In My Secret Life

"Dear journal,

Well, another stormcloud over my..."

Clippy the paperclip: Hey! It looks like you're writing a letter!

Me: Damnit, Clippy, I'm having a moment here, go away! *close*

Me, an adult today: *needs to write a formal letter* *forgets all rules about how to write a letter* "To whom it may concern:"

*waits*

*waits*

*waits*

Black dog: excuse me but can you please take a picture of me and my best friend 

Gold dog: yeah can you take our picture 

me: sure *click* 

Gold dog: wait i think i blinked 

Black dog: yeah i was making a weird face, can you take another one 

me: sure. 3…2…1…*click* 

Example: This morning I drove to work instead of taking the bus. I had my music playing and I was sipping my travel mug of coffee, having a great time, even when traffic got bad around the bridge. Behind me, for most of the ride down the highway, was a guy in a GMC. He was bobbing his head to his music, whatever it was, and at some point he was singing along as well.

There was nothing flirtatious or romantic going on, i just enjoyed watching him. I was happy that he was happy. We were together on the road for almost the entire 30 minute commute; he didn’t tailgate, and he was satisfied with my speed throughout. Just an all-around pleasant road buddy.

I’m a youtube cooking video addict (specifically Food Wishes with Chef John, Gennaro Contaldo, and Jamie Oliver), and I notice they always leave the skins on eggplants. And I think every time, why on earth did they not peel those?!

But I’m sitting at my desk eating some cucumbers with the skins on and I wonder if other people are like, “Ew, geez, peel your cucumbers” as they walk by. But it’s the kind of thing nobody would go out of their way to say out loud. So I guess I’ll never know unless I ask.

if someone walked in on me watching this, I would have some serious 'splaining to do

My husband and I are in the process of painting our bedroom. More than painting, actually. We’re taking over my childhood home and making it our own, and it hasn’t been updated since I was a kid. So, when I work from home, I’m working at the same desk where I did my homework in 2nd grade.  

Digressing for a moment: To prove how serious I am, when I was closing one desk drawer recently, I heard some paper crunching behind it. I’ve literally never taken the drawers out, but I figured it was something recent that got stuck back there. When I finally got the drawer out, I found a paper doll outfit, a notice from my elementary school from 1992, and some scribbles written by me in that giant little-kid handwriting. Talk about a blast from the past.

So anyway, the entire process of redecorating our bedroom has been a long one. We got vinyl plank flooring in our room (and carpet in the rest of the upstairs, updated from a dusty rose color from 1994 to a gorgeous plush-but-dense medium gray), which is a grayish brown. I’ve always wanted a blue bedroom, but for the shade of blue I love (kind of a deep teal), to do the whole room in that color would be too much and too dark. So, as an accent color, we selected a light gray.

So, one big accent wall and a couple smaller walls (little alcove for the desk, and around the bedroom door) in the deep teal, and then the other walls this light gray. My husband and I agreed on both colors, and did the blue first.

Every time I look at this blue, I get so happy. This color is to-die-for gorgeous. We worked on those together through last weekend, but during the week I work (he’s not working right now), so during the week, he said he’d finish up the other walls. After the first day of him working alone, I walked into the bedroom very excited to see the result, and was immediately turned off. I didn’t want to make him feel bad, since painting is hard work and he did it all alone, but something about this gray color was just...off. I thought, maybe once we take off the painter’s tape and maybe once our furniture is in here, I’ll like it more. I can tolerate this.

But the blue isn’t “tolerable” - it’s PERFECT. It sucks that the blue is ruined by this “tolerable” color right next to it.  He painted the final wall yesterday and I hoped the room would look more <i>together</i> at that point, but I just hated it more. His work was great, and he was so excited because neither of us are handy and by this last wall, he really had the process down pat.

I didn’t want to discourage him, but I guess he could easily see my disappointment in the entire project. Except he took that as my disapproval of his work, not of the color. And I, not wanting him to think it was about his work and internalizing my hate of this gray color, kept quiet. He ended up snapping at me that he could see I was disappointed, and when I tried to say, “No, no, I’m not -” it came off as insincere, even though I tried to sound positive. Between his snapping at me and my disappointment overall, we both got quiet and went to bed angry and not really speaking.

Today, while I’m at work and he’s home, we were chatting online. It finally came up in our conversation, and we discovered each other’s real feelings from last night.

He had no idea that I hated the color that much; he genuinely thought I was disappointed in his work and trying to be nice about it, which was more annoying for him that I wouldn’t just say how I really felt about it. Except I didn’t feel that way - I thought he did a great job, but the color was terrible. 

And I had no idea that he didn’t mind the work at all. I was thinking, “Oh, he worked so hard for two whole days - I can’t ask him to just repaint the entire thing some other color. Plus, we spent money on the paint, he’ll be so annoyed if I change my mind on the color.” But my face couldn’t hide my disdain for this cool-toned gray (we really need something warmer). 

And he was thinking, “She hates my work, she thinks I did a shitty job.”

If we’d each just said that last night, we could have avoided a night of not speaking or touching.

But I feel like this is everyone around me:

Some days I want to just keep driving.