder from the stars to your hip. Tell me which secrets to keep.

I know the Gods won't be in favor. In my kingdom I would lose my honor. King Menelaus would unleash terror. The whole world would crumble in horror. Just because I'm a foolish warrior. 

Would you call this a tragedy? If it has been granted by Aphrodite? I've rejected riches and power for eternity. Ruined and tainted all the books of history.For glimpse of a passionate victory. 

We're in the end game.....I guess..

Batch 2022? 

It never went back to normal. We just got used to it.

Here we are learning infront of the screen, limiting human interaction for safety purpose. To be honest, I've waited 4 years to  wear my white uniform with my classmates and focus on the things that we should be working on.But look at us now, playing a lot of online games and doing a lot of personal things. It's worth it.

My previous self would lock herself up in a library/room and just focus with these case studies and exams. Probably super tense about reading medical charts and creating a bunch of reviewers. I'm proud of her. She would make a great doctor.

Now, I'm just practicing my aim in Valorant and perhaps preparing for a lot of random stuff. If you pause for a while, you'll notice how the world is changing.

I've been reading, playing, learning, listening to podcasts and watching a bunch of videos/movies.I'm also taking some online courses and volunteering in the community. I know that in a few months, I'll start becoming an adult again. I wanted to figure out my "why's"  and hopefully realigned my path before I do so. One important skill that I learned from OJT is journalling. It's very helpful. It keeps my mind at peace.

Recently,

I figured out I'm not actually procrastinating, I'm just experiencing impostor syndrome. I haven't computed my grades this year because I'm scared of it. Do I even deserve it? I've always viewed my final years as an opportunity to gain skills in the field and not just prove things with numbers. Grades are worth something... I know, but the experience of being in an actual situation is really important. Nutrition has played a huge part in my heart and I really wanted to practice it...but this setup makes me think twice.Anyway, I've been researching about batch meal prep. I think it's really interesting and an awesome skill to learn as an adult and as an individual. 

Academic validation is one of my comfort zone. I'm glad that I tried something different last year. 

Speaking of different.....

I also reduced viewing my crypto portfolio and trading because I am afraid of being greedy. I always remember the marshmallow test. I guess, that keeps me in control of my emotions. The urge to splurge gets stronger every single day. I always remind myself to take it slow and make calculated risks. 

I'm still observing the world. Really thankful that I have the time. It's been crazy, there's war, pandemic, surge of prices, incompetent politicians etc. Still, here I am worrying about my board exam this year. Probably the last thing I'll worry about as a student. 

I want to learn things by heart and just make the most of it. It'll probably be a challenge cause I always question my heart, but I think it's about time. Maybe... I trust it along with proper guidance of my brain?I'm lucky because of it.Well, It's the one who chose my course that I'll complete in a few months. It's the one who forced me to blindly invest it all on Bitcoin 5 years ago, crazy. It's also the one who's brave enough to be good to people most of the time. Although, it's a little bit less performative in terms of  confrontation, crazy type of love, dating, vulnerability, expressing feelings etc...

but we'll work on that...I'm still taking notes. I'm just really bad at timing and making time haha. 

Anyways...

A lot of people will leave soon and each of us will figure out what's next. We'll make a bunch of choices and memories. We'll meet new people and do amazing  normal, spontaneous things. We'll start to ask real life questions and hopefully figure out the answer. We'll go to different destinations carrying our mission and vision hahahaha lost adult in the dune...

It'll  be starting soon...

It's year 2022...... just a few days before my birthday.

A lot of things happend last year.

(dump ideas, random updates ahead....)

I got a full time job. I worked at a BPO company and I was assigned to a really cool account. Well, its like an Airbnb for cars.I talked to people who has awesome cars and I assist them with cancellations. I learned so much about electric cars (Tesla), BMW,Porsche,Mercedez, Audi, and some luxury car with their own insurance.My longest call was 3hrs hahaha. I also met new people online who's trying out BPO too for the first time. It was a great and very tiring job, so I had to quit for the sake of my health and my school.

