A Daddy's Search

I’m going to teach you a thing so you don’t live the rest of your existence steeped in more ignorance than is necessary. The majority of littles are not into diapers. 

Here are some other things you DON’T need to like to consider yourself a little: pacifiers, stuffies, bottles, sippy cups, daddy doms, mommy doms, Disney movies, the color pink, ruffles on socks, blanket forts, stickers, cute panties, hair bows, jump ropes, playgrounds, fun band-aids, tea parties, naps, or spankings.

Here’s what you NEED in order to consider yourself a little: The desire to identify as a little. 

Here endeth the lesson. Please enjoy your decreased level of ignorance. 

JerseyDaddy NAILED it.

Be YOU.

Let others be themselves.

If you, (whomever), has a problem with how someone defines their own happiness. Then that problem is yours, because guess what...

Still very relevant!

May 18, 2020: Morning

Here come 10:

🚩 Men who disappear and leave you alone for long periods of time

🚩 Men who take no interest in hearing and learning your limits

🚩 Men who react in anger when simply told no.

🚩 Men who isolate you, and discourage you from having healthy friendships and family relationships

🚩 Men who make you feel bad about yourself  

🚩 Subs who submit out of excitement, rather than prudence

🚩 Subs who ignore the little voice in their head due to blind trust

🚩 Subs who don’t seek opinions from other kinksters when they are unsure of something

🚩 Subs that don’t have kinky friends - just a dom

🚩 Subs who go looking for doms before they have fully learned and understood all the potential dangers and red flags they should be looking for each time they vet a candidate

Self rescue picks:

They hang around your neck by that cord, the points nest into the face of the opposite peg so you're not stabbing yourself all the time.

When you go through, they're right there in front of your face. You pull them apart and stab them into the ice. Haul your frozen ass out like climbing a peg board at the gym, but horizontally.

And in my dotage, when ice fishing I also wear creepers with metal studs on my boots now.

So I don't slip and break a hip.😉😁

Be safe out there, winter friends!

Give a man a mask and he will show you his true face.

   - Oscar Wilde (misquoted but credited)

As it appeared in The Critic as Artist (1891):

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

Words of prophecy from 100 years in the past

However we arrived at this point, there is no denying that the anonymity of the internet has allowed us to see the true character of people… whether it is cyberbullying, catfishing the desperate, or simply revealing that your ego or insecurities are visible from space.

For us here, in this realm of openness and acceptance, it is an opportunity to get a better understanding of people as individuals… A peek into their soul as it were… But, at the same time, we must continuously be on guard to the possibility of deception… a challenge to be sure.

We come here, to this community, a place so similar to many others, to learn, grow, and connect… We have seen the best and worst in people on the internet. From communities working together to help out people in need, to bullying and other behaviors that have devastated lives.

I sit here writing this as a reminder. We, as individuals, for good or bad, are nothing more than the sum of our parts…

I’m not talking about limbs, organs, or features… I’m talking about how we present ourselves, how we project ourselves, how we treat others, and most importantly who we are underneath the mask… but first a clarification… There are two kinds of mask, one that we sit behind and looks vaguely like a keyboard… and the other one, the one that we hide ourselves behind to keep others from getting in.

The sum of our parts… How we present (integrity), how we act (character), how we interact (acceptance), and what we show those close to us (openness). Sure I left out many important traits, but you know what I’m after here…

I can’t say this often enough.

Be the person you want to attract.

Integrity Character Acceptance Openness

So much of our little corner of the universe is based on trust, honor, and reputation… without those, your future here is most bleak.

- Grymjahk

What happened

A young lady-friend of mine, on Fet, asked me a question about an offer that had been put forth to her:

This guy I’m chatting with offered to be my mentor if I’d be his sub. What do you think?

I thought about this for a minute; she is new to the site, and even the lifestyle, at this point in time she is still unsure where she fits into this world of kink… She even clearly states this on her profile… and it dawns on me, he wants her to classify herself as a sub before he will “Mentor” her into figuring out where she fits in… That doesn’t add up… I suggest to her that she ask him directly how he will mentor her, what will he teach?

A day later I hear back from her and ask what his answer was…

She tells me; Just very vague statements, such as “pushing yourself to new limits”, or “learning how to take commands” or “learning how to speak to me, what is acceptable, and what is not”……things like that.

