for crying out loud, settle down

I want to be in the moment and meet new people and make new connections so I don't feel so left behind.

I worry a lot that I will eventually just be truly on my own. I really struggle making progress in the same way my friends do.

I feel like my friends have no time for me as they move on with their lives. But as they progress I also just look at the fact they're all progressing, and here I am doing the same stuff.

I'm really happy with my life but only really because I love my friends so much lol

I'm so scared of being forgotten about

he's the first person in a long time I felt like I could talk to about anything and he actually found me interesting and he doesn't even like me that much

I wish we'd never slept together now because I am scared we are never going to be friends again and I know it's for the best but I just miss him so much. he just knows how to make me feel better about everything

we talk about feelings but not too much and we have fun in the ways I like to have fun but he doesn't try to ignore everything that's going on. he just made me feel safe and it didn't matter if we were physically close or not he just made me feel so safe

I wish I could come to your house and just give you a big hug until he feel better. like a sigh of relief.

your hugs made all the noise in my head go away in a way no one else let me do that.

and now it can't be the same ever again and im just feeling the loss extra today

I'm such a messed up person I don't know if I'll ever meet a friend like that ever again let alone anything more than friends

I miss when I used to be brave about being vulnerable but I never knew how to do it in. away that didn't annoy people and I don't know how to be a normal person

I can't trust anyone ever and I'm a horrible person. I wish I knew what to do. but I wish I had more than internet to talk to

I'm in a job that isn't even my passion, and I'm no good at it.

no one has given me an art related job in months, and I feel like I've finally been found out as a failure.

I'm trying to apply to other part time jobs and I keep getting turned down

I have no real skills that stand out

I have no relationship because I'm terrible at those

I've never been dating material

I fucked up the only close friendship I ever had in years because we had sex

I had to kill a baby and that probably would have been the only good thing in my life

I can't afford to live on my own let alone have anything like a cat or a dog

I think my ex has probably committed suicide and I'm scared to go check out his flat in case I see something I don't want to see but someone has to check in because no one would know until a bad smell comes from his flat

I always thought in my 30's I'd have something to live for

the last 5 years have just been nothing but a mess and it's all my fault

I'm such a big fat screw up and I don't even have my youth or good looks

I don't even have energy to draw

I'm waiting on pipe dreams that are never going to pan out. I've just never been good enough, I've just never been good enough and I think that's my big lesson

I'm a twin and all the good things went into my twin.

I'm such an idiot and no one likes me that much I'm just part of the background

I just want to end everything right here right now

I wish I had the balls to do it, I hate this life and I want a do over, I'm just sat here in limbo until I eventually run out of money

we can't be friends anymore and I'm going to miss that

you're the first person in years who got excited because I would talk to you about every day things. you were the first person in years who was really interested in what I had to say and who was really excited to share things with me. it pleased me that my opinion mattered so much to you, even if you didn't recognise that. I suppose that's why for me this relationship was a significant one.

I've had so any relationships where I am the therapist or it's super emotionally charged. I've had loads of friends who fell into this dynamic with me as well, and even when I actively tried to stop that from happening they took advantage of this part of my personality and ignore other parts that make a friendship very whole. it's either very shallow friendships because people are a bit overwhelmed with my emotional capacity, or that's the only reason for my existence as a friend to people.

I was so surprised to get on with you so well and to adore you as much as I do. I always knew we had a lot in common, but the degree to which I've been able to talk with you matches no one I've ever met, so far.

so for me it really meant a lot that you didn't *just* do one or the other, and so I just felt really close to you. you also just took the time to tell me I was important to you. and we just had loads of fun. it was the most whole I've felt in a relationship of any kind for so long.It's such a shame that we got to know each other in a lockdown setting and that I'm probably going to see heaps less of you in the coming years, when I was really excited a few months ago to do more actual things with you.

so all the cuddling and the sex was real actual intimacy for me, which I never really experienced in sex before. I know it turns out you were holding yourself back because it was different for you. even so, the level of care and intimacy I have felt around you that was very natural I just haven't had with ANYONE in such a long, long, time. imagine if we actually loved each other, I think it would have been incredible.

because of how you feel and because of my timidness it was never going to reach a full level of intimacy, but even then, it's the closest and most connected I've felt in....forever.

the thing is I am so grateful for that. I don't think I'll ever not be grateful for it. you really opened me up emotionally. I know what I want out of a relationship going forward. I hope it's something like this. I hope someday I get to feel something like this and meet someone like you who will really want to pursue a partnership with me.

and I guess that's why this hurts a lot somehow even if it's not the most 'significant' or dramatic relationship I've ever had.

I can see that you are I were in need of different things and that's why I feel quite differently than you do.

I can't be friends with you anymore because you value me in a different way and the way you treat me reflects that negatively lately, it's not healthy for me to keep such an imbalanced relationship. I am glad of myself to know my limits and to set them. but I am super sad it had to be you.

I feel really sad about it :'( I still really miss you. I will really miss talking to you and I hate that because of *me* and how I happen to feel, there is so much weight to the relationship that means we just can't do that anymore.

I hold nothing against you, my sweet friend, I just know this isn't a healthy relationship for me. I know you prioritise yourself right now, as you ought to. and I ought to, as well. I know I'll just wind up love sick. I know myself too well. and our relationship is weird and complicated for me but not for you, so we can't navigate it.

and I feel super sad you don't recognise how close we are - because it means it isn't a significant relationship for you in the same way.

I hope you love yourself more. I hope you get over that fear of crit, I feel is your biggest flaw and warps what you priorities in life, and what holds you back from a real capacity to love and be close to people.

It hurts that you don't see me as a significant relationship to you - but I hope as your friend you have take in the nice things I say about you, and start to believe them. you are in need of soothing you never got, and I hope I was able to open that up a bit for you. I hope I did something and it wasn't all for nothin.

it was nice , so fuckin nice, while it lasted.

it's been a tough year.

it's been a tough few years.

it's hard to see how it can get better right now. it's hard to see where my value lies. I simply don't feel valued. I don't feel I have meaning in every day life. I wish I was satisfied with what I have.

I've had glimpses of happiness here and there. I want to collect all those things that briefly made me happy and gave meaning to me and create a better life out of those things. I wish I could!

i am a quiet person. no. I’m actually not quiet at all. i have a lot of opinions. But my crippling fear of specifically emotional  rejection means i have a need to ask or wait for validation. “is it okay for me to speak my mind?” “what do YOU think aobut this and that?” 

i’m trying to work on this  so the flow of conversation between me and other people is more natural. but in large groups i still find it very difficult to get a word in edgeways.

it’s not that people talk over me, it’s my own doing.  it’s that i’m not confident enough to interrupt a conversation like other people and have my say. I wait for gaps, until its too late. that topic is over. 

being like this, i’m naturally attracted to and drift towards confident speakers. it also means they talk and talk forever, i enjoy hearing what they have to say, but I also just want to share my ideas with them, my thoughts and my feelings. I want to share myself with them like they share themselves with me

they don’t think to ask me, so i don’t speak up. I bottle it all up.

i’m feeling empty

but why should it matter? it doesn’t matter that people didn’t hear your opinion on THIS, or /that/. I think to myself, it shouldn’t matter that they don’t know that thing aobut you.  it doesn’t change your opinion, or their opinion.it doesn’t change or affect anyone’s view of you. so it shouldn’t matter!