As for my course, my grades were pretty ok for the first two OJTs (Food Service and Public Health) that I had. I don't even know if I deserve those grades. Anyway, I also met ND students from UST, they were really understanding, friendly, smart and awesome. Our OJT for community nutrition might have been really exciting if it was f2f. Sadly, we are only allowed to have it online. I also thought that we're going to have our clinical practicum face to face but it's still online as of the moment. I'm actually having second thoughts about working in a hospital because of it. Lastly, I'm also going to graduate this year, hopefully.

Moving on....

I gave axie scholarships last year. Axie is the first NFT that I actually bought haha. SLP price went down really bad but it's alright. I have cashed out a couple of times and I also staked on some new coins. AXS and RON were pretty amazing too. Though, I still don't treat these coins the same as ETH and BTC. I love how Axie introduce crypto to Filipinos. I also got my own team to play with. So far I'm researching about NFT games and I'm currently obsessed with Mir4. I'm playing on server Asia 193. I'm amazed on how we can legally buy,sell and trade game items with real money. I'm looking forward to play Illuvium once it got released. I wanted to diversify some of my assets. Cryptotrading is really hard and I'm still learning. I'm still scared of day trading so I just swing trade my way through life haha. I learned to stop being greedy with the new coins I'm holding and just take profit when there's a chance. Buy low, sell high.

Anyway,

I started out researching about becoming a virtual assistant and web development, but I'm not confident yet to pursue it. So I tried enrolling into a couple of paid courses to get certificate and familiarize myself with the work. I'm currently taking some va course after class. I also tried applying to new jobs but I was hesitant because most of them were full time. I promised to find a job once I got my certificate and established my social media job profile. Still thinking if I should go with freelance or work with an agency. Anyway, I'll work on it after my birthday. I'm also excited picking a mechanical keyboard and a noise cancelling headset.

About my family

I think my parents somehow matured during the pandemic.They have plans now for the future. They don't get angry easily and they somehow learned how to extend their patience. I realize that they're trying their best for us.I also managed to get them both an insurance which is good. They are also very supportive recently about some of my plans. We also went out for a couple of family staycations and vacations. Also, my dad finally got reunited with his father.

I've been listening to a lot of audiobooks recently cause I could not sleep. My eyes are tired facing the computer all day.I just finished Ikigai and I'm currently having plenty of thoughts about it.

Actually, a lot has recently happend and I'm just too lazy to articulate some of it or maybe I'm just overwhelmed.

I have been doing some brain dumping since January and I still could not decide about a couple of things. Some of which includes, taking the board exam, dating, studying about tech, migrating, moving out, having a car or a cat/dog etc.

I really don't know.....

I just wanted you to know that I’m still here and I survived. Well it’s probably not the future you expect. I’m not an astronaut that you dreamt of. Turns out the moon that we’re looking for is not the one that we would expect it to be. I did not take architecture or graphic design either plus, I’m still too lazy and unmotivated to become a writer.I still carelessly make grammatical errors when writing a content. Just like this one. I’m also stuck somewhere because of the pandemic. It’s crazy, as always.

But I’m here…..

I’m trading different types of cryptocurrencies and it’s awesome and exciting. I wished we’ve bought more bitcoins back then haha. I also learned different financial advises and lessons that would be a great help in adulting. We also got a license as an insurance advisor.Your course is also about foods and you got a great set of friends with you in finishing it . You became the leader of your research work and you defended it well.We’ve grown so much over the past few years. You’re also a scholar running for a latin something honor, pretty sweet right? Even if I didn’t continue karate, I still learned how to defend us. You don’t need to cover any scars anymore. The days of physical torture is over. We don’t stutter anymore when we speak to people. You learned to be patient, friendly and happy. You have no idea how many donation drives, brigada eskwela and charities you have volunteered for. You learned how to pick good people that you’ll have for the long-term and at the same time you knew how to handle the not so good ones with respect and courtesy. Some traumas still haunt me but I learned to re schedule them once in a while. I also turned our panic attacks into productive panic attacks with modulate set of breathing. So far, I have accomplished a lot because of that.

