A Dash of Thoughts

After three months of avoiding the topic, I decided to write about it. Earlier today, this older man around my dad's age asked the sales lady at the mall for a specific toy for his grandson. I didn't even notice that I was already crying just watching him. My dad was exactly like that when it came to my sister and me, especially his grandsons.

March 1, 2021, the doctors suspected the possibility of my dad having liver cancer due to the numerous lumps on his liver. I didn't panic, didn't think much of it. Those days I was too busy stressing over my college applications. I didn't worry because dad often gets sick, so sick that he almost shook death's hands three times but always made his way back to us. So the news of ''possible'' cancer didn't shake me at all. April 26, 2021, he started losing his appetite and nearly pukes what he has consumed. His ct scans came back, and the doctors weren't saying any direct diagnosis. They just kept on saying it didn't look good.

May 6, 2021, after a month of waiting for the local hospital's response. We decided to seek a second opinion. I can recall this day vividly, somedays I find myself reliving it. It was a Thursday afternoon. I had a 30-minute break from my tiring classes. My dad was sitting next to the telephone as I dialed the numbers. Something about that day didn't feel right. By that time, he already had troubles sitting and standing on his own. Worry and anxiousness were finally sinking in. Once the hospital picked up, I explained the situation, they asked me to read his CT scan results, and immediately after I finished, my heart sank to what came next. The other line finally confirmed that he did have cancer. I tried so hard not to cry in front of him. He asked me what they said. I partially told the truth and just said we needed to schedule a consultation as soon as possible. I didn't lie for him. I lied for me. I'm too young to be fatherless, and I have so much to prove and show him how time can be catching up this fast? I didn't lie to protect him. I lied because I didn't believe it. I chose not to believe it.

May 25, 2021, was one of the few moments we cried together. Around 8 pm, when the doctors called to tell you that the cancer cells were spreading fast, you asked them a question that made me mad at the world. It opened my eyes even more to the truth that I was avoiding. You asked the doctors ''Doc, magagawaan pa ba ng paraan? Gusto ko pa makita mga apo ko eh''  it took every strength that I had to hold back those tears that were so eager to come out that night. You kid and said you wouldn't be there for my upcoming graduation because you had other plans coming up.

June 11, 2021, I finally lost it. After months of holding back my tears and avoiding the truth, I finally lost it. Around 11 am during your check-ups, the doctor gave you a month to live. I was so mad and lost. I felt cheated because a week after that, you left. It didn't even take a month. Above all, I felt guilty because I silently prayed for you just to let go. All those nights of hearing you groaning in pain, I couldn't handle it. All those moments mama would hide in the kitchen to cry, those moments when Ate refused to sleep. We were all in so much pain, especially Papa. Too much pain that death looked like mercy.

These days I miss our daily routines. Sometimes I feel like our arguments, as annoying as they were, kept me sane. I wouldn't go and say to people to enjoy their days with their parents since time is so fast, and life is short, what do I know about their lives? All I know is that I wish we had more time. I still can't believe that I live a life where my dad is no longer in the narrative. To anyone who is grieving, I don't have words that will come close to comfort the pain or somehow ease it. I wish I did so I could recite them to myself every day. As painful as it is, we have no choice but to be one with our pain and hopefully outgrow it. To my dad, I miss you every day. I wish I could say that I'm getting better; however, too many love, plans, and memories haunt me.

In light of Women’s Month, I thought this would be an excellent opportunity to write my Filipina experience. I have often been told that when it comes to gender equality issues, debates, topics, and discussion, I can be too opinionated and loud, honestly? I am not surprised with those remarks, knowing that these remarks are from those men who surround me. I am writing my loud opinions and stands about the issues a Filipina has to face because I can, and no man can tell me to keep it down.

As a kid, I grew up in an environment dominated by women. I had only 5 male cousins and 16 female cousins, and out of his 9 siblings, my dad was the only male. At a young age, I saw how the women in my family had successfully contributed to our community by being influential and setting a standard that most Filipino families see but won’t admit because the women in our culture are continuously taken for granted. I, along with my cousins, saw how these ladies had to work night shifts and enter various sidelines to keep their families afloat whilst still being the caring mothers that would cuddle us when they have the chance, that would brush our hairs and neatly braid them, mothers that would stay up all night checking for our temperature when we’re sick.

