Convin New Year's Countdown 2020

And with Halloween over (I’m in Europe!), we present you: The official prompt list for the Convin New Year’s Countdown 2020! Thank you all so much for your submissions, and I hope you’ll all enjoy writing, drawing, and generally creating! Feel free to post your work even if the day it’s for is already over, and don’t forget to add written words to the ao3 collection. 

tag your posts with #aconvinnewyear and tag this blog in them when you post!

Connor doesn’t want to admit it to himself but he has is currently over the moon. Living alone in that dreadfully dull apartment whose purpose has been that of a prison cell, a place where he’d spend the rest of his days waiting for some kind of divine punishment to restore the world’s balance by putting him through suffering most soul-wrenching has not been a very pleasant experience. But Sumo, that helpless creature he gets to call his friend and roommate, has done nothing wrong to waste his life like that, cooped up in a supersized terrarium. The angel of a dog deserves a proper home. And if Gavin doesn’t mind the android tagging along, then who is he to deny the floofpuff his favourite company.  Maybe it’s a bit presumptuous to think that Sumo has any distinct preference towards him, but that’s something Connor allows himself to indulge in, the idea that he’s doing a good job taking care of that overgrown puppy, that no one else would love him the same way Connor does. Of course, this kind of love would be better defined as an emotional dependency, but the canine doesn’t have to know that. 

He’s happy, no one can deny him that, but with it also comes to the violent inner conflict, for the joy that flows through him never stops feeling wrong, one way or another. As if every little bit of content that he steals for himself extends the sentence he made himself serve, that he has to make up for each and every time he smiles or feels his heart flutter in something else than fear.

Yes, he did agree to Gavin’s proposition, but it doesn’t mean his mind is automatically set on actually going through with it. 

Every time they’re locked in a shared moment like that it’s hard to deploy rationality. Hard but not impossible. And if he really was against the idea of sharing home with the one person he’s sure he loves, he wouldn’t have answered so enthusiastically. It’s just that there is a mess inside of him and he can’t quite sort through all the excess guilt and sorrow. 

“Hey, Con, what’s going on inside that head of yours? I can basically hear your brain cogs grinding.” 

(everyone’s favourite flash-back episode… tw-suicidal thinking)

March 2039

It’s been three days since the terrible accident. Three days and no sign of the walking toaster. Gavin doesn’t like to make baseless assumptions,though there is some chance the android might have been sent for deactivation for fatally endangering the life of his partner. This possibility would have filled him with joy just a few months ago, but now, it has managed to do the exact opposite. 

He is deathly afraid of never seeing Connor again, of never arguing with the smartass about stupid things that don’t matter in the end, because they really only serve as an excuse for initiating some interaction. It’s not like he likes the tin can. Not like he’s developed a very inconvenient crush. 

They’re not even officially friends yet, despite his semi-earnest apology for being an asshole to him before he deviated, and so Gavin has no valid excuse to go out of his way and seek his whereabouts. And even if did he have one, he wouldn’t know where to begin. 

He drives by the late lieutenant’s house at least twice a day, always inconspicuously slowing down to check for any signs of life. But it always seems empty, devoid of any life. The lights are never on, the old car that used to decorate the front porch long gone. And yes, he could try asking, but he would have to be much more desperate than that to do something this humiliating. Everyone thinks he hates the human-shaped computer, and that’s a reputation he’s not willing to lose. Not yet, anyway. If he were to admit to his current outlook on the whole Connor situation, he would certainly appear weak. No one needs to know just how fragile he really is, that there is a heart that yearns underneath the steel armour of his. 

Maybe he shouldn’t skip the funereal after all, the android might dare to attend. Though he has promised himself to steer clear of all mourning related places, perhaps it’s time to try and overcome his past trauma, if it increases the odds of seeing Connor alive once more. 

It’s not his fault. Gavin repeats that lie in his head like it’s some twisted mantra. He does it until the words merge together and lose all meaning.

 It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault, it’s not my fault. 

Except it is. He can’t keep blaming the circumstances for every inconsiderate decision he makes. 

Because it was none other than him who made Connor cry this time. He’s supposed to make sure the android stays relatively happy and well, a job he’s excellent at failing. 

So what if he loves him like no one else in this world, doesn’t mean he has to burden the poor soul with this irrelevant information. They’re friends, first and foremost, even though the Connor who lives in his chest tries to convince him otherwise. It shouldn’t matter. They have each other now, despite the fact that one of them always try to get closer. Though if they ever want to go there, it will have to be a mutual decision. So he’s more than glad he didn’t let Gavin kiss him. Lucky his partner has brains. At least one of them should.

