sarah.

point blank.

           Everyday I've been waking up, already knowing how the day will go. And my predictions are never wrong. At some point in the day I'll get bitched at for something I didn't even do, have the worst headache, have no type of energy what so ever, get betrayed. It's all the same. I'll just sit there and feel so useless and tired. I just want to sleep, but I can't because there's always something for me to do. It's probably just because I'm sick. 

    It's nice having a best friend come over and eat soggy tacos with you when you feel like shit pie.

        Can you like, take your head out of your ass for a second so you can see how hurt I am? Or did you loose it because it's so far up there? Honestly, I really need someone who understands how I'm feeling right now and supports my decisions even if they think it's wrong. Like, real shit, put yourself in my shoes for once. I have to deal with all this bullshit and pressure and all you can do is call me stupid. At least try to imagine how I feel. It's called empathy.

          Finally, the Valentine's Day dance comes. S is on the decor. committee (I guess you could say) and she's there earlier than anyone. So, A didn't attend the dance so she's all by herself. Making decisions by herself. Dealing with all this pressure by herself. So, 7 song's and a shit fuck tons of sweat later, Someone Like You by Adele come's on. " This one is requested from R to S " S get pressured into slow dancing with him. So S ends up doing so. Afterwards, S calls A and she called S stupid. Isn't that lovely? A believes that she is trying to protect S after what had happened before. Long story short. R, S's boyfriend at the time was hitting on A while in a relationship with S. The irony? S and A are best friends. Back to the present, after five minutes of  S moping around in the bathroom stall. S goes back to the dance, J still in hope of dancing with S puts his hand out. But, D jumps in front of J and put HIS hand out. What does S do? She runs out into the bathroom and mopes around for another 10 minutes. Eventually C comes in and surprise, surprise, R and J are outside. R begs S to come out and ends up having to come into the girls bathroom to get S out. R and J tries to explain, but S refuses walking away. How does S end the night? Walking out of the dance in tears.

      I feel like everything I do is wrong. I will always disappoint somebody. Honestly, I really like him and it's my decision right? And I mean what's the fun of liking someone and not being able to talk about it with your best friend? She doesn't even want to hear his name. Yet, she sits with him all day laughing and joking and then comes and complain to me. Look at yourselves in my shoes. How hurt I feel knowing that you guys are always together. Chosen to be together. In my eyes it seems like it's fate.

               i feel like i'm complaining, like i'm getting jealous over nothing. whenever i'm like this it's like you're yelling at me and you're over there telling me to be sensitive to your feelings. i can't even say anything like this because i know you can't take it. but, i'm not going to sit here and be every other friend. i'm not like that. i will tell you the truth and if you can't take it, then you can't. and if you can't then don't be my friend because i'm all about honesty and i say legit, whatever is on my mind and everyone knows that.

             i really don't know what to do at this point. i try and try and try to please you to the best of my ability but it's shit. i help you at your fucking party cleaning up beer, throw up, making tea, helping you cook, and you are downstairs saying shit like " you don't know how to help " excuse me? that just got me heated. i help you do all this shit and it turns to shit. the fuck? this is why i hardly do shit around the house, it doesn't get appreciated and it's always turned against me, and you expect me to fucking help now? i try to calm you down while you're crying your ass over what? shit! i didn't do shit! and you push me to the ground? you expect me not to have an attitude?! speaking of attitudes, according to my sister everything i say has to be with a fucking attitude or i'm just being rude right? i want to fucking kill you. you say i'm rude and you're over here yelling and pointing at your own mom?! the fuck is wrong with you?! you called her a kid, useless and you expect her NOT to cry at night ? you're calling me rude when you yell at me?! i'm honestly so tired right now, this doesn't get through to any one. i can't even get shit through my head in school. i'm not sad, mad, upset, or pissed, im trying to figure shit out so i wont kill myself. i honestly think i would be dead right now if i never have alone time. alone time to think, to sort shit out. i want to be dead.

Today, I learned that you can't trust anyone. First me going to the mental hospital? Then, my private thoughts? Way to go. At some point they will come right after you and stab you straight in the back. Well, now it's my turn to stab you in the back. Harder.

     The next person to bitch at me for no apparent reason will be the death of them, as well as me. If you're going to ask me to do shit, ask me calmly. You don't have to bitch at me because you're bitching at someone else, Mom. I swear I will go fucking nuts because everyone's is just up my ass. Can't you leave me alone for like, a second? Sarah this, Sarah that. No, shut the fuck up. I constantly get used in this house, what do I get out of it? Bitched at and criticized. I can't do it anymore. I've been trying to keep myself sane by keeping it all in, but it's not helping. I've been writing my feelings out, talking about them, cutting, smoking, pill-popping. NOTHING WORKS ANYMORE. There's only one thing left, and I can't wait for it.

       Those last eleven last words killed me. Killed me. Killed. I just looked at her for 2 seconds and started crying. She didn't even care, she said " You're so ugly when you cry! Stop crying. Stop being a little girl " I ran upstairs and just cried and cried. Do you know how it feels to be called fat every second of the day when you wake up and when you go to sleep? It's fucking terrible and the fact that she said that my dad probably hates me because of it? Made it all worse. Note that it was 1PM. P fucking M

     i am just fucking tired. of school, of explaining my feelings, of getting yelled at for shit, of everything. i have a group project and I am literally the only one who does the work and if I fail, I will make a death list and my group member's names will be on it. i have a fucking science fair about a disease i know shit about. PSSAs are coming up and I need to start studying. this test will depend on my high school life. if i fail? i have a crappy life. school is so stressful. i'm not even in eight grade, what the fuck, man? i can imagine how stressful next year will be. i shiver at that thought. oh god.