That’s not “Mentoring” that’s training… And I’ll even go so far to call shenanigans! Taking advantage of someone new for personal erotic satisfaction while purporting to help that person… Bullshit!

Mentoring

The way I see it… new people are still trying to get their bearings, they are trying to figure out where they fit in and where they want to take this journey… A Mentor will ask questions, help their charge learn how things work on the site, help ease them into the groups, and overall allow them to absorb all this information at a pace that is comfortable to them. Let them decide for them self what they want… Just be there to help them with new questions.

Training

Training is the catch-all that encompasses “Training you to please me” all the way to “Training you how to set and serve a formal dinner for 10”. Unfortunately, “training” is a buzzword, new people hear it and think they are about to receive something of value, predators use it to hide their true intentions… But the reality is that training does not occur until a goal is set…

Teaching someone to drive a truck when they don’t even know where they are going is kind of premature… Throttle on a quad is very different from a stick on a Peterbilt… and neither one may get you to the Island that requires a waterski…

Summary

When someone offers you training… Or even to be a Mentor… Ask them CLEARLY what it is that they are offering. Ask them CLEARLY what they are getting out of it… then listen to the answers and decide for yourself. If what they offer and expect are within YOUR comfort zone… remember, as the student, it’s actually all about you.

Previously I have covered loneliness and desperation on either side of the slash… I’m not the only one to do so… Here are mine for historical reasons:

Sub side  Dom side 

This writing, inspired by one of my conversations with a follower, covers MY take (and Opinions) around resolving said horrible situation.  

This is not about a formula, A certain place, or even a website… This is about fixing you and your approach… (no, I’m not saying you are broken, but maybe your method is…)

You have been abandoned. You have been hurt (not in a good way). You have been forced to move on…

For whatever reason, you are unpartnered…

If you are reading this, it is VERY likely that you are a practitioner of the liberating Lifestyle called BDSM… This means you are a person that thrives on a dynamic… a Yin/Yang symbiotic relationship…  A Sadist without a Masochist, a Dom without a sub, an Owner without a pet… these are people that are not broken… They may not even feel that they are incomplete… but they are not in that dynamic where they thrive… I personally have said a number of times, I may be a DaddyDom, but, without a sub active in my life, I’m just an old pervert.  

So… Where am I going with this?

The question that was put to me was:

“ Do you ever get tired of searching or wonder if that perfect person exist? ”

My immediate reply:

“Deep question… There is no perfect person… I hope to find one or two that are perfect for me, that will inspire me to be as close to perfect as I can be for them. If that can be believed for sounding so corny…”

And the reply that triggered this writing:

“I don’t necessarily mean perfect. I mean perfect for you. I don’t know how unique my situation is… <snip>”

It was a very long message that told me about her history, relationships, struggles, and the VERY modern problem of today’s dating scene… People only looking to hook-up between rounds of social media, and the “50 shades of Asshat” Dims that are clueless at best…

I sensed a genuine despair that she was feeling, that the days of finding a REAL human connection are going away…  Being brutally honest with myself… I’ve been there… and I agree with that snap assessment.

But, “going away” does not mean GONE. It simply means you have to look harder, work harder, be better, step up your own damn game.  ANYTHING you have to work hard for, you appreciate more. You invest the effort and it tastes so much sweeter…

“Everyone want’s to be a wolf until it’s time to do wolf shit…” - @instructor144

In his own words, this translates to “Doms want subs without the WORK of being a Dom”. However, I take this one step further for the purpose of this writing… PEOPLE want the benefits of a relationship without the efforts of earning or maintaining one. Not meaning you dear reader, but the masses of hook-up sheep that pervade our society. The flocks of “hook-up sheep” that are out there, and unworthy. You have to do the work of separating them from those that are actually worthy of your time.

How this applies to this topic… Those that have followed me (or read deeply into my blog) for the last three-plus years know that I put it ALL out there, what I like, who I think I am, my mistakes, my (perceived) successes… EVERYTHING. This search has been ongoing for over four years now. But this is not about ME, this is about my making the effort because I believe in myself and that it will pay off.

You as a searcher have to want to find “Perfect for you”… You have to want to find someone that is WORTHY of you wanting to be perfect FOR…

The Dream image above has gotten me through some very tough times. I keep a copy of it on my wall at work. A reminder to not give up.