Connor can’t help but laugh when a palm lands on his cheek ever so softly. 

“You’re aware that I can’t feel physical pain, right?” 

“Shut up,” Gavin pretends that he’s bothered by that rhetorical question, but the hint of a smile trying to force its way in doesn’t go undetected. Ever since the morning, his face has been graced by the shade of red Connor can’t get enough of, which is the main reason for his good mood.  

Somehow they ended up playing rock-scissors-paper and Gavin insisted that the loser should receive some form of punishment, “to spice it up a little”. He thinks that the man just wants to test how advanced his programming is, to find out whether he’s even capable of losing. The truth is he could accurately estimate Gavin’s move if he concentrated enough, but then this would be no fun now, would it. 

Of course, he had to draw paper in their first round and the fact that Gavin immediately went for scissors was all but unexpected. The man himself can be sharp like a knife when you touch the wrong side of him. 

The cold water does nothing to quiet his distressed heart, it only succeeds in putting him even more on edge, just as he is afraid it might. As his body slowly succumbs to the sweet feeling of numbness, he goes over the events of this night in his head, thinking whether he should just give in and let himself be selfish. As long as they’re here, in a place far away from their everyday lives, what could stop them from enjoying a little harmless make-believe.

Except when his playmate is Connor, nothing is ever risk-free and safe. Gavin should lock himself in the bathroom till the morning, then drive them home and never talk to the android ever again, for both of their sakes. A plan that has more holes than a colander. First of all, he’s really fucking tired and a bed, no matter how uncomfortable, is something he’s physically unable to turn down. Besides, they are work partners, if nothing else, and he doesn’t want to entrust Connor to some stranger. Not that he’s worried the tin can won’t handle himself, it’s just… he got so used to having him around to help him with the stuff his stupid human brain isn’t equipped to carry out that he can’t even imagine being on his own. He’s never had a partner last this long, and frankly, it would be a shame to ruin their job-efficiency just because one of them can’t keep his mouth shut.

Connor is supposed to be the smart one. The entire point of his existence is to surpass all human beings in almost everything. But ‘almost’ is the key-word here. Apparently, maintaining impulse control is too much for his deviant processors.

Because a kiss, no matter how small or casual, always carries a hidden meaning. Or that’s how it should be. A gesture exchanged with the family to remind them they are a part of us, means of telling someone unrelated that they are welcome to become a part of it. Except he has no one but Gavin, so it ought to be only natural that he would want to show him just how treasured and important he is. To let him understand that he holds Connor’s heart in his hands.

He can’t figure out whether the man likes this kind of physical contact since the elevated heart rate could signify both things. Still, Gavin’s attraction to the android is no secret to him, so it would be safe to assume that his body has responded positively to the sudden violation of boundaries. What is going on inside his mind however, that is another matter altogether. He of all people realises how perplexing it could be, how it tries to destroy every bit of happiness that its owner might come upon. But maybe, if they join forces against the guards that are keeping them apart, maybe then they will have a fighting chance.

“I… I miss you.” He lets the tears freeze over on his reddened cheeks as he tracks the footprints left around the grave. They are all his. Gavin is the only one present in this gloomy place this late at night. It’s a wonder he even managed to sneak in, given the sheer amount of pain he’s in. His fingers have gone numb from the cold, while his heart has slowly been turning into an icicle ever since the moment he kicked Connor out.

“I’m sorry for not visiting more often. It’s just..” too hard. He dreads the memories born on the day the one person he loved enough to die for did exactly that. “I’ve met someone… someone good,” he sniffles, remembering the reason he isn’t there with him. “You would adore him, …just like I do.” A broken piece of laughter escapes his throat, which prompts him to finally wipe the crystallising liquid out from his face. It stings as it comes off, providing him with the punishment he craves.

“I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt something this… strong for anyone and it’s killing me that I can’t do anything about it.”  Because he’s afraid, because he has issues with self-control, because he has become so used to his miserable existence that he can’t accept the possibility of being happy for once… and other such excuses. How pathetic can one be before it starts endangering the people around him?