I’m prioritizing our health too…I just went for an x-ray and a urinalysis exam because our annual physical medical examination at school got suspended. I learned the importance of laboratory exam because of our medical nutrition therapy subject. Oh you still got braces and probably some growing wisdom teeth. I’m bad at scheduling dentist appointments haha. I’m trying to learn how to drive. Let’s learn one thing at a time, shall we? I also scheduled a passport renewal. Luckily I got a spot after months of checking the portal.

I knew that even if this place haunts you from very inch of your bones, this place served as a home where we grew . You love this place don’t you? You also knew that love is the stupidest reason for a decision haha. This place crush dreams and visions. I’m not gonna let anyone or anything crush ours. I also hate the rules here.

To be honest, I don’t fckin know what will happen next, but I hope you’re proud of me, old self. Thank you for not giving up even if you have the right to do so. Just because we can endure all of that, doesn’t mean we have to endure it for the rest of our life. Future self , I’m coming for you. You better top all of these haha.

-To to the old me who's naughty not nice, you need to be foolish first to become wise.

Maybe it's not all about that piece of paper that we will receive along with a fancy hat and a type of wizard coat.Maybe it's more than that....

Maybe its about .......

A lot of sleepless nights with a bunch of people who has the same dream as you. 

Being on the same google doc at 3 am in the morning. 

Struggling with every case study and journal presentation. 

Sharing rants everytime there's a given requirement. 

Laughing about an out of this world exam.

Defending a paper you've created during this crazy pandemic. 

Exchanging reviewers and memes...

and a lot of crazy stuff I forgot to mention

(Wow I can't believe I signed up for all of that) 

Truth is, I didn't really learn enough because of online class.I feel kinda lost. I'm scared of tomorrow and whatever happens next. 

But I feel less scared because of these good people I'm lost with. 

They make the dark path a little lighter. Even if I know that I won't always have them forever. I know that they won't easily be gone like a spider. 

Maybe you got the time to stick around here complaining "why am I good at closing transactions but not relationships". Honestly, I'm guilty about it. I ghost people when I sense some demonic presence like shit. It's like a defense mechanism I've develop after dealing with different kinds of demons, night crawlers, human collectors, word manipulators, scammers, air-headed douchebags, cheaters , heartbreaker wannabes', etc..I would give you a list if you want. I'm not talking about flaws I'm talking about literal bad habits that hurt another breathing human being because of routine practice.

I'm not mean to them actually,some of them even buy poems,insurance,crypto etc from me. I treat customers and friends with respect. One thing I knew from watching "The Good Place" is that, anyone can really change for the better. So maybe they'd take the chance to do that. But ofcourse I'm not dumb to give my wallet to a thief, so yeah I don't really trust them in terms of not hurting anyone including me.

On other hand, I actually invite people for a cup of coffee or a drink for a proper relationship closure. You know why? because messenger messages/email are shit. You don't get emotion or reactions coming from it. You based all of your feelings in your own interpretation. Unspoken words can literally manipulate you a lot. Especially a well structured one that's sent from a fcking email or a random chat. Words are powerful and I'm going to discuss it in another chapter. About inviting people for closure, I only invite the ones that probably needs a conversation ender .I usually cancel on the ones that's already ok for me. I don't want to bother them with a lengthy unnecessary discussion.

Except for you...

I feel like I really owe you one. That was very impolite of me to just end everything with an email. I also respect whatever we had and I would like to be honest to clear things out. You're not actually bad.We're just probably busy. Maybe, I was just really mad that time. Actually you're one of the reason why the current part of me exists somehow. I'm sorry if my actions confused you. I'm sorry if I did not call, I hate phone calls. I would probably invite you over some other time for.. whatever is not coffee cause you hate it haha. Probably my treat. I'm doing good. I hope you are too. Until then, I hope we use our time for what ever is worth waking up in the morning.

Rain check..

Your standard is a fucking joke. I didn't reach it just to witness it getting lowered for some shit. On the other hand, this illusion helped me pushed through some limits I didn't knew I could get pass through. Somehow it turned out to be a good thing. What a useful illusion it was.