what if if i go to sleep right now, i will wake up where everything is okay and i can start over and i have a better life

i dont want to work for this life anymore

i just want to have a different better one where i can start over some things

i barely want to be awake in this life anymore, i want to sleep a lot so i don't have to be awake or aware of this life anymore

i love dreamland, i love dreams

maybe if i go to sleep right now, when i wake up everything is okay...

i can forget about this life, i can forget about whatever happened in this life, this life doesn't matter, this life didn't happen, whatever here never happened, and i can start over and everything is okay and i have a better life

what if this is happening in this life right now because if i go to sleep right now when i wake up, i'll wake up in a better life where everything is okay and i can start over what i want to start over, what if this is happening in this life rn because im being told i shouldnt stay longer in this reality and im meant to have a better reality where i do get to start over

so now i dont have any dreams i actually care about now...

why can't things just be perfect

why can't things just be fun

why can't things just be okay

i dont even know what i was trying to do to myself that time if i was harming myself or trying to kms but all i knew was i couldnt care less what would happen to me if i died or not i just wanted to hurt myself or feel something

when i lived but ended up with consequences i tried hard to stay positive and optimistic about this life, this reality, about my dreams and goals. especially since when i was really scared i was about to die, all i could think about were the things i didn't get to do and that i wish i did, i realized i was too scared to die

but now it makes me want to kms again its hard to see the good and stay optimistic. because now the things i wanted to do so badly and that i could only think about when i felt like i was about to die, theres a chance i might not even be able to do them now. those silly dreams i had for years that i promised to myself i would fulfill when i finally am able to. those silly dreams were some of the only things i ever wanted amd ever cared about in this life. and now im being told i might not even be able to do them now and i have to move on AGAIN? i always have to keep giving up and moving on again and again, these dreams came to be after i had given up and moved on from a different thing before it and i was extremely set on these specific dreams, and now i feel like i can't, now i feel like i have to give up on my dreams again and move on again, are you fucking kidding me, and this time these specific dreams now i loved more than and was extremely set on more than all my other dreams before, and that i loved more than anything, seriously, even if these dreams are silly as hell, these dreams mattered to me so much also especially with circumstances around them and with why they came to be, why they stayed, why i have them, why i loved them so much.

but i know im too scared to actually kms.

i just fucking hate this life, its hard to look forward to it now. maybe i don't actually want to die because then again, i love the idea of being immortal but maybe i just want a better life, a life that doesn't keep kicking me down. now i dont know what to do. because those dreams were actually the only thing that didn't make me feel empty

whatever nobody will read this anyways why the fuck am i typing this i just dont know what to do now,