Gavin is totally screwed, there’s no way around it. Who gave his greedy heart the permission to speak anyway. Why didn’t he put a lock on his running mouth before he decided to perform some kind of bonding ritual with the person who is ruining his life in the best way one ever could. He tries to justify it to himself, puts blame on the perfect moment that had made him lose his guard. Things always get out of hand whenever one of them crosses the flimsy boundary they have so carefully set up. His feelings just can’t help going outside their cage whenever their source starts mirroring them and plant dangerous ideas to his head while they’re at it. They entice him with the possibility that Connor could love him too. That he isn’t just tolerating his advances for the sake of their relationship, that he hasn’t done all this because he’s afraid Gavin would leave him alone if he said no.

If only he wasn’t such a coward and finally asked. “Hey Connor, do you maybe have feelings for me?” Yeah, that’s never ever going to happen. He’d rather spend the rest of his life in solitude than do something this embarrassing. And it’s not that he fears rejection, but the moment his little bubble of hope gets burst, there is no telling how his twisted mind will react. He fears that he would hurt Connor by returning to his old, callous self. It’s not easy to admit, but the android has played the main role in his path to redemption. Without him, he would still be a racist asshole ready to go after those who have done him no harm. He owes Connor more than he could ever pay back, so why does he put their hard-earned connection at risk all the time. Why does he think he can go on like this, aching for someone who requires stability, solid ground under his feet, not the bottomless abyss Gavin has become throughout the years no one was there to make sure he doesn’t fall the wrong way. If only… if he had met Connor before he went bad, then things would have had the chance to work out. Though the android hasn’t even been created back then, so at least he doesn’t have to beat himself over for not finding him sooner.  

“You wanna do it now… or?”

That has been his spontaneous plan in the first place, but when it’s about to come true, Connor starts hesitating. For some reason, he feels like he’s deceiving Gavin.

Maybe because he, as a matter of fact, is. The explanation he gave him was only a half-truth. A plausible excuse concealing his ulterior motives. For all he really wants is to belong to someone.  He wants to have a piece of Gavin etched inside of him for the times when he’s all alone and needs something tangible to bring him back from those bleak depths his mind likes to explore so. He needs a real proof of their mutual bond, so he can try and subdue his fear of abandonment.

It’s probably foolish, but he likes to think that they are bound together by their shared past. Gavin has been a vital part of his life for most of its span so-far, therefore it’s only natural that Connor would put so much importance on their relationship. But he hasn’t expected that one day he’ll hold desires which would go beyond what’s commonly acceptable between two friends. It seems to him almost sinful because he can’t give Gavin the things he’s most likely looking for. Connor’s not technically a man, barely a human being. Too damaged to hold much value anymore.

Gavin has gone over the speed limit plenty of times before, but never because he was just hurrying to meet someone he personally cared about. A first that makes him worried about his ability to stop his feelings from ruining everything before it gets too late. And it’s not like Connor is in any immediate danger, he would be a lot more panicked if that were the case since he has trouble regulating his natural responses - unfortunately so. Still, the poor android deserves better than to suffer through distress with no one around who would keep him above ground. A job he is more than willing to accept. He’d even go full-time if there was an opening, because none of his demons could ever prevent him from handing a helping hand to the person who lives inside his heart, just as long as their interactions stay platonic.

He clutches the steering wheel as he makes the final turn, wondering how on earth has he managed to fall this deep.

Connor doesn’t think that offering a piece of himself to the dead is suddenly going to make all of his problems disappear, but he assumed it might help a little. Just enough to clear his view of the future. The reality is that as he comes back home and shuts the door behind him, his heart seems to sink lower than ever, creating a vast empty space that aches to be filled. He has more than a vague idea of what it is that’s lacking, now that he’s said goodbye to the person who serves as an addictive painkiller for his diseased mind. Now when he’s realised that his home feels more like a prison than a place to which he likes to return.

If it wasn’t for his canine companion he wouldn’t even bother coming here at all. There are more productive ways to spend his free time than aimlessly wandering around his apartment, waiting for things to change. He could be going through evidence, piecing up clues to solve their latest… or any case, really.  He could be helping those in need of assistance.

He could just go to his real home and put an end to this tiring misery. The only issue preventing him from doing so is that the doors are locked and he can’t find the right key. (And he’s done barging in through the window for it always leaves a mess behind)

But his hands are cold despite producing as much heat as his body will take, and the solution for that is unnecessarily far away. If only Gavin asked. He wouldn’t hesitate for a second then.

For now, all he can do is hug Sumo and hope that it will be enough to warm him up just so he’ll survive till the next time one of them decides to be brave.