But I would be lying, and it would be unrealistic to say that my views about how equality just came from their positive influence because the very same people who I looked up to are the very same people who were brought up in a time when men are still somehow superior. Being a daughter of a military man who was both religious and traditional was a deadly combination. Like most little girls back then, they were also taught that submission is one thing that makes up a woman, along with household chores, living to marry, being prim and proper, hushed and polite. Although they did manage to break a tremendous amount of stereotypes, and I know that that took a lot of courage and existential questioning to fully come to terms with, they still did, however, manage to have taken small parts of sexist and misogynist ideas that were taught to them before and somehow managed to incorporate those to how they raised us.

What I’m trying to say here is that there is a cycle that we can notice. In this so-called generational gap, there is the similar progress and fight that every Filipino partake in. I sure have gotten into many arguments with my mom and dad just because they told me that I should smile more and be less assertive with my thoughts so that men would like me. And I am certain that they too have argued with their parents that going to a disco or festival in other Bayans would not automatically mean that they would come home pregnant.  

Lately, it has not been easy to be a woman in this administration. Having a man in power who encourages rape jokes and is bluntly misogynist is truly a daunting time. We have come a long way from seeing Maria Clara as an epitome of what a Filipina should be and that to be safe is to be like her, to now knowing that Maria Clara could have avoided the wretched life she had if only we called out those men bathing in power and using the same bathwater to drown the rest of us into. The supremacy of the current administration has the same capability to drown us again as they float above us, as they continue to perpetuate the idea that men can make rape jokes, objectify women, proudly admit to molesting someone, and still hold power is a message to all of us that the equality that our heroes and ancestors have fought for and how hard we tried to maintain that into pushing for more progress is largely at risk. It is one to acknowledge the beauty the Filipino women have because there is no denying that they are, in fact gorgeous, it is one to thank the OFW moms and sisters for their unimaginable sacrifices, but as we acknowledge and thank them for the representation and economic benefits, we must make sure that they will not be looked down and be seen as a nothing but sexual objects. The future is with us. We can make these issues heard, and that’s why we must do whatever it takes to understand the severity of the situation and have the will to fight against it.

On certain days when we want to be alone, unwind, relax, and recollect ourselves whenever our schedules or life plans allow us, we often do crazy small things that most people do. Some examples are putting your hand up as you lie down, scrolling through your phone, or putting your foot up. Tucking one hand inside of your shorts just because, rolling around your bed, putting your speaker on blast, and singing as if you are at your own concert and your neighbors get to hear you live for free as you think to yourself ‘’man, they are lucky to hear my golden voice’’ (No, they are not and they probably want to yell at you now)

We do these things out of habit, boredom, or simply for comfort. Recharging is one of the best things ever. It is what we all need after being tired and beaten down by the world we live in. But as fun as it gets, it also can get pretty dark and lonely in an instant. One minute you are singing Taylor Swift’s Bad Reputation at the top of your lungs, and then the next, you are crying to The Sound of Silence by Simon & Garfunkel as you lose yourself down that rabbit hole of existential life crisis.

You begin to question yourself, your worth, and your choices. Because being alone means having to face your thoughts, no work to distract you, no friends to talk to you. Just this void and the unanswerable question that even philosophers and scientists can’t explain thoroughly. You begin to feel the gravity of your mortality and the apparent loneliness that is sinking in. On most days, it gets the best of us, we cry and breakdown, but that’s okay. If that’s what you need to recharge and recollect yourself, why not?

As I write this, I am recharging after an awful semester. I did dive into that void, questioning my existence and mortality ‘’What am I doing?’’ ‘’Am I too late?’’ ‘’Do I have a good life?’’ ‘’What is there waiting for me’’ and many more questions a normal person wonders daily. I used to hate recharging because I don’t like confronting my thoughts, but now I know I can do silly things, sing, cry, and dance all at once and question myself as I recharge because having to confront your thoughts and these questions and moments is a whisper from the universe that says ‘’Be reminded but do not worry.’’