Another Annoying Teenager Whining About Life

fuck i just want someone to help me

i just want someone to listen

one of these days i'm just going to say yes.

one of these days someone's going to ask me if i'm a lesbian and i'm just going to say yes.

i mean yeah, i have a boyfriend and i definitely like him, but deep down i know that when i go to college, i'm not going to be dating boys.

it doesn't change the fact that i really really like ben, but i mean, i still think of girls when i'm aroused, and i can't help but wonder how much more satisfying it would be to kiss a girl.

that's why i didn't kiss emily.

i had the opportunity to kiss the girl of my dreams and i turned it down.

i still can't really believe it.

after i had my first kiss, i told he i wasn't quite sure if he was a good kisser or not because i had nothing to compare it to. so then chris had the bright fucking idea to have me kiss her so i could see what a real kiss was like. naturally i was all for it, and so was she.

but when it came time to actually kiss her, i couldn't do it.

i told her i didn't want to cheat on ben, which was halfway true.

i really don't want to, i really like him, and that's just not cool. because the kiss definitely wouldn't have been platonic for me. 

but also, i was terrified that i was really going to like it. i was scared that i was going to like kissing her so much more than kissing ben. and then i would be stuck in a relationship with him thinking of girls, and it would kill me on the inside. i'd know for sure then, and i just don't think i could do that.

i really like kissing ben, i mean, kissing is super fun. but at the same time, he's kind of awkward to kiss, and i can't help but feel like there's a little something off, yknow?

so i'd rather bury the feelings of awkwardness, and pass them off as just feeling awkward because it's all new to me (which is could very well be, mind you), than kiss emily and possibly find out that i'm for sure a lesbian.

i really like being in a relationship, and i really like ben, but i'm terrified that he's somehow going to find out about this.

i'm just so confused, but everything will be okay, right?

i mean, everything will work out, because if i bury the problems, then it's like they don't exist, right?

i'm just going to focus on how much fun i have with ben, and forget about all my doubts.

because that's all that really matters right now, right?

i'm never going to dump him for being a guy though.

i can still be a lesbian and date guys in high school right?

right?

i'm baaaaaaaack :P

emily ann i swear to god i can't take much more of this

it's been almost three years and i've managed to (mostly) keep my hands to myself but all i want to do is well, i want to fucking do you! ugh!

sexual frustration everywhere.

okay so i made a total ass of myself today.

david told me that if i didn't ask alec out today, he wasn't going to show up to the date

so i was like gahhh fuck you david!

but then i was like sure, why not, might as well get it over with, like a band aid right?

so i was actually really excited all day

although that might also have been the fact that i got two hours of sleep last night but whatever

so i'm sitting in all my classes like fuck yeah i can't wait until i see him after lunch

lunch rolls around and i'm like, yeah bb, gonna make sure i look alright and then it's showtime

the bell rings and i basically pooped my pants i was so scared.

i'm walking to pre calc and i'm freaking out and i finally get to the a wing and i see him.

and he's talking to some blonde chick.

so i was like are you fucking serious i can't do this oh my god.

so i just walked by him and went to precalc.

and arianne was all "omg did you do it?! what did he say??"

and i was like lol no i got cockblocked by some blonde ho

so she was like, dude! go back out and ask him out!!!!

so i was like omg sure why not, what do i have to lose?

so i left before the bell rang and i walked over to him because he was still out in the hallway and i was standing right next to him but he was so cute and oblivious and didn't notice me so i was all "alec?" and he was all "herp derp trolololol oblivion"

so i said his name a little louder and he like jumped and i scared him half to death and i was like oh my god this is already off to a terrible start

and he was like "oh hi nicole! where'd you come from??"

and i was all "are you doing anything on sunday?"

lol nice nicole, straight to the point -___________-

and he was all, "ummmmm hmmmm *huge fucking pause while he thought about his goddamn schedule and i was pooping myself out of suspense* i have a yard sale for the relay for life"

and i was all "...oh."