Time+Effort = success

But the Lighthouse concept was my inspiration, what drove me. I use the Lighthouse as a signature. To me, it is a symbol of hope, a symbol of guidance, a beacon to guide “Her” to me…

This was the second Image I ever created:

Never give up hope… never stop seeking. There will be several people in your life that will be perfect for you if you open yourself up to that possibility. More so if you make the efforts to find/be found. The real problem is timing… some that are perfect may or may not become known to you simply because THEIR timing is off… They have a life issue and don’t want to drag you in… Or there are other things that prevent a connection…

But if you crawl into a hole, those people are VERY likely to miss you no matter how hard they themselves are searching… For one reason alone…

If you are searching, you have a tendency to be, either looking for someone that wants to be found or, you find another that is actively doing their own search.

Never give up. Your dream can only be realized through effort and work.

Try again.

It WILL be worth it.

 - Grymjahk

We are humans being. Either we are in a relationship or we wish to be, or, for some of you actively trying to get over one…

But we are BEING… existing… living…  

But we are also growing older… every single day, as our mortal shell ages, it takes just a bit more to get it back. Remember that we all have just so many heartbeats… the harder you make it on your body the more it will struggle.  (Way to go Grymjahk! Nice bummer you drop on us…)  

I’m not saying this out of morbidity… I am saying this as a reminder to you my reader… Each day we grow… we learn, explore, develop our mind, and add to our experiences… But each day is also an opportunity. An opportunity to improve. An opportunity to…

BE WELL.

I don’t care what age you are.  See a doctor regularly.  Be aware of what health issues you have and how to improve them. Set improvement goals. Play brain games to improve memory, Lose a few pounds if you are overweight, Meditate to reduce stress, Practice daily affirmations to improve self-esteem, Exercise more to get your metabolism up, Quit smoking, Eat more fresh food, get unhealthy habits under control… Give yourself a chance to…

BE WELL.

I can give you all kinds of external reasons… for your family, for your children, for your partner… but mostly it’s for you.  If you are constantly striving to improve your health, you WILL live longer, You WILL be happier.

I can say from personal experience… your entire attitude improves… your appeal improves… your outlook and future improve…

You see all the posts and Memes about how the love of a Dominant can heal a broken sub… the constant belief and focus creating a new confidence… how after even a short period of time they start to glow and even their family and coworkers notice…  While this is true, it is also possible that with a single personal mantra… you can do this for yourself…

BE WELL

I write this for several reasons, some are empowering… Like the fact that I personally dropped over 20 pounds and improved my overall health with about 5 months of effort. So, I say this from personal experience! But, another reason, is a concern for others in my life, dread of Doctors, or fear of the unknown, or simply can’t be bothered…  Those people in my life may not care about their own health, or choose ignorance as a defense, or maybe even just have a fatalistic approach.

But I chose to be well…

I chose to see doctors, I chose to make sure that I was not going to connect with another soul only to disappear from their life suddenly… I chose to make sure that I am around as long as I can for those that matter to me, whether I have met them yet or not.

Be the best you that you can be. With help, or as a personal project. An ounce of prevention and all of that… But PLEASE…

BE WELL

 - Grymjahk

Guys, Gals, Doms, subs…  It doesn’t matter.

This writing is for EVERYONE. 

You are either in the first group or you are in the second.

Group One:

If all of your exes were the problem in your past relationships, and you can’t point to a single recent success… You are probably the cause of the problem.  

OWN it. Learn from it. Fix it.

I’m dead serious here… Go see a therapist, just schedule ONE visit and be completely honest with them and accept that they wish to help you.  You may find out something about yourself you didn’t realize… you MAY find that having someone listen and not judge you is a liberating experience…

But, above all, you MAY be able to allow yourself a chance at a happy and fulfilling relationship. Give yourself a chance. It really is worth it.

Group Two:

What I covered above is also a VERY important Vetting tool. If your potential playmate cannot point to a better then 50/50 success rate in prior relationships, you may be going into losing situation.

Not every relationship works. We ALL get that… but if your interest doesn’t have friendships or at least nice things to say about their exes… why were they even together in the first place?

 - Grymjahk

Too many times I have witnessed this first hand, an inexperienced sub and an experienced Dom interacting… As she is not his, he shows respect.  Since he also shows concern for her safety, she assumes he is not a “real Dom” and bolts until she finds a “Twue Dom” (predator) that barks orders non-stop and has not a lick of care for her safety or well being.

