my favorite thing is when you pick up an animal and you look them in the eyes and you can tell nothings going on behind them. you look at them and theres just elevator music. stupid animals really are like the fucking best, the lights are on but no one is home

that also happens when u pick me up and look into my eyes

my writing ability currently feels on par with that of like…. a seven year old. i’m just writing one sentence. then another sentence. subject verb object, dependent clause period. do any of them relate? unclear. that is for god to decide. i certainly can’t.

the url makes this so much funnier 

*over the loudspeaker at ikea* FIRST BLOOD

i think if i, in the flesh, heard that in an ikea some primal part of me would break out and smash a norrnäs over the closest person’s head

if you work retail long enough i think you should be given license to kill 

addendum: during holiday season they give the entire staff a machete regardless of how long they’ve worked retail and whatever happens, happens

Attention all customers: our store will be closing in five minutes. If you are present in the store after closing you will be hunted for sport.

bro we have flour and water and a bit of salt bro let’s make some hardtack dude. let’s make fucking hardtack i swear to god man

primadonna girl……………………………………………………………………………………….

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………yeah