Vaguely

Yesterday I had aimed to log off and wander alone on forest trails until dusk but plans changed.

Popeye’s ex decided to keep his boys overnight so he and I jumped at the impromptu child free time together.

We went for a walk then picked up food from my fav taco truck and brought it to my place to eat and watch 21 Jump Street. He’d never seen it. We ate and cuddled and laughed our asses off and kissed a few times.

The big deal is that I invited him into my apartment. Even though it could use a dusting/sweep/mop/vacuum. I carry a lot of anxiety around people seeing/judging my living space. It wasn’t perfect but I let him in. I told him it made me feel extra vulnerable and he was sensitive to that.

My dog -who takes literal years to warm up to people- was ok with him. She still kept a close eye on out but didn’t go buck nutty like she does with most unfamiliar people.

Saturday I drove off with my full Yeti tumbler on the roof. 😆 it’s salvageable but- The same day Popeye gave me my new water bottle! 😁 I saw and complimented his a while back because I like the handle and I love a sans straw lid that lets me guzzle. He remembered. 😊

Our friend group is in a groove lately and it’s something I hadn’t realized I’d been missing so much. Up until 12 years ago my life was a steady stream of several families always having fun weekends together.

Yearning. It’s hard to focus on my responsibilities. There’s this urgent feeling that I need to do something amazing and impulsive to counteract how much I want to be with him. I read somewhere I should sit with it and think about how I can give myself whatever it is I’m craving from someone else. Sounds fake but ok.

Serendipity. Yesterday my college roommate and I received surprise mail from each other. I love that for us.

I’ve already got my independent bookstore lgbtqia2s+ , forest, and desert stickers. There’s plenty of space to fill.

On Wednesday we were walking hand in hand through that big field of flowers and talking about what we’d seen on our previous walks.

I mentioned that I noticed he used a pic of the Lorquin’s Admiral butterfly for the cover on the playlist he made for me last week.

He remembered we’d seen that butterfly together back in May.

He smiled, “it can be our butterfly” The way he said it was so wholesome, not corny or lecherous.

We both genuinely and enthusiastically enjoy just being in each other’s presence.

Guys, we haven’t even made out. We’ve held hands and kissed.

On Wednesday he traced soft little paths around my hand and forearm with his fingertips.

She was a lot different in person. The rune tattoo on her forehead looks 3x bigger in real life. I expected her voice to be louder and deeper. She was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking and looking at cards she had placed on the ground. She seemed so small and sad.

Idk when I’ll get to see Popeye again but I hope it’s before our group goes berry picking a week from Saturday

When we’re out together with our group +kiddos there is no hand holding or obvious flirting. The adults know, the children do not and it’ll stay that way as long as needed

My manager said I’ve grown a lot over the past year

She should know she spends more 1:1 time with me than anybody else

Weekly hour long meetings oooof

Um. LG’s dad is pushing his luck 🙄 as per the usual. His decisions with no communication that impact my scheduled time with LG? Naaah that’s not my priority

So controlling

There’s nothing, not a face or a shape or anything.

I remember spinning out as a child when I went to visit my dad and realized this.

I was so afraid I’d forget what my mom looked like.

It’s not like this for everybody, is it?

Oh, my heart.

My windowsill is home to the World’s Laziest Venus Fly Trap.

Does anyone have a link to a free Meyers Briggs Type Indicator test?

And he’s crushing on me, too.

We have a lunch date planned on Thursday. We have been seeing each other about once a week and it feels like we’re moving so slowly but it also feels so wholesome and sweet. I think we’re headed in the right direction.

I’ve had to give myself reality checks because it’s very important that this time, if I fall in love, it can NOT be with the idea of someone. It has to be with the real human in front of me if it happens at all. Otherwise I don’t need it or want it.

I mean, I wasn’t looking!!! He wasn’t either.

It’s just one day, we took our kids to our friend’s kid’s birthday party and this time I kept thinking about him the next day. And the day after that, and now we’ve gone on a few dates and we text every day.

This guy is someone who has been in the background and seen me in my element in the company of our dear mutual friends over the past 12 years. He knows me and he celebrates who I am. That means so much to me. And there’s still so much to learn about each other.

Unfortunately, the recent increase in my hormone patch has me feeling like a sexual being again. Whyyyyy 😭😭😭😭 the physical attraction needs to be my secret from him for now. If it’s meant to be it’ll happen naturally.