BITCHIN

Feelings have been fucked lately, i did something I shouldn't have probably done. I had no intention of doing what I did but shit happens I guess. I don't regret it though, to be honest I'd thought it'd never happen but it might have been the best hour or two of my life recently even if it shouldn't have happened. The bad part is I can't spot thinking about this girl. I used to think about her maybe once a week or two on the drive home from work or just when my mind was in limbo she was who I thought of. But now she's the only thing on my mind and it drives me nuts. I feel like I'm tripping on dopamine but I'm not. The heart wants what it wants I guess, the only thing standing in the way is false love on her end I guess. I know I sound like a dick saying "false love" but why would this happen if something wasn't there. It's not just hormones or intoxicated driven mishaps. It's just two souls meant to be together giving into the urge against everything society deems taboo. I've broken it off with my partner due to this just because I literally felt no remorse, it felt natural being with her. I never stopped loving her and I guess I never will not love her. You know it's funny I was living in the mid west, in hotels dreading everything it took me years not to go insane thinking about what I could have done better with this woman. One thing I can say is, I'm not a stupid teen anymore, I'm an adult and I know what I want. I think in my subconscious I wanted to move back home to see her. First thing I did when I got home was see her, I fucked that up but it was nice seeing her. I think I'm done now, I hope something works out or that we talk soon I'm just going mad these nights all alone. You know who you are, and you know I will never stop loving you. Something draws us together and it's not just coincidence.

I don’t use tumblr really anymore, exgirlfriend got me into it. But its a place to write and why not. So its May, ive been living in Kansas the last 10 months I found a job I like and it pays very well and I can go anywhere with it. I have moved state  to state since i graduated high school, always had someone there to help me when I was down. But since losing my girlfriend, social life was non existent, and i blamed myself for everything that ever went long with my relationship and dug myself a big sad gloomy hole. Food didnt taste the same, I have family but I dont share feelings and emotion well. Easier to write it out sometimes; so I dug myself a hole and just put myself in a mind set that im just going to not try anymore to have a relationship and just do what comes to me. Well since ive been in kansas these last months, ive made great money; enough that i complete with my brother that has a degree. i work a lot of hours but i like it and my life has kind of revolved around my job since i have acquired it. But nights like theses when im out of town, in a hotel room, all alone. I miss some company. I miss just someone being there, and its these moments where i think about the things i would have done different. Summer of my sophmore year of high school is when i began a committed relationship that would later change my whole personality, style, and view on life once it ended. but it was that summer when i had the option of being with that girl i began a relationship with or if i stayed single what would have happened? But here is what nobody knows besides me and another, while i was about to start a relationship that summer i was also interested in another girl i had been seeing too. so i always think what if i had gone the other path, been with someone different? would she have been better? its these questions that kill me, what if. Would i have moved so many times or would i have stayed in little old Honesdale? i really wish i could go back and see if a different path would have gotten me to a happier place than where i am now.