If you are a sub, new to the lifestyle, regardless how much you want to jump right in (sub frenzy is a real thing, know it and learn it) do NOT throw away the gift of a Dom that is watching out for you by taking it slow. Educating you. Teaching you how to protect yourself.

If you are new, and he knows it, how he responds to your questions is EVERYTHING. If he takes the time to help you understand… Yayy for YOU! If he brushes the questions aside and shifts to anything (and everything) about HIM… run.

His showing you respect, before you submit to him, is the critical tell as to if he respects you as a human being. This is a great litmus test to where he sits on the Dom/Predator scale.

 - Grymjahk

We the Kinky, of the BDSM Culture, in order to form a more Unified society, establish Safe Sane and Consensual, insure Tolerance, provide awareness against Predators, promote general Wellbeing, and secure the blessings of Knowledge to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Guideline for the Sexually Liberated.

Guidelines of Liberation:

1.  Protect yourself - You are the first and last defense for your well being, take the time and effort to know who you are playing with. Vetting someone is not telling them you don’t trust them, it’s telling them that you care about yourself. If they have a problem with this, they may not have your best interests at heart. Additionally, Safewords are a valuable method of communication. Assign no stigma to them, (you are not ruining a scene, or disappointing your partner, by using them) as they can prevent problems; physical, mental and emotional.

2.  Inform Yourself - There are many resources for beginners and advanced alike, FIND THEM! Knowledge and furthering your education about kinks will allow you to get more out of your time and allow you to explore new things. It will also help you communicate your needs with a partner (or potential)

3.  Know Yourself - While the fantasy that your partner knows you better than you do is great. It is almost never the case early on. Know what drives you, why you choose this lifestyle. What you wish to gain or give. Know what is important to you, and what you need from it.

4.  Choose your own Identity - never let someone else tell you who or what you are. Labels can be a trap or even be misleading If you feel you are “something” then don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. For some even having an “Identity” is limiting, so remember that “Choosing not to decide, is still a choice” (and an option)

5.  Choose your own Limits - Your limits are exactly that, YOURS. You decide what you Will Not do, or Must Have, in your relationships. No one else can make that determination for you. You certainly CAN choose to have no limits with a trusted partner, but that is YOUR choice, not theirs.

6.  Choose your own Kink - Enjoy what you enjoy… It’s OK… You are free to be you. Don’t hesitate to experiment, Read, LEARN. But above all, be kind and true to yourself.

7.  Communicate, Communicate, Communicate - Mind reading is not possible. Knowing a person so deeply that you can read or predict them is. But that usually takes years of… you guessed it… Communication.  You have to learn how to communicate; your needs, your desires, your fears… even if it’s a crayon drawing, make the effort to make yourself understood. This will only benefit your relationships.

8.  Protect your Partner(s) - There are times when someone has placed trust in you. Those times are when they are most vulnerable. This is true for both sides of the slash. Sometimes you can push yourself beyond your own limits “for the sake of your partner” and it’s possible they are doing the same. This scenario can end badly. Simple “yellow” safewords (by either side) can mean the difference between a good scene and a bad one. Additionally, knowing their medical or special needs is critical.

9.  Protect your Friends - Be there for them, to talk to, to confide in, on the watch for red flags they may miss. Pay attention to who is approaching them at public gatherings, require communications from them before they leave with people they did not arrive with. Be their safe call.  We all have the potential to miss important tells when the NRE (New Relationship Energy) kicks in. Since you are on the outside, your feedback and watchfulness may make the difference one day… Likewise, be ready to accept this same input from another trusted friend.

10. Protect your Community - Be aware of, and Follow, the rules and policies of any venue, Public or Private. Do not Create or Bring Drama to public venues, sometimes it’s unavoidable, so work closely with the venue’s administration to minimize this. Creating problems, or failing to follow established rules and guidelines can get venues closed or create undesired law enforcement interdiction. Don’t be that person.

11. Accept the Variety - Remember that your kink is not everyone else’s just as theirs may not be yours. Be kind and remember that we all have different tastes with the same mantra of Safe, Sane, and Consensual. If we cannot be accepting of each other in this community, we certainly should not expect those outside our realm to accept us.

12. Cause no Harm - Never knowingly out someone, spread rumors about others, or do anything to undermine another relationship (except #9 above). It’s simply bad form. Again, don’t be that person.

-Grymjahk