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DM: “(Monk), roll an arcanum check, because you may recall what this creature is from your studies.”

Me: *rolls a nat 2*

So I recently started a campaign of 5e (I’m DMing) and I started my players in an evil necromancers dungeon. One thing led to another and half the party ended up in a gore pile.

Wizard(OOC): I’ve still got no shirt on right?

DM(Me): Yeah.

Wizard(OOC): Cool! Can I start an orgy with the others?

Rogue(OOC): Hell yeah!

Context: In a dark heresy campaign, my Iron Hands techmarine had just shot off the sword arm of an enemy officer charging me with a chainsword. I then crushed his other hand so he couldn’t fight back and dangled him upside down by the foot with my servo arm, attempting to interrogate him for information. At this point the officer is bleeding profusely out of both arms and what little blood is left in him is rushing to his head. My character is heavily augmented with cybernetics and takes a large penalty on any ‘charisma’ based interactions with anyone who is not.

Me (ooc): “I want to ask this guy about enemy troop locations in the area so we have an idea of what we’re up against.”

*critically fails the intimidation check*

DM: “You begin screaming incoherently while shaking him up an down with your servo arm. The mental strain he goes through trying to understand your nonsense while hanging upside down gives him a brain aneurysm and he dies on the spot.”

Me: “Apothecary! I require your skills to revive this important fleshling!”

Blood Angel Apothecary (successfully using his bone drill to perform complex brain surgery): “Don’t you die on me, human! I must kill you myself! The emperor demands it!”

DM: “The officer regains consciousness with the apothecary’s drill still lodged in his skull and immediately begins screaming in pain and fear.”

Me: “Cease your whimpering, scum! Tell us what we want to know!”

*fails another intimidation check*

DM: “The officer, not even knowing what it is you want from him, abandons all hope and begins begging for death. He promptly runs out of blood and dies. Again. No amount of “first aid” can bring him back.

Me (gently poking his corpse to see if he’s still alive): “Hmm…Perhaps I was not frightening enough. I will take this into consideration for future interrogations.“ 

Our Squad’s Devastator (who has a notably higher ‘charisma’ than everyone else and just watched the whole ordeal unfold): "Hey guys? Not to rain on your torture parade or anything, but uhh… I think I should handle the prisoners from now on.”

Rogue: I’m going to get him down on the floor. And then non-lethally take my dagger and put it through his arm so it is pinning him to the floor.

GM: Jesus Christ.

Bard and druid: Oh my god!

Our GM is considering a new DND campaign centered around fighting the monsters Beholders.

one or our players: “ Oh! I know what I’d play!”

GM: “ Ok, shoot”

Player: “ I would play a priest of the god of beauty! My quest in life it to fight a beholder and cut out its eye!”

GM: “…sure.. but why?”

Player:-snickering- “ Because my friend, beauty is in the eye of the beholder”

[Mild Curse of Strahd spoilers]

So our party is investigating the Amber Temple in Barovia, when our chaotic good (emphasis on the former, as the latter changes at the end of this story) cleric Rokas accidentally discovers a lich who has lost his memories. She fails her roll to know what a lich is.

DM: So yeah, you basically just think this skeleton dude is pretty chill.

Rokas: I’m gonna cast Greater Restoration on the lich

The lich regains his memories and is super grateful to us for helping him, so when we ask about the weird voices we had all heard (which we found were the temples evil spirits reaching out to us), he volunteered to show us all the tombs

DM: you know… I really see no reason why he wouldn’t show you all the treasure, too.

Context: I play a Nagaji Druid and me and our Human Warpriest have to get some guy’s head for a faction quest. We’re also playing with a Paladin, Wizard, Summoner, and a Slayer. We come across said guy at the end of our dungeon.

Warpriest(IC): Oi, we need your face!

Me(IC): Wait can I roll Survival to skin it off his body?

Warpriest(IC): I don’t see why not.

Me(IC): Can I wear it?