Angel

You consume me.

You make me unable to breathe

But you pulled me up from the ocean and swam with me

You’ve fallin into my world and gave me you

You are the fresh air that fills my lungs

I’m in this gray area

I can’t let go

I can’t hold on

You’re pure red

You are a gypsy moving from place to place

It’s crazy the way someone can mean nothing to you and then suddenly they mean so much they have the power to hurt your pretty little heart

I should’ve left you in my dm’s,on my snap, I should’ve never let you take me to a place where it’s dark,

I remember you trying to hit on me and I wasn’t interested in the slightest

Now I’m the one layin on my bed for hours cryin,

I had to force myself to give you a chance

Now I’m the one left with no plans

You took me out and took me home

And I contemplated if I wanted to leave you alone

I made you wait for awhile because I wanted to see

Wanted to see if you were really about me

You were kind and sweet, and even took me out to eat

I finally let myself just be and gave you the treat

The very next day

you decided to end it and leave like a stray

I was cool and I cried

But I chose to keep the friendship alive

You made another move because you’re smooth like that

And I gave you another chance cause I wanted that kind gentleman back

You told me you just wanted to be friends and made it my idea somehow with the rest

It was like you were making me study for an un passable test

Fast forward and it’s been 5 months and I keep thinking you’ll see how great I am

And then I came to the realization you’re just a boy,not a man

Not because you didn’t want me but because you lead me on and told me how much you cared

When in reality, when we fought you put it out that it was never really there

You’ve already moved on to some other girl

And that’s fine

I guess I thought you’d miss me in this big world

But it was all a lie

I hate you and I regret it all

If I could take it back, I wouldn’t of let me fall

You’re the only person I’ve ever wished I’d never met

You see, i can’t let anyone really see through

Most people see sunshine and sensitive and a caring heart

They don’t see the darkness, the angry and the crying until I fall apart

I people please

and make you believe

That I’m falling for your soul

But that isn’t what keeps my hold

I just don’t want to be alone

When I’m alone with my thoughts and my demons they eat me alive

I feel safe when you’re holding me all through the night

You see it really isn’t about you at all

Even if it seems like I’m gonna fall

It has more to do with me trying to drown out the things I need to face

Cause I’d rather deal with your issues than the ones I’ve made

So forgive me for questioning you and forgive me for not wanting you to leave

But I’ll cling to anything that makes me feel like I can breathe

So don’t say sorry or try to be nice about this thing ending

If you need to leave then go because a part of me has been pretending

And not to hurt you in any kind of way

I just need an excuse to make my issues go a stray

Just for a little while because I’ll be distracted by who you are

But it never seems to get me very far

I know I need to face the things I’ve buried deep in my soul

So if you have to go..then go

You see I just want to be loved so hard that everything else inside me stops hurting forever

But I choose broken people so they can choose to leave me when they get better

Because then I know I’m not broken if I can fix their heart

I always thinks that’s how my healing will start

It never works so maybe I don’t know what to do

But I guess as sad as I am I want to see the happiness in you

I need to be alone and I need to heal

Making honey like you do

And I am the bee keeper with all the power

but I miss you

I miss every thing about you

And maybe you miss me too

I don’t know,I don’t know

We just let it all go

But sometimes I close my eyes and I see you

I see all the moments we been through

You said you refused to let me go,remember that?

And then you started walking away,turned your back

You knew how much you meant to me

Maybe that’s why you had to leave

Cause I did,I fell for you and I wanted to be with you

And I know that was a fairytale through and through

But you knew me,you knew I was gonna fall,

You knew and you still called

All those nights you played dumb like you had no clue

And then you went back to someone who’s always made you feel used

When you told me the day she texted your phone

I felt my heart and it wasn’t broke

But it was hurt,because I already had feelings for this

And you threw me out like I was nothing but a small fix

A fix for your lonliness,a fix for your ego,

And I guess that’s most times

Most days and most hours

I’m disgusted and repulsed at my reflection

At my body and my face

And it isn’t just about being skinny

It’s about I want a smaller nose and bigger lips

Perfect legs and smaller hands

I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable in my skin

And then there’s my stupid laugh and my anxiety and the way I believe everyone who is mean

The way I get stuck on something for months and I can’t let it go

So I just lay here and wonder what the hell is wrong with me

The way most days I want to live but not exist

The way I want someone to see me but I don’t want them to notice me

The war that wages in my mind and in my heart are two separate wars and neither of them I can win

The way I know someone is using me but it feels nice to be wanted for some moments

The way I fell for a girl who pretended to care

Actually two but that makes me sound worse

And I just lay here wondering why I’m never good enough

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy

I think I’ll die sad

And I don’t think anyone I love will ever understand how much my heart hurts every moment of every day

They’ll never get how hard it is to breathe so I can stay