Gavin hates graveyards. He would rather jump into the freezing river than walk among rotting corpses buried under his feet. It brings back memories he keeps hidden away from himself, makes him feel like he’s twenty again.

Yet somehow he’s standing by the partially open gate, about to venture inside and do whatever his inscrutable partner has in mind. He could have said no without much repercussion, could go without torturing himself like this, but Connor asked him so eagerly and it would kill him to deny the android his one request. They normally don’t call each other outside of work, so it came a bit as a (pleasant) shock when his phone rang this afternoon and the display showed the one name that made him nervous.

Connor rarely ever wants anything, and when he does, it’s almost always about Gavin. He doesn’t know whether to feel flattered or terrified by that, so he goes with what is the most natural to him - letting his emotions run amok while he tries to act like they don’t exist at all. 

It never works.

“Same here.”

Connor doesn’t know why he says it. It is all true, of course it is. Every single syllable stung his chest as it came out in the open, revealing just how desperate he truly is underneath that failing composure. He really shouldn’t let stuff like this leave the boundaries of his mind. There is still time to make it into a half-hearted joke, he can still twist his words into something less uncompromising. It’s just that for the first time in a long while he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning in the mess washed up by his muddled past. Because Gavin holds his hand like he doesn’t want to ever let go, and Connor holds his in the same exact way. The touch is too overwhelming and not enough at the same time, that’s why he has to cut this precious moment short so it doesn’t turn into something they’re not prepared to bear yet. Even though Gavin radiates warmth he doesn’t quite know how to give up so abruptly, he lets go of him anyway. But not without some spontaneous struggle from the detective’s side. 

Nothing good lasts forever and so even Connor’s short vacation comes to an early end, making him wish he had an excuse to take some more. He has plenty left too, never really having the need to spend more than what’s mandatory. The prospect of keeping himself a sole company for very long doesn’t much appeal to him. Too afraid of the brain rot that would make a space for his internalised guilt to fully manifest. 

There is never anything to do but to waste his free day away talking to his four-legged friend who doesn’t seem to even enjoy their one-sided conversations. He could busy himself with countless tasks but what’s the point when no one’s here to witness it. 

Sometimes he gets to hang out with his friends, rarely he’s ever lucky enough to pass the time with the one person who can make him smile, who can make him realise that there is more to him than the hurt corroding his insides. It happened only once, actually. 

warning: much angst

There are loud noises coming from all around, deafening not only him but also the people who are stupid enough to stick around. They make him paralyzed, make him scared out of his mind and unable to think. 

It’s happening all over again. The screams, the insults, the profanities. The “I have raised a failure”s and “we should have aborted you”s. And Gavin believes it too. Every single word being spat out of the grizzly maw resonates deep within his soul, making him wonder why he should wake up every morning if he’s nothing but a waste of space. He doesn’t even want to fight it, because he’s small and tired, and tried so many times before with nothing but more scars to show for it. So he just lets the scene unravel in front of him just like any other time. And the eyes keep watching him, judging him for all he has and hasn’t done. Every member of his family has gathered around to take a part in the shaming ritual that comes about almost every other night. Even his mother is there, piercing him with her blank stare, unaffected by the horrors that take place around her.

Maybe he’s just weak. Maybe he deserves it. Maybe he should just end it all.

I think about writing a chaptered story for the Convin New Year’s Countdown 2020. It would be the usual back-forth two idiots in love shenanigans but this time on Christmas time:D! kind of have it planned out, more likely gonna wing it xD. Expect the usual dose of angst and softness. Oh and it would be called “Low-temperature burn” because I’m obsessed with that song ok :D Tell me how you feel about it please thank :)

————

A lone snowflake finds its way inside through the crack in the window, landing on Connor’s forehead. He wants to take a closer look at it, but his finger melts it before he has the chance to put it in his field of vision. It has always been like this. Good things getting ruined by his carelessness, his innate sense of superiority.  

It has been two hundred and seventy-three days since it last snowed. It’s not that Connor is fascinated by the white substance falling from the clouds above to the point of being able to recall the last day of snow with precise accuracy, it’s because he isn’t able to forget that day. He isn’t able to forgive himself. Sometimes he wishes he could just delete all his memories and start fresh, but there are things that are too important to be discarded. People who are still alive, people who wouldn’t deserve getting abandoned like that. The friends that he loves. He still things it an utter wonder he has managed to make any, granted they are almost exclusively just his coworkers.