and he was all "yeah"

and then i panicked and i was like "okay well bye"

and then i ran back into precalc and hid my head in shame for the next 90 minutes.

oh god i made an ass of myself

but technically he didn't say no

i mean, technically i didn't even ask him xD

so everyone i talked to today were like, lol dude you have to try again

and i was freaking out at the time so i didn't catch him after school

but i'm going to find him tomorrow morning and just be as blunt as possible and ask him out.

so i'll just get it over with, first thing in the morning, instead of pooping my pants all day

and yeah

laura said he's so oblivious i could throw a brick at him with a note saying "make sweet sweet love to me" and he wouldn't know that i was asking him out

i thought it was a little much, but i got the point

boys are stupid and need to have things drawn out for them

yeah

and it was the first time i'd ever asked someone out so i think i was allowed to be scared shitless xD

guess who might have a date this weekend omg

her very first date

ever

and with alec

omg.

i just kinda need to work up the balls to ask him

but it'd be a double date

with arianne and david

and omg

i'm so excited

i just need to ask him either tomorrow or tuesday

and omg

i can't even

i'm just so

fuck you emily.

it's really hard to feel sorry for you when technically you were the one that ended things with chris "officially".

you were just on a break but you flipped a tit and made it official.

and now you're extremely upset.

you're going off the deep end and texting me saying you should just kill yourself.

do you know how much i wanted to punch you in the face for saying that?

do you know how much of a low blow that was for me?

i called you up, and told you to shut the fuck up and listen to me.

and i told you about justin.

i don't know if you got the full story through my sobs, but you got the gist.

and then you told me you couldn't wait to come over for our girl's night.

but then you texted me 15 minutes later saying that you wanted to be alone instead.

you canceled on me.

last minute.

again.

if you weren't ready for a girl's night, you shouldn't have fucking planned one.

and i know that's a lie.

"you wanted to be alone" my fucking ass.

i'm not stupid.

i have a facebook.

i know angela slept over.

i'm sorry i'm not fucking good enough.

i'm sorry you don't realize how hard it is for me to be emotional and give you advice.

i've never had a relationship so i can't give you any advice.

but i'm sorry that being there and cheering you up and making you feel good about yourself wasn't enough for you.

my bad.

i guess me opening up and telling you something that only a few people know means nothing.

and me walking across town without a second thought to be your shoulder to cry on absolutely pales in comparison to angela getting a ride over four hours later.

i'm sorry i can never be the best friend you want.

:D

i think i overestimated the cuts

sure, there's a lot of them, but they're not too deep

they should be pretty unnoticeable by the end of next week

they'll be gone by april vacation (:

i'm bored and i'm trying to post every day again, so i'm going to just post the conversation i had with alec last night (yes, i saved it, yes, i know that's pathetic xD)

i can't remember the last time i cried because i was happy.

i feel happy.

giddy even.

granted i feel ashamed about last night, but once i've put that out of my mind i feel really happy.

tayler is totally over alec.

i've come to terms with the fact that i'm attracted to girls and boys.

and i'm really coming out of my shell.

my friends are awesome.

i think if i can just forget about my other problems, and focus on the good things, that i'll be good.

for the first time in a long time, the good things out weigh the bad.

i think last night everything just kind of caught up to me.

i'll make a more thought out post about that later.

but for now i'm just excited.

i want to be better.

i like this.

i'm really sorry i let everyone down last night.

even the people that don't know i did.

and kezia, thank you for not abandoning me, even if you think you're not doing anything, that little "oh nicole" made me feel like you do care.

i don't really know how to explain it, but even though i know i let you down, it still felt kind of good knowing you cared.

Oh Nicole.. :(

i'm so sorry :'(

damn.

no short sleeves for me for the next few weeks.

i think i got a little too razor happy last night. =/

i'll have to try that soon thanks (:

justin's best friend attempted suicide.

i can't breathe.

the flashbacks are hitting me so hard.

i'm not okay.

i've been sobbing and hyperventilating and i just can't.

i feel so empty inside lately.