4amthoughtspot

Maybe you should trust the missed connections, the calls gone unanswered, the opportunities that had every reason to work out but didn’t. Maybe you should trust in the small signs before they become big ones. Maybe you should trust those tiny contractions, the nights that exhaust you and the people who don’t see you and the places that make you feel that subtle uneasiness. Maybe you should learn to trust in what passes you by so you’ll begin to trust in what lands right in front of you. Maybe you should trust that in what isn’t working, because it might be trying to guide you to what will.

The beautiful thing as you get older is that you realize so many “rules” are made up and you can just do whatever. Posters can go anywhere in the house not just my room. I can sit down while cooking a meal or taking a shower. I can make the same thing for breakfast lunch dinner for a week straight. I can roam around the house shirtless. I can wear a dress with jeans. The world is my oyster key word my and I can live as I please embracing little things such as this

I love you ocean, I love you beach, I love you seashell, I love you fish, I love you moon, I love you sun, I love you stars, I love you mermaids, I love you ships, I love you sailors, I love you surfers, I love you weird deep sea creatures, I love you pearls, I love you fossils, I love you treasure chests, I love you houseboats, I love you anchors, I love you waves, I love you sea foam, I love you sea glass, I love you-

I'm like if a girl had the urge to scream and break something all the time but stays quiet instead

forever in awe of people who pay attention. people who wait for you while you tie your shoes while the others have walked away. when they continue listening intently while the rest of the group stopped listening. noticing your moments of silence when everyone else hasn’t. “this made me think of you” noticing things you never even noticed about yourself. people who say “text me when you get home safe.” people who make you laugh until you cry. childhood friends who keep in touch. people with genuine intentions. people who are soft when the world has given them every opportunity to turn hard. the “let’s get ice cream” at 3am friend. the turn up the music in the car and sing friend. people whose actions match their words. people who make the world feel less chaotic. kindred spirits. the trustworthy and honest. hard workers. good listeners. clear communicators. people who love you for who you are. people who don’t ask you to be anything other than yourself. people who choose you. people who stay.

i want to be loved like the women i read about. like i’m the person they would do anything for. the person they look for in everyone else and everywhere they go because they can’t get her out of their heads. the person their entire being burns for. the person they are patient with, even when she’s rambling, being emotional or sick. the person they go out of their way for, over and over again, because it’s her. the person they love. the person they… love and keep loving.

the fact that i'm no longer the same age as the protagonists of novels and films i once connected to is so heartbreaking. there was a time when I looked forward to turning their age. i did. and i also outgrew them. i continue to age, but they don't; never will. the immortality of fiction is beautiful, but cruel.

Whilst you nourish your body with exercise, slow yoga, nighttime body milk, adorn it with jewellery and sultry perfume, carefully drape it with clothes that fit… don’t forget to nourish your mind. Classical music, podcasts, brain games like crosswords, sudoku, mental math, art even if you’re terrible at it, gardening even if your plants never seem to grow, cooking even if you might burn the house down - embrace learning, embrace curiosity, and enjoy your own company. Be the best wife you could be to your own self first. Care for yourself, defend yourself, grow, teach, constructively criticise yourself; be the best parent you could be to yourself.

being self-directed, being my own muse, my own inspiration, my own mental point of origin, putting my own opinion of myself first, these are what gives me the confidence to happily do as I please and live my life without caring what others feel about my decisions and most importantly, without caring what decisions others are making with their lives. this is being self centered in a healthy way.